Gaius Petronius - Satyricon (Part One) lyrics

"I promis'd you an account of what befel me, and am now resolv'd to be As good as my word, being so met to our desires; not only to improve Our learning, but to be merry, and put life in our discourse with Pleasanter tales "Fabricius Vejento has already, and that wittily, handled the juggle Of religion, and withal discover'd with what impudence and ignorance Priests pretend to be inspir'd: But are not our wrangling pleaders Possest with the same frenzy? who can't it? These wounds I receiv'd in Defence of your liberty; this eye was lost in your service; lend me a Hand to hand me to my children, for my faltering hams are not able to Support me "Yet even this might pa** for tolerable, did it put young beginners in The least way to well-speaking. Whereas now, what with the inordinate Swelling of matter, and the empty ratling of words, they only gain This, That when they come to appear in publick, they think themselves In another world. And therefore I look upon the young fry of Collegiates as likely to make the most helpful blockheads, because They neither hear nor see any thing that is in use among men: But a Company of pirates with their chains on the shoar; tyrants issuing Proclamations to make children k** their fathers; the answers of Oracles in a plague-time, that three or more virgins be sacrific'd to Appease the gods; dainty fine honey-pellets of words, and everything So said and done, as if it were all spice and garnish "Those that are thus bred can no more understand, than those that live In a kitchin not stink of the grease. Give me, with your favour Leave to say, 'twas you first lost the good grace of speaking; for With light idle gingles of words to make sport ye have brought it to This, That the substance of oratory is become effeminate and sunk "Young men were not kept to this way of declaiming when Sophocles and Euripides influenc'd the age. Nor yet had any blind alley-professor Foil'd their inclinations, when Pindar and the Nine Lyricks durst not Attempt Homer's Numbers: And that I may not bring my authority from Poets, 'tis certain, neither Plato nor Demosthenes ever made it their Practice: A stile one would value, and as I may call it, a chast Oration, is not splatchy nor swoll'n, but rises with a natural beauty "This windy and irregular way of babbling came lately out of Asia into Athens; and having, like some ill planet, blasted the aspiring genius Of their youth, at once corrupted and put a period to all true Eloquence "After this, who came up to the height of Thucydides? Who reach'd the Fame of Hyperedes? Nay, there was hardly a verse of a right strain: But all, as of the same batch, di'd with their author. Painting also Made no better an end, after the boldness of the Egyptians ventur'd to Bring so great an art into a narrower compa**." At this and the like rate my self once declaim'd, when one Agamemnon Made up to us, and looking sharply on him, whom the mob with such Diligence observ'd, he would not suffer me to declaim longer in the Portico, than he had sweated in the school; "But, young man," said he "because your discourse is beyond the common apprehension, and, which Is not often seen, that you are a lover of understanding, I won't Deceive you: The masters of these schools are not to blame, who think It necessary to be mad with mad men: For unless they teach what their Scholars approve, they might, as Cicero says, keep school to Themselves: like flattering smell-feasts, who when they come to great Men's tables study nothing more than what they think may be most Agreeable to the company (as well knowing they shall never obtain what They would, unless they first spread a net for their bars) so a master Of eloquence, unless fisherman like, he bait his hook with what he Knows the fish will bite at, may wait long enough on the rock without Hopes of catching any thing "Where lies the fault then? Parents ought to be sharply reprehended Who will not have their children come on by any strict method; but in This, as in all things, are so fond of making a noise in the world; And in such haste to compa** their wishes, that they hurry them in Publick e'er they have digested what they have read, and put children E'er they are well past their s**ing-bottle, upon the good grace of Speaking, than which even themselves confess, nothing is greater: Whereas if they would suffer them to come up by degrees, that their Studies might be temper'd with grave lectures; their affections Fashion'd by the dictates of wisdom; that they might work themselves Into a mastery of words; and for a long time hear, what they're Inclined to imitate, nothing that pleas'd children, wou'd be admir'd By them. But now boys trifle in the schools, young men are laugh'd at In publick, and, which is worse than both, what every one foolishly Takes up in his youth, no one will confess in his age. But that I may Not be thought to condemn Lucilius, as written in haste, I also will Give you my thoughts in verse "Who ere wou'd with ambitious just desire To mastery in so fire an art aspire Must all extreams first diligently shun And in a settled course of vertue run Let him not fortune with stiff greatness climb Nor, courtier-like, with cringes undermine: Nor all the brother blockheads of the pot Ever persuade him to become a sot; Nor flatter poets to acquire the fame Of, I protest, a pretty gentleman But whether in the war he wou'd be great Or, in the gentler arts that rule a state; Or, else his amorous breast he wou'd improve Well to receive the youthful cares of love In his first years to poetry inclin'd Let Homer's spring bedew his fruitful mind; His manlier years to manlier studies brought Philosophy must next imply his thought Then let his boundless soul new glories fire And to the great Demosthenes aspire When round in throngs the list'ning people come T'admire what sprung in Greece so slow at home Rais'd to this height, your leisure hours engage In something just and worthy of the stage; Your choice of words from Cicero derive And in your poems you design shou'd live The joys of feasts, and terrors of a war More pleasing those, and these more frightful are When told by you, than in their acting were: And thus, enrich'd with such a golden store You're truly fit to be an orator." While I was wholly taken up with Agamemnon, I did not observe how Ascyltos had given me the slip, and as I continu'd my diligence, a Great crowd of scholars fill'd the portico, to hear, (as it appear'd Afterwards) an extemporary declamation, of I know not whom, that was Discanting on what Agamemnon had said; while therefore they ridicul'd His advice, and condemn'd the order of the whole, I took an Opportunity of getting from them, and ran in quest of Ascyltos: But The hurry I was in, with my ignorance where our inn lay, so distracted Me, that what way soever I went, I return'd by the same, till tir'd in The pursuit, and all in a sweat, I met an old herb-woman: And, "I Beseech ye, mother," quoth I, "do you know whereabouts I dwell?" Pleas'd with the simplicity of such a home-bred jest, "Why should I Not?" answer'd she; and getting on her feet went on before me: I Thought her no less than a witch: but, having led me into a bye lane She threw off her pyebal'd patch't-mantle, and "here," quoth she, "you Can't want a lodging." While I was denying I knew the house, I observ'd a company of beaux Reading the bills o'er the cells, on which was inscrib'd the name of The who*e and her price; and others of the same function naked Scuttling it here and there, as if they would not, yet would be seen: When too late I found my self in a bawdy-house, cursing the jade that Had trapan'd me thither, I cover'd my head and was just making off Through the midst of them, when in the very entry Ascyltos met me, but As tir'd as my self, and in a manner dead; you'd have sworn the same Old woman brought him. I could not forbear laughing, but having Saluted each other, I ask'd what business he had in so scandalous a Place? He wip'd his face, and "if you knew," said he, "what has Happened to me--" "As what?" quoth I He faintly reply'd "When I had rov'd the whole city without finding Where I had left the inn, the master of this house came up to me, and Kindly profer'd to be my guide; so through many a cross lane and blind Turning, having brought me to this house, he drew his weapon and prest For a closer ingagement. In this affliction the who*e of the cell Also demanded garnish-money; and he laid such hands on me, that had I Not been too strong for him, I had gone by the worst of it." While Ascyltos was telling his tale, in come the same fellow, with a Woman, none of the least agreeable, and looking upon Ascyltos Entreated him to walk in and fear nothing, for if he would not be Pa**ive he might be active: the woman on the other hand press'd me to Go in with her. We follow'd therefore, and being led among those Bills, we saw many of both s**es at work in the cells, so much every Of them seem'd to have taken a provocative Nor were we sooner discover'd than they wou'd have been at us with the Like impudence, and in a trice one of them, his coat tuck'd under his Girdle, laid hold on Ascyltos, and threw him athwart a couch: I Presently ran to help the undermost, and putting our strengths Together, we made nothing of the troublesome fool. Ascyltos went off And flying, left me expos'd to the fury; but, thanks to my strength, I Got off without hurt I had almost traverst the city round, when through the dusk I saw Gito On the beggars-bench of our inn; I made up to him, and going in, ask'd Him, what Ascyltos had got us for dinner? the boy sitting down on the Bed, began to wipe the tears that stood in his eyes; I was much Concern'd at it, and ask'd him the occasion; he was slow in his Answer, and seem'd unwilling; but mixing threats with my intreaties; "'Twas that brother or comrogue of yours," said he, "that coming ere While into our lodging, wou'd have been at me, and put hard for it When I cry'd out, he drew his sword, and 'if thou art a Lucreece,' Said he, 'thou hast met a Tarquin.'" I heard him, and shaking my fist at Ascyltos; "What saist thou," said I, "thou catamite, whose very breath is tainted?" He dissembled at first a great trembling, but presently throwing my Arms aside, in a higher voice cry'd out: "Must you be prating, thou Ribaldrous cut-throat whom, condemn'd for murdring thine host, nothing But the fall of the stage could have sav'd? You make a noise, thou Night-pad, who when at thy best hadst never to do with any woman but a Bawd? On what account, think ye, was I the same to you in the aviary That the boy here, now is!" "And who but you," interrupted I, "gave me that slip in the portico?" "Why what, my Man of Gotham," continu'd he, "must I have done, when I Was dying for hunger? Hear sentence forsooth, that is, the ratling of Broken gla**es, and the expounding of dreams? So help me Hercules, as Thou art the greater rogue of the two, who to get a meals meat wert Not asham'd to commend an insipid rhimer." When at last, having Turn'd the humour from scolding to laughing, we began to talk soberly But the late injury still sticking in my stomach, "Ascyltos," said I "I find we shall never agree together, therefore let's divide the Common stock, and each of us set up for himself: Thou'rt a piece of a Scholar, and I'll be no hindrance to thee, but think of some other Way; for otherwise we shall run into a thousand mischiefs, and become Town-talk." Ascyltos was not against it; and "Since we have promis'd," said he "as scholars, to sup together, let's husband the night too: and To-morrow I'll get me a new lodging, and some comrade or other." "'Tis irksome," said I, "to defer what we like" (the itch of the flesh Occasion'd this hasty parting, tho' I had been a long time willing to Shake off so troublesome an observer of my actions, that I might renew My old intrigue with my Gito) Ascyltos taking it as an affront, without answering, went off in a Heat: I was too well acquainted with his subtle nature, and the Violence of his love, not to fear the effects of so suddain a breach And therefore made after him, both to observe his designs and prevent Them; but losing sight of him, was a long time in pursuit to no Purpose When I had search'd the whole town, I return'd to my lodging, where The ceremony of kisses ended, I got my boy to a closer hug, and Enjoying my wishes, thought myself happy even to envy: Nor had I done When Ascyltos stole to the door, and springing the bolt, found us at Leap-frog; upon which, clapping his hands, he fell a laughing, and Turning me out of the saddle; "What," said he, "most reverend Gentleman, what were you doing, my brother sterling?" Not content With words only, but untying the thong that bound his wallet, he gave Me a warning, and with other reproaches, "As you like this, so be for Parting again." The unexpectedness of the thing made me take no notice of it, but Politickly turn it off with a laugh; for otherwise I must have been at Loggar-heads with my rival: Whereas sweetening him with a counterfeit Mirth, I brought him also to laugh for company: "And you, Encolpius," Began he, "are so wrapt in pleasures, you little consider how short Our money grows, and what we have left will turn to no account: There's nothing to be got in town this summertime, we shall have Better luck in the country; let's visit our friends." Necessity made me approve his advice, as well as conceal the smart of His lash; so loading Gito with our baggage, we left the city, and went To the house of one Lycurgus, a Roman knight; who, because Ascyltos Had formerly been his pathick, entertain'd us handsomly; and the Company, we met there, made our diversions the pleasanter: For, first There was Tryphœna, a very beautiful woman, that had come with one Lycas, the owner of a ship, and of a small seat, that lay next the Sea The delight we receiv'd in this place was more than can be exprest Tho' Lycurgus's table was thrifty enough: The first thing was every One to chuse his play-mate: The fair Tryphœna pleas'd me, and Readily inclin'd to me; but I had scarce given her the courtesie of The house, when Lycas storming to have his old amour slockt from him Accus'd me at first of under-dealing; but soon from a rival addressing Himself as a lover, he pleasantly told me, I must repair his damages And plyed me hotly: But Tryphœna having my heart, I could not lend Him an ear. The refusal set him the sharper; he follow'd me Where-ever I went, and getting into my chamber at night, when entreaty Did no good, he fell to downright violence; but I rais'd such an Outcry that I wak'd the whole house, and, by the help of Lycurgus, got Rid of him for that bout At length perceiving Lycurgus's house was not for his purpose, he Would have persuaded me to his own; but I rejecting the proffer, he Made use of Tryphœna's authority; and she the rather persuaded me To yield to him, because she was in hopes of living more at liberty There. I follow'd therefore whither my love led me; but Lycurgus Having renew'd his old concern with Ascyltos, wou'd not suffer him to Depart: At last we agreed, that he shou'd stay with Lycurgus, and we Go with Lycas: Over and beside which, it was concluded, that every of Us, as opportunity offer'd, should pilfer what he could for the common Stock Lycas was overjoy'd at my consent, and so hasten'd our departure That, taking leave of our friends, we arriv'd at his house the same Day. But in our pa**age he so order'd the matter that he sate next Me, and Tryphœna next Gito, which he purposely contriv'd to show The notorious lightness of that woman; nor was he mistaken in her, for She presently grew hot upon the boy: I was quickly jealous, and Lycas So exactly remark'd it to me, that he soon confirm'd my suspicion of Her. On this I began to be easier to him, which made him all joy, as Being a**ur'd the unworthiness of my new mistress wou'd beget my Contempt of her, and resenting her slight, I shou'd receive him with The better will So stood the matter while we were at Lycas's: Tryphœna was Desperately in love with Gito; Gito again as wholly devoted to her; I Car'd least for the sight of either of them; and Lycas studying to Please me, found me every day some new diversion: In all which also His wife Doris, a fine woman, strove to exceed him, and that so gayly That she presently thrust Tryphœna from my heart: I gave her the Wink, and she return'd her consent by as wanton a twinckle; so that This dumb rhetorick going before the tongue, secretly convey'd each Others mind I knew Lycas was jealous, which kept me tongue-ty'd so long, and the Love he bore his wife made him discover to her, his inclination to me: But the first opportunity we had of talking together, she related to Me what she had learn'd from him; and I frankly confess'd it, but Withal told her how absolutely averse I had ever been to't: "Well Then," quoth the discreet woman, "we must try our wits, according to His own opinion, the permission was one's, and the possession Another's." By this time Gito had been worn off his legs, and was gathering new Strength, when Tryphœna came back to me, but disappointed of her Expectations, her love turn'd to a downright fury; and, all on fire With following me to no purpose, got into my intrigue both with Lycas And his wife: She made no account of his gamesomeness with me, as well Knowing it wou'd hinder no grist to her mill: But for Doris, she never Left till she had found out our private amours, and gave a hint of it To Lycas; whose jealousie having got the upper hand of his love, ran All to revenge; but Doris, advertis'd by Tryphœna's woman, to Divert the storm, forbore any such meetings As soon as I perceiv'd it, having curs'd the treachery of Tryphœna And the ingratitude of Lycas, I began to make off, and fortune Favour'd me: For a ship consecrated to the Goddess Isis, laden with Rich spoils, had the day before run upon the rocks Gito and I laid our heads together, and he was as willing as my self To be gone; for Tryphœna having drawn him dry, began now not to be So fond of him. Early the next morning therefore we march'd to Sea-ward, where with the less difficulty we got on board the ship Because we were no strangers to Lycas's servants then in wait upon Her: They still honouring us with their company, it was not a time to Filch any thing; but, leaving Gito with them, I took an opportunity of Getting into the stern, where the image of Isis stood, and strip'd her Of a rich mantle, and silver taber, lifting other good booty out of The master's cabin, I stole down by a rope, unseen by any but Gito; Who also gave them the slip and sculk'd after me As soon as I saw him I shew'd him the purchase, and both of us Resolv'd to make what haste we could to Ascyltos, but Lycurgus's house Was not to be reach'd the same day: When we came to Ascyltos we shew'd Him the prize, and told him in short the manner of getting it, and how We were made a meer may-game of love: He advis'd us to prepossess Lycurgus with our case, and make him our friend ere the others could See him; and withal boldly a**ert it, that the trick Lycas would have Served them, was the only cause why they stole away so hastily; which When Lycurgus came to understand, he swore he would at all times Protect us against our enemies Our fight was unknown till Tryphœna and Doris were got out of bed; For we daily attended their levy, and waited on them while they were Dressing; but, when contrary to custom they found us missing, Lycas Tent after us, and especially to the sea-side, for he had heard we Made that way, but not a word of the pillage, for the ship lay Somewhat to sea-ward, and the master had not yet return'd on board But at last it being taken for granted we had run away, and Lycas Becoming uneasie for want of us, fell desperately foul on his wife Whom he suppos'd to be the cause of our departure: I'll take no notice Of what words and blows past between them; I know not every Particular: I'll only say, Tryphœna, the mother of mischief, had Put Lycas in the head, that it might so be, we had taken sanctuary at Lycurgus's, where she persuaded him to go in quest of the runnagates And promis'd to bear him company, that she might confound our Impudence with just reproaches The next day they accordingly set forward, and came to his house; but We were out of the way: For Lycurgus was gone to a festival in honour Of Hercules, held at a neighbouring village, and had taken us with Him, of which when the others were inform'd, they made what haste they Could to us, and met us in the portico of the temple. The sight of Them very much disordered us: Lycas eagerly complained of our flight To Lycurgus, but was received with such a bended brow, and so haughty A look, that I grew valiant upon't, and with an open throat charg'd Him with his beastly attempts upon me, as well at Lycurgus's as in his Own house; and Tryphœna endeavouring to stop my mouth, had her Share with him, for I set out her harlotry to the mob, who were got About us to hear the scolding: And as a proof of what I said, I shew'd Them poor sapless Gito, and my self also, whom that itch of the who*e Had even brought to our graves The shout of the mob put our enemies so out of countenance that they Went off heavily, but contriving a revenge; and therefore observing How we had put upon Lycurgus, they went back to expect him at his House, and set him right again. The solemnity ending later than was Expected, we could not reach Lycurgus's that night, and therefore he Brought us to a half-way house, but left us asleep next morning, and Went home to despatch some business, where he found Lycas and Tryphœna waiting for him, who so ordered the matter with him, that They brought him to secure us. Lycurgus naturally barbarous and Faithless, began to contrive which way to betray us, and sent Lycas to Get some help, whilst he secured us in the village Thither he came, ard at his first entry, treated us as Lycas had done: After which wringing his hands together, he upbraided us with the lye We had made of Lycas, and taking Ascyltos from us, lock'd us up in the Room where we were, without so much as hearing him speak in our Defence; but carrying him to his house, set a guard upon us, till Himself should return On the road Ascyltos did what he could to mollifie Lycurgus; but Neither entreaties, nor love, nor tears doing any good on him, it came Into our comerades head to set us at liberty, and being all on fire at Lycurgus's restiness, refus'd to bed with him that night, and by that Means the more easily put in execution what he had been thinking on The family was in their dead sleep when Ascyltos took our fardels on His shoulders, and getting through a breach in the wall, which he had Formerly taken notice of, came to the village by break of day, and Meeting no one to stop him, boldly enter'd it and came up to our Chamber; which the guard that was upon us, took care to secure; but The bar being of wood, he easily wrenched it with an iron crow, and Waken'd us; for we snor'd in spight of fortune Our guard had so over-watched themselves, that they were fall'n into a Dead sleep, and we only wak'd at the crack. To be short, Ascyltos Came in and briefly told us what he had done for our sakes: On this we Got up; and as we were rigging our selves, it came into my head to k** the guard, and rifle the village; I told Ascyltos my mind. He Liked the rifling well enough, but gave us a wish'd delivery without Blood, for being acquainted with every corner of the house, he pick'd The lock of an inner-room where the movables lay, and bringing us into It, we lifted what was of most value, and got off while it was yet Early in the morning; avoiding the common road, and not resting till We thought our selves out of danger Then Ascyltos having got heart again, began to amplifie the delight he Took in having pillag'd Lycurgus; of whose miserableness he, not Without cause, complain'd; for he neither paid him for his nights Service, nor kept a table that had either meat, or drink on't, being Such a sordid pinch-peny; that, notwithstanding his infinite wealth He deny'd himself the common necessaries of life Unhappy Tantalus, amidst the flood Where floating apple on the surface roll'd Ever pursu'd them with a longing eye Yet could not thurst nor hunger satisfie Such is the miser's fate; who midst his store Fearing to use, is miserably poor Ascyltos would have been for Naples the same day, had I not told him How imprudent it was to take up there, where, forasmuch as could be Conjectur'd, we were most likely to be sought after: "And therefore,'' Said I, "let's keep out of the way for the present, and, since we have Enough to keep us from want, stroul it about till the heat be over." The advice was approv'd, and we set forward for a pleasant Country-town, where we were sure to meet some of our acquaintance that Were taking the benefit of the season: But we were scarce got half Way, when a shower of rain emptying it self upon us like buckets Forc'd us into the next village; where entring the inn, we saw a great Many others that had also struck in, to avoid the storm. The throng Kept us from being taken notice of, and gave us the opportunity of Prying here and there, what we might filch in a crowd, when Ascyltos Unheeded of any one, took a purse from the ground, in which he found Several pieces of gold; we leap'd for joy at so fortunate a beginning; But fearing, lest some or other might seek after it, we slunk out at a Back-door, where we saw a groom saddling his horses; but, as having Forgotten somewhat, he run into the house leaving behind him an Embroider'd mantle, mail'd to one of the saddles: In his absence I cut The straps and under the covert of some out-sheds we made off with it To a neighbouring forest. Being more out of danger among the thickets We cast about where we should hide the gold that we might not be Either charg'd with the felony, or robb'd of it our selves: At last we Concluded to sow it in the lining of an old patcht coat which I threw Over my shoulders and entrusted the care of the mantle to Ascyltos, in Design to get to the city by cross-ways: But as we were going out we Heard somewhat on our left hand to this purpose: "They shall not Escape us; they came into the wood; let's separate ourselves and beat About, that we may the better discover and take them." This put us Into such a fright that Ascyltos and Gito fled through briars and Brambles to the city-ward; but I turn'd back again in such a hurry That without perceiving it the precious coat drop'd from my shoulders: At last being quite tir'd and not able to go any further, I laid me Down under the shelter of a tree where I first miss'd the coat: Then Grief restor'd my strength, and up I got again to try if I could Recover the treasure; I ran hither and thither and every where but to No purpose; but spent and wasted between toil and heaviness, I got Into a thicket, where having tarried four hours, and half dead with The horror of the place, I sought the way out; but going forward, a Country-man came in sight of me: Then I had need of all my confidence Nor did it fail me: I went up roundly to him, and making my moan how I Had lost my self in the wood, desir'd him tell me the was to the city: He pittying my figure (for I was as pale as d**h, and all bemir'd) Ask'd me if I had seen any one in the wood? I answer'd, not a Soul--on which he courteously brought me into the highway, where he Met two of his friends, who told him, they had travers'd the wood Thro' and thro' but had light upon nothing but a coat, which they Shew'd him It may easily be believed I had not the courage to challenge it, tho' I knew well enough what the value of it was: This struck me more than All the rest; however, bewailing my treasure, the country-man not Heeding me, and feebleness growing upon me, I slacken'd my pace, and Jogg'd on slower than ordinarily It was longer e're I reach'd the city than I thought of; but coming to The inn, I found Ascyltos half dead, and stretcht on a straw pallet And fell on another my self, not able to utter a word: He missing the Coat was in a great disorder, and hastily demanded of me, what was Become of it: I on the other hand, scarce able to draw my breath Resolv'd him by my languishing eyes, what my tongue would not give me Leave to speak: At length recovering by little and little, I plainly Told him the ill luck I had met with: But he thought I jested, and Tho' the tears in my eyes might have been as full evidence to him as An oath, he yet questioned the truth of what I said, and would not Believe but I had a mind to cheat him. During this, Gito stood as Troubled as my self, and the boy's sadness increased mine: But the Fresh suit that was after us, distracted me most. I opened the whole To Ascyltos who seem'd little concern'd at it, as having luckily got Off for the present, and withal a**ur'd himself, that we were past Danger, in that we were neither known, nor seen by any one: However It was thought fit to pretend a sickness, that we might have the Better pretext to keep where we were: But our monies falling shorter Than we thought of, and necessity enforcing us, we found it high time To sell some of our pillage It was almost dark, when going into the brokers market, we saw Abundance of things to be bought and sold: of no extraordinary value 'tis true; yet such whose night-walking trade, the dusk of the evening Might easily conceal. We also had the mantle with us, and taking the Opportunity of a blind corner, fell a shaking the skirt of it, to try If so glittering a shew would bring us a purchaser; nor had we been Long there, e're a certain country-man, whom I thought I had seen Before, came up to us with a hussye that follow'd him, and began to Consider the mantle more narrowly, as on rhe other side did Ascyltos Our country chapman's shoulders, which presently startled him, and Struck him dumb, nor could my self behold 'em without being concern'd At it, for he seemed to me to be the same fellow that had found the Coat in the wood, as in truth he was: But Ascyltos doubting whether he Might trust his eyes or not, and that he might not do any thing Rashly, first came nearer to him as a buyer, and taking the coat from His shoulders, began to cheapen, and turn it more carefully. O the Wonderful vagaries of fortune! for the country-man had not so much as Examined a seam of it, but carelessly exposed it as beggars-booty Ascyltos seeing the coat unript, and the person of the seller Contemptible, took me aside from the crowd: And "Don't you see Brother," said he, "the treasure I made such moan about is returned? That's the coat with the gold in't, all safe and untoucht: What Therefore do we do, or what course shall we take to get our own Again?" I now comforted, not so much that I had seen the booty, but had Clear'd my self of the suspicion that lay upon me, was by no means for Going about the bush, but down-right bringing an action against him That if the fellow would not give up the coat to the right owner, we Might recover it by law: Laws bear the name, but money has the power; The cause is bad when e'er the client's poor: Those strickt liv'd men that seem above our world Are oft too modest to resist our gold So judgment, like our other wares, is sold; And the grave knight that nods upon the laws Wak'd by a fee, hems, and approves the cause Ascyltos on the other side afraid of the law, "Who," said he, "knows Us in this place, or will give any credit to what we say? I am clear For buying it, tho' we know it to be our own, and rather recover the Treasure with a little money, than embroil our selves in an uncertain Suit"; but we had not above a couple of groats ready money, and that We design'd should buy us somewhat to eat. Least therefore the coat Should be gone in the mean time, we agreed, rather than fail, to sell The mantle at a lower price, that the advantage we got by the one Might make what we lost by the other more easie As soon therefore as we had spread open the mantle, the woman that Stood muffled by the country-man, having pryingly taken notice of some Tokens about it, forceably laid both hands on't, and setting up her Throat, cryed out, "Thieves, thieves!" We on the t'other part being disordered at it, lest yet he might seem To do nothing, got hold of the totter'd coat, and as spitefully Roar'd, they had robb'd us of it: But our case was in no wise like Theirs, and the rabble that came in to the out-cry, ridicul'd, as they Were won't, the weaker side, in that the others laid claim to so rich a Mantle, and we to a ragged coat, scarce worth a good patch. At this Ascyltos could hardly keep his countenance; but the noise being over We see, said he, how every one likes his own best, give us our coat And let them take the mantle The country-man and the woman lik'd the exchange well enough, but a Sort of petty-foggers, most of whose business was such night practice Having a mind to get the mantle themselves, as importunately required That both mantle and coat should be left in their hands, and the judge Would hear their complaints on the morrow: For it was not the things Alone that seem'd to be in dispute, but quite another matter to be Enquir'd into, to wit, a strong suspicion of robbery on both sides At last it was agreed to put both into some indifferent hand, till the Right were determin'd; when presently one, I know not who, with a bald Pate, and a face full of pimples, he had been formerly a kind of Solicitor, steps out of the rout, and laying hold on the mantle, said He'd be security it should be forth-coming the next day: when in truth He intended nothing more, but that having gotten it into hucksters Hands, it might be smugled among them, as believing we would never Come to own it, for fear of being taken up for it; for our part we Were as willing as he; and an accident befriended both of us: For the Country-man thinking scorn of it, that we demanded to have the patcht Coat given us, threw it at Ascyltos's head, and discharging us of Everything but the mantle, required that to be secur'd as the only Cause of the dispute. Having therefore recovered, as we thought, our Treasure, we made all the haste we could to the inn, and having shut The door upon us, made our selves merry, as well with the Judgment of The rabble as of our detractors, who with so much circumspection had Restor'd us our money While we were ripping the coat and taking out the gold, we overheard Somebody asking mine host, what kind of people those were that had Just now come in, and being startled at it, I went down to see what Was the matter, and understood that a city serjeant, who according to The duty of his office, took an account of all strangers, and had seen A couple come into the inn, whose names he had not yet registered, and Therefore, inquired of what country they were, and what way of living They had But mine host gave me such a blind account of it, that I began to Suspect we were not safe there; whereupon for fear of being taken up We thought fit to go off for the present, and not come back again till It was in the night, but leave the care of our supper to Gito We had resolv'd to keep out of the broad streets, and accordingly took Our walk thro' that quarter of the city where we were likely to meet Least company; when in a narrow winding lane that had not pa**age Thro', we saw somewhat before us, two comely matron-like women, and Followed them at a distance to a chappel, which they entred, whence we Heard an odd humming kind of noise, as if it came from the hollow of a Cave: Curiosity also made us go in after them, where we saw a number Of women, as mad as they had been sacrificing to Bacchus, and each of Them an amulet (the ensign of Priapus) in her hand. More than that we Could not get to see; for they no sooner perceived us, than they set Up such a shout, that the roof of the temple shook agen, and withal Endeavoured to lay hands on us; but we scamper'd and made what haste We could to the inn Nor had we sooner stuff'd our selves with the supper Gito had got for Us, when a more than ordinary bounce at the door, put us into another Fright; and when we, pale as d**h, ask'd who was there, 'twas Answer'd, "Open the door and you'll see:" While we were yet talking The bolt drop'd off, and the door flew open, on which, a woman with Her head muffl'd came in upon us, but the same who a little before had Stood by the country-man in the market: "And what," said she, "do you Think to put a trick upon me? I am Quartilla's maid, whose sacred Recess you so lately disturb'd: she is at the inn-gate and desires to Speak with ye: not that she either taxes your inadvertency, or has a Mind to so resent it, but rather wonders, what god brought such civil Gentlemen into her quarters." We were silent as yet, and gave her the hearing, but inclin'd to Neither part of what she had said, when in came Quartilla herself Attended with a young girl, and sitting down by me, fell a weeping: Nor here also did we offer a word, but stood expecting what those Tears at command meant. At last when the showre had emptied it self She disdainfully turn'd up her hood and clinching her fingers Together, till the joints were ready to crack, "What impudence," said She, "is this? or where learnt ye those shamms, and that slight of Hand ye have so lately been beholding to? By my faith, young men, I Am sorry for ye; for no one beheld what was unlawful for him to see And went off unpunisht: and verily our part of the town has so many Deities, you'll sooner find a god than a man in't: And that you may Not think I came hither to be revenged on ye, I am more concern'd for Your youth, than the injury ye have done me: for unawares, as I yet Think, ye have committed an unexpiable abomination "For my part it troubled me all night, and threw me into such a Shaking, that I was afraid I had gotten a tertian, on which I took Somewhat to have made me sleep; but the god appeared to me, and Commanded me to rise and find ye out, as the likeliest way to take off The violence of the fit. But I am not so much in pain for a remedy As that a greater anguish strikes me to the heart, and will Undoubtedly make an end of me, for fear in one of your youthful Frolicks, you should disclose what you saw in Priapus's chappel, and Utter the counsels of the gods among the people. Low as your knees, I Therefore lift my hands t'ye, that ye neither make sport of our Night-worship, nor dishonour the mysteries of so many years, which 'tis not every one, even among our selves, that knows." After this she fell a crying again, and with many a pittiful groan Fell flat on my bed: when I at the same time, between pity and fear Bid her take courage and a**ure her self of both; for that we would Neither divulge those holy mysteries; nor if the god had prescribed Her any other remedy fot her ague, be wanting our selves to a**ist Providence, even with our own hazard At this promise of mine, becoming more chearful, she fell a kissing me Thick and threefold, and turning the humour of tears into laughing She comb'd up some hair that hung over my face with her fingers, and "I come to a truce with ye," said she, "and discharge ye of the Process I intended against you: but if ye shou'd refuse me the Medicine I entreat of ye for the ague, I have fellows enough will be Ready by to morrow, that shall both vindicate my reputation, and Revenge the affront ye put upon me "Contempt's dishono'rable, and the giver rude T'advise the doctor, speaks the patient proud: But l am mistress of my self so far I can pay scorn with scorn without a war: The wise revenge is to neglect the ill They're not the only conquerours that k**." Then clapping her hands together, she turn'd off to so violent a Laughter, that made us apprehensive of some design against us; the Same also did the woman that came in first, and the girl that came With her; but so mimically, that seeing no reason for so sudden a Change, we one while star'd on one another, and otherwhile on the Woman At length, quoth Quartilla, "I have commanded, that no flesh alive be Suffered to come into this inn to day; that I may receive from you the Medicine for the ague without interruption." At what time Ascyltos was a little amaz'd, and I so chill'd that I had Not power to utter a word: But the company gave me heart not to expect Worse, for they were but three women, and if they had any design, must Yet be too weak to effect it against us, who if we had nothing more of Man about us, had yet that figure to befriend us: We were all girt up For the purpose, and I had so contriv'd the couples, that if it must Come to a rancounter, I was to make my part good with Quartilla Ascyltos with her woman, and Gito the girl While I was thus casting the matter in my head, Quartilla came up to Me, to cure me of the ague, but finding her self disappointed, flew Off in a rage, and returning in a little while, told us, there were Certain persons unknown, had a design upon us, and therefore commanded To remove us into a noble palace Here all our courage fail'd us, and nothing but certain d**h seem'd To appear before us Then I began, "If, madam, you design to be more severe with us, be yet So kind as to dispatch it quickly; for whate'er our offence be, it is Not so hainous that we ought to be rack'd to d**h for it": Upon which Her woman, whose name was Psyche, spread a coverlet on the floor Sollicitavit inguina mea mille iam mortibus frigida. Ascyltos muffled His head in his coat, as having had a hint given him, how dangerous it Was to take notice of what did not concern him. In the mean time Psyche took off her garters, and with one of them bound my feet, and With the other my hands Thus fetter'd as I lay, "This, madam," said I, "is not the way to rid You of your ague." "I grant it," answer'd Psyche, "but I have a Dose At hand will infallibly do it" and therefore brought me a lusty bowl Of satyricon, (a love-potion) and so merrily ran over the wonderful Effects of it, that I had well-nigh s**'d it all off; but because Ascyltos had slighted her courtship, she finding his back towards her Threw the bottom of it on him Ascyltos perceiving the chat was at an end, "Am not I worthy," said He, "to get a sup?" And Psyche fearing my laughter might discover Her, clapped her hands, and told him, "Young-man I made you an offer Of it, but your friend here has drunk it all out." "Is it so," quoth Quartilla, smiling very agreeably, "and has Ercolpius gugg'd it all down?" At last also even Gito laught for Company, at what time the young wench flung her arms about his neck And meeting no resistance, half smother'd him with kisses We would have cry'd out, but there was no one near to help us; and as I was offering to bid 'em keep the peace, Psyche fell a nipping and Pricking me with her bodkin: on the other side also, the young wench Half stifled Ascyltos with a dish-clout she had rubb'd in the bowl Lastly came leaping upon us a burdash, in a rough mantle stuck with Myrtle, girt about him; and one while almost ground our hipps to Powder with his bobbing at us, and other while slobber'd us with his Nasty kisses; till Quartilla, holding her staff of office in her hand Discharg'd us of the service; but not without having first taken an Oath of us, that so dreadful a secret should go no further than our Selves. Then came in a company of wrestlers, and rubb'd us over with The yolk of an egg beaten to oil: When being somewhat refresh'd, we Put on our right gowns, and were led into the next room, that had Three beds in it, all well appointed, and the rest of the Entertainment as splendidly set out. The word was given, and we sate Down, when having whet our appetites with an excellent antipast, we Swill'd our selves with the choicest of wine; nor was it long e'er we Fell a nodding. "It is so," quoth Quartilla; "can ye sleep when ye Know it is the vigil to Priapus?" at what time Ascyltos snor'd so Soundly, that Psyche, not yet forgeting the disapointment, he gave Her, all besooted his face, and scor'd down his shoulders with a burnt Sticks end Plagu'd with these mischiefs, I hardly got the least wink of sleep Nor was the whole family, whether within doors or without, in a much Better condition, some lay up and down at our feet, others had run Their heads against the walls, and others lay dead asleep cross the Threshold: The lamps also having drunk up their oil, gave a thin and Last blaze At this instant got in a couple of pilfering rogues to have stollen Our wine; but while they fell a scuffling among some silver vessels That stood upon the table, they broke the earthen pot that held the Wine, and overthrew the table, with the plate on it, and at the same Time also, a cup falling off the shelf on Psyche's bed, broke her head As she lay fast asleep; on which he cry'd out, and therewith Discovered the thieves, and wak'd some of the drunkards: The thieves On the other hand finding themselves in a pound, threw themselves on One of the beds, as some of the guests, and fell a snoring like the Rest. The usher of the hall being by this time got awake, put some More oil in the dying lamps; and the boys, having rubb'd their eyes Return'd to their charge, when in came a woman that play'd on the Harp, and ratling its strings, rous'd all the rest: On which the Banquet was renew'd, and Quartilla gave the word, to go on where we Left (that is drinking): The she harper also added not a little to our Midnight revel At last bolted in a shameless rascal, one of no grace either in words Or gesture, and truly worthy of the house where he was; he also set up His voice, 'till apishly composing himself, as if he intended somewhat To the company, he mouth'd out these verses: O yes! Now tumblers with your wanton tricks Make haste, move your legs quick, make the ground drum; With wanton arms, soft thighs, and active hips The old, the tender, and the sweetly young Consumptis versibus suis immundissimo me basio conspuit. Mox et super Lectum venit atque omni vi detexit recusantem. Super inguina mea diu Multumque frustea moluit. Profluebant per frontem sudantem acaciae Rivi, et inter rugas malarum tantum erat cretae, ut putares detectum Parictum nimbo laborare. Non tenui ego diutius lacrimas, sed ad Ultiman, perductus tristitiam. "Quaeso," inquam, "domina, certe Embasicoetan iusseras dari." Complosit illa tenerius man*s et "O" Inquit "homincm acutum atque urbanitatis vernaculae fontem. Quid? tu Non intellexeras cinaedum embasicoetan vocari?" Deinde ut Contubernali meo melius succederet, "Per fidem" inquam "vestram Ascyltos in hoc triclinio solus ferias aglt?" "Ita" inquit Quartilla "et Ascylto embasicoetas detur." Ab hoc voce equum cinaedus mutavit Transituque ad comitem meum facto clunibus eutn basiisque distrivit Stabat inter haec Giton et risu disolvebat ilia sua. Itaque Conspicata eum Quartilla, cuius esset puer, diligentissima Sciscitatione quaesivit. Cum ego fratrem meum esse dixissem, "Quare Ergo" inquit "me non basiavit?" Vocatumque ad se in osculum Applicuit. Mox manum etiam demisit in sinum et pertrectato vasculo Tam rudi "Haec" inquit "belle cras in promulside libidinis nostrae Militabit: hodie enim post asellum diari non sumo." With that Psyche Came tittering to her, and having whispered I know not what in her Ear, Thou art in the right, quoth Quartilla, 'twas well thought on; And since we have so fine an opportunity, why should not our Pannychis Lose her maidenhead? And forthwith was brought in a pretty young Girl, that seem'd not to be above seven years of age, and was the same That first came into our room with Quartilla: All approv'd it with a General clap, ard next desiring it, a wedding was struck up between The boy and her. For my part I stood amaz'd, and a**ur'd them, that Neither Gito, a bashful lad, was able for the drudgery, nor the girl Of years to receive it. "Ita," inquit Quartilla, "minor eat ista quam Ego fui, quum primum virum pa**a sum? Iunonem meam iratam habeam, si Umquam me meminerim virginem fuisse. Nam et infans cum paribus Inclinata sum, et subinde procedentibus annis maioribus me pueris Applicui, donec ad hanc aetatem perveni. Hinc etiam puto proverbium Natum illud, ut dicatur posse taurum tollere, qui vitulum sustulerit." Least therefore my comrade might run a greater hazard, I got up to the Wedding And now Psyche put a flame-colour veil on the girl's head; the pathick Led before with a flamboe, and a long train of drunken women, fell a Shouting, and drest up the bride-chamber; Quartilla, all a-gog as the Rest, took hold of Gito and dragg'd him in with her: But truly the boy Made no resistance; nor seem'd the girl frighted at the name of Matrimony. When therefore they were lockt up, we sat without, before The threshold of the chamber; and Quartilla having waggishly slit a Chink thro' the door, as wantonly laid an ape's eye to it; nor content With that, pluck't me also to see that childs play, and when we were Not peeping, would turn her lips to me, and steal a kiss The jade's fulsomeness had so tir'd me that I began to devise which Was to get off. I told Ascyltos my mind, and he was well pleased with It, for he was a willing to get rid of his torment, Psyche: Nor was it Hard to be done, if Gito had not been lockt up in the chamber; for we Were resolved to take him with us, and not leave him the mercy of a Bawdy-house. While we were contriving how to effect it, it so Happened that Pannychis fell out of bed, and drew Gito after her Without any hurt, though the girl got a small knock in the fall, and Therewith made such a cry, that Quartilla, all in a fright, ran Headlong in, and gave us the opportunity of getting off, and taking The boy with us; when without more ado, we flew to our inn, and Getting to bed, past the rest of the night without fear But going out the next day, whom should we meet but two of those Fellows that robb'd us of the mantle, which Ascyltos perceiving, he Briskly attack'd one of them, and having disarm'd and desperately Wounded him, came in to my relief; who was pressing upon the other But he behav'd himself so well, that he wounded us both, altho' but Slightly, and got off himself without so much as a scratch And now came the third day, that is the expectation of an Entertainment at Trimalchio's, where every one might speak what he Would: But having received some wounds, we thought flight might be of More use to us than sitting still: We got to our inn therefore, as Fast as we could, and our wounds not being great, cured them as we lay In bed, with wine and oyl But the rogue whom Ascyltos had hewn down, lay in the street, and we Were in fear of being discovered, while therefore we were pensively Considering which way to avoid the impending storm, a servant of Agamemnon's interrupted our fears: "And do not ye know," said he "with whom we eat to-day? Trimalchio, a trim finical humorist has a Clock in his dining-room, and one on purpose to let him know how many Minutes of his life he had lost." We therefore drest our selves Carefully, and Gito willingly taking upon him the part of a servant As he had hither to done, we bade him put our things together, and Follow us to the bath Being in the mean time got ready, we walk'd we knew not where, or Rather, having a mind to divert us, struck into a tennis-court, where We saw an old bald-pated fellow in a carnation-colour'd coat, playing At ball with a company of boys, nor was it so much the boys, tho' it Was worth our while, that engaged us to be lookers on as the master of The house himself in pumps, who altogether tossed the ball, and never Struck it after it once came to the ground, but had a servant by him With a bag full of them, ard enough for all that play'd We observed also some new things; for in the gallery stood two Eunuchs, one of whom held a silver chamber-pot, the other counted the Balls, not those they kept tossing, but such as fell to the ground While we admir'd the humour, one Menelaus came up to us, and told us We were come where we must set up for the night, and we had seen the Beginning of our entertainment. As he was yet talking, Trimalchio Snapp'd his fingers, at which sign the eunuch held the chamber-pot to Him as he was playing; then calling for water, he dipped the tips of His fingers in it, and dry'd them on the boys head. 'Twould be too Long to recount every thing: We went into the hot-house, and having Sweated a little, into the cold bath; and while Trimalchio was Anointed from head to foot with a liquid perfume, and rubb'd clean Again, not with linnen but with finest flannen, his three chyrurgeons Ply'd the muscadine, but brawling over their cups; Trimalchio said it Was his turn to drink; then wrapt in a scarlet mantle, he was laid on A litter born by six servants, with four lacqueys in rich liveries Running before him, and by his side a sedan, in which was carried his Darling, a stale bleer-eyed catamite, more ill-favoured than his Master Trimalchio; who at they went on, kept close to his ear with a Flagellet as if he had whispered him, and made him musick all the way Wondering, we followed, and, with Agamemnon, came to the gate, on Which hung a tablet with this inscription: WHAT EVER SERVANT GOES FORTH WITHOUT HIS MASTER'S COMMAND, HE SHALL RECEIVE AN HUNDRED STRIPES In the porch stood the porter in a green livery, girt about with a Cherry-coloured girdle, garbling of pease in a silver charger; and Over head hung a golden cage with a magpye in it, which gave us an All Hail as we entred: But while I was gaping at these things, I had like To have broken my neck backward, for on the left hand, not far from The porter's lodge, there was a great dog in a chain painted on the Wall, and over him written in capital letters, BEWARE THE DOG. My Companions could not forbear laughing; bur I recollecting my spirits Pursued my design of going to the end of the wall; it was the draught Of a market-place where slaves were bought and sold with bills over Them: There was also Trimalchio with a white staff in his hand, and Minerva with a train after her entring Rome: Then having learnt how to Cast accompt, he was made auditor; all exquisitely painted with their Proper titles; and at the end of the gallery Mercury lifting him by The chin, and placing him on a judgment-seat. Fortune stood by him With a cornucopia, and the three fatal sisters winding a golden Thread I observed also in the same place a troop of light-horsemen, with Their commander exercising them, as also a large armory, in one of the Angles of which stood a shrine with the gods of the house in silver, a Marble statue of Venus, and a large golden box, in which it was said He kept the first shavings of his beard. Then asking the servant that Had the charge of these things, what pictures those were in the Middle? The Iliads and the Odysses, said he, and on the left-hand two Spectacles of sword-playing. We could not bestow much time on it, for By this time we were coming to the dining-room, in the entry of which Sate his steward, taking every one's account: But what I most admir'd Were those bundles of rods, with their axes, that were fastned to the Sides of the door, and stood, as it were, on the brazen prow of a Ship, on which was written TO CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO OF PRÆTORIAN DIGNITY; CINNAMUS THE STEWARD Under the same title also, hung a lamp of two lights from the roof of The room, and two tablets on either side of the door; of which one, if I well remember, had this inscription THE THIRD AND SECOND OF THE KALENDS OF JANUARY, OUR PATRON CAIUS EATS ABROAD On the other was represented the course of the moon, and the seven Stars; and what days were lucky, what unlucky, with an emboss'd studd To distinguish the one from the other Full of this sensuality we were now entring the room, where one of his Boys, set there for that purpose, call'd aloud to us, "ADVANCE ORDERLY." Nor is it to be doubted, but we were somewhat concern'd for Fear of breaking the orders of the place. But while we were footing It accordingly, a servant stript off his livery, fell at our feet, and Besought us to save him a whipping; for he said his fault was no great Matter, but that some cloaths of the stewards had been stolen from him In the bath, and all of them not worth eighteen-pence We returned therefore in good order, and finding the steward in the Counting-house telling some gold, besought him to remit the servant's Punishment: When putting on an haughty face, "It is not," said he "the loss of the thing troubles me, but the negligence of a careless Rascal. He has lost me the garments I sate at table in, and which a Client of mine presented me on my birth-day: no man can deny them to Be right purple, tho' not double dye; yet whatever it be, I grant your Request." Having receiv'd so great a favour, as we were entring the dining-room The servant for whom we had been suitors, met us, and kissing us, who Stood wondring what the humour meant, over and over gave us thanks for Our civility; and in short told us we should know by and by, whom it Was we had oblig'd: The wine which our master keeps for his own Drinking, is the waiters kindness At length we sate down, when a bigger and sprucer sort of boys coming About us, some of them poured snow-water on our heads, and others Par'd the nails of our feet, with a mighty dexterity, and that not Silently, but singing as it were by the bye: I resolved to try if the Whole family sang; and therefore called for drink, which one of the Boys a readily brought me with an odd kind of tune; and the same did Every one as you asked for any thing: You'd have taken it for a Morris Dancers hall, not the table of a person of quality Then came a sumptuous antepast; for we were all seated, but only Trimalchio, for whom, after a new fashion, the chief place was Reserv'd. Besides that, as a part of the entertainment, there was set By us a large vessel of metheglin, with a pannier, in the one part of Which were white olives, in the other black; two broad platters Covered the vessel, on the brims of which were engraven Trimalchio's Name, and the weight of the silver, with little bridges soldered Together, and on them dormice strew'd over with honey and poppy: There Were also piping-hot sausages on a silver gridiron, and under that Large damsons, with the kernels of pomegranats In this condition were we when Trimalchio himself was waddled into the Consort; and being close bolster'd with neck-cloaths and pillows to Keep off the air, we could not forbear laughing unawares: For his bald Pate peep'd out of a scarlet mantle, and over the load of cloaths he Lay under, there hung an embroidered towel, with purple ta**els and Fringes dingle dangle about it: He had also on the little finger of His left hand, a large gilt ring, and on the outmost joint of the Finger next it, one lesser, which I took for all gold; but at last it Appeared to be jointed together with a kind of stars of steel. And That we might see these were not all his bravery, he stripp'd his Right arm, on which he wore a golden bracelet, and an ivory circle Bound together with a glittering locket and a meddal at the end of it: Then picking his teeth with a silver pin, "I had not, my friends," Said he, "any inclination to have come among you so soon, but fearing My absence might make you wait too long, I deny'd myself my own Satisfaction; however suffer me to make an end of my game": There Followed him a boy with an inlaid table and christal dice; and I took Notice of one thing more pleasant than the rest; for instead of black And white counters, his were all silver and gold pieces of money In the mean time while he was squandering his heap at play, and we Were yet picking a relish here and there, a cupboard was brought in With a basket, in which was a hen carved in wood, her wings lying Round and hollow, as sitting on brood; when presently the consort Struck up, and two servants fell a searching the straw under her, and Taking out some peahens eggs, distributed them among the company: At This Trimalchio changing countenance, "I commanded my friends," said He "the hen to be set with peahens eggs; and so help me Hercules, am Afraid they may be half hatcht: however we'll try if they are yet Suppable." The thing we received was a kind of shell of at least six pounds Weight, made of paste, and moulded into the figure of an egg, which we Easily broke; and for my part, I was like to have thrown away my Share; for it seemed to me to have a chick in it; till hearing an old Guest of the tables saying, it was some good bit or other, I searched Further into it, and found a delicate fat wheatear in the middle of a Well-pepper'd yolk: On this Trimalchio stopped his play for a while And requiring the like for himself, proclaim'd, if any of us would Have any more metheglin, he was at liberty to take it; when of a Sudden the musick gave the sign, and the first course was scrabled Away by a company of singers and dancers; but in the rustle it Happening that a dish fell on the door, a boy took it up, and Trimalchio taking notice of it, pluck'd him by the ears, and commanded Him to throw it down again; on which the groom of the chamber came With a broom and swept away the silver dish, with whatsoever else had Fallen from the table When presently came in two long-hair'd blacks, with small leather Bottles, such as with which they strew sand on the stage, and gave us Wine to wash our hands, but no one offered us water. We all admiring The finicalness of the entertainment, "Mars," said he, "is a lover of Justice, and therefore let every one have a table to himself, for Having more elbow-room, these nasty stinking boys will be less Troublesome to us"; and thereupon large double-eared vessels of gla** Close plaistered over, were brought up with labels about their necks Upon which was this inscription: OPIMIAN MUSCADINE OF AN HUNDRED YEARS OLD While we were reading the titles, Trimalchio clapped his hands, and "Alas, alas," said he, "that wine should live longer than man! Wine Is life, and we'll try if it has held good ever since the consulship Of Lucius Opimius, or not. 'Tis right Opimian, and therefore make Ready; I brought not out so good yesterday, yet there were persons of Better quality sup'd with me." We drank and admired every thing, when in came a servant with a silver Puppet, so jointed and put together that it turned every way; and Being more than once thrown upon the table, cast it self into several Figures; on which Trimalchio came out with his poetry: Unhappy mortals, on how fine a thread Our lives depend! How like this puppet man Shall we alas! be all when we are dead! Therefore let's live merrily while we can The applause we gave him, was followed with a service, but respecting The place not so considerable as might have been expected: However The novelty of the thing drew every man's eye upon it; it was a large Charger, with the twelve signs round it; upon every one of which the Master cook had laid somewhat or other suitable to the sign. Upon Aries, chick-pease, (a pulse not unlike a ram's head); upon Taurus a Piece of beef; upon Gemini a pair of pendulums and kidneys; upon Cancer a coronet; upon Leo an African figg; upon Virgo a well-grown Boy; upon Libra a pair of scales, in one of which was a tart, in the Other a custard; upon Scorpio a pilchard; upon Sagittary a grey-hound; Upon Capricorn a lobster; upon Aquarius a goose; upon Pisces two Mullets; and in the middle a plat of herbs, cut out like a green turf And over them a honey-comb. During this, a lesser black carry'd about Bread in a silver oven, and with a hideous voice, forced a bawdy song From a buffoon that stunk like a**a fœtida When Trimalchio perceived we look'd somewhat awkwardly on such course Fare, "Come, come," said he, "fall to and eat, this is the custom of The place." Nor had he sooner said it, than the fourth consort struck up; at which The waiters fell a dancing, and took off the upper part of the Charger, under which was a dish of cramm'd fowl, and the hinder paps Of a sow that had farrowed but a day before, well powdered, and the Middle a hare, stuck in with finns of fish in his side, that he look'd Like a flying horse; and on the sides of the fish four little images That spouted a relishing sauce on some fish that lay near them, all of Them brought from the river Euripus We also seconded the shout begun by the family, and fell merrily Aboard this; and Trimalchio no less pleas'd than our selves, cryed "Cut"; at which the musick sounding again, the carver humour'd it, and Cut up the meat with such antick postures, you'd have thought him a Carman fighting to an organ Nevertheless Trimalchio in a lower note, cryed out again "Cut:" I Hearing the word so often repeated, suspecting there might be some Joke in it, was not ashamed to ask him that sate next above me, what It meant? And he that had been often present at the like, "You see," Said he, "him that carves about, his name is cutter; and as often as He says 'Cut,' he both calls and commands." The humour spoiled my stomach for eating; but turning to him that I Might learn more, I made some pleasant discourse to him at a distance; And at last asked him what that woman was that so often scutled up and Down the room "It is," said he, "Trimalchio's wife, her name Fortunata, she measures Money by the bushel; but what was she not long since? Pardon me sir You would not have touch'd her with a pair of tongs, but now, no one Knows how, or wherefore she's got into heaven; and is Trimalchio's all In all: In short, if she says it is mid-night at mid-day, he'll Believe her. He's so very wealthy, he knows not what he has; but she Has an eye every where; and when you least think to meet her: She's Void of all good counsel, and withal of all ill tongue; a very pye at His bolster; whom she loves she loves; and whom she does not love, she Does not love "Then for Trimalchio, he has more lands than a crow can fly over; Monies upon monies: There lies more silver in his porters lodge, than Any one man's whole estate. And for his family, hey-day, hey-day There is not (so help me Hercules) one tenth of them that know their Master. In brief, there is not one of those fools about him, but he Can turn him into a cabbage-stalk. Nor is there any occasion to buy Any thing, he has all at his own door; wooll, marte, pepper, nay hens Milk; do but beat about and you'll find it. In a word, time was, his Wooll was none of the best, and therefore he bought rams at Tarentum To mend this breed; an in like manner he did by his honey, by bringing His bees from Athens. It is not long since but he sent to the Indies For mushroom-seed: Nor has he so much as a mule that did not come of a Wild a**. See you all these quilts? there is not one of them whose Wadding is not the finest comb'd wooll of violet or scarlet colour Dy'd in grain. O happy man! but have a care how you put a slight on Those freed men, they are rich rogues: See you him that sits at the Lower-end of the table, he has now the Lord knows what; and 'tis not Long since he was not worth a groat, and carried billets and f*ggots At his back; it is said, but I know nothing of it myself, but as I Have heard, either he got in with an old hog-grubbler, or had to do With an incubus, and found a treasure: For my part, I envy no man, (if God gives anything it is a bit of a blow, and wills no evil to himself ) he lately set up this proclamation: "C. POMPEIUS DIOGENES HAS SOME LODGINGS TO LET, FOR HE HATH BOUGHT A HOUSE." "But what think you of him who sits in the place of a late slave? how Well was he once? I do not upbraid him: He was once worth a hundred Thousand sesterstias, but has not now a hair of his head that is not Engaged; nor, so help me Hercules, is it his own fault: There is not a Better humour'd man than himself; but those rascally freed-men have Cheated him of all: For know, when the pot boyls, and a man's estate Declines, farewell friends. And what trade do you think he drove? He Had the setting forth of grave men's funerals; and with that eat like A prince: He had his wild boars served up covered; pastry-meats Fowl-cooks, bakers: More wine was thrown under his table than most men Have in their cellars; a meer phantasm: And when his estate was going And he feared his creditors might fall upon him, he made an auction Under this title: "JULIUS PROCULUS WILL MAKE AN AUCTION OF SEVERAL GOODS HE HAS NO USE OF." The dish was by this time taken away, and the guests grown merry with Wine, began to talk of what was done abroad, when Trimalchio broke the Discourse; and leaning on his elbow, "This wine," said he, "is worth Drinking, and fish must swim; but do you think I am satisfied with That part of your supper you saw in the charger? Is Ulysses no better Known? what then; we ought to exercise our brains as well as our Chaps; and shew, that we are not only lovers of learning, but Understand it: Peace rest my old tutor's bones who made me a man Amongst men: No man can tell me any thing that is new to me; for, like Him, I am master of the practicks "This heaven, that's inhabited by twelve gods, turns it self into as Many figures; and now 'tis Aries: He that's born under that sign has Much cattle, much wooll, and to that a jolt-head, a brazen-face, and Will be certainly a cuckold: There are many scholars, advocates, and Horned beasts, come into the world under this sign. We praised our Nativity-caster's pleasantness, and he went on then again: The whole Heaven is Taurus, and wonder it e'er bore foot-ball-players Herds-men, and such as can shift for themselves. Under Gemini are Foaled coach-horses, oxen calved, great baubles, and such as can claw Both sides are born. I was born my self under Cancer, and therefore Stand on many feet, as having large possessions both by sea and land For Cancer suits one as well as the other, and therefore I put nothing Upon him, that I might not press my own geniture. Under Leo Spendthrifts and bullies: under Virgo, women, runagates, and such as Wear iron garters: under Libra, butchers, slipslop-makers, and men of Business: under Scorpio, empoisoners and cut-throats: under Sagittary Such as are goggle-ey'd, herb-women, and bacon-stealers: under Capricorn, poor helpless rascals, to whom yet Nature intended horns to Defend themselves: under Aquarius, cooks and paunch-bellies: under Pisces, caterers and orators: And so the world goes round like a mill And is never without its mischief; that men be either born or perish But for that tuft of herbs in the middle, and the honey-comb upon it I do nothing without just reason for it: Our mother the earth is in The middle, made round like an egg, and has all good things in her Self, like a honeycomb." "Most learnedly," we all cry'd; and lifting our hands, swore, neither Hipparebus nor Aratus were to be compared to him, till at last other Servants came in and spread coverlets on the beds, on which were Painted nets, men in ambush with hunting-poles, and whatever Appertained to hunting: Nor could we yet tell what to make of it: when We heard a great cry without, and a pack of beagles came and ran round The table, and after them a large trey, on which was a boar of the First magnitude, with a cap on his head, (such as slaves at their Making free, had set on theirs in token of liberties) on his tusks Hung two wicker baskets, the one full of dates, the other of almonds; And about him lay little pigs of marchpane, as if they were s**ing: They signified a sow had farrowed, and hang there as presents for the Guests to carry away with them To the cutting up this boar, here came not he that had carried about The fowl as before, but a swinging fellow with a two-handed beard Buskins on his leggs, and a short embroidered coat; who drawing his Wood-knife, made a large hole in the boar's side, out of which flew a Company of blackbirds: Then fowlers stood ready with their engines and Caught them in a trice as they fluttered about the room: On which Trimalchio ordering to every man his bird, "See," said he, "what kind Of acorns this wild boar fed on:" When presently the boys took off the Baskets and distributed the dates and almonds among the guests In the mean time, I, who had private thoughts of my own, was much Concerned, to know why the boar was brought in with a cap upon his Head; and therefore having run out my tittle-tattle, I told my Interpreter what troubled me: To which he answered, "Your boy can even Tell ye what it means, for there's no riddle in it, but all as clear As day. This boar stood the last of yester-nights supper, and Dismiss'd by the guests, returns now as a free-man among us." I curst My dulness, and asked him no more questions, that I might not be Thought to have never eaten before with men of sense While we were yet talking, in came a handsome boy with a wreath of Vine leaves and ivy about his head; declaring himself one while Bromius, another while Lyccus, and another Euphyus (several names of Bacchus) he carried about a server of grapes, and with a clear voice Repeated some of his master's poetry, at which Trimalchio turning to Him, "Dionysius," said he, "be thou Liber," (i.e.) free, (two other Names of Bacchus) whereupon the boy took the cap from off the boar's Head, and putting it on his own, Trimalchio added, "You will not deny Me but I have a father, Liber." We all praised the conceit, and Soundly kissed the boy as he went round us From this up rose Trimalchio, and went to the close-stool; we also Being at liberty, without a tyrant over us fell to some table-talk When presently one calling for a bumper, "The day," said he, "is Nothing, 'tis night e're the scene turn, and therefore nothing is Better than to go straight from bed to board. We have had a great Deal of frost, the bagnio has scarce heated me; but a warm drinking is My wardrobe-keeper: For my part, I have spun this days thread; the Wine is got into my noddle, and I am down-right--" Selucus went on with the rest, "And I," said he, "do not bathe every Day, for he where I use to bathe is a fuller: Cold water has teeth in It, and my head grows every day more washy than others, but when I Have got my dose in my guts, I bid defiance to cold: Nor could I well Do it to day, for I was at a funeral, a jolly companion, and a good Man was he, Crysanthus has breathed his last: 'Tis not long since we Were together, and methinks I talk with him now. Alas, alas! we are But blown bladders, less than flies, yet they have somewhat in them: But we are meer bubbles. You'll say he would not be rul'd; not a drop Of water, or crumb of bread went down his throat in five days: And yet He's gone, or that he died of the doctor. But I am of opinion his Time was come; for a physician is a great comfort. However, he was Well carried out of his house upon a rich bed, and mightily lamented He made some of his servants free; but his wife seem'd not much Concerned for him. You'll say again he was not kind to her; but women Are a kind of kites; whatever good is done them, 'tis the same as if It were thrown in a well; and old love is as bad as a goal." At this Philaos grew troublesome, and cryed out, "Let us remember the Living: He had what was due to him; as he liv'd so he dy'd; and what Has he now that any man moans the want of it? He came from nothing And to his dying-day would have taken a farthing from a dunghil with His teeth; therefore as he grew up, he grew like a honey-comb. He Dy'd worth the Lord knows what, all ready money. But to the matter; I Have eaten a dog's tongue and dare speak truth: He had a foul mouth Was all babble; a very make-bate, not a man. His brother was a brave Fellow, a friend to his friends, of an open hand, and kept a full Table: He did not order his affairs so well at first as he might have Done; but the first vintage made him up again; for he sold what wine He would; and what kept up his chin was the expectation of a Reversion; the credit of which brought him more than was left him; for His brother taking a pelt at him, devised the estate to I know not Whose ba*tard: He flies far that flies his relations. Besides, this Brother of his had whisperers about him, that were back-friends to the Other: but he shall never do right that is quick of belief, especially In matter of business; and yet 'tis true, he'll be counted wise while He lives, to whom the thing whatever it be is given, nor he that ought To have had it. He was without doubt, one of fortune's sons; lead in His hand would turn to gold, and without trouble too, where there are Not rubbs in the way. And how many years think ye he liv'd? Seventy-odd: but he was as hard as horn, bore his age well, and as Black as a crow "I knew him some years ago an oilman, and to his last a good womans Man; but withal such a miser, that (so help me Hercules) I think he Left not a dogg in his house. He was also a great who*e-master, and a Jack of all trades; nor do I condemn him for't, for this was the only Secret he kept to himself and carry'd with him." Thus Phileros and Gammedes, as followeth: "Ye talk of what concerns Neither Heaven nor Earth, when in the mean time no man regards what Makes all victuals so scarce: I could not (so help me Hercules) get a Mouthful of bread to day: and how? The drought continues: For my Part, I have not fill'd my belly this twelve-month: A plague on these Clerks of the market, the baker and they juggle together; take no Notice of me, I'll take no notice of thee; which make the poorer sort Labour for nothing, while those greater jaw-bones make festival every Day. Oh that we had those lyons I now find here, when I first came Out of Asia, that had been to live: The inner part of Sicily had the Like of them, but they so handled the goblins, even Jupiter bore them No good-will. I remember Safinius, when I was a boy, he liv'd by the Old arch; you'd have taken him for pepper-corn rather than a man; Where-ever he went the earth parched under him; yet he was honest at Bottom; one might depend on him; a friend to his friend, and whom you Might boldly trust in the dark. But how did he behave himself on the Bench? He toss'd every one like a ball; made no starch'd speeches But downright, as he were, doing himself what he would persuade Others: But in the market his noise was like a trumpet, without Sweating or spueing. I fancy he had somewhat, I know not what, of the Asian humour: then so ready to return a salute, and call every one by His name, as if he had been one of us. In his time corn was as common As loam; you might have bought more bread for half a farthing, than Any two could eat; but now the eye of an ox will cost you twice as Much: Alas! alas! we are every day worse and worse, and grow like a Cows tail, downward: And why all this? We have a clerk of the market Not worth three figgs, and values more the getting of a doit himself Than any of our lives: 'Tis this makes him laugh in his sleeve; for he Gets more money in a day than many an honest man's whole estate: I Know not how he got the estate he has; but if we had any thing of men About us, he would not hug himself as he does, but now the people are Grown to this pa**, that they are lyons at home, and foxes abroad: For My part, I have eaten up my cloaths already, and if corn holds at the Rate it does, I shall be forc'd to sell house and all: For what will Become of us, if neither gods nor men pity us? Let me never enjoy my Friends more, than I believe all this comes from Heaven; for no one Thinks there is any such thing; no one keeps a fast, or value Jupiter A hair, but shuts his eyes and reckons what he is worth. Time was When matrons went bare-foot with dishevel'd hair, pure minds, and Pray'd him to send rain, and forthwith it rained pitcher-fulls, or Then or never, and every one was pleased: Now the gods are no better Than mice; as they tread, their feet are wrapt in wooll; and because Ye are not superstitious your lands yield nothing." "More civilly, I beseech ye," said Echion the hundred-constable; "it Is one while this way, and another while that, said the country-man When he lost his speckled hogg: What is not to day may be to morrow; And thus is life hurried about, so help me Hercules, a country is said Not to be the better that it has many people in it, tho' ours at Present labours under that difficulty, but it is no fault of hers: We Must not be so nice, Heaven is equally distant every where; were you In another place you'd say hoggs walked here ready dress'd: And now I Think on't, we shall have an excellent show these holy-days, a Fencing-prize exhibited to the people; not of slaves bought for that Purpose, but most of them freemen. Our patron Titus has a large soul But a very devil in his drink, and cares not a straw which side gets The better: I think I should know him, for I belong to him; he's of a Right breed both by father and mother, no mongril. They are well Provided with weapons, and will fight it out to the last: the theatre Will look like a butchers shambles, and he has where-withal to do it; His father left him a vast sum, and let him make ducks and drakes with It never so much, the Estate will bear it, and he always carries the Reputation of it. He has his waggon horses, a woman-carter, and Glyco's steward, who was taken a-bed with his mistress; what a busle's Here between cuckolds and cuckold-makers! But this Glyco a Money-broker, condemned his steward to fight with beasts; and what was That but to expose himself for another? where lay the servant's crime Who perhaps was oblig'd to do what he did: She rather deserv'd to be Brain'd, than the bull that tossed her; but he that cannot come at the Arse, thrashes at the pack-saddle: yet how could Glyco expect Hermogine's daughter should make a good end? She'd have pared the Claws of a flying kite; a snake does not bring forth a halter: Glyco Might do what he would with his own; but it will be a brand on him as Long as he lives; nor can any thing but Hell blot it out; however Every man's faults are his own. I perceive now what entertainment Mammea is like to give us; he'll be at twopence charges for me and my Company; which if he does, he will pull Narban*s clean out of favour; For you must know, he'll live at the full height; yet in truth what Good has he done us? He gave us a company of gittiful sword-players But so old and decrepid, that had you blown on them, they'd have Fallen of themselves: I have seen many a better at a funeral pile; he Would not be at the charge of lamps for them; you'd have taken them For dunghil co*ks fighting in the dark; one was a downright fool, and Withal gouty; another crump-footed, and a third half dead, and Hamstrung: There was one of them a Thracian, that made a figure, and Kept up to the rule of fighting; but upon the whole matter, all of Them were parted, and nothing came of this great block-headed rabble But a downright running away: And yet, said he, I made ye a show, and I clap my hands for company; but cast up the account, I gave more than I received; one hand rubs another. You Agamemnon seem to tell me what Would that trouble some fellow be at; because you that can speak, and Do not, you are not of our form, and therefore ridicule what poor men Say; tho', saving the repute of a scholar, we know you are but a meer Fool. Where lies the matter then? let me persuade you to take a walk In the country, and see our cottage, you'll find somewhat to eat; a Chicken, some eggs, or the like: The tempestuous season had like to Have broke us all, yet we'll get enough to fill the belly. Your Scholar, my boy Cicero, is mightily improved, and if he lives, you'll Have a servant of him; he is pretty forward already, and whatever Spare time he has, never off a book: He's a witty lad, well-featur'd Takes a thing without much study, tho' yet he be sickly: I k**ed Three of his linnets the other day, and told him the weasels had eaten Them; yet he found other things to play with, and has a pretty knack At painting: He has a perfect aversion to Greek, but seems better Inclined to Latin; tho' the master he has now humours him in the Other; nor can he be kept to one thing, but is still craving more, and Will not take pains with any. There is also another of this sort, not Much troubled with learning, but very diligent, and teaches more than He knows himself: He comes to our house on holidays, and whatever you Give him he's contented; I therefore bought the boy some ruled books Because I will have him get a smattering in accounts and the law; it Will be his own another day: He has learning enough already, but if he Takes back to it again, I design him for a trade, a barber, a parson Or a lawyer, which nothing but the devil can take from him: How oft Have I told him, Thou art (Sirrah) my first begotten, and believe thy Father, whatever thou learnest 'tis all thy own: See there Philero the Lawyer, if he had not been a scholar he might have starved; but now See what trinkums he has about his neck, and dares nose Narban*s Letters are a treasure, and a trade never dies." Thus, or the like, we were bandying it about when Trimalchio return'd And having wip'd the slops from his face, wash'd his hands, and in a Very little time, "Pardon me, my friends," said he, "I have been Costive for several days, and my physicians were to seek about it When a suppository of pomegranate wine, with the liquor of a pine-tree And vinegar relieved me; and now I hope my belly may be ashamed if it Keep no better order; for otherwise I have such a rumbling in my guts You'd think an ox bellowed; and therefore if any of you has a mind, he Need not blush for the matter; there's not one of us born without some Defect or other, and I think no torment greater than wanting the Benefit of going to stool, which is the only thing even Jupiter Himself cannot prevent: And do you laugh, Fortunata, you that break me So often of my sleep by nights; I never denyed any man do that in my Room might pleasure himself, and physicians will not allow us to keep Any thing in our bodies longer than we needs must; or if ye have any Farther occasion, every thing is ready in the next room: Water Chamber-pots, close-stools, or whatever else ye may need; believe me This being hard-bound, if it get into the head, disturbs the whole Body; I have known many a man lost by it, when they have been so Modest to themselves as not to tell what they ailed." We thank'd him for his freeness, and the liberty he gave us, when yet To suppress our laughter, we set the gla**es about again; nor did we Yet know that in the midst of such dainties we were, as they say, to Clamber another hill; for the cloth being again taken away, upon the Next musick were brought in three fat hogs with collars and bells About their necks; and he that had the charge of them told us, the one Was two years old, the other three, and the third full grown. I took It at first to have been a company of tumblers, and that the hogs, as The manner is, were to have shewn us some tricks in a ring, till Trimalchio breaking my expectation, "Which of them," said he, "will ye Have for supper? for co*ks, pheasants, and the like trifles are but Country fare, but my cooks have coppers will boil a calf whole;" and Therewith commanding a cook to be called for, he prevented our choice By ordering him to k** the largest, and with a loud voice, asked him Of what rank of servants in that house he was? to which he answering Of the fortieth: "Were you bought," said the other, "or born in my House?" "Neither," said the cook, "but left you by Pansa's Testament." "See then," said Trimalchio, "that you dress it as it Should be, or I'll send you to the galleys." On which the cook Advertised of his power, went into the kitchin to mind his charge But Trimalchio turning to us with a pleasanter look, asked if the wine Pleased us, "If not," said he, "I'll have it changed, and if it does Let me see it by your drinking: I thank the gods I do not buy it, but Have everything that may get an appetite growing on my own grounds Without the city, which no man that I know but my self has; and yet it Has been taken for Tarracino and Taranto. I have a project to joyn Sicily to my lands on the continent, that when I have a mind to go Into Africa, I may sail by my own coasts. But prithee Agamemnon tell Me what moot-point was it you argued to day; for tho' I plead no Causes my self, yet I have had a share of letters in my time; and that You may not think me sick of them now, have three libraries, the one Greek, the other two Latin; therefore as you love me tell me what was The state of the question:" "The poor and the rich are enemies," said Agamemnon: "And what is poor," answered Trimalchio? "Spoke like a Gentleman," replyed Agamemnon. But making nothing of the matter, "If It be so," said Trimalchio, "where lies the dispute? And if it be not So, 'tis nothing." While we all humm'd this and the like stuff, "I beseech ye," said he "my dear Agamemnon, do you remember the twelve labours of Hercules, or The story of Ulysses, how a Cyclop put his thumb out of joint with a Mawkin? I read such things in Homer when I was a boy; nay, saw my Self the Sybil of Curna hanging in a gla** bottle: And when the boys Asked her, 'Sybil, what wouldst thou?' She answered, 'I would die.'" He had not yet run to the end of the rope, when an over-grown hog was Brought to the table. We all wondered at the quickness of the thing And swore a capon could not be dress'd in the time; and that the more Because the hog seemed larger than was the boar, we had a little Before: When Trimalchio looking more intent upon him, "What, what," Said he, "are not his guts taken out? No, (so help me Hercules) they Are not! Bring hither, bring hither this rogue of a cook." And when He stood hanging his head before us, and said, he was so much in haste He forgot it. "How, forgot it," cry'd out Trimalchio! "Do ye think He has given it no reasoning of pepper and cummin? Strip him:" When In a trice 'twas done, and himself set between two tormentors: However, we all interceded for him, as a fault that might now and then Happen, and therefore beg'd his pardon; but if he ever did the like There was no one would speak for him; tho' for my part, I think he Deserved what he got: And so turning to Agamemnon's ear, "This Fellow," said I, "must be a naughty knave; could any one forget to Bowel a hog? I would not (so help me Hercules) have forgiven him if He had served me so with a single fish." But Trimalchio it seems, had Somewhat else in his head; for falling a laughing, "You," said he "that have so short a memory, let's see if you can do it now." On Which, the cook having gotten his coat again, took up a knife, and With a feigned trembling, ripp'd up the hog's belly long and thwart When immediately its own weight tumbled out a heap of hogs-puddings And sausages After this, as it had been done of it self, the family gave a shout And cry'd out, "Health and prosperity to Caius!" The cook also was Presented with wine, a silver coronet, and a drinking goblet, on a Broad Corinthian plate: which Agamemnon more narrowly viewing; "I am," Said Trimalchio, ''the only person that has the true Corinthian Vessels." I expected, that according to the rest of his haughtiness, he would Have told us they had been brought him from Corinth: But he better: "And perhaps," said he, "you'll ask me why I am the only person that Have them. And why, but the copper-smith from whom I buy them, is Called Corinthus? And what is Corinthian but what is made by Corinthus? But that ye may not take me for a man of no sence, I Understand well enough whence the word first came. When Troy was Taken, Hannibal, a cunning fellow, but withal mischievous, made a pile Of all the brazen, gold and silver statues, and burnt them together And thence came this mixt metal; which workmen afterwards carried off; And of this ma** made platters, dishes, and several other things; so That these vessels are neither this nor that metal, but made of all of Them. Pardon me what I say; however others may be of another mind, I Had rather have gla** ware; and if it: were not so subject to Breaking, I'd reckon it before gold; but now it is of no esteem "There was a copper-smith that made gla** vessels of that pliant Harness, that they were no more to be broken than gold and silver Ones: It so happened, that having made a drinking-pot, with a wide Mouth of that kind, but the finest gla**, fit for no man, as he Thought, less than Cæsar himself; he went with his present to Cæsar, and had admittance: The kind of the gift was praised, the Hand of the workman commended, and the design of the giver accepted He again, that he might turn the admiration of the beholders into Astonishment, and work himself the more into the Emperor's favour Pray'd the gla** out of the Emperor's hand; and having received it Threw it with such a force against the paved floor, that the most Solid and firmest metal could not but have received some hurt thereby Cæsar also was no less amazed at it, than concerned for it; but the Other took up the pot from the ground, not broken but bulg'd a little; As if the substance of metal had put on the likeness of a gla**; and Therewith taking a hammer out of his pocket, he hammer'd it as it had Been a bra** kettle, and beat out the bruise: And now the fellow Thought himself in Heaven, in having, as he fansied, gotten the Acquaintance of Cæsar, and the admiration of all: But it fell out Quite contrary: Cæsar asking him if any one knew how to make this Malleable gla** but himself? And he answering, there was not, the Emperor commanded his head to be struck off: 'For,' said he, 'if this Art were once known, gold and silver will be of no more esteem than Dirt.' "And for silver, I more than ordinarily affect it: I have several Water-pots more or less, whereon is the story how Ca**andra k**ed her Son's, and the dead boys are so well embossed, you'd think them real I have also a drinking cup left me by an advocate of mine, where Dædalus puts Niobe into the Trojan horse, as also that other of Hermerotes; that they may stand as a testimony, there's truth in cups And all this ma**y; ror will I part with what I understand of them at Any rate." While he was thus talking, a cup dropt out of a boy's hand; on which Trimalchio looking over his shoulder at him, bad him begone, and k** Himself immediately; "for," said he, "thou art careless and mind'st Not what thou art about." The boy hung his lip, and besought him; but He said, "What! dost thou beseech me, as if I required some difficult Matter of thee? I only bid thee obtain this of thy self, that thou be Not careless again." But at last he discharged him upon our entreaty On this the boy run round the table and cry'd, "Water without doors And wine within." We all took the jest, but more especially Agamemnon, who knew on what account himself had been brought thither Trimalchio in the mean time hearing himself commended, drank all the Merrier, and being within an ace of quite out, "Will none of you," Said he, "invite my Fortunata to dance? Believe me, there's no one Leads a country dance better:" And with that, tossing his hands round His head, fell to act a jack-pudding; the family all the while Singing, 'youth it self, most exactly youth it self ;' and he had Gotten into the middle of the room, but that Fortunata whispered him And I believe told him, such gambols did not become his gravity. Nor Was there any thing more uneven to it self; for one while he turned to His Fortunata, and another while to his natural inclination: But what Disturbed the pleasure of her dancing, was his notaries coming in; Who, as they had been the acts of a common council, read aloud: 'VII. of the Calends of August born in Trimalchio's manner of cumanum Thirty boys and forty girls, brought from the threshing-floor into the Granary, five hundred thousand bushels of wheat. The same day broke Out a fire in a pleasure-garden that was Pompey's, first began in one Of his bayliffs houses.' "How's this," said Trimalchio: "When were those gardens bought for Me?" "The year before," answered his notary, "and therefore not yet Brought to account." At this Trimalchio fell into a fume; and "whatever lands," said he "shall be bought me hereafter, if I hear nothing of it in six months Let them never, I charge ye, be brought to any account of mine." Then Also were read the orders of the clerks of the markets, and the Testaments of his woodwards, rangers, and park-keepers, by which they Disinherited their relations, and with ample praise of him, declare Trimalchio their heir. Next that, the names of his bayliffs; and how One of them that made his circuits in the country, turned off his wife For having taken her in bed with a barber; the door-keeper of his Baths turn'd out of his place; the auditor found short in his Accounts, and the dispute between the grooms of his chamber ended At last came in the dancers on the rope, and a gorbelly'd blockhead Standing out with a ladder, commanded his boy to hopp every round Singing, and dance a jigg on the top of it, and then tumble through Burning hoops of iron, with a gla** in his mouth. Trimalchio was the Only person that admir'd it, but withal said, he did not like it; but There were two things he could willingly behold, and they were the Flyers on the high rope, and quails; and that all other creatures and Shows were meer gewgaws: "For," said he, "I bought once a sett of Stroulers, and chose rather to make them merry-andrews than comedians; And commanded my bag-piper to sing in Latin to them." While he was chattering all at this rate, a boy chanced to stumble Upon him, on which the family gave a shriek, the same also did the Guests; not for such a beast of a man, whose neck they could willingly Have seen broken, but for fear the supper should break up ill, and They be forc'd to wail the d**h of the boy Whatever it were, Trimalchio gave a deep groan; and leaning upon his Arm as if it had been hurt, the physicians ran thick about him, and With the first, Fortunata, her hair about her ears, a bottle of wine In her hand, still howling, miserable unfortunate woman that she was! Undone, undone. The boy on the other hand, ran under our feet, and Beseeched us to procure him a discharge: But I was much concern'd Lest our interposition might make an ill end of the matter; for the Cook that had forgotten to bowel the hog was still in my thoughts. I Began therefore to look about the room, for fear somewhat or other Might drop through the ceiling; while the servant that had bound up His arm in white, not scarlet-colour flannen, was soundly beaten: Now Was I much out, for instead of another course, came in an order of Trimalchio's by which he gave the boy his freedom; that it might not Be said, so honourable a person had been hurt by his slave. We all Commended the action, but chatted among our selves with what little Consideration the things of this world were done. "You're in the Right," said Trimalchio; "nor ought this accident to pa** without Booking;" and so calling for the journal, commanded it to be entered; And with, as little thought, tumbled out these verses: "What's least expected falls into our dish And fortune's more indulgent than our wish: Therefore, boy, fill the generous wine about." This epigram gave occasion to talk of the poets, and Marsus, the Trachian, carry'd the bays a long while: till Trimalchio (turning to Some wit amongst them) "I beseech ye, master of mine," said he, "tell Me what difference take ye between Cicero the orator, and Publius the Poet? for my part I think one was more eloquent, the other the Honester man; for what could be said better than this." "Now sinking Rome grows weak with luxury To please her appetite cram'd peaco*ks die: Their gaudy plumes a modish dress supply For her the guinnea hen and capon's drest: The stork it self for Rome's luxurious taste Must in a caldron build its humbl'd nest That foreign, friendly, pious, long-leg'd thing Grateful, that with shrill sounding notes dost sing All winter's gone; yet ushers in the spring Why in one ring must three rich pearls be worn But that your wives th' exhausted seas adorn Abroad t' increase their lust, at home their scorn? Why is the costly emerald so desir'd Or richer glittering carbuncle admir'd Because they sparkle, is't with that you're fir'd? Well, honesty's a j**el. Now none knows A modest bride from a kept who*e by 'er cloaths; For cobweb lawns both spouse and wench expose." "But, now we talk after the rate of the learned, which," said he, "are The most difficult trades? I think a physician and a banker: a Physician, because he know's a man's very heart, and when the fits of An ague will return; tho' by the way, I hate them mortally; for by Their good will I should have nothing but slubber-slops: And a banker Because he'll find out a piece of bra** money, tho' plated with Silver "There are also brute beasts, sheep and oxen, laborious in their kind: Oxen, to whom we are beholding for the bread we eat; and sheep, for The wooll, that makes us so fine. But O horrid! we both eat the Mutton, and make us warm with the fleece. I take the bees for divine Creatures; they give us honey, tho' 'tis said they stole it from Jupiter, and that's the reason why they sting: For where-ever ye meet Any thing that's sweet you'll ever find a sting at the end of it." He also excluded philosophers from business, while the memoirs of the Family were carrying round the table, and a boy, set for that purpose Read aloud the names of the presents, appointed for the guests, to Carry home with them. Wicked silver, what can it not? Then a gammon Of bacon was set on the table, and above that several sharp sauces, a Night-cap for himself, pudding-pies, and I know not what kind of Birds: There was also brought in a rundlet of wine, boiled off a third Part, and kept under ground to preserve its strength: There were also Several other things I can give no account of; besides apples Scallions, peaches, a whip, a knife, and what had been sent him; as Sparrows, a flye-flap, raisons, Attick honey, night-gowns, judges Robes, dry'd paste, table-books, with a pipe and a foot-stool: After Which came in an hare and a sole-fish: And there was further sent him A lamprey, a water-rat, with a frog at his tail, and a bundle of Beets Long time we smiled at these, and five hundred the like, that have now Slipt my memory: But now when Ascyltos, who could not moderate Hirnself, held up his hands and laught at every thing; nay so Downright, that he was ready to cry: A free-man of Trimalchio's that Sate next above me, grew hot upon't; and "What," said he, "thou sheep What dost thou laugh at? does not this sumptuousness of my master Please you? you're richer (forsooth) and eat better every day; so may The guardian of this place favour me, as had I sate near him, I'd hit Him a box on the ear ere this: A hopeful cullion, that mocks others; Some pitiful night-walker, not worth the very urine he makes; and Should I throw mine on him, knows not where to dry himself. I am not (so help me Hercules) quickly angry, yet worms are bred even in tender Flesh. He laughs! what has he to laugh at? what wooll did his father Give for the bantling? Is he a Roman knight? I am the son of a king How came I then, you'll say, to serve another? I did it of my self And had rather be a citizen of Rome, than a tributary king, and now Hope to live so, as to be no man's jeast. I walk like other men, with An open face, and can shew my head among the best, for I owe no man a Groat; I never had an action brought against me, or said to me on the Exchange, Pay me what thou owest me. I bought some acres in the Country, and have everything suitable to it: I feed twenty mouths Besides dogs: I ransomed my bond-woman, lest another should wipe his Hands on her smock; and between our selves, she cost me more than I'll Tell ye at present. I was made a captain of horse gratis, and hope so To die, that I shall have no occasion to blush in my grave: But art Thou so prying into others, that thou never considerest thy self? Canst thou spy a louse on another man's coat, and not see the tyck on Thy own? Your master then is ancienter than your self, and 't please Him; but yet thou, whose milk is not yet out of thy nose; that can'st Not say boh to a goose; must you be making observations? Are you the Wealthier man? If you are, dine twice, and sup twice; for my part, I Value my credit more than treasures: Upon the whole matter, where's The man that ever dunn'd me twice? Thou pipkin of a man, more limber But nothing better than a strap of wet leather, I have served forty Years in this house, came into it with my hair full grown; this palace Was not then built, yet I made it my business to please my master, a Person of honour, the parings of whose nails are more worth than thy Whole body. I met several rubs in my way, but by the help of my good Angel, I broke through them all: This is truth; it is as easie to make A hunting-horn of a sow's tail, as to get into this company. What Make ye in a dump now, like a goat at a heap of stones?" On this Gito, who stood behind him, burst out a laughing; which the Other taking notice of, fell upon the boy; and, "Do you," said he "laugh too, you curl-pated chattering magpye? O the Saturnals! Why How now, sirrah! is it the month of December? When were you twenty, I Pray? What would this collop dropt from the gibbet, this crows-meat Be at? I'll find some or other way for Jupiter to plague thee, and Him that bred thee no better, or never let me eat a good meals-meat Again: I could, sirrah, but for the companies sake, I spare thee; tho' Either we understand not aright, or they are sots themselves that Carry no better a hand over thee; for without doubt it is true, like Master like man. I am hot by nature, and can scarce contain my self; Give me but a mess of peaseporridge, and I care not two-pence for my Mother. Very well, I shall meet thee abroad, thou mouse; nay, rather Mole-hill. May I never thrive more, but I'll drive that master of Thine into a blade of rue; nor shalt thou (so help me Hercules) 'scape Me, tho' thou couldst call in Jupiter to thy aid: I shall off with Those locks, and take thee when that trifling master of thine shall be Out of the way; thou wilt certainly fall into my hands, and either I Know not my self, or I'll make thee leave that buffoonry: Tho' thy Beard were of gold, I'll have thee bruised in a mortar, and him that First taught thee: I never studied geometry, criticism, and meer words Without sence, but I understand the fitting of stones for buildings; Can run you over a hundred things, as to metal, weight, coin, and that To a tittle; if you have a mind you and I will try it between us: I'll Lay thee a wager, thou wizard, and tho' I am wholly ignorant of Rhetorick, thou'lt presently see thou hast lost: Let no one run about The bush to me; I come up to him: Resolve me, I say, 'which of us Runs, yet stirs not out of his place: which of us grows bigger, and Yet is less.' Do you scamper? Can't you tell what to make of it, that You look so like a mouse in a trap? Therefore either hold thy tongue Or don't provoke a better man than thy self, who does not think thee Fram'd of nature, unless thou fansiest me taken with those yellow Curl'd locks, which thou hast already vowed to some who*e or other. O Lucky opportunity! Come, let's walk the exchange, and see which of us Can take up money: You'll be satisfied then, this iron has credit Upon't; a pretty thing, is it not! a drunken fox. So may I gain while I live, and die well; but the people will brain me if I follow not That coat on thy back, which is not for thy wearing, where-ever thou Goest: He's a precious tool too, whoever he were, that taught thee; a Piece of green cheese, no master. I have learn'd as well as another Man, and my master said it would be my own another day. Save your Worship! get home as fast as you can, but look well about you, and Have a care how you speak irreverently of your betters, or vie estates With them; he that does it, his purse shall feel it: For my self, that You see me as I am, I thank my stars for the art I have." Ascyltos was making answer to his railing; when Trimalchio, pleased With that good grace of speaking, "Go to," said he, "no more of this Wild talk, let us rather be pleasant: And you Hermeros, bear with the Young-man, his blood boils; be thou the soberer man; he that is Overcome in this matter, goes off conqueror: Even thy self, when thou Wert such another capon, hadst nothing but coco, coco, and no heart at All. Let us therefore, which is the better of the two, be heartily Merry, and expect some admirers of Homer, that will be here Presently." Nor were the words scarce out of his mouth, when in came a band of Men, and made a rustling with their spears and targets. Trimalchio Leaned on his pillow, the Homerists ratled out Greek verses, as Arrogantly enough, they were won't to do, and he read a Latin book with A loud voice: whereupon silence being made, "Know ye," said he, "what Fable they were upon? "Diomedes and Ganymede were two brothers, and Helen was their sister; Agamemnon stole him away, and shamm'd Diana with a hind in his room As says Homer in this place; and how the Trojans and the Parentines Fought among themselves; but at last he got the better of it, and Married his daughter Iphigenia to Achilles; on which Ajax run mad And there's an end of the tale." On this the Homerists set up a shout, and a young boiled heifer with An helmet on her head, was handed in upon a mighty charger: Ajax Followed, and with a drawn sword, as if he were mad, made at it, now In one place, then in another, still acting a Morris-dancer; till Having cut it into joints, he took them upon the point of his sword And distributed them. Nor had we much time to admire the conceit; for Of a sudden the roof gave a crack, and the whole room shook: For my Part, I got on my feet, but all in confusion, for fear some tumbler Might drop on my head; the same also were the rest of the guests; Still gaping and expecting what new thing should come from the clouds: When straight the main beams opened, and a vast circle was let down All round which hung golden garlands, and alabaster pots of sweet Ointments While we were required to take up these presents, I chanced to cast an Eye upon the table, where there lay a fresh service of cheese-cakes And tarts, and in the midst of them a lusty rundlet, stuck round with All sorts of apples and grapes, as they commonly draw that figure We greedily reached our hands towards it, when of a sudden, a new Diversion gave us fresh mirth; for all the cheese-cakes, apples and Tarts, upon the least touch, threw out a delicious liquid perfurne Which fell upon us We judging the mess to be sacred, that was so gorgeously set out Stood up and began a health to the august founder, the father of his Country: After which reverence, failing to catch that catch could, we Filled our napkins and I chiefly, who thought nothing too good for my Boy Gito During this, in came three boys in white, their coats tuck'd about Them; of whom, two set on the table three household gods with broaches About their necks, and the other bearing round us a goblet of wine Cry'd aloud, "Be the gods favourable!" "The name of this," said he "is cobler, that other's good-luck, and the third's spend-all:" And as The image of Trimalchio was carryed round, and every one kiss'd it, we Thought it a shame not to do as the rest of the company After this, when all of us had wished him health and happiness Trimalchio, turning to Niceros, "You were won't," said he, "to be a Good companion, but what's the matter we get not a word from ye now? Let me entreat ye, as you would see me happy, do not break an old Custom." Niceros, pleased with the frankness of his friend: "Let me never Thrive," said he, "if I am not ready to caper out of my skin, to see You in so good a humours; therefore what I say shall be all mirth; Tho' I am afraid those grave fopps may laugh: but let them look to 't I'll go on nevertheless; for what am I the worse for any one swearing? I had rather they laugh at what I say, than at my self." Thus when he spake---- ----he began this tale:-- "While I was yet a servant we liv'd in a narrow lane, now the house of Gavilla: There, as the gods would have it, I fell in love with Tarentius's wife; he kept an eating-house. Ye all knew Melissa Tarentina, a pretty little punching-block, and withal beautiful; but (so help me Hercules) I minded her not so much for the matter of the Point of that, as that she was good-humour'd; if I asked her any Thing, she never deny'd me; and what money I had, I trusted her with It; nor did she ever fail me when I'd occasion. It so happened, that A she-companion of hers had dy'd in the country, and she was gone Thither; how to come at her I could not tell; but a friend is seen at A dead lift; it also happened my master was gone to Capua to dispatch Somewhat or other: I laid hold of the opportunity, and persuaded mine Host to take an evenings walk of four or five miles out of town, for He was a stout fellow, and as bold as a devil: The moon shone as Bright as day, and about co*k-crowing we fell in with a burying-place And certain monument of the dead: my man loitered behind me A-star-gazing, and I sitting expecting him, fell a singing and Numbering them; when looking round me, what should I see but mine host Stript stark-naked, and his cloaths lying by the high-wayside. The Sight struck me every where, and I stood as if I had been dead; but he Piss'd round his cloaths, and of a sudden was turned to a wolf: Don't Think I jest; I value no man's estate at that rate, as to tell a lye But as I was saying, after he was turned to a wolf, he set up a howl And fled to the woods. At first I knew not where I was, till going to Take up his cloaths, I found them also turn'd to stone. Another man Would have dy'd for fear, but I drew my sword, and slaying all the Ghosts that came in my way, lighted at last on the place where my Mistress was: I entered the first door; my eyes were sunk in my head The sweat ran off me by more streams than one, and I was just Breathing my last, without thought of recovery; when my Melissa coming Up to me, began to wonder why I'd be walking so late; and 'if,' said She, 'you had come a little sooner, you might have done us a kindness; For a wolf came into the farm, and has made butchers work enough among The cattle; but tho' he got off, he has no reason to laugh, for a Servant of ours ran him through the neck with a pitchfork.' As soon as I heard her, I could not hold open my eyes any longer, and ran home by Daylight, like a vintner whose house had been robb'd: But coming by The place where the cloaths were turned to stone, I saw nothing but a Puddle of blood; and when I got home, found mine host lying a-bed like An oxe in his stall, and a chirurgeon dressing his neck. I understood Afterwards he was a fellow that could change his skin; but from that Day forward, could never eat a bit of bread with him, no, if you'd Have k**'d me. Let them that don't believe me, examine the truth of It; may your good angels plague me as I tell ye a lye." The company were all wondring, when, "Saving what you have said," Quoth Trimalchio, "if there be faith in man, my hair stands on end Because I know Niceros is no trifler; he's sure of what he says, and Not given to talking: Nay, I'll tell ye as horrible a thing my self; But see there, what's that behind the hangings? "When I was yet a long-hair'd boy, for even then I liv'd a pleasant Life, I had a minion, and he dy'd: He was (so help me Hercules) a Pearl, a paragon, nay perfection it self: But when the poor mother Lamented him, and we also were doing the same, some witches got round The house on a sudden, you'd have taken them for hounds hunting a Hare. We had then in the house a Cappadocian, a tall fellow, stout And hardy, that would not have stept an inch out of his way for Jupiter. He boldly drew his sword, and wrapping his coat about his Left arm, leaped out of the house, and as it might be here, (no hurt To the thing I touch) ran a woman clean through. We heard a pitiful Groan, but not to lye, saw none of them. Our champion came in and Threw himself on a bed, but all black and blue, so he had been trosh'd With flails; for it seems some ill hand had touched him. We shut the Door, and went on with our mourning; but the mother taking her son in Her arms, and stroaking him, found nothing but a bolster of straw; it Had neither heart, entrals, nor any thing, for the fairies belike had Stollen him out of his cradle, and left that of straw instead of him Give me credit, I beseech ye, women are craftier than we are, play Their tricks by night, and turn every thing topsy-turvy. After this Our tall fellow never came to his colour again, but in a few days died Raving-mad." We all wondred, as not doubting what he said, and kissing the table in Reverence to him, pray'd the privilege of the night, and that our Places might be kept till we returned And now we thought the lamps look'd double, and the whole room seem'd Quite another thing, when Trimalchio again, "I speak to you Plorimus Won't you come in for a share? Will ye entertain us with nothing Thou usedst to be a pleasant companion, couldst sing a song and tell a Tale with the best; but alas! alas! the sweetmeats are gone." "My Horses," said the other, "ran away with my coach, I have been troubled With the gout ever since. When I was a young fellow, I sung so long I Had well nigh brought my self into a consumption. What do ye tell me Of songs, tales, or barber shops? Who ever came near me but one, only Apelles;" and with setting his hand to his mouth, whistled out Somewhat, I know not what, which afterwards he swore was Greek Trimalchio also when he mimicked the trumpets, looked on his minion And called him Crœsus: Yet the boy was blear-eye'd, and swathing up A little black b**h with nasty teeth, and over-grown with fat, in Green swadlingclouts, he set half a loaf on the table, which she Refusing, he cram'd her with it: on which Trimalchio commanded the Guardian of his house and family, Scylax, to be brought; when Presently was led in a beautiful mastiff in a chain, who having a hint Given him by a knock of the porter's foot, lay down before the table: Whereupon Trimalchio throwing him a manchet; "There's no one," said He, "in this house of mine, loves me better than this dog." The boy Taking it in dudgeon that Scylax should be so commended, laid the b**h on the floor, and challenged the dog to have a rubber with him On this Scylax, after the manner of dogs, set up such a hideous Barking, that it fill'd the room; and snapping at him, almost rent off A brooch that hung on Crœsus's breast; nor did the scuffle end Here, for the great candle being overturn'd on the table, broke all The chrystal gla**es, and threw the scalding oil on the guests Trimalchio, not to seem concerned at the loss, kissed the boy, and Commanded him to get on his back; nor was it long e're he was a co*k-horse, and slapping his masters shoulders, and laughing, cry'd Out, "Fool, fool, and how many of them have we here?" Trimalchio thus kept under for a while, commanded a bumper to be Fill'd and given round to the waiters, with this further, that Whosoever refused it should have it poured down his collar. Thus one While we were grave, and other while merry After this came junkets and made dishes, the very remembrance of Which, if I may be believed, will not yet down with me; for there were Several cram'd hens given about under the notion of thrushes, and Goose eggs with caps upon them; which Trimalchio, nor without Ostentation press'd us to eat; adding withal, that their bones were Taken out Nor were the words scarce out of his mouth, when a beadle rapp'd at The door, and one in white, with a company of roisters following him Came in upon us: For my part I was not a little surprized; and by his Lordliness taking him for the Mayor of a town, and our selves within His liberties, was getting upon my feet. Agamemnon laught to see me So concerned, and bade me sit still; "for," said he, "this Habinas is A captain of horse, a good mason, and has a special faculty in making Monuments." Recovered again with his words, I kept my seat, and wholly fix'd my Eye on Habinas: He came in drunk, and lolling on his wife's shoulders With some garlands about him, his face all trickling down with Ointment, he seated himself at the head of the table, and Incontinently called for wine and hot water Trimalchio was pleased with the humour, and calling for a bigger Gla**, asked him what entertainment he had whence he came? "Every thing," said the other, "but thy self; for my inclination was Here; tho' (so help me Hercules) it was all well. Scissa kept a Nine-days feast for his servant Miscellus, whom he infranchised after He was dead: It is said he had a round sum in the chequer, for they Reckon he died worth 50,000 sesterces; yet this was all done in good Order; tho' every one of us were obliged to pour half his drink on the Grave." "But," said Trimalchio, "what had ye to eat?" "I'll tell ye," quoth Habinas, "as near as I can, for my memory is not so good, but that Sometimes I forget my own name: However, for the first dish we had a Goodly porker, with a garland upon him, and puddings, goose giblets Lamb-stones, sweetbreads, and gizzards round him; there were also Beets and houshold-bread of his own baking, for himself, which I would Rather have than white; it makes a man strong, and I never complain of What I like. The next was a cold tart, with excellent warm honey, and That Spanish, running upon it. I eat little of the tart, but more of The honey; I tasted also the red pulse, and lupines, by the advice of Calvus, and several apples, of which I took away two in my Handkerchief: for if I bring home nothing to my little she slave, I Shall have snubs enough: this dame of mine puts me often in mind of Her. We had also on a side-table the haunch of a bear, which Scintilla tasting ere she was aware, had like to have thrown up her Guts: I on the other hand eat a pound of it or better, for methought It tasted like boars flesh; and said I, if a bear eats a man, why may Not a man much more eat a bear? To be short, we had cream cheese Wine boil'd off to a third part, fry'd snails, chitterlings, livers Eggs, turneps, mustard, and a bowl that held a gallon. Don't disturb Me, Palamedes; there were also handled about a basket of sugar-cakes Of which we wantonly took some, and sent away the gammon of bacon But tell me Caius, I beseech you, what's the matter that Fortunata Sits not among us?" "How came you to know her?" quoth Trimalchio; "for till she has gotten her plate together, and distributed what we Leave among the servants, not a sip of any thing goes into her mouth." "But unless she sits down," replied Habinas, "I'll be gone"; and was Getting up, but that the word being four times given about for her She came at last in a greenish gown and a cherry-colour'd stomacher Beneath which might be seen her petticoat and embroidered garters; Then wiping her hands on her neckcloth, she sate on that bed whereon Scintilla the wife of Habinas was; and having given her a kiss, told Her it was in compliment to her that she was there. At length it came To this, that she took off her weighty bracelets, and shewed them to Scintilla, which she admiring, she also unbuckled her garters and a Net-work purse, which she said was of the finest gold Trimalchio observed it, and commanding all to be laid before him "See," said he, "this womans finery, and what fools our wives make us; They should be six pound and a half; yet I've another of Mercury's Making, that weighs ten": And that he might not be thought to tell a Lye, called for his gold scales, and commanded them to be weighed: Nor Had Scintilla more wit than t'other, for pulling a golden box out of Her bosom, which she called good luck, she took out of it two large Pearl pendants, giving them in like manner to Fortunata to view: "See," quoth she, "what 'tis to have a kind husband, I am sure no Woman has better." "What," said Habinas, "hast thou put the sham on Me? thou toldst me thou couldst be contented with gla** beads; and for This trick, if I had a daughter I'd cut off her ears; tho' were there No women what were the rest worth? This is to piss warm and drink Cold." Mean time the women perceiving they were toucht, twitter'd among Themselves, and being got drunk, fell to kissing one another; one Commended the mistress of the house, t'other the master: when during This chatter, Habinas stealing behind Fortunata, gave her such a toss On the bed, that her heels flew as high as her head, on which she gave A squeak or two, and finding her thighs bare, ran her head under Scintilla's smock This held a while, till Trimalchio calling for a second service to Entertain his new guests, the servants took away the tables that were Before us, and having brought others, strew'd the room with pin-dust Mixt with vermillion and saffron; and what I never saw before, the Dust of a looking-gla** ground to powder When immediately, quoth Trimalchio, "I could have been contented with Those first dishes; but since we have got other tables, we must also Have another service; and if there be any thing worth our having Bring it." On which, a spruce boy that served us with warm water, began to Imitate a nightingale; till Trimalchio giving the word, a servant that Waited on Habinas, set up another humour, and, as I believe, commanded By his master, nois'd out; "Mean time Æneas had put off to sea." Nor was there ever a harsher sound yet pierced my ears; for besides His disordered country tone, his pitiful and starvling way of Delivery, he so stufft it with scraps of verses, that even Virgil then First disrelished me; till at last so tyr'd, that he could hold no Longer; "D'ye think," said Habinas, "this boy has learn'd nothing? I Bred him with juglers that follow the fair: Nor has he his fellow Whether he humours a muliteer or a jester. This never-be-good has Abundance of wit; he's a taylor, a cook, a baker, a jack of all Trades, and but for two faults, were exact to a hair: He's Crack-brain'd, and snores in his sleep: For that cast of his eye I Value it not, he looks like Venus, and therefore his tongue is ever Running; and were that eye out he were worth the money I gave for Him." On which Scintilla interrupting him, told him he was a naughty man For not telling all his servant's good qualities: "He's a pimp," said He, "if not worse, but I'll take care he be branded for that." Trimalchio laught, and said he knew he was a Cappadocian that never Beguiled himself of any thing, and "(so help me Hercules) I commend Him for 't: when will you find such another, but Scintilla, you must Not be jealous! Believe me, and I know you too; may I so enjoy the Health you wish me, as I play'd at leap-frog so long with our boy That my master grew jealous, and sent me to dig in the country: But Hold thy tongue and I'll give thee a loaf." I marvel," said I "whether they be all mash'd together or made of loam; for in a Saturnal at Rome, my self saw the like imaginary shew of a supper." Nor had I scarce said it, when--quoth Trimalchio, "Let me so grow in Estate, not bulk, as my cook made all of this out of one hog; there is Not an excellenter fellow than himself; he shall, if he please, make Ye a poll of ling of a sows tripe; a wood-culver of fat bacon; a Turtle of a spring of pork; and a hen of a collar of brawn; and Therefore of my own fancy, I gave him a name proper to him, for he is Called Dædalus: And because he understands his business, I had Chopping-knives of the best steel brought him from Rome"; and with That, calling for them, he turn'd them over, and admiring them Offered us the liberty of trying their edge on his cheek On this came in two servants as quarrelling about their collars, at Which each of them had a large earthen pot hanging; and when Trimalchio determined the matter between them, neither of them stood To his sentence, but fell to club-law, and broke each others pots This drunken presumption put us out of order; yet casting an eye on The combatants, we saw oisters and scallops running from the pots, and Another boy receiving them in a charger, which he carried round the Guests Nor was the cook's ingenuity short of the rest, for he brought us a Dish of grill'd snails on a silver gridiron, and with a shrill Unpleasant voice, sang as he went. I am asham'd of what follow'd; For, what was never heard of till then, the boys came in with a bason Of liquid perfumes, and first binding our legs, ancles and feet, with Garlands, anointed them with it, and put the rest into the wine vessel And the lamps And now Fortunata began to dance, and Scintilla's hands went faster Than her tongue; when, quoth Trimalchio, "Sit down Philargyrus; I give Ye leave, and you Carrio, because you are a green-ribbon-man, and you Minophilus bid your comrade do the like"; what shall I say more? The Family so crowded upon us, that we were almost thrust off our beds; And who should be seated above me, but the cook who had made a goose Of a hog, all stinking of pickle and kitchen-stuff; nor yet content That he sate amongst us, he fell immediately to personate Thespis the Tragedian, and dare his master to a wager which of them two should win The prize next wrestling Trimalchio abash'd at the challenge; "My friends," said he, "even Servants are men; and however oppress'd by ill luck, s**ed the same Milk our selves did; and for mine, it shall not be long e're I make Them free without prejudice to my self: to be short, I enfranchise all Of them by my last will and testament "I give Philargus a country farm, and his she-comrade; to Carrio an Island, with a twentieth part of my moveables, a bed and its Furniture; for I make Fortunata my heiress, whom I recommend to all my Friends, and publish what I have done, to the end my family may so Love me now, as if I were dead." All thanked their master for his kindness; and he, as having forgotten Trifles, called for a copy of his will, which he read from one end to The other, the family all the while sighing and sobbing; afterwards Turning to Habinas, "Tell me, my best of friends," said he, "do you go On with my monument as I directed ye, I earnestly entreat ye, that at The feet of my statue you carve me my little b**h, as also garlands And ointments, and all the battles I have been in, that by your Kindness I may live when I am dead: Be sure too that it have an Hundred feet as it fronts the highway, and as it looks towards the Fields two hundred: I will also, that there be all sorts of fruit and Vines round my ashes, and that in great abundance: For it is a gross Mistake to furnish houses for the living, and take no care of those we Are to abide in for ever: And therefore in the first place, I will Have it engraven-- 'LET NO HEIR OF MINE PRETEND TO THIS MONUMENT.' "And that I may receive no injury after I am dead, I'll have a codicil Annext to my will, whereby I'll appoint one of my freed-men the keeper Of this monument, that the people make not a house-of-office of it Make me also, I beseech you, on this my monument, ships under full Sail, and my self in my robes sitting on the bench, with five gold Rings on my fingers, and scattering moneys among the common people; For you know I have ordered ye a funeral feast, and two-pence a-piece In money. You shall also, if you think fit, shape me some of these Beds we now sit on, and all the people making their court to me. On My right hand place my Fortunata's statue, with a dove in one hand And leading a little dog in her girdle with the other: As also my Cicero, and large wine vessels close cork'd that the wine don't run Out, and yet carve one of them as broken, and a boy weeping over it; As also a sun-dial in the middle, that whoever comes to see What's-a-clock, may read my name whether he will or no. And lastly Have a special consideration whether you think this epitaph sufficient Enough: 'HERE RESTS CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO, PATRON OF THE LEARNED. A TROOP OF HORSE WAS DECREED HIM, WITHOUT SUING FOR, AND MIGHT HAVE BEEN A SENATOR WOULD HE HAVE ACCEPTED IT. A PIOUS MAN, HONEST, VALIANT, AND TRUE TO HIS FRIEND. HE RAISED HIMSELF FROM LITTLE OR NOTHING, BUT LEFT BEHIND HIM A PRODIGIOUS ESTATE, YET NEVER HEARD A PHILOSOPHER FAREWELL TO YOU ALSO.'" This said, Trimalchio wept plentifully, Fortunata wept, Habinas wept And the whole family set up a cry as it had been his funeral; nay, I Also whin'd for company: when, quoth Trimalchio, "Since you know we Must die, why don't we live while we may? so let me live my self to See you happy; as, if we plunge our selves in the bath we shall not Repent it: At my peril be it; I'll lead the way, for this room is Grown as hot as an oven." "Say you so," quoth Habinas, "nor am I Afraid to make two days of one"; and therewith got up barefoot and Follow'd Trimalchio I on the other hand turning to Ascyltos, asked him what he thought of It, for "if I but see the bath I shall swoon away." "Let's lagg behind then," said he, "and whilst they are getting in We'll slip off in the crowd." The contrivance pleased us; and so Gito leading the way through the Portico, we came to the last gate, where a chained dog bolted upon us So furiously, that Ascyltos fell into the fishpond. I, who had been Frighted at the painted dog, and now gotten as drunk as Ascyltos While I endeavoured to get hold of him, fell in my self; at last the Porter's coming in saved us, for he quieted the dog and drew us out; But Gito, like a sharp rascal, delivered himself, for whatever had Been given him at supper to carry home with him, he threw it the dog And that mollified him But, when shivering with cold, we desired the porter to let us out: "You're mistaken," said he, "if ye think to go out the same way ye Came in, for no guest ere yet did; they came in at one gate and are Let out by another." In this sad pickle, what should we do? we found ourselves in a new Kind of labyrinth, and for bathing, we'd enough of it already: However, necessity enforcing us, we pray'd him to show us the way to The bath: and Gito having hung out our cloaths a drying in the porch We entred the bath, which was somewhat narrow, and sunk in the earth Not unlike a rainwater cistern; in this stood Trimalchio stark-naked: Nor could we avoid his filthy tricks; for he said, nothing was better Than to bathe in a crowd; and that every place had in times past been A grinding-house. Being weary at length, he sate down, and provok'd By the noisiness of the bath, set up his drunken throat, and fell a Murdering some songs of Menecrates, as they that understood him told Us Other guests ran round the cistern with their arms across, and made a Clamorous slap with their mouths; others either try'd to take up a Ring from the pavement, with their hands bound behind them, or putting One knee to the ground, to kiss their great toes backward While they thus entertained one another, we went into the hot-house That had been heated for Trimalchio; and being now recovered of our Drunkenness, were brought into another room, where Fortunata had set Out a fresh entertainment. Above the lamps I observed some women's Gewgaws. The tables were ma**y silver, the earthen ware double gilt And a conduit running with wine; when, quoth Trimalchio, "This day, my Friends, a servant of mine opened a barber's shop; he's well to pa** A thrifty fellow, and a favourite of mine: Come, let the floor have a Drink as well as our selves; and for our part, we'll sit to it till Day-light." While he was yet speaking, a co*k crow'd, at which Trimalchio grew Disordered, and commanded the wine to be thrown under table, and Sprinkle the larnps with it; then changing a ring to his right hand "it is not for nothing," said he, "this trumpeter has given us notice; For either the house should be on fire, or one of the neighbourhood Will k** himself: Far from us be it, and therefore, whoever brings me This discoverer I'll give him a reward." When immediately a co*k was brought in, and Trimalchio, commanding to Have him drest he was torn in pieces by that exquisite cook, who a Little before had make us fish and fowl of a hog, and put in a Stew-pan, and while Dædalus was taking a lusty draught, Fortunata Ground pepper After which Trimalchio taking some of the banquet, bid the waiters go To supper, and let others supply their places Whereupon came in another rank of servants, and as the former going Cry'd out, "Farewell, Caius," those coming in cry'd out, "Sit thou Merry, Caius." And here our mirth first began to be disturb'd; for a beautiful boy Coming in among those new servants, Trimalchio plucked the boy to him And did nothing but kiss him over and over: Whereupon Fortunata to Maintain her right, began to rail at Trimalchio, called him pitiful Fellow, one that could not bridle his lust, shame and dishonour to an Honest woman, and a very dog. Trimalchio on the other hand, all Confounded and vex'd at her taunts, threw a goblet at her head: She Fell a roaring as if she had lost an eye, and clapt both her hands Before it Scintilla also stood amazed, and covered Fortunata all trembling as She was, in her bosom; the boy also put a cold pitcher to her cheek On which she leaned and made a lamentable wailing and blubbing But Trimalchio quite contrary; "for," said he, "what am I the better For this graceless bu*tock? 'Tis well known I took her out of a Bawdy-house, and made her an honest woman, but now blown up like a Frog she bespatters herself; a very block, no woman: But this poor boy Born in a hovel, never dreams of palaces. May my good genius so Befriend me, as I'll bring down this seeming saint, but in her actions A who*e rampant: As inconsiderable as she makes me, I might have had a Wife with two hundred and fifty pistols; you know I don't lye; but she Was somewhat in years, and Agatho the sweet oilman, persuaded me not To let my name run out, when instead of doing good to her, I have put A thorn in my own foot: but I'll have a care that she dig me not out Of my grave with her nails: And that she may know what I'll do at Present, I will not, Habinas, have you put her statue in my monument That I have no words with her when I am dead: Nay, that she may know I Am able to plague her, she shall not so much as kiss me when I die." After this ratling, Habinas entreated him to give over his anger; "There's none of us all," said he, "but some time or other does amiss; We are but men, not gods." Weeping Scintilla said the same, called Him Caius, and by his own good nature, besought him to be pacified Trimalchio not able to hold tears any longer, "I beg of you, Habinas," Said he, "and as you wish to enjoy what you have gotten, if I have Done any thing without cause, spit in my face: I kiss'd the boy 'tis True, not for his beauty, but that he's a hopeful thrifty lad: He has Several sentences by heart, can read a book at first sight; saves Money out of his days provision; has a binn of his own to keep it, and Two drinking cups; and does he not deserve to be in my eye? but Fortunata, forsooth, will not have it so; your bandy legs won't away With it. Be content with your own, thou she-kite, and don't disquiet Me, thou harlotry, or otherwise thou'lt find what I am; thou knowest Well enough, if I once set on't, 'tis immoveable. But we'll remember The living "Come, my friends, let's see how merry ye can be, for in my time I Have been no better than your selves, but by my own industry I am what I am: 'Tis the heart makes a man, all the rest is but stuff. I buy Cheap and sell dear; another man may sell ye other things, but I enjoy My self; and thou dunghillraker, are thou yet gruntling, I'll make ye Hereafter do it for somewhat "But as I was saying my frugality brought the fortune I have: I came Out of Asia no taller than this candlestick, and daily measured my Self by it: and that I might get a beard the sooner, rubb'd my lips With the candle-grease; yet I kept Ganymede to my master fourteen Years (nor is any thing dishonourable that the master commands) and The same time contented my mistress: Ye know what I mean, I'll say no More, for I am no boaster. By this means, as the gods would have it The governing the house was committed to me, and nothing was done but By my guidance: What need many words? He made me joint-heir with Cæsar, and I had by it a Senator's estate; but no man thinks he has Enough, and I had a mighty desire to turn merchant. Not to detain you Longer; I built five ships, freighted them with wines, which at that Time were as dear as gold, and sent them to Rome; you'll think I Desir'd to have it so: All my ships founder'd at sea; 'tis a great Truth, no story; Neptune swallowed me in one day three hundred Thousand sesterties. Do ye think I broke upon 't, (so help me Hercules) no; the loss was but a flea-bite: For, as if there had been No such thing, I built others, larger, better, and more fortunate than The former; so that every one called me a man of courage. As you know A great ship carries a great deal of force, I loaded them again with Wine, bacon, beans, unguents, planes: And here Fortunata shewed her Affection; for she sold what she had; nay, her very cloaths, and put a Round sum in my pocket; tho' yet it was but a pig of my own sow. What The gods will is quickly done; I got an hundred thousand sesterties by The voyage, and forthwith redeemed the lands my patron had left me Built me a house, bought cattle to sell them again, and whatever I Went about gathered like a snow-ball: But when I grew richer than all The country besides, I took up; and from a merchant turn'd usurer, and Bought servants "Thus resolved to give over trading, a certain astrologer that chanc'd To light on this village, would have persuaded me to the contrary. He Was a Græcian, his name Sœrapa, one that held correspondence With the gods. He told me a deal that I had forgotten, and laid Everything before me from top to bottom: He knew all I had within me And told me what I had the night before to supper; you'd have thought He had liv'd with me all his life "I beseech you, Habinas, for I think you was there; he told me the Intrigue between my mistress and me; that I had but ill luck at Friends; that no one ever made me a return of my kindnesses: That I Had large possessions, but nourished a viper in my bosom: Why should I Not tell you all? I have by his account, thirty years, four months And two days yet to live; and in a short time shall have another Estate left me "Thus my fortune-teller. But if I can join my lands here to those in Apulia, I shall do well enough: in the mean, and while Mercury is my Guardian, I have built this house: it was once you know, a pitiful Cabin, but now as magnificent as a temple: it has four dining rooms Twenty bed-chambers two marble porticoes, a gallery above stairs, my Own apartment, another for this viper; a very good porter's lodge, and The house capable of receiving a thousand guests: To be short, when Ever Scaurus comes this way, he had rather lodge here than at his own House, tho' it lie to the seaward: and many other conveniences it has Which I'll shew you by and by. Believe me, he that has a penny in his Purse, is worth a penny: Have and you shall be esteemed. And so your Friend, once no better than a frog, is now a king "And now Stichus bring me the furniture in which I design to be Carried to my funeral pile; bring also the unguent, and some of that Pot, which I ordered for the cleansing my bones." Stichus lingered not, but brought in a white coverlet, and robe of State, and pray'd us to try if they were not fine wooll, and well Woven. "And see you Stichus," said Trimalchio smiling, "that neither Mice nor moths come at them, for if they do I'll burn you alive. I Will be brought out in pomp, that all the people may speak well of Me." With that opening a gla** bottle of spicknard, he caused us all to be Anointed; and "I hope," said he, "it will do as much good when I am Dead, as it does while I am living": Then commanding the wine vessels To be filled again; "Fausie," said he, "you are invited to my funeral Feast." We by this time nauseated, were ready to vomit; Trimalchio Also was gotten confoundedly drunk, when behold, a new interlude; he Called for the coronets to come in; and, underset with pillows, and Stretching himself at length on the bed, "suppose me," said he, "now Dead, say somewhat, I beseech you, in praise of me." Whereupon the coronets sounded as it had been at a funeral; but one Above the rest, a servant of that freed-man of Trimalchio's, that was Best condition'd of 'em all, made such a thundring, that it rais'd the Neighbourhood: On which the watch thinking the house was on fire Broke open the gate, and making an uproar after their manner, ran in With water and hatchets: When finding so fair an opportunity, we gave Agamemnon the slip, and scamper'd off, as if it had been a real fire