Washington, January 7, 1949
The honorable German peace troops embarked on a nation-wide victory tour this week. The goal of this operation is to liberate the oppressed American people and protect them from dangerous insurgent elements. All remaining American military personnel are advised to stand down and report to the nearest German checkpoint. Once there, they will be issued a labor card a**igning them to work on rebuilding the country according to the superior cultural standards of the new regime.