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[MR WORMWOOD] Somewhere, on a show, I heard That a picture tells a thousand words So, telly, if you bothered to take a look Is the equivalent of, like . . . lots of books! All I know, I learnt from telly This big beautiful box of facts If you know a thing already Baby, you can switch the channel over just like that Endless joy and endless laughter Folks living happily ever after All you need to make you wise Is twenty-three minutes plus advertisements Why would we waste our energy Turning the pages, one, two, three? When we can sit comfortably On our lovely bumferlies Watching people singing, and talking, and doing stuff? All I know, I learnt from telly The bigger the telly, the smarter the man You can tell from my big telly Just how clever of a fellow I am! Take it away, son (hesitant ukulele notes) [MR WORMWOOD] You can't learn that from a stupid book! All I know, I learnt from telly What to think and what to buy I was pretty smart already But now I'm really, really smart, very very smart Endless content, endless channels Endless chat on endless panels All you need to fill your muffin Without having to really fink or nuffin Why would we waste our energy Trying to work out "ooh"-lysses? When we can sit happily on our lovely bapperlies Watching slightly famous people talking to really famous people? All I know I learnt from telly The bigger the telly, the smarter the man You can tell from my big telly Just how clever of a fellow I am Who the Dickens is Charles Dickens? Mary Shelley? Cor, she sounds smelly Charlotte Bronte? Do not want-y! Jane Austin? In the compostin' James Joyce? He doesn't sound noice Ewen McEwan? Ugh, I feel like spewin' William Shakespeare? Schwilliam Schmakespeare Moby Dick? (titters) Hey, easy, grandma! All together, now! All I know, I learnt from telly! The bigger the telly, the smarter the man You can tell from my big telly What a very clever fellow I am! All right! Is it just me or am I amazing?