One day I'll shave every morning
There won't be a bristle to tickle your chin
And I promise I won't call you 'clumsy' or anything
I'll smile when you tell me it's funny
(I'll) bend double and join you in giggling fits
I won't snarl when you ask to lend money
And I'll stop saying you've got childbearing hips
Give you food whenever you're craving
I promise never to shout 'pig, pig, pig, pig'
Never mention the names of past girlfriends
I'm over them now, for the time being I think
Won't fake tired when your joints need a rub-down
I'll help you through all those terrible things
That I know I've always hurt you (you've said so)
But I'll not an*lyze you
And I'll never criticize you again
And I'll stand up and leave if you ask so
Put my foot in my mouth and the other one too
Just to stop me from shouting 'you're dying
If you don't put that dot cotton f*g out right now!'
Join the Bogart Fan Club tomorrow
Swear allegiance to Philip, Lawrence and mum
Speak up when I come around on Sundays
And cut out the kissing and everything
Rock rosie to sleep in the evening
And drive you wherever the hell we end up
Hold your hand when your hand needs to be held
And take everything the wrong way
When you tell me everything is okay