'Paul has an important question to ask you good people here tonight,'
'is there anyone here tonight who believes…. Oh great, oh the surrealist is in the room!
'the fabled British wit we've all been hearing about'
'yes the shining wit, or was that a spoonerism I was thinking about'
'and it is great to have you along, master of the f**ing obvious. I bet you're one of those people that sit and home and when the phone rings you go, "oh that'd be the phone"
'you keep those wild yes heckles coming when ever you think you agree with something. I think that's about it for this evening'
'I'd like to start again. Is there anyone here tonight..'
'whoa!'
'wait a second she changed her voice!'
'crazy, hey its her right!'
'is there anyone here tonight who believes in SATAN!'
'SATAN!'
'SATAN!'
'2, 4, 6, 7…'
'a few people don't the front there…..
'is that a bid?'
'Not quite good enough really, unfortunately we have about 75 minutes of material about the dark lord that we would love to do tonight, however we cant really do it if there is such a negativity towards Satan in the room. Just to give us a bit of an idea of the audience demographic, how many people in the audience tonight are Christians? Just with a show of hands, please Christians in the audience. Two right down the front, fantastic, another Christian half way down. If you are worried about putting up your hands, don't forget, HE'S WATCHING! Can I hear a co*k crowing in the distance? Let's see those hands Christians, keep them up, keep them up, be proud of your faith, be proud of your religion, don't be ashamed of it, another Christian coming out there that's fantastic. Keep those hands up, keeps those hands up Christians be obvious about it ok, everyone else get the rocks ready. No, no it's a joke, it's a joke Christians it a joke!'
'in this day and age we'd use crossbows….or lions….'
'but you have pointed yourselves out which was a f**ing stupid thing to do really, but I must say, very Christian of you at the same time. Now with yourselves Christians and with every other person in the room, please tonight, please, let's think about Satan, not just as an airy fairy mythological creature, but as a close personal friend of the savior. Lets see if over the course of the evening we have together, if you too can invite Satan into your hearts.'
'Satan, Satan come into my heart! (Satanic babbling) Your mother drinks tap water in Dunfirmline!'
'So please everyone please believe in Satan, for gods sake!'