The man from popular culture came round to "check up," he said, "on what we wanted"
I looked at the wife, puzzled awhile, and replied "Just the normal I suppose
"Pay off the house, some sort of world trip, then back home, maybe a boat
"and cable TV - but only for the football."
He nodded. "Spiritually," he asked, "do you have any spiritual needs, longings?"
I knew sort of what he was getting at, and I knew too I probably should have some
"Well, it's hard for me to be precise but I suppose I have some of those
"I wouldn't say it affects my day to day activities." He nodded
"It's family and health that's important," I said, thinking maybe that's what he wanted
"As long as they're OK." He ticked a box and looked up at me
"I see."
"Well, I said, we're worried about unemployment," tick, "and the hospitals," tick, "schools, sort of," he ticked, silent
"You know, all that stuff."
He turned to the next page "And...huge and deviant s**ual longings?"
"What the fu--," I said
But he went "Look, I'm sorry, I have to ask, let's move on. Politics?"
"Not interested really."
"Music?"
"I've got some greatest hits albums."
"Poetry?"
"Uh, yeah, like I read it all the time."
"Princess Diana?"
"Let's leave her be I reckon."
"Ever get the feeling intellectuals laugh at you?"
"Couldn't give a f**, mate."
He asked me to sign, telling me it was non-obligatory, for the purposes of verification only
Two weeks later we got in the post all we wanted - except for the Princess Diana stuff