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John: With the biggest retail season of the year nearly upon us, one major retailer unveiled a huge innovation this week.
(Queues news footage from Fox Five News Live): Lowes is testing out Robotic shopping a**istants at one of its smaller hardware stores.
Robotic Shopping Assistant: Hello. I am Oshbot. The Orchard store robot helper. What are you looking for today?
Male Customer: Where can I find more of these?
Robotic Shopping Assistant: Is this the item you are looking for?
Male Customer: Yes
Robotic Shopping Assistant: I'll take you.
(Audience laughs)
John: Yes, Lowes is introducing Robot Sales Assistants to one of their stores. Which might seem like a good idea but brace yourself Lowes 'cause you may be about to get a lot of s**ual hara**ment lawsuits from your refrigerators.
(Audience laughs)
John: Although, going by their promotional video, at least someone seems to be a fan.
(Queues promotional video)
Male Customer: I actually really liked it and we could be considered friends.
(Audience laughs)
John: Ok. Stop it, stop, stop, stop - Stop it. Because the sentence, "The Customer Service Robot at Lowes is my friend," maybe the single saddest sentiment every spoken out loud.
(Audience laughs)
John: Robot a**istants are a terrible idea. And here's why. Sales a**ociates at home improvement stores are not there to help people find things. They're there to stop couples from tearing each other apart.
(Audience laughs)
John: If you really want to test your marriage, go buy home supplies together. Because Lowes is like a swingers party or a couples brunch. No one is leaving on speaking terms.
(Audience laughs)
John: And the worst thing is, Lowes knows this. Look at their own ads.
(Queues Lowe's ad)
Husband: We went to Lowe's just for some light bulbs
Wife: (Chuckles) and we got distracted. I got distracted.
Husband: We got a little bit distracted.
Lowes Employee: They were looking at light bulbs. But I had a feeling they were interested in some things for the patio. Can I help you with something for the patio?
Husband: No
Wife: Yes
Husband: Yes.
Lowes Employee: That means yes.
(Audience laughs)
John: Nicely done. Lowe's Employee. You sense that an explosive argument was coming and you diffused it with an emotional anesthetic of patio furniture.
(Audience laughs)
John: Robots can't do that. They don't realize that home improvement stores are a lethal combination of everything that can ruin a relationship. Spending money, reconciling tastes, long term planning and florescent lighting.
(Audience laughs)
John: In fact, if I was Home Depot and I heard that Lowe's were replacing humans with robots this is the ad that I would be running.
(Queues ad)
Doug: At Home Depot, we value the personal touch. Sure Lowe's may have robots but we know there are some things...
(Audience applauds)
Doug: Machines can't do.
Husband: We came to Home Depot to renovate our kitchen and things got a little heated.
Wife: He had his heart set on this copper sink.
Husband: Guilty.
Wife: (giggles)
Doug: They started bickering but I had a feeling it wasn't about the copper sink. It never is about the copper sink.
Husband: Why you fighting me on this? It, it has a ten year warranty?
Wife: Oh uh, I'm sorry. Are we going to be in this house for ten more years?
Husband: Well, where else we are going to go?
Wife: In a house big enough for the second child promised me we were going to have.
Husband: Oh my God.
Doug: Hey, if I can just but in here there is a lot to be said for a hammered finish copper sink. It adds a lot of warmth to any room and copper is naturally easy to maintain. Plus, it is just a sink.
Husband: It is just a sink...
Wife: It's just a sink.
Husband: Yeah.
Doug: You guys like Glade Plugins?
Wife: Ooooo
Doug: Check this out.
Husband: Doug was great. He gave us advice right when we needed it.
Wife: Specifically right before one of us said something we could never take back.
Doug: (winks)
Husband: Hey, this eucalyptus is nice. Momma would love it.
Wife: Why does it matter what plants your mother would like.
Husband: For when she moves in with us.
Wife: No - I am not having this discussion again!
Doug: Oh, boy
Husband: I told you again, again I'm not putting her in a home - EVER! She raised me.
Wife: Yeah, you and dead beat brother.
Husband: That's your argument every time? You bring up Devlin? He's trying. It's hard to get a job when they have to do background checks.
Doug: You should stick with the Boston fern on this one. The eucalyptus is for koalas and pessimists. (Laughs)
(Husband and Wife both laugh)
Doug: Now if you want I can show you some of our selection of floor plants
Wife: YEAHH!
Husband: Yes
Wife: For sure! He talked to us about floor plants for five solid minutes until both of us forgot what we're fighting about.
Doug: That's what we do here.
Husband: Hey. I really like this bamboo floor.
Wife: Of course you do. He loves everything Asian. Especially the girls he looks at on his PORN.
Husband: Excuse me?
Wife: Clear your history, Ben. You're not the only one who uses IPAD mini. That's someone's daughter. What if our daughter were Asian?
Husband: How would our daughter be Asian?
(Audience laughs and claps)
Wife: Well we could adopt. If you weren't so selfish.
Husband: Ok, so if you are asking me if I want to **** my hypothetical Asian daughter.
Wife: Yeah
Husband: The answer is no. Home Depot, I don't want to f*** my Asian daughter.
Wife: My HERO!!!
Doug: Guys, guys - forget about the bamboo. Sure it's good with the humidity but wood flooring is barely better than a carpet when it comes to a bathroom. Let me show you some ceramic tiles I think you both agree on.
Husband: Yeah
Wife: Great
Husband: Yeah let's do it. Doug was great and the bathroom is beautiful.
Wife: So you don't wish we gotten that copper sink?
Husband: Not as much as I wish that you hadn't given a hand job to my best man on our wedding day.
Wife: For the last time, we were not married.
Husband: Is that the only one? How many hand jobs did you give out that day?
Wife: I don't know. Let's count them out.
Husband: Right, ok great let's do it.
Wife: FINE!!!
Husband: Two, three.
Wife: Maybe
Husband: Who else?
Wife: Who remembers?
Doug: Hey, let's, let's take a look at some paint swatches and think about freshening up that kitchen.
Wife: Great.
Husband: Yeah.
Doug: What if you take a spring gra**, lay it right in here on tournament field?
Wife: Oh wow that looks great together!
Husband: I'm good with that.
Doug: Let's talk back splash.
(Husband and Wife laugh)
(Audience laughs and applauds)