Half Man Half Biscuit - National sh**e Day lyrics

Pulling the ice axe from my leg I staggered on Spindrift stinging my remaining eye I finally managed to reach the station Only to find that the bus replacement service had broken down After wondering to myself whether it should actually be called a train replacement service I walked out onto the concourse and noticed the giant screen seemed to have been tampered with Probably by a junior employee Disgruntled commuters were being regaled with some dismal TVM Involving a tug-of-love-custody-battle Stockard Channing held sway Down in the High Street somebody careered out of Boots without due care or attention I suggest that they learn some pedestrian etiquette I.e sidle out of the store gingerly Embrace the margin Fat kids with sausage rolls Poor sods conducting polls There's a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets I try to put everything into perspective Set it against the scale of human suffering And I thought of the Mugabe government And the children of the Calcutta railways This works for a while But then I encounter Primark FM Overhead a rainbow appears In black and white sh**e Day I guess this must be National sh**e Day This surely must be National sh**e Day Don't tell me, it's National sh**e Day Float… float on Float… float on Barry… Herpes I got a letter from Stringy Bob Still on suicide watch Screws not happy Spotted a Marsh Fritillary during a**ociation Was roundly ignored What news you I felt sorry for him He'd only been locked up for public nuisance offences One of which saw him beachcombing the Dee Estuary Found a dead wading bird Took it home, parcelled it up, and sent it off to the rubber-faced irritant Phil Cool With a note inside which read: "Is this your Sanderling?" Another time saw him answering an advert in the music press "Keyboard player required: Doors, Floyd, etc. Must be committed, no time wasters" You can guess the rest I always imagined he would simply wander off some day into the hills To be found months later His carca** stripped by homeless dogs His exposed skull a perch for the quartering crow I folded away the letter and put it in my inside pocket All of a sudden I felt brushed by the wings of something dark May the Lord have mercy on Stringy Bob sh**e Day I do believe it's National sh**e Day It all points to National sh**e Day Someone's declared it National sh**e Day sh**e Day My birthday! On National sh**e Day No bogroll, it's National sh**e Day Cue drumroll, it's National sh**e Day