Ayo whattup…you now back in the presence of the one n only grand imperial Hands Of Zeus aka the illustrious Thor Molecules aka the mighty Cocaine Biceps…otherwise known as Shampoo Bracelets the panty melter…also known
as the one n only Galaxy Knuckles or Broccoli Bundles the almighty… Yall might also kno me as ya boy Big Ghost aka Volcano Hands the inventor of slaps… Otherwise you might kno me as Phantom Raviolis or the grand immaculate Spartacus Deluxe. I kno what yall prolly thinkin…THIS ni**a DONE CAME UP…HE HOLLYWOOD…LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRAVAGANTISM B…OH MY GAWD. I feel you my n***a….I sense theres animosity n whatever whatever. I done started from the bottom n now Im here…straight up n down. I ain't ashamed bout none of that. Im gettin this cake n I'mma still be givin yall the raw uncut while I enjoy this luxurious splendor. Jus lemme flourish tho. Anyways yo….we ain't here for all that so the gawd gon cut the introductions short so we can get this sh** on n pippin.
Aight so once again we here to discuss the latest release from a dude who prolly gon need no introductions but I'mma introduce him anyways namsayin…Yall might knohim as that owl-obsessed Aaliyah stan from the great white north wit the exotic budgie tat n the wild flamboyant hand gestures that makes bout 63 questionable facial expressions per minute while hoppin around on stage in a tank top who installed a a showerhead that sprays lavender scents into the air n a stripper pole in his crib n calls hisself Champagne Papi– but yo…hol up son… I mean only in this fake a** industry can you go from bein a silver spoon swallowin j**gro witta blend of melted bu*ter n warm Ovaltine flowin thru ya bloodstream playin a paraplegic lame on a corny teen soap opera to becomin besties witta fake Blood who looks like a cross between a gremlin, a cabbage patch doll n a chupacabra n call yaself Champagne Papi n still be crazy respected by ya peers b… We talmbout a dude who done made songs so moist they could tenderize a steak if you left it in front of the speaker… Songs that could hydrate ya skin n cleanse ya pores n sh**… Songs that could make swans appear at ya doorstep… sh** that could pasteurize milk. But yall guessed it…its the AJ Soprano of rap hisself…the 2013 Chandler Bing…the Human Rollerblade…Drizzy Drake. I ain't gon lie b…I ain't what yall might call a “Drake fan” n sh**. Matter fact most yall muthaf**as be like WORD YOU A DRAKE HATER B…which ain't true. I actually appreciate a lot of what this beige muthaf**a done accomplished in his career. I mean ain't like I was a fan of ALL that sh** but there was definitely joints that I was feelin since back in the Room For Improvement/Comeback Season era namsayin. Son wasn't whylin on some all the way corny sh** back then tho. On the other hand he wasn't exactly what you might refer to as a n***a you take too seriously neither. He kept it straight lightskinned n on some boy next door type sh** n whatever. He was a “safe” n***a. He seemed like the type of dude who actually knew what the f** a backgammon board was for n sh**. Son seemed like he done got busy witta pottery wheel at least a few times in his life before…sh** like that. He seemed like a dude who would kno the difference between a dinner fork n a salad fork n might gon chuckle if he seen you usin the wrong one or some sh**…the kinda dude who had hedgehogs or some other kinda exotic rodents growin up instead of a dog nahmean. He seemed like the type of n***a who favorite hood flicks was Set It Off n Jason's Lyric. Like he might coulda been the type to somersault down a hill laughin or make a short film of a plastic bag blowin round in the wind n have his friends come thru the crib to watch it n make smores n sh** like that…the type of dude Alfonso Ribeiro would play on a tv show n sh**. After So Far Gone dropped tho…it was over b. The success of that sh** jus opened the floodgates to a world dominated by dudes who never had male role models growin up n females that insisted on puttin the fakest n corniest n***as on the planet (I mean you Tyga) on a pedestal n worshippin em like Greek gods b. After that mixtape blew that was it…like the n***a Drizzy had found his purpose in life n was on some o.d. s**er sh** for the next 4 years wit back to back stripper rescue mission anthems n audio manuals for dudes on how to excavate the least masculine traits outta they own personality. But it was a sign of the times g. DMX had fell way the f** off…M.O.P. hadnt dropped any official albums in like NINE years n sh**… Eminem was bout to use his Relapse album to prove that takin 5 years off in the rap game is like tryin to reheat a burger from last week… Dr Dre was too busy pretendin he was in the lab makin an album to actually make one…so on n so forth. The landscape in hip hop was changin namsayin… The year before that Kanye had got his heart broke into a million little tiny pieces by his fiancee n forgot how to make a rap album….so we got 808s & Heartbreaks instead. Which brings me to my point yo….If I had to pinpoint the actual origin of when exactly Drake had got bit by the radioactive bu*terfly that changed his life forever I would say it occurred the moment he heard track 8 from that album come pourin thru his Skullcandy earbuds. No one song in the history of rap music ever influenced a n***as whole career the way that Kanye's Street Lights affected ya boy Drizzy. Son must been mesmerized by that sh** cuz his entire career path from that point on basically revolved around tryin to remake that Ye joint in as many different ways possible yo. But he took it a step further than that n***a Yeezy by bein on some wild insecure sh** instead of jussa straight obnoxious douchebag genius witta broken heart. n***as always been like NAW THAT ni**a DRAKE JUS IN TOUCH WIT HIS FEMININE SIDE…HE HONEST…HE MAKE HONEST MUSIC N HE IN TOUCH WIT HIS FEMININE SIDE N HIS FEELINGS N ADMITS HE GOT FLAWS…HE HOLDIN IT DOWN FOR HONEST ni**aS THATS IN TOUCH WIT THEY FEMININE SIDES N GOT FLAWS SON. But yo…from the beginning of rap its always been muthaf**as dreamin of havin sh** that n***as round they way ain't had. Even back in the “throw ya hands in the air n wave em like ya jus dont care” days. Best believe it was more than a handful of n***as in the BX wit names like Kool Luv Ski that was rockin Jordache jeans n Pro Keds talmbout YES YES YALL IM GETTIN CRAZY DUCATS HUH HUH HUH HUH… or I GOT ALL THE FRESH GIRLIES ON THE TIP… or 1, 2, 3 IN THE PLACE TO BE ITS THE SURE SHOT PARTY ROCKIN ONE WHO GOT THE FELLAS JOCKIN… That sh** evolved over time into language that was a lot less corny n eventually n***as was jus compoundin all that sh** into phrases like fu*k b*tchES, GET MONEY. But the boy Drake put those thoughts thru his own filter n came wit some s**erfied sh**. He put the s**a n***a spin on that. He translated that sh** into f**boynese for you. He jus spoke to the inner s**a a** muthaf**a in you n told it to come on out n join the movement. He seduced the inner s**a in you n told it LOOK…DONT EEM WORRY MMKAY? I'mma MAKE ALL THIS su*kA ASS fu*kBOY sh*t HOT N YOU GON BE FREE TO ROAM THE EARTH N ALL THAT MY ni**a AAAAWWWWWWW…. Word is bond this n***a had songs where he was sayin sh** like I JUS WANNA BE SUCCESSFUL…I WANNA BE FAMOUS…I WANNA BE ABLE TO TELL ni**aS WHO AINT BELIEVE IN ME HAHA I TOLD YOU SO…. I WANNA BE ABLE TO SWOOP IN ON ANOTHER ni**a GIRL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHILE HE NOT AROUND N THROW DIRT ON HIS NAME JUS SO SHE WONT BE HAPPY WIT HIM NO MORE EVEN THO I BROKE UP WIT HER A YEAR AGO N SHE DONE MOVED ON WIT HER LIFE BUT I CANT STAND TO SEE HER HAPPY UNLESS SHE WIT ME EVEN THO I DONT WANNA BE WIT HER…n put a f**n***a spin on the whole thing. The whole Take Care album was like a Code of Hammurabi for dudes wit white iphones n females who hate rap. Take Care was a manifesto for the entire b**hmade n***a species. But I ain't wanna get into all that. Yall already kno the whole repertoire…the boy Aubrey made it cool for grown men to openly admit all the lame thoughts that go runnin thru they head when they drunk n at they emotionally vulnerable-est n made it so n***as jus started to embrace those impulses while they sober n in a good mood too. To make sh** worse you started seein more n more precum babies sproutin up all over the place like dandelions n sharin they own fairytales n fables of not havin no dignity or regard for mens fashion n sh** like that. If you a dude who was raised on soy milk you prolly thinkin why we need sh** like dignity n separate clothing sections for males n females in the first place right? Yall thinkin whats so bad bout dudes not filterin out all that ho sh** before they start sharin they honest true blue feelings on whatever whatever… Its cuz deep down we kno its some unseen forces outchea tryin to get us to stop procreatin b. And what better way to do that sh** than to turn yall n***as balls into some ovaries yo? So THE MAN been cool wit pushin all this f**boy music on yall…even tho yall be thinkin NAW I BE SEXIN TO DRIZZY MUSIC ALL THE TIME SON…but yo you ever EVER ever ever ever impregnate a female to some Drake joints bruh? Naw that sh** impossible b. Unless its some sh** like Uptown or November 18th maybe… But thats another topic yo. Ion wanna get way off track n sh**. So we gon discuss the Nothing Was The Same lp now. I'mma start out by sayin I was disappointed to see that 5 AM In Toronto ain't on the album…not even as a bonus joint or nothin…which is a damn shame cuz I really felt like that was the best verse Drizzy spit since before So Far Gone…n that beat was cold as hell too. That joint was like my favorite sh** for a minute in all honesty b. I remember thinkin damn…this n***a Aubrey might gon have some sh** on deck for us when his album drop forreal forreal. Like how the f** this the same dude who was rappin bout goin thru a chick's purse while she in the bathroom? But thats neither here nor there since it ain't make the album. Lets get into this sh** tho. 1. Tuscan Leather – Aight so this sh** starts out soundin like the music from a movie trailer for a quirky romantic comedy that got quirky white folk like Zooey Deschanel or muthaf**in somebody somebody Wilson or some sh** in it exchangin witty dialog between theyselves while tryin to save whales n drink warm soy beverages or whatever cuz I never really actually seen none of them f**in movies ever but thats jus what this sh** reminds me of. Yall might be gettin the same vibes… But then you like oh hol up…its that Whitney Houston joint from The Bodyguard playin backwards n sh**…like damn this n***a Drizzy tryin to ether hisself on track 1 or what? But nah he serious…n son ain't singin or bringin none of that “do you mind if I s** ya toes for you?” sh** he usually be bringin. Right out the gate he wanna let yall n***as kno you dealin witta whole different animal on this album. The Drake who could shoot lotion outta his wrists n spin a web ain't show up on this track. Instead we got the Drake that likes to throw out warnings for anybody who be forgettin that when he not croonin a gentle ballad he also be spittin bars…n summa them sh**s can be dope. Only thing Ion get is why anytime Drizzy bring up Lil Wayne in a song he gotta talk bout somebody catchin a body in the next line…
“Im jus as famous as my mentorBut thats still the boss…dont get sent forGet hype on tracks n jump in front of a bullet you wasn't meant forCuz you dont really wanna hear me vent moreHot temper…scary outcome…” Whatever you say b… Personally I prefer when son eases up on all the tough talk cuz its jus hard to take that sh** serious comin from a dude who wore a leotard to the VMAs last year bruh. Only time you really felt like the old Take Care Drake was tryin to pop back up on this track was when he mentioned that “even Ellen love our sh**”. Yeah… the old Drake still alive n well b. But that ain't the only shout out… Drizzy had to drop a quick Wu-Tang reference n mention that he be sippin Pora n listenin to Cappadonna… No disrespect but Ion even think people who actually kno Cappadonna personally be listenin to Cappadonna b. You whylin b.
2. Furthest Thing – Aight so apparently homie that was rappin on the last track jus tip toed out the room to let “Take Care Drake” take the wheel for a minute. This the n***a that fans his eyes when he cries spittin on this track…n what you expect him to do other than talk bout his imperfections while he simultaneously brags n takes shots at the imaginary chick he pourin his heart out to on this sh** over some somber emo type music…. But a glorious thing happens bout 3 minutes in n the beat his boy 40 hooked up switches to some sh** by the homie Jake One. Its almost like the beat jus slapped a hundred naked midgets wit valentines out the boy Drakes a** n helped him act like a man again. I still wasn't feelin all that melodramatic sh** happenin on the first 2/3 of the track tho. 3. Started From the Bottom – I remember when this sh** dropped back at the beginning of the year. Muthaf**as on twitter was talmbout EWWW THIS NEW DRAKE SONG TRASH BREHHH…so I decided maybe Id peep that namsayin. After I heard it I was like yo…no wonder his fans hate this sh**….son really stepped his masculinity up without een breakin away from his regular formula which usually starts wit him either directin all the sh** he sayin towards a chick he use to mess wit who dont fully appreciate herself or understand her own special secret powers or towards some random n***a who doubted him while mentionin all the dudes he came up wit who he be keepin warm under his wings. Next he usually name drops some cities he feel like he at home in even tho his hometown loves him… By this point he usually done said at least 5 things to make you doubt he actually got any male reproductive organs so he gotta balance it out wit some tough talk or some nasty vulgar sh** to prove he still only human n got plenty flaws but he got enough dough to make those feelings go away n how when ya girl not answerin her phone its cuz he imaginarily flyin her to some romantic spot someplace thats outta ya budget so take that bruh. My reaction to this joint was basically yo…even tho he still sayin some ho sh** this gotta be the hardest I ever heard son spit without soundin like a delusional f**in moron. Son really created a new flow on this sh** too. And the beat yo? No wonder sons most loyal hardcore diehard fans hated this sh** b…the sh** barely got any melodies or nothin. Drizzy stans wanted the n***a who could make em cry til they get the hiccups…n this started from the bottom sh** wasn't cuttin it b. His female fans hated it cuz like wtf is this sh** a rap song or sumn? 4. Wu-Tang Forever – …n heres where we switch to son steppin back into his old comfort zone. I never f**ed wit the concept of this record b. First of all…if you ain't kno already… this sh** uses the name of the second Wu album as its title…n it samples probably the hardest song on the album…n this sh** is a ballad. That sh** is like Michael Buble makin a song called Appetite For Destruction that samples Welcome To The Jungle or some sh**…n the sh** is a ballad. Word is accordin to the legendary U-God that the whole Clan jumpin on the remix too. I understand that n***as gotta make sacrifices to stay relevant or whatever…but its a reason why a lot of folks feel like the last 2 or 3 albums was wack…n its cuz they hardly ever on the same page these days b. So when Inspectah Deck tweeted out that he felt like the song was in no way a tribute to the Clan n it had no business bein called what its called n then like a hour later his boy U-God tellin a journalist that the whole Clan jumpin on the remix its hard to understand what these dudes is thinkin namsayin. Truth be told the song ain't horrible or nothin but it damn sure ain't what n***as is tryin to hear when they read this song title b. Image courtesy of Amanda Seales
5. Own It – Aight so now this n***a jus overdoin it… This is basically part 2 of ‘Wu-Tang Forever' wit the same ‘Its Yourz' sample except now he switched the “its yours” meaning from how the chick tellin him that all her good stuff belong to him to how he tellin the same broad that his heart is hers. Son I can't een listen to this sh**. Only a dude who would walk into a McDonalds n ask for a salad wit lightly steamed carrots n a venti Sprite could make a song this light in the a**. Drake actin like a n***a who jus discovered Wu Tang for the first time in his life on this sh** b… We only on track 5 n this n***a done based two whole songs round the same inspiration n shouted Cappadonna out on the intro to the album. sh** reminds me of when n***as got juxed for they luggage in Coming To America n Akeem tells Semmi “Let us dress like New Yorkers” n they come out the spot rockin the head to toe “I ♥ NY” sh**. Naw f**outtahere wit this sh**… 6. Worst Behavior – Can't decide if this sh** sound more like the unreleased worst song from Yeezus or the unreleased worst song from Magna Carter Holy Grail b. Like forreal how this sh** make the album n son left 5 AM In Toronto off bruh? This sh** sound like when your computer crash n you restart the muthaf**a n restore the previous session n you got like 3 tabs wit youtube videos open n they all start playin at the same time n sh**. n***a ain't een rap til halfway thru the song neither. Up til that point he sound more unfocused n confused than a Swizz Beats hook. sh** jus terrible b. 7. From Time (feat. Jhene Aiko) – This sh** sound kinda right yo. The very talented Jhene Aiko blessed this track wit her vocal goodness… The beat is kinda simple but provides the n***a Drizzy wit some breathin space to tell his tales n whatever. Bein that this sh** ain't directed at one of them n***as who doubted him while he was on his come up that means its gotta be directed towards some chick he use to mess wit. First verse is cool… Its like he catchin up witta past love interest n sh**. On verse 2 this n***a jus start reminiscin on every chick he ever came across in his life prior to blowin up n sh** tho. Its like chill muthaf**a. Talmbout…
“The one I needed was Courtney from Hooters on Peachtree…
I always been feelin like she was the piece to complete me
Now she engaged to be married…whats the rush on commitment?” Naw son… get that Marvins Room sh** the f** up outta here. Let Courtney from Hooters on Peachtree live her life b. Basically if you ever messed wit dude its only a matter of time before son puts ya whole sh** out there n have distraught 12 year old girls from every corner of twitter all in ya mentions talmbout U SO UGLY NE WAY I KNO Y DRAKE AINT FUK WIT U EVA AGIN BYTCH. You foul Drake.
8. Hold On We're Goin Home (feat. Majid Jordan) – Not een gon lie bruh. I f**s wit this sh** pretty heavy. Besides it jus bein a dope song his lyrics on this sh** dont air no exes dirty laundry out n he ain't flexin his newfound G or nothin like that… Of course he gotta sneak in some sh** bout how the chick in the song is a good girl BUT…….Drizzy knowin exactly who she really could be. That line in the song basically sums up how Drizzy views broads in general b… They like lost puppies to him who dont kno how to use they legs n whatever til he comes along n helps em figure out how to put one paw in front of the other n sh**. But thats minor. I always use to say Drake really needs to stick wit rappin cuz it ain't like the n***a a gifted singer or nothin like that. But he might coulda found his zone right here cuz the song works even for a dude wit limited range as a singer namsayin. Yeah its some lightweight 80s Commodores/Lionel Richie type sh** but it works. 9. Connect – This more of that “Take Care Drake” again. I ain't mad at the beat…but he doin too much on the lyrics side of things b.
“Isnt it amazin how you talk all this sh** n we still lack communication?How beautiful our kids would be girl…I dont need convincing…”
Cmon son…
“Dont talk to me like Im famous…And dont a**ume cuz I dont like a**umptions babeIm jus tryna connect…wit sumthin babe”
Really bruh bruh?
“She jus wanna run over my feelingsLike she drivin in a 18 wheeler…”
Its almost like J Cole donated this line to him n sh**…
The 3rd verse is jus the worlds most pointless story bout how he usin his uncles car for like the third time on the album to go see a girl n had to stop for gas. The n***a even gave us directions in his bars like we tryin to go see her too. This sh** ain't really got no purpose in existing yo. 10. The Language – Son brought the Versace flow back for this sh**…I ain't mad at it. The beat is kinda like some Eurythmics type sh** but it ain't terrible or nothin. I'mma never understand why this dude talks bout other n***as bein jealous of him so much tho… but Im almost startin to not notice when he doin it. Its like son…why you clingin to all this bitterness for? Let go of all the angst n sh** b… Jus enjoy ya life or whatever. You ain't gotta be so salty dawg. Son probably be goin on Facebook to look up n***as he ain't seen since elementary school who hit him too hard when they played dodgeball together in gym cla** n sh** to tag em in pictures of him standin in front of his crib wearin erry single chain…
11. 305 To My City (feat. Detail) – I get it I get it I get it I get it I get it I get it I get it I get it I get it I get it I get it I get it…. Jus shut the f** up already n***a. 12. Too Much (feat. Sampha) – This almost like the ‘Look What You've Done' of this album except he kinda pattin hisself on the back for makin it instead of thankin his loved ones n those who made his success possible nahmean. Also he kinda broken up n upset bout some muthaf**as on this sh** again n venting his heart out n whatever . I can't front on the hook n the beat tho…n truth be told Aubrey ain't exactly disrespect the track or nothin like that. He done stepped the flow up infinitely since Thank Me Later… so you gotta give the n***a credit where its due. Anyways this definitely one of the best songs on the album regardless of the feelings bein caught on it. 13. Pound Cake/Paris Morton Music 2 (feat. Jay Z) – So this the joint muthaf**as been waitin on for like 3 years n sh**. Last time these two n***as dropped a duet (Lights Out) there wasn't really no clear winner n sh**. This time its a different story tho. But before we get into all that can we jus talk bout this muthaf**in hook for a minute yo? Like its 2013 b…wit the art of DJing slowly dyin out in actual rap music…is it really necessary for n***as to have Timbaland doin this ficky ficky sh** wit his mouth? Its like 1. it ain't like they got somebody like Rahzel or a dude who really does this sh** well… I mean 2. didn't Eminem play that sh** the f** out already anyways? And 3. can't we jus keep Timbaland away from recording booths already? 4. How they gon use the most cla**ic Wu Tang hook n probably the one of the greatest hooks of all times PERIOD anyways b? But Ion wanna let all that f**ery distract me from the verses. Its no secret that Hov these days is kinda like a pale shadow of his old self n sh**. From time to time he still be gettin busy but this ain't the same Jiggaman that was tradin bars wit Biggie n holdin his own or the same n***a who use to cook up flawless verses from thin air in his head n spit em in one take 5 mins later n sh**. Either he ain't been inspired to go in like that no more or he really jus losin his touch slowly. I mean I actually appreciated the MCHG album but that sh** ain't had a lot of lyrical depth to it…like a lot of the sh** he dropped after 2009 basically. Minus a couple highlights here n there. Lets jus be honest b. I mean thats my favorite rapper but he ain't exactly hidin his blemishes too good these days. But for Drake to spit his verse n you like maaaaaan…this n***a Aubrey still salty bout his old cla**mates n sh** but his bars was kinda fire. Then Hov get on the mic n he like “cake…cake cake cake cake”… n you jus like cmon Hov. You better than this son…n you gon take shots at the Broadstreet Bully like 3 years after he dissed you? Ain't he join thru enough anyhow? I ain't mad at the verse. It was aight. sh** would be dope if it was Nelly or Flo Rida spittin or some sh**…but we jus expect more from the GOAT. To add some insult to injury the n***a Drake spits another verse on the Paris Morton sh** n lets loose wit all his frustrations wit bein seen as a lil n***a in the game still. Wonder why that is bruh? Anyways…he throws a couple rocks at the throne n vents n he out. Its a dope way to close out the album so I ain't mad at it. So thats that. I ain't touchin the bonus tracks cuz far as Im concerned that ain't got nothin to do wit the album itself. This my honest unbiased thoughts on this sh** tho…after I heard ‘Started From The Bottom' n '5 AM In Toronto' I felt like yo…guess maybe this fool Drake wanna step his whole sh** up. He had also jumped on the Versace joint n it was like aight…I see what he doin. He dropped a couple more hot verses on some other sh**. Then he had that wack a** ‘No New Friends' record which reminded me why I ain't like this n***as music in the first place. But I had the glimpses…the dude capable of better sh** than what he get be gettin credit for sometimes. Is Drizzy a salty cornball who can't get a grip on his emotions n has a hard time lettin go of exes, coulda-beens n deceased female music artists he ain't never een met n spends too much time reflectin on the hardships of his upper middle cla** childhood n tryin to lyrically ether anybody who ever knocked his juicebox over in the school lunchroom or broke his crayons? YES. Did son kinda ease up on all the moist towelette pillow talk n leave the n***a who claps his hands n jumps up n down when somebody brings a puppy into the room at home while he recorded this album? YES. Does the n***a got a funny a** habit of airin out other peoples business n dedicatin random lines in his verses to chicks he once knew (“This for shorty up on Glengrove who love when I catch my tempo”)? YES. Is this sons best album? YES. Theres a few tracks on this sh** thats jus straight garbage…but Take Care was 80% unforgivable to me bruh. Thank Me Later was aight but son was goin thru that stage where his raps was trash. So even tho he got some bullsh** songs (Own It, Worst Behavior, 305 To My City) he also made summa the best music of his career on this sh**. Not all of this sh** is for me but I won't say sh** like Furthest Thing is trash jus cuz I personally skip thru the first 2/3 of that track whenever it comes on. Im unbiased enough to see what the vision here is b. So even tho I had expected a lot more after the quality of the singles he dropped I'mma g'head n give this sh** the fairest n most unbiased n accurate rating yall gon find outchea in these internets…
I give this sh** 3.5 Zeus Slaps Outta 5