'where are you going you rude ba*tard? Australia f** off, wait til you people start using real verbs. How f**ing tough is that, can't win a f**ing medal. What about Gallipoli, where the f** were you Scots in Gallipoli? We were dying by the f**ing thousands on the beach! You ba*tard were drinking tea in Suvelavey. Mel Gibson was nearly k**ed mate!'
'yeah!'
'Where are you going young miss, that….. that young girl, you can wait like everybody else. That girl that girl that girl come in here please young la** or you're gonna be in big trouble , you'll end up getting six of the best and that will hurt like buggery.'
'No Tim nothing hurts like buggery!'
'Paul has a very important question to ask you people, the most….'
'Onsies or twosies?'
'I guess we'll tell by the time it takes, off you go now, and well done a woman going to the toilet by herself this evening! Well done. First time for everything. Paul has a very important question, lets give him the answer that he demands!'
'not yet I haven't asked the question yet'
'question answer'
'are we all ready? Is there anyone in here tonight…..that's a f**ing old joke now. Is there anyone here tonight who believes in SATAN!'
'SATAN, yeah ooh ooh ooh yeah!'
'alright, I want you… why don't you think about Santa and Satan again, I dunno..'
'sorry about that he's speaking in some obscure Australia dialect, um I'll just speak back to him. Excuse me for just a moment…"oh waddaf**gitf**ohgetthenf**f**inwhaddaf**" Laurie you're not taking the car out Laurie, no Noeline get f**ed Noeline get f**ed, sorry.'
'he's nodding, remember son just say no…to books'
'God you are f**ing stupid mate you look like the sorta guy that wouldn't get out of the bath to take a sh**. Now that everyone does believe in Satan, we'd like you all to repeat after me,
'We are the children of Satan'
'We are the children of Satan'
'The Ball room at the Assembly rooms is our devils nest'
'The Ball room at the Assembly rooms is our devils nest'
'We want to eat your unborn children'
'We want to eat your unborn children'
'May we borrow some cutlery please?'
'no no no, look this…'
'would you like a leg to go with that?'
'this has gone far enough guys, um I just wanna say that its been a great joke about all this stuff so far, but I think we've gone too far with this and I think we've all been bad Christians tonight, all of us, hey mate, hey mate, Jesus loves you but he hates what you're doing, ok, now I think we've all been bad Christians here tonight and we all need to atone and the best way to atone is by singing a Christian youth group camp song. So everyone follow my example please, everyone now, everyone's gotta do the actions with me, so it goes like this'
Running and leaping and praising God
Running and leaping and prais…….
'shut the f** up!'
'you may not have been keeping up with current events rich but we've all flipped to the B side!! Now listen Pauly and I have our own little special version of the song, during the verse of this song we require you to clap along twice like this, every once in a while, lets just try that on the count of three clapping twice, one two three. Ah yes the old third clap from the Australian there. There is a time difference son but try and catch up. Lets show them how we kicked their a**es in Gallipoli, here we go now, lets try it again, one two three….oh yes Greenwich mean, stick with in. Ok now everybody up on your f**ing feet, because we have to prepare for the chorus now.'
'ok everyone in the audience now, up on your feet please lets get it really happening now, only five more minutes or five more hours it'll be the choice of a younger generation, maybe you should have sat down cause you really are an ugly bunch.'
Running and leaping for Satan is lord,
Running and leaping for Satan is lord,
'lets just give that a quick try, one two three….'
Running and leaping for Satan is lord,
Running and leaping for Satan is lord,
'ok people lets really get the horns happening as if you mean it'
'everyone does this, everyone, I can see the little people up the back there thinking we cant see them but we can, we can f**ing see every person in this audience, I want you to… particularly tonight to really hit that floor hard when you come down cause Greg Proops is trying to do a show downstairs..'
'the fish shop man'
'and he said there was a blood feud between us, in a national paper a few weeks ago and by jingo we're gonna win it tonight because the roof down there is quite soft still, big plaster sorta frieze on top of it, and apparently its been coming down almost every night, so if we can really f**ing hit that floor, and do something with our feet, lets be positive and get the American downstairs. Ok now we're gonna try that once more, Satan is lord. This time everyone, otherwise I will be up there, and it doesn't take me long to get up the top'
'ok everybody now, as we do it I want you to all keep your eyes really wide open as if you just spent a fortnight with some born again Christians, who love you, but wont f** you!'
Silver and gold have I none
But such as I have here by thee
In the name of Beelzebub
Of Nazareth rise up and walk
Running and leaping for Satan is lord
Running and leaping for Satan is lord
Running and leaping for Satan is lord
Running and leaping for Satan is lord
Silver and gold have I none
But such as I have here by thee
In the name of Beelzebub
Of Nazareth rise up and walk
'now run with the wind Mel!'
Running and leaping for Satan is lord
Running and leaping for Satan is lord
Running and leaping for Satan is lord
Running and leaping for Satan is lord