[NORMA]
Hurry up, the birthday boy is on his way
This is a surprise celebration
I hope you've remembered everything I've said
I want to see a total transformation
[JOE,spoken]
What's all this?
[NORMA,spoken]
Happy birthday, darling. Did you think we'd forgotten?
[JOE,spoken]
Well, I ... I don't know
[NORMA,spoken]
These people are from the best men's shop in town. I had them close it down for the day
[JOE,spoken]
Norma, now listen!
[NORMA,spoken]
I'll leave you boys to it
[MANFRED]
Happy birthday, welcome to your shopathon!
[JOE]
What's going on?
[MANFRED]
Help yourself, it's all been taken care of
Anyone who's anyone is dressed by me
[JOE]
Well, golly gee
[MANFRED]
Pick out anything you'd like a pair of
You just point, I'll do the rest
I've brought nothing but the best
You're a very lucky writer
Come along now, get undressed
Unless I'm much mistaken
That's a 42-inch chest
[JOE]
I don't understand a word you're saying
[MANFRED]
Well, all you need to know's the lady's paying
It's nice to get your just reward this time of year
[JOE]
Get outta here!
[MANFRED]
And all my merchandise is strictly kosher
When you've thrown away all your old worn-out stuff
[JOE]
Hey, that's enough
[MANFRED]
Perhaps you'd like to model for my brochure
I have just the thing for you
Chalk-stripe suits
[SALESMAN 1]
In black
SALESMAN 2]
Or blue
[SALESMAN 3]
Glen plaid trousers
[SALESMAN 4]
Cashmere sweaters
[SALESMAN 5]
Bathing shorts for Malibu
[SALESMAN 6]
Here's a patent leather lace-up
[SALESMAN 7]
It's a virtuoso shoe
[MANFRED]
And a simply marvelous coat made of vicuna
[JOE]
You know what you can do with your vicuna
[NORMA]
Come on Joe, you haven't even started yet
[JOE]
You wanna bet?
[NORMA]
I thought by now he'd look the height of fashion
He always takes forever making up his mind
Don't be unkind
I thought you writers knew about compa**ion
I love flannel on a man
[MANFRED]
This will complement his tan
[NORMA]
We'll take two of these and four of those
[MANFRED]
I'm still your greatest fan!
Very soon now we'll have stopped him
Looking like an also-ran
[JOE]
You're going to make me sorry that I'm staying
[NORMA]
Well, all right, I'll choose, after all, I'm paying!
[MANFRED]
Evening clothes?
[NORMA]
I want to see your most deluxe
[JOE]
Won't wear a tux
[NORMA]
Of course not, dear, tuxedos are for waiters
[MANFRED]
What we need are tails, a white tie and top hat
[JOE]
I can't wear that
[NORMA]
Joe, second-rate clothes are for second-raters
[JOE, spoken]
Norma, please...
[NORMA]
Shut up, I'm rich
Now some platinum blonde b**h
I own so many apartments
I've forgotten which is which
[JOE]
I don't have to go to premieres
I'm never on display
You seem to forget that I'm a writer
Who cares what you wear when you're a writer?
[NORMA]
I care, Joe, and please don't be so mean to me
[JOE]
O.K., all right
[NORMA, spoken]
You can't come to my New Year's Eve party in that filling-station shirt
[JOE, spoken]
I've been invited somewhere else on New Year's Eve
[NORMA, spoken]
Where?
[JOE, spoken]
Artie Green. He's an old friend of mine
[NORMA]
I can't do without you, Joe, I need you
I've sent out every single invitation
[JOE]
All right, Norma, I give in
[NORMA]
Of course you do
And when they've dressed you
You'll cause a sensation
[SALESMEN]
We equip the chosen few of Movieland
[MANFRED]
The latest cut
[SALESMEN]
We dress every movie star and crooner
From their shiny toecaps to their hatband
[MANFRED]
Conceal your gut
You won't regret selecting the vicuna
[SALESMEN]
If you need a hand to shake
If there's a girl you want to make
If there's a soul you're out to capture
Or a heart you want to break
If you want the world to love you
[MANFRED]
You'll have to learn to take
[SALESMEN]
And gracefully accept the role you're playing
[MANFRED]
You will earn every cent the lady's paying
[SALESMEN]
So why not have it all?
[MANFRED]
Now that didn't hurt, did it?
[SALESMEN]
The lady's paying!