Garnet Rogers - A Fireside Chat lyrics

I wrote this as a joke one morning. It got a bit out of hand, as jokes tend to do, and more verses arrived, (and departed) depending on who was annoying me on any given day. After I performed it one night outside of Baltimore, a gentleman introduced me to a wonderful BBC Radio series called Old Harry's Game. It is set in Hell, and is wildly funny. Well worth looking for. See as well, C. S. Lewis' "The Screwtape letters." You might have noticed the road was real bad It's not really paved with good intentions We just flattened out some Wall Street guys And those boys with their inventions, Like Twitter and Facebook, man, you people love to talk But let me make it clear we're glad you're here. Let's you and me take a little walk… Step into the elevator, that's right There's just one bu*ton, DOWN. Takes about a million years to get there It's along way underground Meet Michael Bolton and Kenny G., They'll be playing just for you All of your favourites, like "Little Drummer Boy" Yeah, and that song from " Titanic " too. So welcome to Hell I got news for you pal, you're dead. We prepared a special place for you The coals are nice and red We've been watching you your whole life We've heard every little word you've said And I hope you're feeling rested You got some busy days ahead. Hot enough for ya? I love that joke, we use that all the time. Here's where we keep all the insurance guys With their lawyers and the mimes We got a lot of you self righteous folk singers down here We got you for a song And we've got all those religious fundamentalists Turns out they were all fundamentally wrong… Hey Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher, how you doing? Good to see ya. Here's those tickets that we promised you. Season's pa** to Mama Mia We got singalong Sound of Music down here Celine Dion sings the lead It's a rap version, I'm not kidding man. If that don't make your ears bleed. And CNN is on here all the time FOX news is 24/7 We got Glenn Beck and Anne Coulter down here They didn't want 'em up in Heaven And Rush Limbaugh teaches nude yoga Ain't that boy a sight? And we send our laundry to Mitt Romney He's trying to keep the world nice and …white. And we got al those Al Queda bombers, My god , they're all crazier than squirrels. They all got their promised 72 virgins though (none of them are girls) And Lorreena Bobbitt is our surgeon general She volunteers here at night. She takes care of all those murder/ suicide husbands and boyfriends Who never could quite seem to get the order right. So welcome to Hell. You coulda been a better guy Coulda loved your neighbour, maybe done some good. You never so much as tried. No point trying to b**h to me. I only work here son. And you seem to feel you're being punished. And you are. We're just trying to make it fun. Oh look! there goes President Sarah Palin! She's a Maverick…she's a doll. I hear she's single these days …here's her card She wants you to call. She's written over a hundred books now I'm not kidding man, it's true. They're required reading down Here by the way. Yeah, and you gotta memorize them too. Oh…look Stephen Harper in a Speedo bathing suit. That's the kind of sight you only see in Hell. Stephen, you're lowering the tone down here. That thing don't fit you very well. Spandex is a privilege, it's not a right. I thought by now you knew. And besides you know, I don't mean to get personal here But is it cold in here, or is THAT just you? Well, It's about time you met the Big Guy Got yourself settled in and such It the thing that makes him special It's the extra little personal touch It's quite literally a Fireside Chat He has it with all of you trainees. There He is ….Satan…Master of Flesh…Lord of the Abyss…the Great Destroyer… No….that's really Him He just likes to pretend he's Dick Cheney So welcome to Hell You're not gonna like it here Get your a** up on that barbeque We only serve American beer down Here You coulda lived a better life, maybe not been such a jerk But you made your bed, quit your whining Here's your banjo. Get to work