One of the unsettling things about my journey, mentally, physically, and emotionally, was that I wasn't sure when or where it was going to end. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. I felt that I was staring over and over again. I was always on the move, always going somewhere. While we walked, I sometimes lagged behind, thinking about these things. To survive each pa**ing day was my goal in life. At villages where we managed to find some happiness by being treated to food or fresh water, I knew that was temporary and that we were only pa**ing through. So I couldn't bring myself to be completely happy. It was much easier to be sad that to go back and forth between emotions, and this gave me determination I needed to keep moving. I was never disappointed since I always expected the worst to happen. There were nights when I couldn't sleep but stared into the darkest nights until my eyes could see clearly through it. I thought about where my family was and whether they were alive.
One night while I sat outside in a village square thinking about how farI had come any what might lie ahead, I looked into the sky and saw how thick clouds kept trying to cover the moon, yet it would reappear again and again to shine all night long. In some ways my journey was like that of the moon-although I had even more thick clouds coming my way to make spirit dull. I remember something that Saidu had said one evening after we had survived another attack by men with spears and axes. Jumah, Moriba, and Musa were asleep on the verandah we occupied, Alhaji, Kanei, Saidu, and I were awake and quietly listening to the night. Sadu's heavy breathing made our silence less unbearable. After a few hours had gone by, Sadu spoke in a very deep voice, as if someone were speaking through him. "How many more times do we have to come to terms with d**h before we find safety?" he asked.
He waitied a few minutes, but the three of us didn't say anything. He continued: "Evey time people come at us with the intentions of k**ing us, I close my eyes and for d**h. Even though I am still alive, I feel like each time I accept d**h, part of me dies. Very soon I will completely die and all that will be left is my empty body walking with you. It will be quitter than I am." Saidu blew on the palms of his hands to warm them and lay on the floor. His heavy breathing intensified and I knew he had fallen asleep. Gradually, Kanei and then Alhaji fell asleep. I sat on a wooden bench against the wall and thought and Saidu's words. Tears formed in my eyes and my forehead became warm, thinking about what Saidu had said. I tried not to believe that I was dying, slowly, on my way to find safety. The only time I was able to fall asleep that night was then the last morning breeze, the one containing the irresistible urge to sleep, saved me from my wandering mind.