Andrew Hussie - Homestuck Pages 61-120 lyrics

> John: Examine 3rd and 4th walls of room. > John: Check Pesterchum. Another one of your chums is messaging you. > John: Check message. TT: I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine. EB: that's an ugly rumor. EB: whoever told you that is a filthy liar. EB: and you should probably stop hitting on him all the time or whatever. TT: I can't control myself. TT: I must have a weakness for insufferable pricks. EB: anyway i still haven't checked the mail, my dad has it. EB: i'm trying to go get it from him, so brb TT: John. EB: what? TT: You're wearing one of your disguises now, aren't you? TT: You are typing to me right now while wearing something ridiculous. EB: no, why would you even think that?? EB: that's so stupid. TT: Ok. TT: Why don't you go get the game from your father? EB: alright, wish me luck. EB: oh, btw... EB: jk I was wearing a funny disguise this whole time. EB: gotcha! hehehehe TT: I know, John. > John: Go back downstairs. You can now execute that brilliant idea you had. There should be just enough FROSTING on the FAKE ARMS to serve as an adequate adhesive. > John: Attach arms to doll. Hehehehehehehehe. You don't care what COLONEL SASSACRE says, that makes it AT LEAST a million percent funnier. > John: Inspect burnt paper on the floor. You put this back in the fire where it belongs. > John: Throw present wrap in fire. As long as you're cleaning up... > John: Captchalogue doll. You can carry hefty items, but that thing is just way too big. Get real! Besides, you don't even want it. > John: Read Colonel Sa**acre's text. You thought about consulting the text to determine exactly how hilarious the doll is now. But this text is way too big to navigate in a timely fashion. You decide to forget it. > John: Find dad and retrieve mail. The door on the left leads to the KITCHEN, from which the smell of baking wafts -- a powerful aroma which could lift an especially portly hobo off his feet. The door on the right leads to the STUDY, where your DAD spends a lot of time. He could be in either room. Where will you go? > John: Go in the study. It doesn't look like he's in here right now. > John: Examine father's desk. On the desk is a DECK OF PLAYING CARDS, one of your DAD'S PIPES, the April issue of THE SERIOUS JESTER magazine, and a stray CAPTCHALOGUE CARD. There is also a CAN OF PEANUTS on the desk. Ha ha, oh DAD. You won't be falling for THAT one again any time soon. A severe peanut allergy is a terrible affliction to cope with. > John: Upgrade costume with hat from hat rack. You swap the MAGICIAN'S HAT with the BOWLER HAT. This disguise is somewhat less funny, but A LOT more distinguished looking. > John: Combine second pipe with clever disguise. Your DAD maintains numerous pipes around the household. A father without a pipe is like a strapping roughneck without a toothpick. That is to say, HE IS A RATHER PISS-POOR EXCUSE FOR A ROUGHNECK IF YOU ASK ME. You'd rather not take the PIPE, though. The first one tastes bad enough as it is. How you suffer for your comedy. > John: Examine captchalogue card. Yes!!! This will be perfect for expanding the space in your SYLLA... > John: Captchalogue captchalogue card. ARGH!!! > [S] John: Play haunting piano refrain. (Pages including sound will be preceded by [S] in the command.) > John: Play 52 Pick-Up. You play the prankster's favorite card game, even though you are alone in the room, thus rendering it an especially foolish version of Solitaire. SO STUPID. Look at this mess. The peanut gallery over there sure is getting a kick out of it. You are allergic to their scorn. > John: Attempt to leave the house. You go back into the LIVING ROOM and contemplate checking the mailbox outside. You think perhaps you should exhaust all possibilities before plunging headlong into a DAD encounter. Your TELEVISION is currently airing a COMMERCIAL. > John: Exit. You exit the house. > John: Check mail. Predictably, the mailbox is empty. You have already been scooped by your father. > [S] ==> The streets are empty. Wind skims the voids keeping neighbors apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, a plundered mailbox. A familiar note is produced. It's the one Desolation plays to keep its instrument in tune. It is your thirteenth birthday, and as with all twelve preceding it, something feels missing from your life. The game presently eluding you is only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense not of mirth, but of lack. His coarse schemes are those less of a prankster than a common pickpocket. His riddle is Absence itself. It is a mystery dispersing altogether, like the moon's faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It is the most diabolical riddle of all. "Absence diminishes little pa**ions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." -Walt Whitman Yes, you are certain Walt Whitman said that. One hundred percent positive. You have a feeling it's going to be a long day. > ==> > John: Leave a surprise for the mailman. N... No! > John: See if your father left the mail in the car. The door is locked and your DAD has the CAR KEYS. You peer in through the driver's side window. You don't see any mail, but you do see a GREEN PACKAGE. There is also something underneath it that looks like a slip of paper. Could these items have come in the mail? You don't see anything else that's usually in the mail, like bills and coupons. Maybe your DAD forgot to take this stuff inside. > John: Spy in the kitchen. You try to get a gander through the KITCHEN WINDOW, but you can't see a whole lot! It seems your DAD has been doing so much baking, the gla** has steamed up. God he is so weird. But you can see what's on the table just beside the window. It looks like the mail is there! Included among it is a RED PACKAGE, some BILLS, your DAD'S PDA, and an envelope that appears to be suspiciously labeled with the SBURB LOGO. Could it be??? Unfortunately, the window is locked. > John: Go back into the kitchen. You have no other choice. You are going in. CLEVER DISGUISE, it's time to work your magic. > [S] John: Enter. > ==> Your DAD sees right through your costume! You don't know what you were even thinking with this foolish ruse!!! You unequip the CLEVER DISGUISE. Your DAD wields a dreaded ARTIFACT OF CONFECTION. He stands between you and the mail. There is only one way to settle this. > [S] STRIFE! > John: Retrieve the package and flee to your room! You cannot ABSCOND! This pesky GUARDIAN is blocking your path! You will need to engineer some sort of distraction. And now he brandishes yet another ARTIFACT OF CONFECTION! The man is ruthless. You'd better brace for impact in the most comedically striking fashion possible. > John: Equip disguise for defense. The BEAGLE AEGIS absorbs the brunt of the treat. Looks like DAD will enjoy the prankster's gambit on that exchange, as is usually the case. > John: Captachalogue pie tin. You take PIE TIN and unequip the BEAGLE PUSS. Everything in your SYLLADEX is pushed back a card. The SMOKE PELLETS are ejected from the deck. Yes! This could be just the distraction you were... > ==> Nothing happens. What a huge letdown. > John: Take the cake! "When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield." -Oscar Wilde Wise words by a man who likely could resist everything but temptation. The CAKE forces COLONEL SASSACRE'S TEXT out of your SYLLADEX. > ==> Sa**acre you beautiful ba*tard. Now's your chance!!! > John: Abscond. Now that DAD is busy placating the SMOKE DETECTOR, you can safely sneak away. > John: Take PDA. You snag your DAD'S PDA. Maybe later you'll switch the background image to something hilarious as a prank. Besides, it may come in handy later. Your spare CAPTCHALOGUE CARD is forced out of the SYLLADEX, and consequently integrated with the deck. You now have five cards to work with. > John: Take package. This RED PACKAGE is addressed to you. > John: Take envelope. You got the SBURB BETA!!! > John: Exit kitchen. > John: Get cake on couch. You captchalogue the CAKE on the couch, expelling the PIE TIN from the bottom card. > John: Combine the cakes to make a double decker cake. You then merge the two CAKES across all five cards. Everything in your SYLLADEX is smushed between the CAKES. Why don't you think these things through first?? > John: Retreat upstairs! You pause at the juncture and head down the hall. You are going to need something to clean up the mess you are about to make by dissecting this CAKE. To the left is the BATHROOM. To the right is your DAD'S ROOM. It is locked, and you are forbidden from ever entering. He has secrets. > John: Go to bathroom and grab a towel. You enter the BATHROOM. You can see your BACK YARD from the window. The j**el in its crown is the SWING SET which has provided you with years of joy. There is also a SPRING-MOUNTED POGO-RIDE, which has been responsible for more than one painful injury, and has provided you with years of lament. On the sink is your DAD'S RAZOR. On the rack to the side is a FRESH TOWEL. > John: Remove PDA, envelope and package from cake. You take the RAZOR and use it to perform surgery on the CAKE. You take the TOWEL and clean off the extracted goods. > John: Retrieve your items. The items force the MANHANDLED CAKE into the TOILET. And just like that, your SYLLADEX is full again. God this thing is annoying. > John: Go to bedroom. > John: Admire "Failure to Launch" poster. You're not usually into chick-flicks, but Matthew McConaughey's cool charisma could salvage any heap of smoldering wreckage. This is your "McConaughey Wall", a casual shrine to an amazing actor. The film above that one is a lot better, you think. CAN YOU SEE HER? I WANT YOU TO PICTURE THAT LITTLE GIRL. [chokes up] NOW IMAGINE SHE'S WHITE. You got us Matthew! Your smooth talking exposed our latent racism! Damn you are good! > [S] John: Check Pesterchum. -- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:34 -- GG: hi happy birthday john!!!!! <3 GG: helloooooo?? GG: ok i will talk to you later!!! :D -- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:56 -- -- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:40 -- TG: hey GG is looking for you why are you even so popular all of a sudden TG: is today some sort of special occasion or something TG: did you do something to curry favor with ladies TG: did you break your leg on a puppy or some sh** TG: dude what are you doing -- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! -- EB: i discovered a comet that is going to destroy the earth, and it was named after me. EB: now i am famous, and everyone wants to talk to me a lot. TG: no stop TG: just no TG: dont talk about your awful stupid movies or make references to them TG: your gross man-bro crush on matt macconahay is an unsavory thing to behold EB: mcconaughey. TG: sounds like a noise a horse would make TG: ie dumb TG: equally dumb are all those pictures of that clown youve got hanging up EB: those are my dad's. TG: i was talking about nick cage EB: oh, what?! no man, cage is sweet. so sweet. TG: ha ha so lame TG: you dont even like him ironically or anything this is like for real isnt it TG: hahaha EB: i do things ironically sometimes. EB: what about what i sent you for your birthday? TG: no those are awesome EB: what? no, they're stupid, which was the joke. the IRONIC joke. get it? EB: wait... EB: you're actually wearing them, aren't you? TG: im wearing them ironically TG: because theyre awesome TG: the fact that theyre ironic makes them awesome TG: and vice versa TG: are you taking notes on how to be cool?? jesus get a f**ing pen EB: you do realize they touched stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point. TG: ew yeah TG: oh well TG: anyway speaking of which TG: did you get the mail EB: yeah. TG: did there happen to be a package there EB: yeah, there's a big red one. TG: you should probably open it EB: i would, but it's trapped under the sburb beta, so i will probably open it after i install the beta. TG: oh man the beta came EB: yeah! wanna play it? TG: haha no way EB: why not! TG: it sounds so HELLS of boring just get TT to play it she is all about that EB: where'd she go. TG: her internet is blinking in and out i guess TG: probably be back online soon TG: oh and christ in a sidecar are you still using the stack modus??? TG: seriously dude TG: you need to BONE UP on your data structures that sh** is just ridiculous EB: ok, i will. > John: Open browser and go to mspaintadventures.com You decide to space out on the computer for a while before doing anything important. You open the TYPHEUS web browser and direct it to what is indisputably the most amazing website ever created. > ==> The new adventure is ok, but you're not sure if you like it as much as the last one. > John: Install the Sburb beta. You decide it's time for less meta, and more beta. You insert the CD and install the SBURB BETA. > ==> What the f** is this. > John: Bone up on data structures. You go to your CLOSET, where you keep a lot of clothes and an array of handy COMPUTER PROGRAMMING GUIDES. > John: Read Data Structures book. You're not sure you really want to dig into this huge tome. It looks really boring. And kind of ornery. Maybe you'll just check out that free modus instead. > John: Get free Fetch Modus. You turn to the back inside cover, where a free FETCH MODUS is included in a plastic sleeve. This one is dictated by the logic of a QUEUE DATA STRUCTURE, operating on a "First In, First Out" method, rather than a "First In, Last Out" method of a STACK. > John: Apply Fetch Modus to Sylladex. Items captchalogued in your SYLLADEX are no longer immediately accessible. You can only use the item on the bottom card, and must wait for items on upper cards to be pushed back to it. For instance, the RED PACKAGE is now inaccessible. You can only use the RAZOR at the moment. This modus doesn't strike you as a significant upgrade to your previous one. In fact, it almost seems more inconvenient. You figure you might as well give it a chance though. > John: Switch back to Stack Modus. You suddenly wonder if this is even possible. You don't even remember if you ever had a physical card for the STACK MODUS. You find this all to be a little abstract and you'd prefer not to think about it too much. > John: Put down razor. Put it... Down? ... You're not quite sure you understand.