[Intro: Lush One]
Making his return to the FreshCoast stage, rapper on my right, who the f** is you player?
[Lex D]
Yo, yo whaddup? Lex D, AKA Bruno Bars, new year, new me...goatee. Texas clover leaf. Nerds that rap, let's get it in
[Lush One]
And, all the way from the dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty south and now transplanted to the west west coast. Give up a motherf**ing shout out to the rapper on my left...
[Carter Deems]
Yo....You already know what it is. It's your boy. Young Cat Hoarder. I'm in this building. I'm in the building. I want to give a shout out to my sponsor...uh...no wait. I want to give a big shout out to my sponsor. Kevin Makes T-Shirts In His Garage With His Ah A T-Shirt Presser That He Bought Off Craigslist.com/entertainment.LLC. Thank you. For the shirt. Let's make some noise
[Round 1: Lex D]
Listen here young ginger tits, it's been a crappy week
Writing for you was a Nightmare Before Christmas cause you ain't not Jack to me
Actually, scratch that, you look a lot like Jack to me
Your personality screams Happy Feet and your salaries from Applebees
Been out the game for years and now he wants to jab at me?
But you'll never reach the pinnacles you have to reach
Cause you a f**boy like Catholic priests
Welcome back...now leave
He's like, "I pop Molly but I don't mess with that Keisha hardly
He's known for downing Jack and Coke's minus the Jack at pizza parties
You're like the kid from Breaking Bad with Cerebral Palsy
Except the kid has a lot less Cerebral Palsy
It's been way long Carter
I hope you don't stay long Carter
No Jay-Z when I call you a white chick cause you're built like Kreayshawn, Carter
If I'm wrong, feel prolonged to stop me, Carter
Every time this lanky woman goes to bars, they always card her/Carter
With this rap sh**, I'm like, "whoa"
You see I do this every day day
You softer than a girl texting message that says KK
The other night I was with his bay bay, she paid Lex D a visit
I said, I fixed her some dinner and said, "Let's enter the kitchen"
Now, I don't have a punchline about s**ual positions
That night, I just really needed a friend who would listen
And me and your mom, did nothing either
Cause she's an overweight 50 year old Justin Bieber
She played her first game of bingo and got f**ing ethered
I don't think you understand the severity of this Carter Deems
Who else you know can take jokes, bars and flip it on 'em Deems?
Comedic genius, but that's just for starters Deems
So you're about to die by what you love, you're a martyr Deems
And it's just weird, I mean it's f**ing weird
How come you're coming here dressed as every member from The Wonder Years?
...Ya mama
[Round 1: Carter Deems]
Lex D...will you please be my bestie?
Just kidding, it stresses me out every time you text me
I do my hand like this...start punching where you neck be
I put Lex in braces and I'm not trying to correct teeth
Do my hand like this...start punching where your head be
Then I'll...I can't do this anymore, do you want to come over and watch Shrek 3?
I have Shrek 1 and 2 too so you can come over all next week
I'll even sit on the floor in the cat poop and let you have the best seat
You can't fight this I k** 'em kindness, opponents want to dead me
Make 'em start swinging like a married person with a bowl trying to collect keys
This munchkin won't get one punch in
I'm quick enough to deflect bees
I'll be able to stop everyone of his chops like I'm here to protect trees
You're nothing but rec league
I do nothing but wreck leagues
Take the MVP trophies, start writing my speech for the ESPY
You directly disrespect me every time you rap incorrectly
If we gave you the credit you deserved you'd still be able to live life debt free
In my closet...that's where my vest be
Take it out, put it over my turtleneck, I'm so fresh you can't out dress me
You should address me as Dizzy Gillespie
Cause every card you pull I'm able to trump it/trumpet to throw one punch I'm able to mix it up like Nestea
Your mustache is my number one pet peeve
Your mustache is the number one place that pets pee
This pesky pest gonna need more than a desk to test me
Cause I test really well, I've never been to jail and the cops can't arrest me
Cause the cops won't ever catch me!
Cause I don't do anything wrong except when I had an unhealthy obsession with Lisa Leslie
She is s**y
Let's see, I gave him one round and sleep through the next three
Just to prove you can't check me
I got four cats in my apartment and I didn't pay the pet fee
Yeah I have four cats and the forecast is more cats
I wanted to have ten cute kids but I really can't afford that
I would've came here with no shirt on, hair flowing riding on horseback
But me and my dad got in an argument and he won't give me my horse back
I'll roll up to where your dorm at
Get my shoes muddy, not use your door mat
Drag my feet across your carpet 'til it's dirtier than the hotel scene in Borat
I never put my foot on a war pest
He'll get shifty like the mask on Rorschach
You're the 28th best battler in the world...of Warcraft
Y'all know my slogan
"I have irritable bowl syndrome but I stopped using medicine cause it makes my ears feel weird"
Time
[Round 2: Lex D]
Yeah, so I guess he has cats
You're a cat person and virgin
You masturbate so much you're technically a hand surgeon
So after the battle I won't give you daps for it
Cause I don't that's worth it
And bro you can't use your cats as a tax purpose
I roll with my dawgs cause we got work to do
You own a plural amount of cats and you're 32
I'm a better nerd than you
Compared to me, you're a newb with computers
A lima bean and a time machine, you'll be a legume in the future
So what? I drove all the way up here just to pull his card or something?
What I gotta do? Put in arrow bars or something?
Yo, when I grip the arrow, that's when sh** gets crazy
Run up on you when you bumping Brad Paisley
Rob him for what he got and if this fool don't pay me
I'll put bows to his head like newborn babies
You ain't got arrow bars like that
You ain't been to war my friend
I want to say you're a Christian but you look more like Edge
Let's go, what you know about Edge though?
He went to Stockton to buy a prostitute and got friend zoned
You ain't even got friend's though
Just stay at home and enjoy the silence like Depeche Mode
See, when you perform you nervous and start to sh** up bricks
When I perform it's hands in the air like a stick up b**h
Imagine this ba*tard trying to pick up chicks
Nah, this chicken's a f*ggot, he'd rather pick up sticks
Slow looking boy, hoe looking boy
Ain't no place like home looking boy
Leno took over and now Conan has no Tonight Show looking boy
I played with your sister's nipples like they were iPods
Cause that b**h led me on like a seeing eye dog
My god, I'm seeing red like Cyclops
I'm the best hands down like a [?] karate time chop
...ya mama
[Round 2: Carter Deems]
I drink Pierre...er'yday
Look, I'm flier than a pair of J's
Look, I'm flier than [?] Burlington barricades
And a pink Caddy looking like the trunk full of Mary Kay
The backseat full of Ashley and Mary Kate videos
I live life silly bro, ate the icing off of ten pieces of carrot cake
I did some really weird stuff in Paraguay
So it's fair to say I've lived life in a careless way
But I don't care and I really love what you've done with your hair today
I've prepared [?] and arteries, the hardest bars that are bizarre
But I got slept on like some well deserved R&R
So I woke up, chugged three Mountain Dews just to prove that I can party hard
This kid is B, I brought that expensive heat like a holographic Charizard
This battle is a dragon sword versus a Labrador
I don't know why you think you're swagging for
Your mustache told me you really enjoy Macklemore
People said I should battle more so I'm back aboard
Climbing to the top like I'm chilling on the Matterhorn
But it doesn't matter cause I won't quit spitting 'til Don DeMarco hit's the rapper horn
We can go back and forth but no I won't pa** the torch
So you can sit back and rest and follow my quotes, I'm Michael Rapaport
You rapping dork, you can't out rap this dork
I've seen every season of Dr. Who and I can name all the doctors too
Still a party animal, got my house looking like Matt Damon's in We Bought A Zoo
Everyday is Bonnaroo
Even when I'm jogging dude
He can't even jog, lungs full of L.A. smog, plus he looks like a Hobbit too
Your jeans would be too skinny for Steve Buscemi
Pants so tight I can see the silhouette of at least two pennies
I know you were crying earlier but you need to regroup quicker
Cause I'm so crazy, my style's so wavy, I should have some Sea Doo's with me
Y'all know the slogan:
My Co-Worker Won't Eat Lunch With Me Because I Sent Out A Ma** E-Mail And I Really Feel Sad About It
[Round 3: Lex D]
I don't care how you feel A
Why do you rap as Carter Deems? Is that your real name?
(Personals homie, check his ID)
Yo, battle rap ain't your spot, please make it stop
You sound like a person from down south who prays a lot
And is about to take me to his favorite spot
Where they serve hash browns and tatter tots
We're all reminiscing of the Carter of past days
His bedroom is where the Magic Johnson happens but that's only because he has AIDS
This ain't a barber shop so you better shape up or catch fades
Cause after three rounds I'm laying a beat down like cascade
The return of Carter Deems
Hey...that's great
You were charged with a bad case of three counts of cat rape
For you, everyday is a bad day
You always finish last place
And the only reason your girl has the heart of a champion is because she looks like Pat Stay
Things that don't exist in his life:
Dignity, large cash, bar stash
Lex Diamond is outshining you in this battle so I don't know what you would star as
Carter competing with Lex? sh**, that's a hard task
Cause what happens when you run into a Lex? You'll see Car' crash
See, your haircut makes you look like a teenage Simba
That sh** is wack
You were known for making people laugh
Then several years past and now he wants to return to rap
But there's a new level of funny and creativity and we all know you can't adapt
So I'm sorry Carter, but you need to face the facts
That position is mine now and you can't have it back
Ya mama
[Round 3: Carter Deems]
He said something about Pat Stay and my girl, but that metaphor is broken dude
Cause I don't have a girl so joke's on you
He said he'd be my wing man but that promise was hollow as a bird's frame
Cause I went to Applebees, flirted with three girls and you didn't tell me I had a shirt stain
My name is Carter which means I come farther
With the velocity of at least three hurricanes
His names Alexus which translates to...you have a girl's name
Time for some word play
When I suit up, mask on, it's not a costume or something
They be like, "Which/witch way did he go?"
But I'm not on a broom or something
You in Oc-to-ber/burr, start shooting this pumpkin
Ring his bell, trick or - okay these four bars meant absolutely nothing
My bars on point like Artemis, the archer is
Which means that I hardly miss
Your bars hit about as hard as a bottle of Arbor Mist or Carter's fists
I swam to a birthday party in the middle of the ocean just to give a shark a gift
And ate a bean burrito, sat in your couch just to prove to you that farts exist
I'm not scared at all, you could grow Wolverine's claws and start swiping at me
And I still try to give you a fist bump just to show you that my life is happy
You could use two snakes as nunchucks and throw a viper at me
And I'd act so cool you'd think I wear all white suits and drive a Caddy
But really I wear green turtlenecks and all types of khakis
I earn my right, bought my flight jacket just to start a fight in Cali
I could wear nothing but brown Crocs and a tank top to a biker rally
Push over all the motorcycles cause I have more guts than Mike O'Malley
You could keep a nine where the dash be
Put a nine where my back be
But you're still a weirdo, I don't fear those like DeNiro when he's driving a Taxi
You wanna know what people really think about you?
Tonight's the night, just ask me
But I warn you the truth hit you so hard you'll start seeing stars like Neil Tyson Degra**e
Cause you don't live in the true trap
You don't move packs
You don't do crack
You don't shoot gats
You're not on the corner, you're not boom bap
You sit on your bed in your room, that's where you do POOP at
And I have the photographic evidence to prove that
But I got distracted on Google so instead I brought this picture of some cute cats
Y'all know my slogan:
Jenna Stop Wearing My Snuggie When I Go Home. Stop Wearing It. I Went To Work And I Came Back. It Was On Beanbag Chair. My Snuggie Was On The Beanbag Chair. When I Came Home It Was On The Loveseat. I Know You're Wearing it Jenna. I Know You're Wearing It
Time