I woke up this evening, I was feeling blue
Wasn't all that surpising, I'm an ancient briton
Who takes pride in his appearance
I indulge in evey new veu vargh
I don't argue
With the leaders of the Druids
Cos even if they knowed
That I think I have to bear
A far too heavy woad
When they sent me to battle
Down by the Roman road
They don't argue, I don't argue
They don't argue wuth druids
I got up and went outside, a stranger was about
It was a Roman in the gloamin' and he gave an awful shout
When I whipped off me figleaf and I flashed meself about
He didn't argue
I ain't got a secret weapon
It's there for all to see
And in my turquoise birthday suit
I'm blue from head to knee
And when the village maidens see it, they invite me up for tea
I don't argue
Now Merlin was a plumber, but he had got on quite far
An honarary druid appointed by Queen Bodacea
He was devious and shifty, like used khazi dealers are
One didn't argue with Merlin
When he heard about the Roman he looked shifty and he hissed
The time has come to rid our land of the imperialist
And he jumped about as if posessed, I think that he was pissed
I didn't argue
He said now take this liquid, put it in their aquaduct
It's made from special mushrooms that I meself have plucked
Aay when the Romans drink it they'll be rightly screwed up
I didn't argue, didn't think much of his poetry though
Well I was going through the forest when whom should I see there
But a beautiful camp-follower a-camping in the air
And she said hello sailor, would you like to see me bare
I didn't argue, I love animals
Hmm being on a mission, I should have had more sense
But the sight of her proportions made me lower me defence
For I've heard with campers the excitement is in tents
I didn't argue
As we lay down a voice said what you doing with my wife
And I said just the usual, then a Roman stuck a knife
Halfway up me fundament, I shouted spare me life
An' all
He didn't argue
He said you're for Londinium, where you will have to face
Trial by a cross section of the Roman populace
They'll be cross enough to crucify you in the market place
They don't argue in Londinium
I was a manacled depressive, then I had an idea
I said you must be weary soldier, have some British beer
And I pulled out Merlin's bottle
He said Oh your a dear
I didn't argue
And he took of me handcuffs and we sat down on the gra**es
And his bird pulled out a corkscrew and three plastic army gla**es
And I said cheers, and strangely how quickly one's life pa**es
She didn't argue
He said I'll drink to that, cos I wish I was at home
Or even on the continent, where all roads lead to Rome
But till you lot join the market, I'm stuck in this battle zone
I didn't argue
Well we sitting there and drinking and it wasn't very late
When suddenly the ground turned pink and began to undulate
The Roman turned to me and said was it something that we ate
I didn't argue
I couldn't argue
Suddenly I began to understand the true meaning of life
And the nature of the Universe
At last I understood
Well we thank you druid Merlin
For your mushroom soup with weed in
Cos man, now I know where it's at, I through with tears, sweat and bleeding
Me and the Roman's getting political asylum up in Sweden
They don't argue up there
Peace Brother