Gilbert And Sullivan - When You're Lying Awake lyrics

(Recitative) Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest: Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers: Love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers! (Song) When you're lying awake With a dismal headache And repose is taboo'd by anxiety I conceive you may use Any language you choose To indulge in, without impropriety; For your brain is on fire The bedclothes conspire Of usual slumber to plunder you: First your counterpane goes And uncovers your toes And your sheet slips demurely from under you; Then the blanketing tickles You feel like mixed pickles So terribly sharp is the pricking And you're hot, and you're cross And you tumble and toss Till there's nothing ‘twixt you and the ticking Then the bedclothes all creep To the ground in a heap And you pick 'em all up in a tangle; Next your pillow resigns And politely declines To remain at its usual angle! Well, you get some repose In the form of a doze With hot eyeballs and head ever aching But your slumbering teems With such horrible dreams That you'd very much better be waking; For you dream you are crossing The Channel, and tossing About in a steamer from Harwich Which is something between A large bathing machine And a very small second-cla** carriage And you're giving a treat (Penny ice and cold meat) To a party of friends and relations They're a ravenous horde And they all came on board At Sloane Square and South Kensington Stations And bound on that journey You find your attorney (Who started that morning from Devon); He's a bit undersized And you don't feel surprised When he tells you he's only eleven Well, you're driving like mad With this singular lad (By the by, the ship's now a four-wheeler) And you're playing round games And he calls you bad names When you tell him that "ties pay the dealer"; But this you can't stand So you throw up your hand And you find you're as cold as an icicle In your shirt and your socks (The black silk with gold clocks) Crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle: And he and the crew Are on bicycles too Which they've somehow or other invested in And he's telling the tars All the particulars Of a company he's interested in It's a scheme of devices To get at low prices All goods from cough mixtures to cables (Which tickled the sailors) By treating retailers As though they were all vegetables You get a good spadesman To plant a small tradesman (First take off his boots with a boot-tree) And his legs will take root And his fingers will shoot And they'll blossom and bud like a fruit-tree From the greengrocer tree You get grapes and green pea Cauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries While the pastry-cook plant Cherry brandy will grant Apple puffs, and three corners, and Banburys The shares are a penny And ever so many Are taken by Rothschild and Baring And just as a few Are allotted to you You awake with a shudder despairing You're a regular wreck With a crick in your neck And no wonder you snore For your head's on the floor And you've needles and pins From your soles to your shins And your flesh is a-creep For your left leg's asleep And you've cramp in your toes And a fly on your nose And some fluff in your lung And a feverish tongue And a thirst that's intense And a general sense That you haven't been sleeping in clover; But the darkness has pa**ed And it's daylight at last And the night has been long Ditto, ditto my song And thank goodness they're both of them over!