I wrote this as a joke one morning. It got a bit out of hand, as jokes tend to do, and more verses arrived, (and departed) depending on who was annoying me on any given day. After I performed it one night outside of Baltimore, a gentleman introduced me to a wonderful BBC Radio series called Old Harry's Game. It is set in Hell, and is wildly funny. Well worth looking for. See as well, C. S. Lewis' "The Screwtape letters."
You might have noticed the road was real bad
It's not really paved with good intentions
We just flattened out some Wall Street guys
And those boys with their inventions,
Like Twitter and Facebook, man, you people love to talk
But let me make it clear we're glad you're here.
Let's you and me take a little walk…
Step into the elevator, that's right
There's just one bu*ton, DOWN.
Takes about a million years to get there
It's along way underground
Meet Michael Bolton and Kenny G.,
They'll be playing just for you
All of your favourites, like "Little Drummer Boy"
Yeah, and that song from " Titanic " too.
So welcome to Hell
I got news for you pal, you're dead.
We prepared a special place for you
The coals are nice and red
We've been watching you your whole life
We've heard every little word you've said
And I hope you're feeling rested
You got some busy days ahead.
Hot enough for ya?
I love that joke, we use that all the time.
Here's where we keep all the insurance guys
With their lawyers and the mimes
We got a lot of you self righteous folk singers down here
We got you for a song
And we've got all those religious fundamentalists
Turns out they were all fundamentally wrong…
Hey Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher, how you doing?
Good to see ya.
Here's those tickets that we promised you.
Season's pa** to Mama Mia
We got singalong Sound of Music down here
Celine Dion sings the lead
It's a rap version, I'm not kidding man.
If that don't make your ears bleed.
And CNN is on here all the time
FOX news is 24/7
We got Glenn Beck and Anne Coulter down here
They didn't want 'em up in Heaven
And Rush Limbaugh teaches nude yoga
Ain't that boy a sight?
And we send our laundry to Mitt Romney
He's trying to keep the world nice and …white.
And we got al those Al Queda bombers,
My god , they're all crazier than squirrels.
They all got their promised 72 virgins though
(none of them are girls)
And Lorreena Bobbitt is our surgeon general
She volunteers here at night.
She takes care of all those murder/ suicide husbands and boyfriends
Who never could quite seem to get the order right.
So welcome to Hell.
You coulda been a better guy
Coulda loved your neighbour, maybe done some good.
You never so much as tried.
No point trying to b**h to me.
I only work here son.
And you seem to feel you're being punished.
And you are.
We're just trying to make it fun.
Oh look! there goes President Sarah Palin!
She's a Maverick…she's a doll.
I hear she's single these days …here's her card
She wants you to call.
She's written over a hundred books now
I'm not kidding man, it's true.
They're required reading down Here by the way.
Yeah, and you gotta memorize them too.
Oh…look Stephen Harper in a Speedo bathing suit.
That's the kind of sight you only see in Hell.
Stephen, you're lowering the tone down here.
That thing don't fit you very well.
Spandex is a privilege, it's not a right.
I thought by now you knew.
And besides you know, I don't mean to get personal here
But is it cold in here, or is THAT just you?
Well, It's about time you met the Big Guy
Got yourself settled in and such
It the thing that makes him special
It's the extra little personal touch
It's quite literally a Fireside Chat
He has it with all of you trainees.
There He is ….Satan…Master of Flesh…Lord of the Abyss…the Great Destroyer…
No….that's really Him
He just likes to pretend he's Dick Cheney
So welcome to Hell
You're not gonna like it here
Get your a** up on that barbeque
We only serve American beer down Here
You coulda lived a better life, maybe not been such a jerk
But you made your bed, quit your whining
Here's your banjo.
Get to work