Aziz Ansari - Having a Kid is a Crazy Gamble lyrics

Having a kid is a crazy gamble man No one ever talks about it in terms of it being a gamble But it is Think about what position in life you're in when you decide to have a kid Usually a very safe position You know? You're married, you found a mate That's huge You usually have a job and a home That's very difficult to lock down It's like you finally put together this very large complicated puzzle And then you're just like "fu*k THIS PUZZLE LETS HAVE A KID!" And then the kid just sh**s all over the puzzle The puzzle is ruined You are never putting it back together again It's destroyed And now you have this kid And here's the gamble, here's the scary part You can do everything right, you can read all the books And you can still have a total piece of sh** kid You could have the worst kid! You could have one of the bully kids That could be your kid You don't know You could have a total piece of sh** Teacher's like "uhh your son." Yeah. I know, he's sh**ty ok? I hang out with him all the time he's the worst What do you want me to do huh? I have to feed and shelter him or I get thrown in jail for some reason Oooo. I'm sorry he's ruinging your mornings Guess who hangs with him on afternoons and weekends? Me So how about a little sympathy for me? "Well sir, have you thought about..." No there's nothing to think about There's nothing to do ok? It's not his diet He doesn't have too much gluten He's just sh**ty ok? Some people are nice some people are sh**ty My kid is sh**ty alright? I have accepted it alrght? I made a mistake! Ok? I gave up my best years raising this monster! I could've started a band! I play ba** But nooo I didn't do that Instead I have this thing Ohhh something that looks like me and my wife put together Uhhh great Eat your vegetables Can I throw a baseball at your face he catches half the time? fu*k ME!