[Chris Parnell]
We're sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman
[Natalie Portman]
Hello
[Chris]
So Natalie, tell us what a day in the life of Natalie Portman is like?
[Natalie]
Do you really want to know?
[Chris]
Please, tell us
[Verse 1 - Natalie]
I don't sleep motherf**er off that 'gnac and the durban
Doin 120 gettin head while I'm swervin'
(Damn Natalie, you a crazy chick)
Yo, shut the f** up and s** my dick!
I bust in dudes' mouths like Gushers motherf**er
Pull up to NBC and smack the sh** outta Jeff Zucker
What you want Natalie? (To drink and fight!)
What you need Natalie? (To f** all night!)
Don't test me when I'm crazy off that airplane glue
Put my foot down your throat til your sh**'s in my shoe
Leave you screamin', pay for my dry-cleanin'
f** your man, it's my name that he's screamin'!
[Chris]
I'm sorry Natalie, are we to believe that you condone driving while intoxicated?
[Natalie]
I never said that I was a role model
[Chris]
But, what about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them?
[Verse 2 - Natalie]
All the kids lookin up to me can s** my dick
It's Portman motherf**er, drink til I'm sick
Slit your throat and pour nitrous down the hole
Watch you laugh and cry; while I laugh, you die
And to all the dudes, you know I'm talkin' to you
(We love you Natalie!) I wanna f** you too!
(P!) Is for Portman! (P!) It's for p**y!
I'll k** your f**in' dog for fun, so don't push me!
[Chris]
Well Natalie, I'm surprised, all this coming from a Harvard graduate?
[Natalie]
Well, there's a lot you may not know about me
[Chris]
Really, such as?
[Verse 3 - Natalie]
When I was in Harvard I smoked weed everyday
I cheated every test and snorted all the yay
I gotta def posse, you gotta a bunch of dudes
I'll sit right down on your face and take a sh**!
[Verse 4 - The Lonely Island (Andy Samberg)]
Natalie, you are a bad a** b**h (Hell yeah!)
And I'll always pay for your dry-cleanin when my sh** gets in your shoe (What!)
And as for the drug use, well I can vouch for that
My dick is scared of you, guuurlll
[Chris]
Natalie, one final question: if you could steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood who would it-
[Chair slam]
[Natalie]
No more questions
[Outro beat]
[Natalie]
What!