Int. Lebowski's Home - Day
Entering the room is a fat sixty-ish man in a motorized wheelchair--Jeff Lebowski.
LEBOWSKI
Okay sir, you're a Lebowski, I'm a Lebowski, that's terrific, I'm very busy so what can I do for you?
He wheels himself behind a desk. The Dude sits facing him as Brandt withdraws.
DUDE
Well sir, it's this rug I have, really tied the room together-
LEBOWSKI
You told Brandt on the phone, he told me. So where do I fit in?
DUDE
Well they were looking for you, these two guys, they were trying to--
LEBOWSKI
I'll say it again, all right? You told Brandt. He told me. I know what happened. Yes? Yes?
DUDE
So you know they were trying to piss on your rug--
LEBOWSKI
Did I urinate on your rug?
DUDE
You mean, did you personally come and pee on my--
LEBOWSKI
Hello! Do you speak English? Parla usted Inglese? I'll say it again. Did I urinate on your rug?
DUDE
Well no, like I said, Woo peed on the rug--
LEBOWSKI
Hello! Hello! So every time--I just want to understand this, sir--every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city, I have to compensate the--
DUDE
Come on, man, I'm not trying to scam anybody here, I'm just--
LEBOWSKI
You're just looking for a handout like every other--are you employed, Mr. Lebowski?
DUDE
Look, let me explain something. I'm not Mr. Lebowski; you're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. That, or Duder. His Dudeness. Or El Duderino, if, you know, you're not into the whole brevity thing--
LEBOWSKI
Are you employed, sir?
DUDE
Employed?
LEBOWSKI
You don't go out and make a living dressed like that in the middle of a weekday.
DUDE
Is this a--what day is this?
LEBOWSKI
But I do work, so if you don't mind--
DUDE
No, look. I do mind. The Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this will not stand, man. I mean, if your wife owes--
LEBOWSKI
My wife is not the issue here. I hope that my wife will someday learn to live on her allowance, which is ample, but if she doesn't, sir, that will be her problem, not mine, just as your rug is your problem, just as every bum's lot in life is his own responsibility regardless of whom he chooses to blame. I didn't blame anyone for the loss of my legs, some Chinaman in Korea took them from me but I went out and achieved anyway. I can't solve your problems, sir, only you can.
The Dude rises.
DUDE
Ah f** it.
LEBOWSKI
Sure! f** it! That's your answer! Tattoo it on your forehead! Your answer to everything!
The Dude is heading for the door.
LEBOWSKI
Your "revolution" is over, Mr. Lebowski! Condolences! The bums lost!
As the Dude opens the door.
LEBOWSKI
...My advice is, do what your parents did! Get a job, sir! The bums will always lose-- do you hear me, Lebowski? THE BUMS WILL ALWAYS--
The Dude shuts the door on the old man's bellowing.