Dury-Hardy
I first got the case of the man with no face
One evening in August last year
A telephone call told me nothing at all
And I made an appointment with fear.
She was dressed to the nines on Parisian lines
Her features were winsome and cool
She stuck half a grand in my hot little hand
Which is more than I get as a rule.
I tried to look wise as she plied me with lies
About husbands and random young men
And when she was through, I said: 'Bollocks to you'
You're talking to lavatory len.
You're not some poor tart who had a bad start
You're in with the heavy brigade
You're up to some skank and to be very frank
I'm useless with shooters and blades.
To tell you the truth, she said I need a good sleuth
To save me from murder or jail
I've got over a ton of Kabul Number One
And the victim of theft on my tail.
I'm the private dick, I'm the private face
I'm the private eye in the private place.
She said: 'He's the real snag, he's the king of the blag'
'And he's known to be hard on the chase'
'He stays in the shade when he's plying his trade'
'And they call him the man with no face'.
'With no more ado' - I said: 'No f**ing, thank you'
And I started to show her the door
When into my day stepped a man dressed in grey
Who's face was a mask, nothing more.
He made it quite clear that he wanted his gear
By jobbing me straight in the chops
It isn't much fun when the business gets done
But it's ever so nice when it stops.
Whereupon, I offered him coke which by way of a joke
Was a mixture of acid and smack
Like a jolly good sport he had a huge snort
And was very soon flat on his back.
I'm the private face, reach for the sky
I'm the private dick in the private eye.
So we had it away for a year and a day
With a three-ton truck and a tent
Our large lump of hash made us bundles of cash
‘Cause we sold some wherever we went.
And I ain't heard no trace of the man with no face
And I hope that's just how it stays
‘Cause we've got enough dope to be able to cope
With our needs for the rest of our days.
I'm the private dick, I'm the private face
I'm the private eye in the private place.