Half Man Half Biscuit - Albert Hammond Bootleg lyrics

Dragging my guitar round maternity ward I was in search of the umbilical chord But it was all in vain so I jumped on a train And when I reached my home the kids were on the patio Looking quite upset, so I asked them what was wrong And they said: "Beware, there's an Albert Hammond bootleg in the house in there An Albert Hammond bootleg in the house Some man who introduced himself as Stanley Rous came in And left this Albert Hammond bootleg in the house" Talking to a girl on the south coast of France She was on an 18-30 but I still took a chance But on the last night 'neath the stars of Marseilles She said that Robin Askwith was funny Oh god how I longed for a dangerous wave So I could surf myself towards an early grave I would rather talk to plankton than to dance with you I hope your plane back home's a DC10 Oh god how I longed for a dangerous wave So I could surf myself towards an early grave I would rather talk to plankton than to dance with you I hope your plane back home's a DC10 Oh-oh-oh oh-oh Oh-oh-oh oh-oh Oh-oh-oh oh-oh Oh-oh-oh oh-oh Oh-oh-oh oh-oh Oh-oh-oh oh-oh Oh-oh-oh oh-oh really Out of pure curiosity I dug up Logie Baird And I asked him what petrified forests see To make them all so scared