[Round 1: Marlo and Shuffle-T]
[M] f** the U.K.!
[S] f** the monarchy
[M] f** tea
[S] f**, you know...the weather
[M] Having a Prime Minister is gay
[S] And our accents a joke
[M] Daniel we know
[S] We just covered 99 percent of the angles you wrote
Cause when you're against international opponents you're never direct with your lines
[M] Instead you rely on every cliché that exemplifies the well-known nation from where they reside
If we were from The Federated States of Micronesia, the f** would you say, Dan?
You'd have a terrible time
[S] You need to stop depending on stereotypes you fat, gun-toting American guy
[M] And after recycling his leftovers from Deffinition
They're gonna call us h*mos**ual, there's a given
So we thought we can make this more interesting
And came up with a clever system
Every time they say that we are gay and don't have s** with women
We'll add another bar to our third round about Dan's dad's meth addition
You're both called Dan
Thanks for the name flip opportunities
[S] It's Dan and Dan
And even the "and" in Dan and Dan is an anagram of Dan
So really it's Dan and an anagram of Dan so really it's a Dan and nad of Dan
AKA Dan, Dan, Dan
[M] Dun dun dun!
[S] Dan Dan Dan
This Daniel here is so excited about this
He's the only person here who has been calling this match great
When he got it confirmed he lifted up Caustic like Pat Stay
[M] His wife cooked him a big old breakfast this morning with ham steaks
And all four of our faces drawn in the pancakes
[S] The caption underneath in powdered sugar read “Hope you all have a grand day”
[M] In preparation for today, this dude created a mood playlist of tunes and named it “The Shufflo Vibes”
It's literally “Happy” by Pharrell Williams duplicated a hundred times
But let's be real, we're grateful to be on the West Coast
You've got to laugh, most of the battles here today are proper hard
These people here have paid and they want some bars
And somehow us ridiculous comic farts have got the part
At an event in which Diz, Verb and Hoffa star?
[S] What the f**?
[M] Yo, Lush, listen
Thanks a million, but you're a bad magician, but this is not our card
[S] Surely this is a purely big mistake
I bet when you got the flights paid for we knew something was up, dude
Surely now no one with any money will trust you
I can imagine him and Lush sitting just buzzing on mushrooms
As soon as they hit confirm payment they went, “The f** did we just do?”
[M] And Caustic, what the hell are you doing?
You're battling with Dirtbag Dan
I think you've hit your head, you know?
You're battling with Dirtbag Dan!
That's a bigger risk than wearing those
{points to Shuffle's shoes}
Did you not see the flyer?
Did it not click that this was set in stone?
I know they call you "The Career Ender", I just didn't think they meant your own
[S] Caustic is so pissed
What the f** are you doing here, Mr. Serious?
What were you smoking?
I can imagine when the trailer dropped and he watched the whole thing he called up Dirt like, “Oh man, I kind of thought you were joking.”
[M] Mate, you didn't think this through a damn bit
Dan's sh**, trust me you can't lift this human baggage
And you know the kind of sh** we pull
Just silly kookie antics
f**in' immature dramatics
This battle will destroy the image you've established
[S] Let's take your interview with Rap Grid
You just battled Aye Verb, you said you wanted Big T
sh** you even hinted moves to Patrick
You're a serious dude and that's it
[M] But I guess in a room with Dan it's simple who the man is
[S] So now you're battling us
[M] Two nincompoops with wack kicks who sniff the boot and rap sick
[S] Just some kids who grew up acting and switched to do some rapping
[M] We're so incredibly overrated there's no sense in us going places
And all that's left we're going to say is
[Both] Caustic this is who you're battling!
[Round 1: Dirtbag Dan and Caustic]
[DD] Y'all ready?
You know what rhymes with Marlo and Shuffle-T?
[C] Ah no, no no
You know what? I don't think we're gonna do that
[DD] What the f**, man?
Go ahead, you f**in' go
Already f**in' this sh** up, go ahead
[C] Yo, you wanna know what rhymes with "Marlo and Shuffle-T"?
"None of y'all can f** with me"
Before I murdered Verb I was a certified vet
But I'm white and I'm funny so I don't get any respect
I say f** that sh**
I'm tried way less than Verb did in the end
They only book my a** to ruin the integrity of the event
The second he stepped on that stage, he was already dead
I saw the b**h in his eyes, that's how I knew I had got in his head
And Illmac about to stomp his a** with the pen
And if Verb got a problem with what I said, tell him to drink some f**in' water before you end up in f**in' hospital again
b**h
[DD] Hey, if you're gonna get on your Verb sh**, I'ma get on my bird sh**
Cause y'all both white, like bird sh**
I'll get the drop on ‘em like bird sh**
You f** around with me you'll end up all over the news like bird sh**
[C] Yo you keep droppin' all this bird sh**
You're gonna get the f**in' bird flu like Verb did
[DD] f** that sh**
I came to take your head like a trophy, T
How it's supposed to be
Watch your British b**h get f**ed on cam like Sophie Dee
I watch p**no too, right after my wife goes to sleep
[C] You know you f**ed up when you accepted those flights?
[DD] You know how close this is to Mexico, right?
You'll learn lessons in life if you get through the night
[C] sh**, you f** around with me you'll get Jefferson Price'd
[DD] You know what happened to Jefferson Price?
[C] He got slapped by that fat b**h and it ended his life
[DD] Marlo's b**h look just life Jefferson's wife
To f** he gotta lift the coochie fat
While you're out of town she got your homies at the place
Putting cream on her face like a Gucci tat
She barely let you f** missionary
They got the cameras out and the lights on
Filming British movies after she open her snatch they give her the Full Monty Python
[C] I said I'm good in the hood, I know L.A. crooks
They let this British fairy come all the way out to L.A. shook
I choke you in front of everybody, I'll let L.A. look
I'll put him in that super mega hold
[DD] What's that?
[C] That's L.A. Looks
[DD] Which one of these f**ers are you talking to?
Comb Over or Doctor Who?
[C] What the f** is a Doctor Who?
[DD] You know? f**in' Doctor Who
[C] Doctor Who like Chinese dude on sauce is Doctor Who
[DD] No, Doctor Who, it's a TV show on the BBC, dude with the Tardis
[C] There's a BBB show about a Chinese dude who's retarded?
[DD] No Caustic
[C] If there was, I would totally watch it
[DD] Look that's way off topic, stay by us
No I said we're Californian, I need you to stay bias
Plus, we've got these big beautiful beards and they've got facial hair like f**in' gay pirates
Hey, these f*ggots think that they invented multis
You come from the wrong scene
[C] These f**in' bizarre dweebs have been f**in' with our steez
[DD] It's nothing for one of us to… hundreds of long schemes
[C] But the trouble with that Shuffle is what do the bars mean?
[DD] I'm tryin' to make a sonnet to tug at your heartstrings
You're trying to force multis, some of them aren't clean
[C] So if you're going to take your whole f**in' sh** from the WRCs
Try to limit it to a couple of bars, please
[Round 2: Marlo and Shuffle-T]
[M] I loved all that over-performing like f**in' acting sh**
And I love the fact that in that vlog you said you weren't practicing
Yo, Soul f**in' K.O.'ed you, mate
Sorry guys
I know how the past is one thing
But Soul mowed down his a** with one swing
Thrown out for harmful punching
And if you hear different, it's like music trivia, No Doubt Stefani's fronting
Alright look maybe that day's a little fuzzy in my memory
[S] But back at home him exposing Jeff is still by some considered treachery
But tell the truth, Caustic
It meant more than a battle to you when you dumped the sh** on Jeffy P
[M] It was nothing personal
He's just incredibly morally upstanding when it comes to infidelity
[S] And it's not just Caustic's performance that causes divorces
He writes down the stuff that you've been doing in his book of sins
Then tells your girl what you've been doing in the bulletin
She starts crying eating straight out of a pudding tin
As he breads her hair like, “I said you were too good for him.”
[M] Ask any chick in the place
They'll tell you who's really the biggest snitch in the game
[S] It's not the biggest breakage of the bro code that's been done
You start hanging around them at first he seems totally fun
Then he finds out that one of his homies in love
Then he starts wearing a f**ing wire when he goes to the club
[M] Then his boy's telling a story like, “So she pouts her cheeks says she's gonna go down on me”
And then Caustic chimes in like
[S] “Whoa, that's sweet, say it again just a little bit louder please.”
[M]Look at this f**ing guy, you must live like a slob I'm sure
You're the type to order a plasma screen to your crib and set it up on the floor
[S] I bet you've got two microwaves
One that doesn't work at all
And one that only works when you hold the door
[M] And Dan thinks he'll be remembered for the lyrics in his tunes
I think that's really cute
But you're a long way away from a hit single with some views
So it's a ma**ive f**in' stretch to think that things will look up soon
Trying to make that Dream Work before you're fishing from the moon
Dream Work, boy fishing from the moon
I just said a bunch of the words I just said in that sentence I just said
[S] Now when you're up on stage, battling saying something amusing
Telling the guy that you're against that he's ugly and stupid
And you remember you had dreams of being loved for your music
Do you ever stop and think to yourself, “What the f** am I doing?”
What is proper depressing is when the family dog catches you jackin' off and you have to sulk like, “God, I'm pathetic.”
[M] We sent Dan a vlog to be used in his podcast
Then, get this, the bit we filmed was dubbed with the wrong stuff
You got us!
And then Dan was like
[S] “Yeah! Think you can come on my show and talk that kind of smack to me?”
[M] Oh yeah, ‘cause with your millions of viewers we would have really caused some damage, D
The numbers that watched your show so strongly scared and baffles me
I had to email our original footage to all 12 of them, manually
But let's switch this sh**
[S] It's the British kids
[M] English pricks
[S] Home of Rizzle Kicks, Little Mix, Wiz and Scizz, and fish and chips
[M] Really weird things to list but keep going Shuffle mate stick with it
[S] We're taking over your judicial sh** like the American colonies at 1766
You like that random historical reference?
[M] That's a rhetorical question
[S] Of course it fricking did
We got this in the palm of our handsw e're just spinning it in our finger tips
[M] The battle clowns can still hammer down we make standing out our initiative
[S] So the Cali crowd can gather round as the West Coast witnesses
The Red Coats in this flick like the dress code of Schindler's List
[Round 2: Dirtbag Dan and Caustic]
[DD] I understand
To be a battler these days you don't need to be a part of the music biz or have any concept of what music is
But where do we draw the line with this stupid sh**?
There's a difference between us spitting bars and you two talking in unison
You're not even battle rappers, you're free-form speech enthusiasts
You're battle actors, tou don't even f**ing rap
You do sketch comedy and you s** at that
Don't Flop put you on but off top that's a bad decision
Like one of Lush's hats
[C] sh**, at least it wasn't one of Aspect's f**ing ugly-a** bucket hats
Lookin' like ScHoolboy tool, what the f** is that?
[DD] Nobody's safe!
[C] I mean honestly I think it's kinda tight the way Shuffle recites his bars
And then Marlo comes in and says something kinda smart
But the reality is y'all spend less time apart than p**y lips when vaginas fart
We some veterans believe it so we're not threatened by your secrets
I mean the delivery's kind of clever but the setups aren't as seamless
No wonder your bars always seem to sounds better in a sequence
But whenever you're not together everyone remembers that you're English
[DD] That's why y'all pale in comparison
No y'all pale in comparison
It's embarra**ing, makes me wish I had melanin I could share with ‘em
I tell you what, here's a travel tip
Head up to CBS, get some suntan lotion, smother that sh**
Make sure you get on baldy's forehead real good cause his wispy-a** bangs don't cover that sh**
[C] Marlo's basically a f**in' heretic ‘cause he f**in' lies about where his hair exists
If you're really not embarra**ed, b**h, why don't you lift up that cheap-a** toupee and show us where it is?
[Both] Whoop! There It Is! Whoop! There It Is! Tag Team
[DD] More travel tips
Make sure you collect your miles from that airline when you get back
[C] And make sure you let the stewardess know that your hairline suffers from jet lag
It looks like your forehead made the trip but your hairline got left back
And no Mexico, but if you started sweating right now you'd have a wet back
[DD] At least I'm not going to be a hype man for the rest of my life, dawg
It's ironic Marlo's whiter than a Q-Tip and he's forever Shuffle-T's Phife Dawg
[C] I'm on my Spy vs. Spy sh**
I'll rig his cell so when he answer his phone it blow up like a side chick
I can see into your future Marlo, I'm a motherf**ing psychic
You lucky that T mobile ‘cause you only known for the Sidekick
Y'all like the Nicole Richie and Paris type
[DD] Nah, the Cameron and Ferris type
[C] Kinda like a pirate with a parrot type
Bottom feeding, talent leaching personality parasite
I mean we all know Marlo's a f**ing lame that's why we only listen to what Shuffle's saying
A Marlo battle is like a poker game
If you don't see a good Shuffle, it's not worth playing
[C] What the f** does Marlo even bring to the table?
At least Shuffle's a character
He's got the bars, the charisma, the striking good looks
And what has Marlo got?
[DD] A f**in' free trip to America
Aye, look
We could go on forever with these Marlo bars because everybody likes Shuffle more
But it's getting old playing games with Marlo I bet Shuffle bored
Yo, y'all are supposed to be best friends?
How many times you tried to fight each other?
I feel like me and Caustic are better friends and most of the time we don't even like each other
I still got his back just like a brother
[C] And I'm down to scrap if Dan's ever got in some trouble
But wait a minute, what would it look like if Marlo and Shuffle ever got in a scuffle?
{Dan and Caustic get into a mock fight}
[Round 3: Marlo]
Dissing me for balding blatantly
‘Cause you wished that your ginger wife actually shared the same fate as me
[Shuffle-T]
You're right, I am a speech enthusiast
And it's never fiction
It's more like your Dad ‘cause when I rap my meth addiction (method diction)
Now Lush a**ured us that we were gonna get plenty of a** on the West Coast
[M] Even went as far as to offer us his family members
Well since our plane landed, you will not believe the action we're tasting
I met a chick yesterday at ??? station
Her rack was amazing and she was Asian
We started chatting away and she asked me back to her place
Cause she needed some help getting her mattress inflated
Anyway, I showed her a picture of my girlfriend and said I'm happily taken
WELL-MANNERED BRITS!
She started backing away then gave me a double thumbs up and started randomly waving
[Shuffle-T]
Cali's amazing
Especially when you're as awesome as this
Yesterday went to talk to a chick, awkward as sh**
Four minutes in, boring the b**h
But let's just say, the oral was sick
By which I mean she was orally sick
Caustic ya prick
You look like you've been drawing your beard on with a marker tip
Your facial hair is worse than Marlo's is
You look like John Turturro in Barton Fink if he went apple bobbing in a barber's sink
[M] Hey Dan, great performance against Charlie Clips
f**ing idiot! It was the total opposite
The only bit I liked from that chokathon was this
Seven minutes 17 seconds, go and watch the clip
You go to bop his fist but he don't respond with his
So you just hang for a second and drop pathetically like Wile E. Coyote floating off the cliff
[S]And that rejection probably sent him into seething pain
Cause being self-obsessed is in his DNA
And guess what America? I'm not gonna rhyme that with Aaliyah's plane
Why does everybody keep rhyming sh** with Aaliyah's plane?
That was 13 f**ing years ago that scheme is played
Stop bringing it up or you'll be going down--
[Marlo]
Like Aaliyah's plane!
Now I didn't want to be the one to pa** the message
But you're both getting old and you can't accept it
You still getting on your little skateboards, Dan?
Still trying to shred it?
You can't really go on a skateboard anymore can you? You're far too heavy
That's why I said it
[S] Both of them are trying to grab on to their youthful cheer
Dan uses slang he doesn't know hasn't been used for years
Walks up like “What's up daddio, what's the scoop in here? You guys have been out skateboarding? TUBULAR!”
[M] And your music video to “Concentrate”
You got that sh** popping, Dan
You've even got Caustic downing a beer at the end and then he flips off the cam'
Yeah, you've still got it, lads
[S] That's why Dan's our biggest supporter at nearly 33
It started off on his show just kind of inadvertently
[M] But now he's basically like our really pushy parent
Enforcing the strictest work regime
[S] “Come on guys, that really didn't f**ing work for me
This is our fifth rehearsal, let's see a bit of urgency”
[M] Every battle that we're in he's standing in the wing
Goes all Joe Jackson with a stick if we're not spitting perfectly
[S] He waves his fist frustrated if we skip a word 'cause he thinks we did it purposefully
And then his face goes like Anchorman's son, a little Burgundy
[M] The last time a parent pushed me that hard she was in a surgery, lying on her back f**ing giving birth to me
[S] He watches over us like we're kids in nursery
Trying to use us only so to live out his disturbing dream
[M] Stop trying to recapture your youth through us you sick, perverted freak
[S] ‘Cause we're fighting back this time like a Prince of Persia scene
[M] How's it going, Pinocchio?
[S] f**ing nose like a Toblerone
[M] You need a reality check if you're planning again to go in exposing mode
I mean if every single f**ing week your own kid's at home exposed to you
Stoned on ya homie's show or posing drunk before a battle trying to pose like it's totally dope
You need to question as a parent if you've shown him the ropes, you know?
‘Cause your role model levels, lower than poRICH's vocal tone
This is the guy they call "The Career Ender"
More like the f**ing tattletale who'll say anything to get them to listen
[M] Caustic brings up your alleged convictions
And then he'll sketch a description so that a sentence is given
[S] But it's not detention or prison, it's dealt in a written
And even two posh guys from Reading in Britain can tell that it's snitchin'
[M] It's as if all he's doing is embellishing wisdom
But he brought up the way Jeffy was living
So attention was driven from his own tensions with women
[S] You ignore your own problems by taking your enemies sh** and exposing them in an instance
[M] But he's developed addiction
[S] Worse than Dirtbag's Dad with his meth in the kitchen
[M] You ever think they way you act with leave effects on your infant?
Like he won't see Daddy doing d** and remember it hit him?
[S] Though he thinks he dealing justice that's just his devils within him
Trying to find a place to hide away from his own pathetic existence
And whilst we're here, on the West Coast, in neutral grounds, in the Western Contingent
We thought we'd put our diplomatic ties to work
[M] Cause frankly, all this silly international bother has got us sad and kind of hurt
[S] So before Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan and Dan recite their third
Organik, we want to put this Don't Flop spat behind us first
[M] Shuffle! What's that you have inside your shirt?
[S] A peace treaty!
[M] Gee, really?
[S] And it's signed by Eurgh
Whoa!
Now Dizaster, this isn't laminated
And it's our only copy
[M] So if you can oblige, sir
Now Organik
f** it, Lush
If you can sign here, we can have a night of mirth
[M] And some fireworks
[S] Sorted, BOLA
[M] The war is over
Woo!
[Round 3: Dirtbag Dan and Caustic]
[C] These f**ing 90-pound pussies talking real greezy
You better be ready to turn up
You do f**ing three minutes about me and Jeff and then you start bringing his girl up
Yo, if you bring up my f**ing son I'ma punch you in your nuts
Do you follow soccer, by the way? No, you should have wore your World Cup
[DD] These f**ing queens did a battle where they licked the cream out of Oreos
That sh** wouldn't be gayer if you filmed the whole thing through a glory hole
You just do whatever Eurgh tells you to, honestly, what the f** for?
Sure, Shuffle can get the cream off a cookie faster
We both know which one of you s**s more
[C] So wait
Y'all just ate the middle of the cookie? I don't think that's the way it should be
Bunch of white guys eating the white part of the cookie?
I dunno, that sh** sounds pretty f**ing racist to me
[M] Well I bought some Oreos today and I've got just the plan
Let's do a web redemption since we're up on cam'
Before we finish this round, one of you eats one of these f**in' cookies like a f**in' man
Anybody? Cookie? Biscuit? Biscuits?
[C] And y'all trying to be the f**ing champs?
sh**, Peter and Greg will put y'all to shame
Look it's Adam and Theo
More like Adam and the old ball and chain
Yo, I can't wait for the day your little relationship finally ends
Cause one would die without the other you're basically f**ing Siamese friends
Is this how you wanna spend the rest of your future?
Your best friend's a loser, a desperate moocher, surviving off your talent and your sense of humor
[M] This is Hollywood, Shuffle
I brought you out here to make maneuvers
I've been to that sh**ty country you're from I know you want to escape your future
Your father basically lives at the pub but you can't blame him for being a daytime boozer
Cause your mom's a typical British b**h
She got big old tits with a face like Cruger's
That's ‘cause her ancestors are incesters
That's the problem with your country, fam'
Your aunt's father's were in sisters
So your Grandmother looks like a f**ing man
[C] Wait a minute, Dan
Since we're battling British kids don't you think we should put it in some sh** they can understand?
[M] Okay
Shuffle's Nan has supple cans but her face resembles Russell Brand
That's f**ing disgusting, you couldn't pay me to stuff her clam
[C] Don't be in such a rush now, Dan
I mean on the other hand
A nice guy like me could stomach Shuffle's nan
sh** for a couple grand I'll f** the b**h dressed like I'm f**ing Uncle Sam
[M] America! f** yeah!
You'll hear the rockets red glare when they co*king and spray
It's a revolution so when it's party time, I'ma throw T off the Dock Of The Bay
I'm like Daniel Boone when those cannons boom
I'm like Davy Crockett when I wave these rockets
I'm like George Washington when I…
[C] Dan, you're not f**ing George Washington, stop it
This hyper America bullsh** is f**ing way too obnoxious
[M] f** that sh**, Caustic
They used to fear the beard, I lose a couple battles and now I'm doubted?
It's like y'all forgot who burned down Ness Lee's house just so I could write a f**ing round about it
Sorry, Ness!
[C] You beat us in a dream you better wake up and apologize
He's holding back your character, you basically Han Solo in the carbonite
You couldn't walk a mile in his shoes
You couldn't fill an inch of his condom size
It's like without Shuffle the entire operation is compromised
It's pretty safe to say I know where the problem lies cause without you one of ‘em will not survive
I'ma give you a minute to let that sink into your head like Marlo's eyes
[M] Basically, as far as the bars go
Me and Caustic got stripes like a bar code
People in the back are like, “Why didn't they write more Shuffle bars?”
Well that's easy
[C] Cause Shuffle's f**ing awesome, dude
[M] f** you, Marlo!