(alex)Slander - Lackluster lyrics

I know I'm not a star but tonight I'm feeling lucky So I figure if I rap enough somebody might f** me Wait, did I just say that out loud? Don't mind the fantasy Just s** driven infomercials leaking my reality I'm exactly what I never wanted to be A faceless undividual pushing the typical ritual Nah, that's not me I'd rather k** myself slowly to a dope beat Or blow my brains out across these looseleaf sheets Now watch me prove a point But I'm not sure what it is yet When I figure that out you'll be the first one I hit back Like "who wants to watch me dismantle my mind like a puzzle And get agitated as I attempt to reconnect the rubble And if I dig deep to the bottom of my brain I may find some truth that will help me escape To a quiet serene place away from all the people Where I can sit down and ponder on how I really feel (Chorus) Just leave a name and number after the beep I swear I'll try to hit you back when I return to reality Save me a seat because I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be Been drifting around for years trying to live off this ability And maybe she was right and I should f**ing quit Maybe he was right and nobody likes this sh** Maybe I'm a grown man who gets paid to b**h Makes me wonder why I even choose to spit Because sure I won't front It's fun dancing in the stage light But I'm not going to college just to have an unstable life Paycheck to paycheck until they check and realize The kid and wife? That was kind of a lie Ain't no family, just me and the monster in my head This time, I'm gonna bother him instead Reaching my arms through the bars of his cage And strangling the ba*tard until I know that he's dead Because I've wandered for days just trying to find my pride And hopefully somewhere along the way I might die Of dehydration or starvation The point is that I forgot that I need More than the will to live to stay alive And it s**s Well f** it, better luck next time And if not, that's my fault for not taking my advice But then again, who wants to listen to an infected reflection When the question at hand is the perplexion I don't understand Why when I stare into my own eyes do I not recognize The disguise I have devised for my own divine demise At this point in time are you still surprised to see me cry Remove your head from your a** And open up your f**ing eyes to see We all make mistakes But some are a little bit bigger than others But that's okay because they say That every decision we make makes us us I guess that's why I'm so unimportant Because I never give a f** (Chorus) And now I'm starring in his lifeless eyes I know he's mine I could feel him for years Creeping through the f**ing ceilings of my feelings and fears Amplifying all my pain Making tomorrow feel as if it was a year away Like I know I can hang on but do I want to Give me something solid I can hang on to Give me something with a face and a name That will be here tomorrow to help me cope with this pain Because I wandered for years until I found the right path I cracked all the clues and I crunched all the math I walked until my feet became bloody and scabbed And when I got to the finish line I still came in last Everyone I've talked to just doesn't seem to realize This music is the only thing between me and my self despise So I'm gonna keep avoiding suicide And making music to a beat until the day that I die (Chorus)