During the early evening hours of a lazy day in June, Spencer walked along cracked sidewalks of which the patterns had long been etched into her mind. She trailed behind Holden as he slipped off into another tangent, but she had a difficult time focusing on the voice she usually could never get enough of. As her eyes scanned the row of houses, the yards that were not tended to as they could be, she couldn't completely ward off the sense of anxiety she felt. Would she see him this time? It had been almost a year since she last had, and as they finally walked past his house, she automatically checked to see whether or not his car was parked outside, a habit she had made. It was, leading her to walk past as quickly as possible without looking back.
***
Spencer was a people-pleaser. Everyone who knew her well was able to pick up on this with ease--it was simply her nature. That's why even when she knew her romantic feelings towards Jack had diminished, she struggled to find the way to tell him for months. When she finally worked up the nerve to tell him that she saw their relationship going no further, she was surprised by the simplicity of it. He accepted the end of a relationship that spanned the better part of three years without even so much as an argument.
She knew when Holden professed feelings for her that hers for him had been developing as well, without her realization. Throughout the entire duration of their friendship, especially during the latter year when times were troubled, he was always capable of giving her optimism and making her feel as though she was actually worth his time. The only problem was is that he happened to be Jack's closest friend, earning an automatic disapproval from him.
Holden and Spencer began dating, and were happier as ever. Spencer could never bear to tell Jack though, feeling guilty for the decision she had made. Holden persistently persuaded her to consider her own happiness; he taught her that while her empathy was a great gift, she must be able to put herself first sometimes.
***
Jack's car slowly pulled up to Spencer's house, and she quickly slipped out of the house before either of her parents could ask any questions. The day in particular was a flash of hot leather car seats, fast turns, and the sound of Jack's voice cracking in anger as he yelled at her.
“WHY HOLDEN?”
“OUT OF EVERYONE, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE WITH HIM?”
“WHY DIDN'T ANYONE STOP TO CONSIDER HOW I WOULD FEEL?”
Spencer could feel the anxiety swirling in her chest. With tears pouring down her face, she bleakly explained that he made her happy.
Why is that all I can get out?
I need to stop crying. I need to take control.
He makes me feel happy and worthwhile, something you were never able to do.
Get the words out, Spencer.
But the anxiety slowly worked its way up to her brain, causing her to do what she did far too often when displeasing someone. Defense mode took over, and his words became further and further away. She removed herself from the present moment, transporting instead to a place where this conversation was not occurring--in fact, never existed. Spencer did not necessarily feel happiness in this place, but detachment. It was better to feel nothing, than to feel the overwhelming guilt. At least that's what she told herself.