Harvey Schmidt - Nobody's Perfect lyrics

[AGNES, spoken] Michael, you've changed [MICHAEL, spoken] Well, so have you [AGNES] Well, nobody's perfect, nobody's perfect I am human, so are you [MICHAEL] Nobody's perfect, nobody's perfect Here is what we ought to plan to do Let's make a list of irritating habits That we think the other person has [AGNES] Then once we know our irritating habits We can correct then [MICHAEL] As for example: Now please don't be offended But because these things exist I have taken the little liberty Of fixing up a little list [MICHAEL, spoken] Now, you're sure you don't mind? [AGNES, spoken] Oh, I am absolutely sure [MICHAEL, spoken] Well, I think that's very bid of you [AGNES, spoken] Well, you see dear, it just so happens that I have made up a little listing too (Agnes pulls out an enormous roll of paper.) [AGNES] A pair of socks does not represent The end of the civilized world If you're out of socks, believe me when I say That there's bound to be a more effective way To get them washed than to stand in your drawers In the middle of the kitchen screaming: (spoken) "Someone has stolen my socks!" [MICHAEL] This is a piece of paper This is a column which, as you see I have placed on the piece of paper This is a list of receipts and bills What we might call household expense Which I have entered along this line Forming a business-like design Inside the column which I've prepared Upon this piece of paper This is a total of all those bills It's represents a month's expense The whole outlay in checks and cash That went for the rent and the cornbeef hash In short, the sum and net result Of all the figures inside the column which I've prepared Upon this piece of paper Now this, as you know is a statement from the bank! It must be compared with the total result Of all the figures inside the column If we are to know, in terms of cost Just how much money we've made or lost How far, in fact, we've come or gone What I'm trying to say is, honey You're overdrawn! Again! [AGNES] You chew in your sleep! [MICHAEL, spoken] Do what? [AGNES] You chew! You go like this: (Agnes makes an exaggerated chewing noise.) [MICHAEL, spoken] I don't! [AGNES] You do! [MICHAEL, spoken] I've never done that one time in my life! [AGNES] Darling, please remember I'm your wife You chew in your sleep! You do it frequently! [MICHAEL] But that's absolutely awful [AGNES] I quite agree [MICHAEL] You are always late [AGNES] You are always early [MICHAEL] We're totally dressed And ready to go I open the door But do we make it? No! It's "Where are my gloves, my gloves, my gloves?" And "where is my purse, my purse, my purse?" "Where are my keys?" "Where is my hat?" "Where is my this?" "Where is my that?" If I protest, it only makes it worse Hat and gloves; keys and purse Pain in the neck; terrible curse! And I would simply like to state That if you ask me what I hate It's the terrible, horrible Habit you have of always being late! [AGNES] Oh, when I start to tell a story An amusing anecdote I've read When I start to tell a funny, funny story I get flustered 'cause I know what lies ahead It always happens! Yes, when I start to tell a story It makes no difference where we are When I get where the joke should be You say it just ahead of me! I mean to say It drives me mad! [MICHAEL] You give me Russian dressing which I happen to detest! [AGNES] You grab the morning papers, and you take the part that's best! [MICHAEL] Every night since we've been wed You've worn cold cream into bed! Every night beneath the sheet Must you look like trick or treat? [AGNES] Nobody's perfect! [BOTH] Nobody's perfect! I am human; so are you! Nobody's perfect, nobody's perfect [MICHAEL] Now here is what we ought to plan to do: You take my list and see if you can't do a little better! [AGNES] You take mine and see if you can't notice an improvement! [BOTH] 'Cause nobody's perfect, especially [MICHAEL] Not you! [AGNES] Not you! [BOTH] Not you! Not you! Not you! Not you! Not you!