Emancipator - Jacaranda Leaves lyrics

[Intro] Everything that's alive grows from a tiny seed You know the little tomato seeds you and Nancy planted in your garden? And how they grew into nice, red tomatoes? (Yeah) Well, it's like this... [Verse one] He's fed up with all of this bullsh** Got a full clip and a finger on the trigger about to pull it Like "Motherf**er, I be the coldest The temperature of my heart is lower than any winter solstice" Sometimes when he smokes an L He thinks to himself: “If I had coke to rail would I be broke as hell? Or going to jail? Begging my friends to pay whatever price they posted for the bail? I don't want to be alone in a cell I'm a ghost in a shell" These thoughts haunt you, but no one can tell And nobody knows how you feel When you're as heavy-hearted as he is You keep those inner woes to yourself My life is a blessing within a curse So I best be the first to admit it, lest we converse And you have to figure out the hard way That I don't live the life of the party I only partake when y'all bombard me With invitations to leave the house and go smoke the trees But I've got more important things to think about These people a**ume that with my music I'm happy I didn't choose this The only reason I do it is 'cause it's therapeutic I want to stop but to tell you the truth, I'm addicted to it When pain comes it's the only thing that can get me through it Now I write songs not for the enjoyment I'm the sunburn and that sh** is the f**ing ointment But it's also my poison It's poised and pointed to fill me with disappointment The second I feel the pendulum spiraling out of orbit ‘Cause I'm bound by the flesh Drowning in the depths of a black abyss On my back, floundering for breath (Bad trips) They keep the pulse pounding in the chest Concentrate and try to make it through without a scratch I'm a shadow of my former self Not the image of a man but a portrait of hell Burning within you [Interlude] Now, remember how I told you the hen lays an egg? When the baby grows up to be an old man and dies, they bury his body in the ground But his soul... [Verse two] "I can't even look in the mirror anymore, it disgusts me All I see is a monster, someone I don't want to be When I lie to a family that's done nothing but love me And look after me I feel the mask of my sanity rupturing How am I supposed to look my little sister in the eye And tell her everything is fine? (Hypocrisy) And the worst part of it all Is she can see right through that dishonestly woven web to my core being Why do I entertain the black widow spider in me? Why do I have to get high every god damn night of the week? What kind of example am I setting for literally The one person in life who looks up to me? Trusts me?" His thoughts are so scattered God, it's so tragic He's got no standards to stop him from going back To his lucid, self-destructive old habits "Don't try to talk him out of it, doc' He won't have it ‘Cause right now it feels like he's lost the only talent That he tricked himself into believing that he had in high school When he got to college it all vanished And for the first time in his life he felt stranded Look, calm down, Dante Don't panic We'll find a way to use these cards to our advantage We always do When we look back, we'll be laughing in the rear view With the train engine growling Smoke piling Abandon the Black Hawk flatlands of Nebraska Where flashbacks seem to run rampant You're exhausted Travel saddleback for as long as you think is possible Finish that novel that you always seem to talk about And don't respond when they try to get you to hollow out There's nothing left for them to offer us You know that now I'd rather see you live in solitude And have a chance at rebuilding your life than watch it fall to ruin" [Chorus] (If I died tonight) Would I be satisfied with my life today? (If I died tonight) Would they still hear my voice from beyond the grave? (If I died tonight) Would I be satisfied with my life today? (If I died tonight) Could my words touch your life from beyond the grave? (If I died tonight) Would I be satisfied with my life today? (If I died tonight) Would you still hear my voice from beyond the grave? From beyond the grave From beyond the grave [Verse three] I remember being in the fourth grade Writing like a madman in my world of fantasy and cyberspace To make a storyline unravel through my poorly worded novels Then record them shortly after This balance was in the world when I was younger The heart is a lonely hunter but I'm no Carson McCullers (No) The Singer to my Antonopoulos Visiting hours grow shorter as I walk with him I think about this as the train rumbles off Thick smog in its wake, a chilly Yoknapatawpha wind Relationships change and it gets harder to maintain Authentic dialogue is impossible But things aren't the same as when I started I hear so much rage in my own product That I'm not even proud of it anymore I'm ashamed of my every sonnet How they haunt me and keep me from moving on The toll it takes on my conscience is enormous A result of the transformation I went through while in college Though I promised myself that I'd be unwaveringly honest Enough for the poems to truly reflect the man behind them It's like Stephen Daedalus in A Portrait of the Artist Only I'm David Robson leaving Texas instead of Ireland It's the first day of autumn The wildlife is silent The farmers have abandoned their crops and traveled northward It gives the land a certain calmness As if the whole world's holding its breath for a moment I never did finish that novel The train no longer runs and the asylum is vacant I don't remember why they closed it But I know the influenza notice still sits in my desk drawer “Es semper obseratum” I heard a rumor from a black-capped chickadee That nothing of great importance is ever truly lost It's been said that up north in Dunnet Landing there's an island If you look hard enough for it, you might find him But as for me, I'll be tending to my garden On a plot of land that overlooks a peaceful reservoir As the breeze gets colder Watching as the jacarandas start to shed their color When the last leaf falls It reminds me of survival, inspires me to be stronger Every tree in the forest becomes an outstretched palm