Do come in
Please close the door
Thank you!
Tell me what
How long has this been for?
Does it feel the same?
Is there any bleeding?
With this burning, or just internal pain?
Does it spread, to your back?
Does it, sometimes wake you from sleeping?
Are your motions black?
Are you pa**ing blood?
Is it on the paper
Or mixed in with it?
Just when did it start?
How long ago?
Tell me do you smoke?
Take any medication?
Have you ever had a stroke?
Have you had rheumatic fever?
No? Funny that!
Close your eyes!
Give me your hands!
Say ah!
I'll listen to your heart beating
Please say ninety-nine, ninety-nine, ninety-nine!
You look a bit anaemic
Now here's some questions we ask everyone:
Say your name
What's the date today?
When did World War One start?
What's the current monarch's name?
Can you take seven from a hundred?
Again! Again! Again! Again!
Now what's the address I asked you to remember?
Just sit back!
Let me lie you flat!
Tell me if I hurt you
And I'm sorry, but after that
I need to pop a gentle finger in
Uh, hum
Dry your eyes
Give me your hand, Madam!
Kindly stop with your weeping
You must understand
That we really need
To investigate you
'Cos you have got an intestinal bleed