Harvey Schmidt - When The Kids Get Married lyrics

[MICHAEL] When the kids get married I'm gonna spend each day in bed! Chocolates in my pocket A pillow underhead! I'm gonna read just what I please Even finish "War and Peace" I wish they'd marry soon! (spoken) Agnes, would you pa** me my collected Tolstoy, please? Ah, thank you. Now if you'll just excuse me for a couple of years? [AGNES, spoken] Quite alright, dear, I have plans of my own (sung) When the kids get married I'm gonna teach myself to paint Nothing very fancy Something kind of quaint! I'm gonna paint the way we live Call it "early primitive" [BOTH] I wish they'd marry soon! [MICHAEL] When the kids get married I'm gonna play the saxophone Practice 'til I master Every golden tone Then when I've got my sax in hand I may form a little band! [BOTH] I wish they'd marry soon! [AGNES] When the kids get married I'm gonna try the violin Something nice and simple That's how I'll begin Then when I finish "Clair de Lune" I'll attack another tune! [BOTH] I wish they'd marry soon! [MICHAEL, spoken] Agnes, here's your fiddle [AGNES, spoken] And Michael, here's your sax [MICHAEL, spoken] Thank you [AGNES, spoken] I've been waiting thirty years for this (They play their instruments together, badly.) [MICHAEL] When the kids get married We're gonna play for one and all [AGNES] Maybe give recitals At Philharmonic Hall! [BOTH] We're gonna be a double bill: The oldest team in Vaudeville If they don't marry soon! [MICHAEL] I'm gonna spend a year in bed! [AGNES] I'm gonna dye my hair bright red! [MICHAEL] And I'm gonna learn to shoot some golf! [AGNES] I'm gonna take my girdle off! [MICHAEL] Play the sax [AGNES] Claire de Lune [BOTH] Take a second honeymoon I wish they'd marry soon! [AGNES, spoken] Oh, Michael