[Verse One]
I swerve my f**ing car while texting on the phone
It's thrown out the window into a construction zone
sh**, f**, now I'm all-alone
I moan and grown then pound a keystone
I got an 18 pack in the back
We'll, that was the last one I just cracked
Now I'm piss drunk in my Doctor J throwback
Tryin to drive my rusty old piece of sh** Cadillac
Oh sh**, a cop just pulled up on my a**
But don't worry kids, I took a criminal law cla**
Just drive the speed limit, he'll be gone in a minute
And if he pa**es me at least my windows are tinted
Can't see me b**h, I'm drunk as f**
Awe sh**, I think my car is stuck
At least my jumper cables are in the trunk
Or maybe not. Damn thunder just struck
Down comes the rain, just my luck
And my windshield has a crack the size of a hockey puck
But I'm a co*ky f**, I don't need to be towed
I continue on the road, drive past the railroad
And see a white road it looks like it just snowed
Uh oh, I think I just hit a toad
I hit something, and I heard it explode
And I smoke weed every day, like the next episode
Keep moving, drive into the distance
I've made it this far, thank god I'm Christian
Thanks for the a**istance, no, f** on star
I know of God's existence, sh**, another cop car
Back to step one, I gotta drive slow
I don't want the cop to know that I am so- so
So what? you know what
I already told you I pounded 18 f**in beers to the gut
But f**, this cops still on my bu*t
I'm gonna try to get him off and take a shortcut
Great huh, he didn't fall for the bait
Any second now I'm gonna be the newest inmate
But wait, I just saw his license plate
Its not a cop just a guy who likes to tailgate
Well, stalemate, I'm back to where I started
Maybe this gas station can help me find my target
I bought a cigar to roll a blunt and got carded
Gave him my ID said f** you and farted
I don't think he liked it, but I'm no psychic, and
Where's my weed at my doctor prescribed it
Okay, back on the road I see my street
Only a few more feet until journey's complete
I'm at the last intersection, and behind me's a Mexican
He gets out of the car and says hands on the wheel you're being arrested
Holy sh**, the Mexican's a cop
He says drop what's in your hand, I'm taking you to detox
Ohh hell no f** that sh**, my house is two feet away
You really think I'm gonna stay, go to jail and turn gay
f** that dude I speed away from that guy
I wish I thought twice before I drove ahead and died