What makes a human different than the rest of the food chain
Is not that we are at the top of it
When I got my first pet ever, a leopard gecko, back from the pet store, I was distressed
"No no no no no no, don't do this to me... What do you mean leopard geckos can't climb walls? The whole freaking point of getting a gecko is so you can send them on spy missions!"
I learned to love him for what he was not
I named him Sizzler
After my favorite restaurant
Where you could get chicken nuggets in the shape of dinosaurs
Let me tell you, there is no more inspiring buffet item
Than a lump of reconstituted chicken parts that styles itself as a Stegosaurus
So Sizzler was a fitting name for a Leopard Gecko
The earthbound gecko
That chooses to live not as some wannabe green reptilian Spiderman
but as a ferocious jungle cat
A truly aspirational beast
Following in the glorious tradition of the Whale Shark
The Cat Fish
The Egg Plant
And of course the Horseshoe Crab
A crab that dreams of being... a horses shoe
I fed Sizzler live crickets that lived in a terrarium that sat in the bathtub
So in case they somehow managed to escape the cage
They would struggle fruitlessly against the impossibly high porcelain prison walls
I'd shake the crickets up in a paper bag full of protein powder like some f**ed up d**h maraca before he crunched in
A wing or spare leg hanging out his lower jaw like salad greens
I couldn't figure out why I was feeding my pets to each other
I had this little secret
Sometimes I would slip into the bathroom and carelessly
-whoops- glance the terrarium and slide the roof a crack to grant crickets that could climb that granite slab a fighting chance
If they made it over they were honorary geckos
A couple earned their freedom and escaped into the wall paneling
Where played their tiny violins as long as they had music in their legs
I gave sizzler back to the pet store
I stopped eating at his namesake restaurant
I started thinking if chickens wanted to be dinosaurs we should let them enjoy the privilege while they were still alive
It was years before I came to the conclusion that you can't stop the brutal beauty of the food chain by removing yourself from it
There is no life without d**h
There's no way to live perfect
So flush that dream down the toilet
Anyone who's owned a teakettle knows that even water screams when you boil it
Anyone who's driven a car on the freeway has committed bug genocide
Even if you're a vegetarian, your super market produce is sprayed with a product called insecticide
How do you rectify that people are dying and Watsky, you're worried about crickets?
in a world not yet rid of rape and murder
You're talking beef and pig on baconburgers
When kids still beef with pigs on Hegenberger
I'm not saying we don't need to look after US.
Just that we lose nothing by expanding our definition of "Us"
What makes humans special is not our ability dominate those more vulnerable than ourselves
It's our willingness protect them
To empathize
No, mothaf**a, it's not an excuse to dress your dog like a sailor on shore leave
That's obnoxious
I'm aware geckos don't want to leopards & crickets aren't pretending to be lizards
Those are human projections onto animals that are simply out here trying to function
I do, however, believe in the horseshoe crab
The crab that dreams of being a horse's shoe
And maybe you've never seen four living crustaceans glue themselves underneath a thoroughbred's hooves
Go ahead and tell me there's no way that thin exoskeleton could support a two ton Clydesdale
Don't believe me. But I've seen it.
Brave New Voices, do you believe in the horseshoe crab?
I said, "Hey Horse, nice shoes.
That horse, "I'm touched. I didn't realize people were actually capable of feeling things
You know... I'm not naïve, human
I know that horseshoe under me is no horseshoe at all
Hell, don't tell him, but it's not even a horseshoe crab
If you lean in, you can tell by the shell it's actually a hermit crab
The genuine article
And I'm no horse—b**h, I'm a barnacle."