I suppose you're wondering what we're doing here
Under this comforter
Well the truth is, darling, I am about to fart
Now before you get angry or flail madly or hold your breath
Just hear me out
Now, I'm not gonna pretend this is gonna be like a walk in the rose garden though
I'm no Sarah Palin
This is gonna stink
It might smell like stale popcorn salted in asparagus
Or a cabbage brownie
Or something so Velcro and foul it clings to your pant legs like trash juice
I'm not a good judge of where these things are gonna go
They call this the love test
Dutch oven
Hotboxing
This is how you know you have something special
It's not about how we kiss
And fall into each other's lips
How electricity conducts from our fingertips into each other's bodies
What ancient languages we blurt out as we climax together
Simultaneously
Our relationship's best moments are fleeting flashes of perfect
The untenable hold of joy
This is about those less than ideal moments
The times when we're simply human
A loosened booger
Trapdoor opening and closing with every breath
Finding underwear in a trashcan and we don't say a word
Conversations on a toilet
If you can't love me in this awkward space just live in this filthy stinky moment
What are you gonna do when it really gets bad?
Can you still love me?
Throwing up every hour
My bedside table a heap of prescription bottles
My pillow thatched with what little hair I have left to give
Can you still love me?
Showering me in a chair
Wiping my a** as I sob "I'm sorry" at you
Putting my underwear in the trashcan without saying a word
Can you still love me?
When I struggle to recognize you
Call our son by my brother's name
Scream when I look into the mirror
My stroke-addled face may hang like a sheet on a branch
Wrinkled and absent of cohesion
Just know that there are rings inside of me that are black and burned with the memory of you that I would carve away at the bark of me to get at
We may not always be able to slow dance when our wedding song sneaks onto the radio
And the doctor might tell me I'm not gonna live to see winter
And that's okay, I hate shoveling anyway
And there may come a day when we are planning my funeral and I insist on being buried in the shirt that says "insert wooden stake here" over the heart
I hope you will shake your head and do it anyway
Like I said
I'm not a good judge of where these things are gonna go
Not everyone looks forward to being their lover's caretaker and it's okay I'm not either
I just hope and pray that you will love me as I do you in those difficult times
Like this one
Where we are both under a comforter and I am about to
[sniff sniff]
Is that you?
Wow
Is it weird for me to say how much I love you in this moment for that?