[Announcer]
Ladies and Gentleman... John Pinette
Crowd Cheering
[John Pinette]
Thank you! Wow!
Hello!
Thank you very much!
Wow... this better be good huh? (Laughs)
It's a pleasure to be here.
I went to the gym today
listen first... first listen
Since February I've been going to the gym five or six days a week
I don't like it. I go because I want to be healthier.
I have such a long road ahead of me.
I lost a hundred pounds... and people say to me
"Wow! We can really see it in your face."
How big was my head before I started this journey?
Apparently I was the Kool-Aid man. Nobody ever said anything to me.
Oh yeah, Kool-Aid's here
That's John, his head is the size of a manhole cover. We don't talk about it though.
(Shhh)
And it's not like I'm getting back in shape. "Oh getting back in shape"
No! I never was in shape.
So in February I hired a trainer.
I've had many since then...
Some quit... Some turned to d** and alcohol.
One trainer quit the business and opened up a candy store.
Seriously, he makes the best Maple-Walnut Fudge I've ever tasted.
So I'm not just big, I'm a carrier. People get big around me.
The the trainer says to me, "You know you're tired now --
you're a little sore from working out, but once you start you get addicted."
I don't think so.
I think I can quit this gym stuff anytime I want.
I got a lot of will power.
See that guy with the muscles over there...
That's not going to be me.
You're never going to find me in the exercise wing of the Betty Ford
"I can't stop, I wanna stop, but I can't stop."
One trainer told me to loosen me up he wanted me to walk across the gym.
He said, "Do this... This is called the soldiers walk".
He made me do this across a gym full of people.
Pinette marches across the stage
This is a soldier's walk!? This is not... You're making this up!
What is there a gay Nazi Brigade out there we don't know about?
This is the Spring Time for Hitler number from the Producers. This is not a military thing.
Then he says to me, "Give me a situp".
I said, "Oh, Nay Nay!"
I don't do "Ups" I told him that when I signed up. I don't do "Ups".
I do "Downs".
Sit down, lay down, Black-Jack I'll double-down...
Give me a cheeseburger I'll wolf it down.
Put on a little music, I'll boogie down.
But I don't do "Ups"!
Ups defy gravity...
Gravity is a law...
I obey the law...
I see people at the gym and I just don't think healthy.
I do this machine, you know this horrible machine
I don't know the name of it, I call it the "horrible machine"
I started in February I could do 5 minutes, but I'd have to cry for 2 1/2 of those minutes.
People don't want to see that at the gym, they complain...
"Take him off that machine, he's crying..."
Now I can do 45 minutes and it's a real miracle
(crowd cheers)
but... Oh I'm a pleasure to be around too...
I see other people working out on the machines
they're thinking, "What machine am I going to do next?"
"Maybe I'll do weights."
- and I'm thinking if I do 45 minutes and I live I'm going to have Raviolis and a nap.
So the last 15 minutes is a chant, "Raviolis and a nap, Raviolis and a nap!"
I'm like this on the machine. The trainer comes by and says --
- I see you're sweating that great. That means you're burning fat.
- Oh good, I hope it's a controlled burn...
'cause if this baby goes up all at once
there's going to be a mushroom cloud over this gym.
I've gone to nutritionists, it's tough to eat well on the road.
There's a lot of late night eating.
And uh, I... I went to one nutritionist...
I walk into his office and he says --
- Well the good news is you can have all the salad you want.
- Pheww, that is good news. I was nervous.
I came in here thinking, "Please god anything, don't take away my salad."
How will I live without mixed greens?
You mean I can have all the Radicchio I want?
Stop! I'm getting a chubby.
He wanted me to eat salad as the food.
Salad is not food. Salad comes with the food.
You go out. You order a steak. What do they do?
They bring you a salad, they don't even charge you for it --
'cause it ain't worth anything, 'cause it ain't food.
Salad is a promissory note that food will soon arrive.
I never learned to think of salad as food.
If I see a salad I go, "Something good is gonna happen soon --
I'll wait right here."
And I've been on diets for over 20 years, off and on
and every part of a diet has been salad. So I see a salad, there's not a lot of joy there.
I go, "Oh good a salad."
- What would you like on your salad?
- Häagen-Dazs
Melt the Häagen-Dazs to look like Ranch. Just do it!
My nutritionist said, "How about steamed vegetables?"
Oh! That's heated salad, I don't want that either.
One nutritionist recommended Sushi. Sushi is high in Protein, low in calories.
There are some wonderful Japanese dishes. Japanese food has great aesthetics
great presentation, but Sushi, it's wrapped in seaweed.
Now that's ocean salad, I'm not eating that.
And you're not supposed to eat seaweed, I pick that out of the crack of my a**
at the beach. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to eat that.
I never went to the beach and went, "Hey honey!" We got sandwiches here hold on...
What are you getting pizza for?
I hope that's not how it's harvested.
Sumo wrestlers up and down the beach at Osaka.
- "I'ma full now, I'ma coming in."
I went to an herbalist. Nice lady. This herbalist lady...
She said to me, "Are you a vegetarian?"
Not in the strictest definition.
Like I'm trying to be a vegetarian, I don't eat veal, but he grows up.
I'll k** him on the front lawn.
He's gotta go. Actually I don't eat veal because it gave me nightmares.
I dreamed a mother cow came into the restaurant
while I was eating Veal Parmesan. She'd walk in... "Have you seen Timmy!?"
I'll help you look for him, let me get a doggy bag.
No veal...
And I used to love lamb. Lamb chops yidels my favorite. Oh lamb, Mmm.
My friend owns a farm, I go up to the farm he has livestock
he gives me a baby lamb to hold.
It falls asleep in my arms...
I love lamb...
He says to me, "It fell asleep, it trusts you."
It has very poor judgement.
Then I bit it right in the a**.
No. I'm holding this lamb knowing that I'm never going to have lamb again.
And he said, "Would you like to see the cows now?"
Hell no! I'll see them at McDonald's.
Can't buddy up to everyone at once.
This herbalist she told me for the first month I want you to juice.
"To juice..."
I don't know what that means. Juice is not a verb.
What do you want me to do?
She wanted me to just have juice.
She sold me a juicer. I thought it was a wood-chipper.
You can juice stuff I didn't know had juice in it.
And I don't do well on just juice
3rd day I juiced a ham...