Aziz Ansari - Babies lyrics

Philadelphia wow thank you thank you so much wow wow This is awkward actually have no material prepared I just booked this venue for this date And I'll now have an act by then I don't Ah No it's going to be really good I have one prepared which is really convenient because were filming and everything ah so let's begin I turn 30 years old this year Yes it's been a good year I have found this year to be the year a lot of my friends have begun getting serious about their lives They call me up they say serious things They're be like Aziz, you're not to believe it I just had a baby and I always have the same reaction I always go hahahahaha-ha That s**s I'm so sorry that happened Why were you not using condoms or birth-control You're going to have to take care that thing forever Alright well I'll talk to you later I got to go do literally anything I want cause I don't have a baby. So all my options are still options Hate those phone calls and also those emails to friends send these emails to attach a photo of the baby the right something to welcome the baby Hey everyone welcome Lindsey to the universe I always write back unsubscribe Yeah I don't recall signing up for this mailing list Please remove me from all future updates Know if you excuse me on Going to throw your baby in my trash And now everybody has videocameras on their phone and everything so you get videos of the baby's Every single video I got is exactly the same thing thought Kid shows up on the screen Ah ah ah umm umm End of clip that's the amazing footage they needed to share with everyone Brian's first steps Look I walk all the time I'm not impressed I'm going to start sending my own clips back look at the sh** Brian has nothing on this He has no swagger in his step He almost fell down after three steps Meanwhile I'm running advanced sh** I can high step I can run if I want too I can even tiptoeing behind Brian and push him on the ground and then step on him with my next step So that's how advanced as my sh** is Some of these people are not ready to have kids either You know you ever have friends like that are about to have kids you're like what no they're dumb why I have a friend he got married recently he's kind of a goofball I asked him hey your not going to have kids are you Maybe next year I was like dude you still have a chain wallet You can't have a chain wallet and a kid at the same time Ah if your wallet is causing you so much problem you have to chain it to your person You're not ready to bring life into the world If you go to like pay for the baby with a chain wallet they should be like oh no no no no we got to put this one back whoop I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility "If someone came up to me with a baby like, 'Hey, you've gotta look out for this baby,' I'd be like, 'Sorry, I've got my own things going on right now. I don't have time to look out for this little brown baby.' In this scenario I'm a**uming it's a little Indian baby. If it was a white baby I'd be like, 'Get that thing away from me! It's disgusting!' White babies are gross, man! I'm sorry! They're like regular babies that aren't ripe yet