How right you are, dear Paul
That we hear of famous people's d**hs while on vacation
Perhaps it's so their funerals are not too crowded
With their loyal fans being out of town and all
Those celebrities are pretty clever
I've heard that someone's born every 8 second
So I presume that someone dies every 8 seconds
Just to keep things even
It makes me feel shortchanged when I read the obituary page
Someone's holding back information
It also prompts me to flip through the telephone directory on sleepless nights saying over, and over, and over again -
"Yep. You're all going, every last one of you."
Wow, Heaven must be a big place
I don't know too many dead people
But folks tell me I'm young
When my grandfather died he was laid out in the Bubb funeral home
And I was secretly glad Mr. Bubb didn't change his name to something more romantic
When he went into business
I just wish it was less memorable
My high school locker partner Ned worked part-time for a mortician
Imagine dressing dead people
Straightening their ties and fluffing up their hair all so
You can afford to take a girl out to the movies on Saturday night
Well that's love
That's adolescent desperation
I would have been honored to have Ned take me to the movies
And let him buy me popcorn
Instead, I went out with a boy who died
The hardest part was knowing that his body didn't just disappear on the bed the moment he left
I think that's what keeps me off of suicide
The idea that there's something left for someone else to clean up
How rude and inconsiderate
It's a pain to take out the weekly trash, let alone figure out what to do with over a hundred pounds of flesh that's about to go bad
The even worse, in India, where there's a religious cult which believes you shouldn't desecrate any of the elements with the dead
They can't be buried, or burned, they can't be cast out to sea
So they're taken to the top of the tower of silence where they become the vulture's problem
How's that for pa**in' the buck?
No, when I go, I want to go clean
Convenient, leaving no mess
As if I vaporized while taking a shower
As if I moved to Antarctica leaving, no forwarding address