EXT BASEBALL COURT
The intro: 11:45 AM. On a Tuesday. Philadelphia, PA.
Mac and Dennis are playing basketball
DENNIS: No, dude. It's not It's not a question of individual style. It's about having some taste.
MAC: You're attacking my ability to express myself, dude.
DENNIS: How am I attacking your ability to... I just don't get it.
MAC: (points at his shirt) What's not to get? "Come to Philly for the crack." It has a picture of the Liberty Bell on it. It's funny and original.
DENNIS: Yeah, but... It's not fun... How is it funny and original? Every a**hole on South Street's wearing a T-shirt with an ironic slogan on it.
MAC: Well, excuse me if all my T-shirts don't have a little guy playing polo on the lapel.
DENNIS: You cut the sleeves off of all your T-shirts. What, so you can show off your tats? Those are really original, dude.
MAC: They're tribal.
DENNIS: Oh, they're trib... I'm sorry. What tribe are you from? - What? Is it, like, an Indian tribe or
Charlie walks up to 'em
CHARLIE: Okay, okay, okay. You guys gonna let me in this game or what?
DENNIS: No. You're the ref.
CHARLIE: I don't want to ref anymore. I'd like to play, so
MAC: You're an excellent ref.
DENNIS: You're a very good ref.
CHARLIE: Yeah, I know. I'm a great ref. And I'd like to play the game now.
DENNIS: Are you gonna get mad? You gonna turn into the mad munchkin?
CHARLIE: What's the ma...
MAC: Do you represent the Lollipop Guild, Charlie?
DENNIS: Do you?
They all start doing the 'munchkin dance'
WOMAN: Hey, Charlie.
CHARLIE: That's a mad munchkin dance? Oh, okay. This is what we do?
WOMAN: I need to talk to you. It's about our son!
They all stop!
DENNIS: Nobody wants to hear that.
OPENING SEQUENCE
INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY
DENNIS: So, wait, she's sayin' this is your son?
MAC: I don't know. Sounds like a bunch of bullsh** to me, Charlie.
CHARLIE: I know! I know it. There's, like, no way that this is possible.
DEE: Well, did you have s** with her?
CHARLIE: Yeah.
DEE: Okay. Did you use birth control?
MAC: Oh, Dee, we went to Catholic school, so - (shakes his head)
DEE: Okay. You're allowed to have premarital s**, but you're not allowed to use birth control?
CHARLIE: No. All right. You're twisting words here and, like, gettin' cute.
DENNIS: When did she have this kid?
CHARLIE: It's been, like, 10 years since I've even seen her, so
DENNIS: Ten years?
DEE: What does she want?
CHARLIE: Well, that's that's the weird thing. She doesn't want money or anything. She just wants me to meet him.
DEE: Are you gonna do it?
CHARLIE: No.
DENNIS: Well, dude, you gotta meet the kid. I mean, you gotta find out for sure.
CHARLIE: Yeah, I guess. It's just I mean, I wish I could go back in time and do the right thing, you know?
DEE: Like be there for him?
CHARLIE: No. Get her an abortion.
DEE: So you're not allowed to use birth control, but abortions are no problem?
CHARLIE: All right. Okay. So now you're, like, a word genius. And everything I say, you twist it around and make me look dumb.
DENNIS: Charlie's right though. He should have at least had a say in the matter.
DEE: It's her body, and it's her decision.
DENNIS: No, I'm sorry. It's not just her decision. The man should get a vote.
DEE: Okay. Well, ultimately it's her choice.
DENNIS: It is not just her choice.
MAC: It's nobody's choice. It should be left up to God.
They all look in disbelief to Mac
DEE: Is he? Is that? Are you joking?
MAC: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis, Book Two, Verse Three? "And he breathed into the nostrils of Adam on the first day. And it was good."
DEE: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
DENNIS: (to Mac) You're making an a**hole out of yourself. (to Charlie) Dude, you need to get a blood test, okay? I remember Stacy Corvelli. She was a s*ut.
CHARLIE: You're right. You're right. Uh, Mac, what's God's stance on blood tests? Hmm.
MAC: I don't know. I'd have to check.
EXT. STACY CORVELLI'S HOUSE
Charlie and Dennis walk up to her house, Dennis rings the doorbell
DENNIS: All right, you feeling good?
CHARLIE: No. I feel nauseous. I think I'm gonna go. I'm gonna run.
DENNIS: No, no, no. It's
CHARLIE: I should go.
Stacy open the door
STACY: Hey. Hey, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Hi.
DENNIS: Hey.
STACY: You brought your, uh
DENNIS: Uh, Dennis Reynolds. We didn't get a chance to talk before, but I remember you. Yeah.
STACY: You went to St. Giles?
DENNIS: I did. Yeah. With (points to Charlie) Yeah.
STACY: So you two are together now, or
BOTH: No. No. No.
DENNIS: I'm just here for moral support.
CHARLIE: Yeah, we're not That's not even a - I brought him along.
STACY: So - All right. Come on in.
They enter
Stacy sits down and puts on shoes
STACY: I'm real glad you decided to do this, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Yeah. Well, uh, you know, it's the least I could do, so Yeah.
STACY: Sorry I don't have a lot of time. I gotta get to work. Uh, Tommy, come on in here, Son!
TOMMY: (screaming from his room) What do you want, Mom?
STACY: He's a bit of a handful. Uh, Charlie and his friend are here.
TOMMY: So goddamn what?
STACY: Tommy, come in here, please!
Tommy walks into the living room, kicks a nearby ball - right into Charlie's stomach
TOMMY: This is bullsh**.
DENNIS & CHARLIE: Whoa!
STACY: Language, please.
TOMMY: Which one of you f*gs is supposed to be my dad?
CHARLIE: Whoa, hello. - Right off the bat with the -.
STACY: Tommy, be nice. Huh? This is Charlie.
TOMMY: Are you serious? This is the guy?
CHARLIE: What's that... What's that supposed to mean, buddy? Okay.
STACY: Well, I should be home around 8:00. Uh, what do you guys have planned?
CHARLIE: Uh, I thought we'd go to the park.
STACY: Huh. That sounds nice. Wanna go to the park, Tommy?
TOMMY: I don't care.
STACY: Okay. That's great. Bye, sweetie. Have fun, boys.
She pets Tommy on his head and leaves the house
TOMMY: I'm not goin' to the park.
DENNIS: No sh**.
INT. PUBLIC HEALTH CENTER - DAY
Charlie is filling in a form, standing by a counter
TOMMY: What is this place?
CHARLIE: Uh, this is a place where we're gonna go see a special friend of mine.
TOMMY: Why?
CHARLIE 'Cause he's gonna help us figure something very important out. It's gonna be good to know.
TOMMY: Why?
CHARLIE: Because I said so. No more questions, okay, buddy?
TOMMY: Why?
CHARLIE: Stop saying "why.
TOMMY: Why?
CHARLIE: Stop it.
TOMMY: Why?
CHARLIE: I don't like this game.
TOMMY: Why?
CHARLIE: Is this a game?
TOMMY: Why?
CHARLIE: This is your game?
TOMMY: Why?
Cut to Dennis, sitting in the waiting room
WOMAN: Hey, pretty boy. What you here for?
DENNIS: My friend's gettin' a blood test.
WOMAN: Your boyfriend?
DENNIS: No. He's not my... He's not my boyfriend.
WOMAN: He got AlDS?
DENNIS: I don't I don't think so.
WOMAN: Do you?
DENNIS: No, I don't.
WOMAN: I'll blow you for $10.
She blows a kiss to him
DENNIS: You know what? Let me consult some of this free literature they got here regarding that proposition. (takes a folder) Oh. You know what? According to this, that's not really a good idea. So I'm gonna have to pa**. But thanks. I appreciate it. Really nice of you.
Tommy and Charlie sit down next to him
CHARLIE: He's playin' mind games, dude.
TOMMY: I wanna leave.
CHARLIE: Hey, it's tough.
TOMMY: What are we doin' here?
CHARLIE: Don't answer that. It's a trick question. He tries to get in your head. It's a little game he plays.
DENNIS: No, let let me answer the question. See, we're at a free clinic, Tommy. Charlie doesn't have health insurance. See this lady back here? (points to the woman he just talked with) Take a look. That's what you get when you don't have health insurance.
TOMMY: I wanna go to the mall!
CHARLIE: Keep your voice down.
TOMMY: I wanna go to the mall!
CHARLIE: Keep your voice
TOMMY: I wanna go to the mall!
CHARLIE: Stop yelling
TOMMY: I wanna go to the
CHARLIE: (shuts Tommy's mouth with his hand) Stop your yelling.
We need to Ow! He's biting my hand! He's biting my hand! - Come on. Let's go.
DENNIS: Let's go.
They leave
Cut to Sacred Right Office, where a lady sits at a desk answering phones
EMPLOYEE: (answers phone) Sacred Right. It's a child, not a choice. Mm-hmm. All righty. I'll make sure he gets the message. Thank you.
Mac walked in
MAC: Hi.
EMPLOYEE: Hi.
MAC: So I was having an argument with some friends the other day.
EMPLOYEE: Uh-huh.
MAC: And I was wondering if you could help me out with some information.
EMPLOYEE: Are you interested in joining our cause?
MAC: No. No. Actually, just looking for some info on the Bible, Jesus, that kind of thing.
EMPLOYEE: Well, if you join our mailing list, the reverend
MAC: Okay, listen to me. I don't really wanna join your little freak show. Just looking for some information. So if you could point me in the right direction, that'd be great.
EMPLOYEE: Well, we have some literature
MAC: Great. Thank you. Thanks.
EMPLOYEE: On the display back by the water cooler.
Mac walks to the flyer stand, spots a hot chick behind one of the desks
MAC: Oh, mama.
He walks to her office
MAC: Hey, there.
MEGAN: Hi.
MAC: Hey.
MEGAN: Oh, are you here to sign up for the rally?
MAC: Yes, I am.
MEGAN: Great.
MAC: Yeah, real excited about the rally.
MEGAN: We're gonna kick a** this time.
MAC: Well, I'm ready to kick somebody's a**, I'll tell you what. I hate those ba*tards.
MEGAN: Wow! That's - Uh, hate's a very strong word.
MAC: Yeah. Yeah, well, let me tell you something, (looks at name sign) Megan. I hate dead baby fetuses, you know? I hate them because they're dead, and they shouldn't be. They should be alive, and they should be loved.
MEGAN: Oh! Wow! You just You seem really pa**ionate.
MAC: Yeah. More than you know.
INT. PADDY'S PUB
Tommy is 'playing' with the Foosball table. Dennis, Dee and Charlie are at the bar
DEE: Nice kid, Charlie.
CHARLIE: What the hell do you think is wrong with that kid?
DENNIS: You've gotta get that blood test, dude.
TOMMY: (smacking the table with a pool cue) Die! Die! Die!
CHARLIE: No! Hey! Whoa, Tommy! No! No! No! No! (Fighting with Tommy) Give me the stick! Give me the stick!
TOMMY: Come on! This place s**s! I wanna go to the mall!
CHARLIE: We can't go to the mall, all right?
TOMMY: Shut up! I'm the boss of you!
CHARLIE: You're not the boss of me!
TOMMY: I am the boss! I wanna go to the mall!
CHARLIE: I'll show you who's the boss of who.
TOMMY: Let's go to the mall!
CHARLIE: You wanna go to the mall?
TOMMY: I wanna go to the mall!
CHARLIE: You could ask nice. Dennis, let's go. We're goin' to the mall.
DENNIS: I'm not spending any more time with that kid.
CHARLIE: Come on, dude! Fine. Great. Dee Dee, will you just Can we go to the mall? Will you drive me?
DEE: I guess, if Dennis watches the bar.
DENNIS: That's fine.
CHARLIE: Great. Fine. Thank you.
Tommy knocks Charlie down with the Pool cue
Cut to the mall, on the escalator
TOMMY: You're ugly.
CHARLIE: You're ugly.
TOMMY: You're ugly!
CHARLIE: You are the one that's ugly!
DEE: Charlie! Jesus Christ! Are you almost 30? Are you almost 30 years old?
CHARLIE: Yes!
TOMMY: You have to buy me a toy!
CHARLIE: I don't have to buy you sh**.
TOMMY: If you don't buy me anything I'm gonna tell my mom you took me to a black people's house.
DEE: Okay.
CHARLIE: Wow! Oh, my God, that's racist. What do you say to that?
DEE: I don't say anything.
TOMMY: You still have to buy me a toy!
Cut to a toy store
DEE: Charlie, what in the hell are you gonna do if this kid's yours?
CHARLIE: Oh, I don't know. I'll probably, uh, k** myself.
DEE: Whoa! Isn't that your waitress from the coffee shop? Cool.
The waitress stands with a girl before a rack with dolls
WAITRESS: Oh, Stewie.
CHARLIE Oh, my God.
DEE: Go talk to her.
CHARLIE: What? No.
DEE Come on. Go talk to her.
CHARLIE: No, dude.
DEE: You've been in love with this girl forever.
CHARLIE: I know that. You know what? Come with me and pretend you're my girlfriend. It'll make her jealous.
DEE: No. I won't do that.
CHARLIE: Come on. It's gonna work.
DEE: No. No, it's not.
CHARLIE: All right. Come stand next to me then.
DEE: Why?
CHARLIE: So she doesn't think I'm creepy.
DEE: Well, you are creepy.
CHARLIE: I realize this. That's why I need you.
DEE: All right. Let's go.
CHARLIE: Thank you.
DEE: Stop sweating.
They walk to the waitress
WAITRESS: Then we can grab him if you like him, okay?
CHARLIE: Hey. Fancy seeing you here.
WAITRESS: Oh. Hello, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Buying toys, are you?
WAITRESS: Yeah.
CHARLIE: Cool. This is my, uh
DEE: Friend. We're good friends.
WAITRESS: Hi.
DEE: Hi.
CHARLIE: Is that cute little girl your...
WAITRESS: I'm her big sister.
CHARLIE: Oh. Hmm, that's weird. She looks Mexican.
WAITRESS: She is Mexican. It's the Big Sister program. She's not my real little sister.
DEE: That is such a coincidence. That's exactly what we're here doing.
WAITRESS: What?
DEE: Yeah. Do you see that, um adorable little guy over there? (Cut to Tommy and back) That's Charlie's little brother.
WAITRESS: Really?
CHARLIE: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
WAITRESS: No way. You're involved in the program? Yeah! Well, that's I didn't know you were involved in the program.
CHARLIE: Oh my god! I love the program! Yeah
DEE: It's one of his favorite programs.
CHARLIE: I've I've been in the program since
DEE: A long time now.
WAITRESS: I guess you're gonna be going to the picnic then at Fairmount Park. Right. Saturday?
DEE: Saturday.
CHARLIE Yeah. Are you there? Are you goin'? Are you gonna be there?
WAITRESS: I will be there on Saturday, yes.
CHARLIE: Great.
WAITRESS: Maybe we'll see you there.
CHARLIE: Maybe. Or you know what? Or maybe we could carpool. You know what I mean? Well, come on. Think about it. We'll save the environment. We'll team up. It'll be good.
DEE: This is smart. Reduce, reuse, recycle. You should do it.
CHARLIE: The kids will love it. The kids... He loves Mexicans.
WAITRESS: All right. Sure. Let's do it.
CHARLIE: Oh! Okay. Yeah. Great.
WAITRESS: Great.
WAITRESS: Okay, well - Nice to meet you too. I'll see you. - I gotta go get my little sister. Okay, bye.
DEE: Bye.
CHARLIE: (Tries to huf Dee) Thank you.
DEE: You're still pretty sweaty.
EXT. THE RALLY - DAY
Mac and Megan are protesting
MAC: Baby k**er! Baby k**er! Baby k**er! You ba*tards are gonna burn in hell!
MEGAN: Abortion is murder! It's a child, not a choice!
MAC: Pro-choice is pro-d**h!
MEGAN: Wow! Great rhetoric.
MAC: Thank you.
MEGAN: Hey, you're really hard-core, aren't you?
MAC: Oh, well, you know. I mean, if you really wanna see hard-core (gives her a piece of paper)
MEGAN: What's this?
MAC: That's the list of doctors I'm gonna k**.
MEGAN: There's two already crossed out.
MAC: Yeah, I know.
Cut to both of them in a car, getting undressed
EXT. STACY CORVELLI'S HOUSE - DAY
STACY: So you really had a good time, huh?
CHARLIE: Yeah. We had a blast.
STACY: Hmm. He didn't give you any problems?
CHARLIE: No. Not a single problem. Uh, listen, I was thinking maybe I could take him out this Saturday?
STACY: Really?
CHARLIE: Yeah, sure. I'd pick him up at, like, 8:00? You know, do the father-son thing. Are you all right? Is that gonna be okay? Because I could really use use him.
STACY: Goddamn it! (stands up) I'm sorry.
CHARLIE: Is everything all right?
STACY: I can't do this! Tommy's not your son.
CHARLIE: What?
STACY: Remember Jimmy Doyle from high school? That son of a b**h is Tommy's real father. He left me six months ago. You know what a nightmare it's been since he left? I can't raise Tommy alone.
CHARLIE: I don't care. I don't care! You thought you'd just pawn your son off on me?
STACY: What else? I thought I could find him a better role model than that piece of sh**!
CHARLIE: Stop talking! Wait. Let me think. God! All right.
So can I still take him out on Saturday?
STACY: Yeah.
CHARLIE: Great.
Cut to the bar
Dennis and Dee are standing at the bar, talking bout slicing lemons.
DENNIS: That's pretty thin. That might be too thin.
Mac walks in
MAC: Hey-oh!
DEE: Hey, Mac. Where you been?
MAC: Oh, I don't know. Saving humanity.
DENNIS: Are you still on this kick, dude?
MAC: Yeah, you know, Den I was thinking what you were saying the other day about the T-shirts with the stupid slogans on them. And I was wondering what you think about this? (shows a shirt with "DEATH TO BABYKILLERS") Huh, b**h? Yeah! Is that stupid enough for you? You're not seriously wearing that, are you? You look ridiculous.
MAC: Whatever, dude.
DEE: You know, that's the problem with you antiabortionists. You cry about the sanctity of life, and then you wear a shirt like that.
MAC: I'm not listening to you.
DEE: Aren't you right-wingers all about the d**h penalty too? - Does that not involve k**ing somebody?
MAC: Right, right, right. And you liberals are against k**ing murderers. But you're for k**ing innocent babies. That's interesting.
DEE: Yeah. We like to k** babies.
DENNIS: You guys are taking this way too seriously.
MAC: Den, you don't understand the week I've been having. I met a girl at one of these organizations who is a freak. She is the dirtiest chick I've met in my life.
DENNIS: Seriously?
MAC: Yeah. You gotta come with me to one of these rallies. They're having another one on Saturday. These chicks are everywhere.
DENNIS: I can jump on board with that.
DEE: Yeah! Are you actually gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?
DENNIS: I don't really have any convictions.
DEE: Where is this rally being held?
MAC: Uh, Planned Parenthood, Bryn Mawr Medical Center.
DEE: Well, I'm gonna go. At least one pro-choice voice is gonna be heard.
MAC: One? There was, like, tons of those chicks at the last one.
DENNIS: Which side had more?
DEE: Oh, which one do you think? The one that cares about protecting women's bodies or the one that's run by the religious right?
DENNIS: Probably the side you're goin' to. I'm gonna fight for the right to choose.
DEE: You're a scumbag, Dennis.
INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY
Charlie and Tommy walk to the pub
CHARLIE: Today's a big day for me, Tommy.
TOMMY: Why?
CHARLIE: Well, today is probably the best chance I'm ever gonna have of hooking up with this girl. So, uh, look at me for a second, pal. Okay, do me a favor.
If you're good today, I'm gonna buy you anything that you want, anything in the world, all right? (Tommy spits in Charlie's face) Oh, my God! I will smash your face into a into a jelly! (Charlie struggles with the lock) Wrong key.
Cut to the abortion center
CROWD: Keep abortion legal! Keep abortion legal! Stop abortion now! Stop abortion now!
Dennis and Dee arrive
DENNIS: This is crazy.
DEE: Yeah, weird. People actually care about women's bodies. You believe that?
DENNIS: Yeah. I think Mac picked the wrong side. There's, like, no dudes here.
DEE: Gross.
DENNIS: You know what? Uh, give me a second here.
He walks to a girl
DENNIS: Hi.
GIRL: Hi.
DENNIS: I like your look.
GIRL: Excuse me?
DENNNIS: I like the whole hippie thing. It really works for you.
GIRL: Get lost, breeder.
DENNIS: Oh, okay. Yeah. Mmm.
Cut to Mac and Megan, painting a sign
MAC: I love the smell of protest in the morning.
MEGAN: What?
MAC: I was quoting that movie, you know, Apocalypse Now. "Napalm in the morning."
MEGAN: Is that the new Mel Gibson movie?
MAC: No.
MEGAN: Did you see Pa**ion of the Christ? I saw it 12 times.
MAC: Okay.
Awkward silence
MEGAN: You know, you really shouldn't joke about the Apocalypse.
Awkward silence
GIRL WITH SHIRT: (to Protestor) So just fill these out. We'll get your information in the mail. Thanks.
DENNIS: "Keep your laws" I like your T-shirt.
GIRL WITH SHIRT: Thanks.
DENNIS: Yeah. Where do I sign?
GIRL WITH SHIRT: Right here.
DENNIS: Love T-shirts like that.
GIRL WITH SHIRT: Right.
DENNIS: So, do you come to these kind of things often, or
GIRL WITH SHIRT: Are you hitting on me at an abortion rally?
DENNIS: Yeah, I
Walks to Dee
DENNIS: You know what? I think all these chicks are gay.
DEE: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay. I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.
DENNIS: That s**s for me. (Calls Mac)
MAC: Hello.
DENNIS: Hey, Mac. It's Dennis. Uh, look, man, there's no talent over here. What's the deal over there?
MAC: Oh, yeah. We're lookin' real good over here, bro.
DENNIS: What do you think?
MAC: Hop the fence and come over.
DENNIS: All right. I'll see you in a second.
MAC: Later, gator. (hangs up) All right, Megan. I'm finished. (shows sign "What if Jesus was aborted")
MEGAN: You are a genius.
Cut to Dee and Dennis
DENNIS: Hey, Sis. I'm gonna jet.
DEE: You're leaving?
DENNIS: Uh, this side s**s. I'm gonna try my luck over there.
DEE: Are you kidding me?
DENNIS: Later, tater.
DEE: Dennis, you are such a jacka**!
DENNIS: (gets past the crowd) Excuse me. Excuse me. Yeah. Can I get by here? Thanks.
Cut to Megan and Mac
MEGAN: I just I really love that sign. I wondered that so many times.
PROSTESTER: Hey, there's a guy on the fence.
Cut to Dennis, walking to the other side. Cut back
MEGAN: Hey! Hey! They're coming after us!
MAC: No. They're not coming after us.
MEGAN: (gets eggs out of her bag) I'll show you what we do to them. How's your aim?
MAC: Pretty good. But I don't think that's such a good idea. I don't think
MEGAN: Hey, it's okay. These people deserve this.
MAC: Yeah. He looks like he deserves it. Maybe just one. (throws an egg to Dennis)
DENNIS: Oh! Ow!
MEGAN: Yeah! Come on! Get your eggs, people!
Cut to Dee and Girl with shirt, almost got hit by an egg
DEE: Oh, my God!
GIRL WITH SHIRT: Ow! - sh**!
DEE: They're throwing eggs!
GIRL WITH SHIRT: They did this last time. I came prepared. (also gets eggs)
DEE: Oh. Hey, Dennis! How's the action over there, buddy? -
DENNIS: (gets hit by all the eggs) What? What the hell are you doing?
MAC: (Also gets hit) Oh! They're coming. Now they're coming back.
MEGAN: Die!
DEE: Hey!, Hot chicks on that side, Dennis?
MEGAN: You're gonna burn in hell!
DENNIS: Stop! Stop! Stop!
MEGAN: (to Mac) Hey, guess what. I have a surprise for you.
MAC: What?
MEGAN: It's a real miracle.
MAC: What is it?
MEGAN: I'm pregnant!
MAC: What?
MEGAN: I'm pregnant!
MAC: You gotta get an abortion.
Cut to Megan running to her car, away from Mac
MAC: Megan, wait, wait, wait!
MEGAN: Stop talking to me!
MAC: Well, listen, I just think our situation is different.
MEGAN: How is our situation different?
MAC: Well, because I didn't mean to get you pregnant. It was an accident.
MEGAN: You are so pathetic.
MAC: You can't have this kid. I'm way too young, and I have a little bit of an alcohol problem
MEGAN: Save it! I'm not pregnant!
MAC: What?
MEGAN: I'm not pregnant. It was a test. I just thought for, like, one second that you might be the one. I just had to know for sure.
MAC: Wait a second! So you're not pregnant?
MEGAN: (starts her car) No.
MAC: And this was a test?
MEGAN: Yeah.
MAC: And I failed?
MEGAN: Have a nice life, a**hole.
MAC: No! Wait Wait Wait a second! Wait! Oh.
INT. PADDY'S PUB DAY
DENNIS: (enters the pub) Son of a b**h! Son of a b**h!
CHARLIE: (pouring drinks) Where the hell have you been? You said 11:30, dude!
DENNIS: I don't wanna talk about it.
CHARLIE: That waitress is picking me up any minute! I was ready to shut down the bar!
DENNIS: (points at Tommy) What is that kid doin' here?
CHARLIE: I'm taking him to the Big Brother-Big Sister thing.
DENNIS: Get him out of here, Charlie.
CHARLIE: I'm getting picked up any minute! Will you relax?
DENNIS: I told you, I don't want kids in the bar!
CHARLIE: Dude, what is up your a**?
DENNIS: (walks to Tommy) You You are out! Whoa, dude! This kid reeks of booze!
CHARLIE: (runs to them) No, no, no, no, no. Are you drunk? Don't be drunk.
TOMMY: Yeah.
DEE: How could you let this happen?
CHARLIE: I was the only one bartending! He must have been takin' sips out of people's beers.
CHARLIE: All right. Brew some coffee.
DEE: You can't give him coffee!
CHARLIE: (tries to take the beer gla** from Tommy) Let go of that! Let go of that!
DENNIS: Get him out of here, Charlie! Charlie!
They walk outside the barOkay, here we go! Fresh air! Have a seat! Sit down! Fresh air!
TOMMY: You s**!
CHARLIE: You s**, all right? Breathe it in. Fresh air now.
TOMMY: You s** and you have an ugly face!
CHARLIE: You s**! You have an ugly face, okay? You try and push people's bu*tons all the time! And you get in their head, and you drive them crazy! Maybe that's why you don't have a dad anymore!
WAITRESS: (stanging behind them, with her 'little sister') Oh, my God! What are you doing?
TOMMY: I'm drunk.
WAITRESS: He's drunk?
CHARLIE: He's not drunk.
TOMMY: I am drunk!
CHARLIE: You're not drunk.
WAITRESS: He sounds drunk.
TOMMY: I am drunk!
CHARLIE: You're not drunk! Stop saying that! He's fine. (Tommy vomits)
EXT. EAST SIDE SALOON - DAY
Charlie walks to three guys, who're drinking beer
CHARLIE: Jimmy Doyle!
JIMMY: Yeah?
CHARLIE: Charlie Kelly.
JIMMY: Yeah?
CHARLIE: From high school.
JIMMY: Oh, yeah. I didn't recognize you without all your acne.
CHARLIE: Yeah. All right, listen, I need to talk to you about your kid.
JIMMY: Why?
CHARLIE: Uh, let's see. Because your kid has serious emotional problems.
JIMMY: Why?
CHARLIE: I don't know. Maybe because you're not there as a father.
JIMMY: Why?
CHARLIE: You're kidding me? (Why) This your little game?
JIMMY: Why?
CHARLIE: This is what you're doin'? (Why) This is what you're doin' to me?
JIMMY: Why? Why?
End of Episode