Edith Wharton - Summer (Chap. 8) lyrics

SHE had lost the sense of time, and did not know how late it was till she came out into the street and saw that all the windows were dark between Miss Hatchard's and the Royall house. As she pa**ed from under the black pall of the Norway spruces she fancied she saw two figures in the shade about the duck-pond. She drew back and watched; but nothing moved, and she had stared so long into the lamp-lit room that the darkness confused her, and she thought she must have been mistaken. She walked on, wondering whether Mr. Royall was still in the porch. In her exalted mood she did not greatly care whether he was waiting for her or not: she seemed to be floating high over life, on a great cloud of misery beneath which every-day realities had dwindled to mere specks in space. But the porch was empty, Mr. Royall's hat hung on its peg in the pa**age, and the kitchen lamp had been left to light her to bed. She took it and went up. The morning hours of the next day dragged by without incident. Charity had imagined that, in some way or other, she would learn whether Harney had already left; but Verena's deafness prevented her being a source of news, and no one came to the house who could bring enlightenment. Mr. Royall went out early, and did not return till Verena had set the table for the midday meal. When he came in he went straight to the kitchen and shouted to the old woman: “Ready for dinner——” then he turned into the dining-room, where Charity was already seated. Harney's plate was in its usual place, but Mr. Royall offered no explanation of his absence, and Charity asked none. The feverish exaltation of the night before had dropped, and she said to herself that he had gone away, indifferently, almost callously, and that now her life would lapse again into the narrow rut out of which he had lifted it. For a moment she was inclined to sneer at herself for not having used the arts that might have kept him. She sat at table till the meal was over, lest Mr. Royall should remark on her leaving; but when he stood up she rose also, without waiting to help Verena. She had her foot on the stairs when he called to her to come back. “I've got a headache. I'm going up to lie down.” “I want you should come in here first; I've got something to say to you.” She was sure from his tone that in a moment she would learn what every nerve in her ached to know; but as she turned back she made a last effort of indifference. Mr. Royall stood in the middle of the office, his thick eyebrows beetling, his lower jaw trembling a little. At first she thought he had been drinking; then she saw that he was sober, but stirred by a deep and stern emotion totally unlike his usual transient angers. And suddenly she understood that, until then, she had never really noticed him or thought about him. Except on the occasion of his one offense he had been to her merely the person who is always there, the unquestioned central fact of life, as inevitable but as uninteresting as North Dormer itself, or any of the other conditions fate had laid on her. Even then she had regarded him only in relation to herself, and had never speculated as to his own feelings, beyond instinctively concluding that he would not trouble her again in the same way. But now she began to wonder what he was really like. He had grasped the back of his chair with both hands, and stood looking hard at her. At length he said: “Charity, for once let's you and me talk together like friends.” Instantly she felt that something had happened, and that he held her in his hand. “Where is Mr. Harney? Why hasn't he come back? Have you sent him away?” she broke out, without knowing what she was saying. The change in Mr. Royall frightened her. All the blood seemed to leave his veins and against his swarthy pallor the deep lines in his face looked black. “Didn't he have time to answer some of those questions last night? You was with him long enough!” he said. Charity stood speechless. The taunt was so unrelated to what had been happening in her soul that she hardly understood it. But the instinct of self-defense awoke in her. “Who says I was with him last night?” “The whole place is saying it by now.” “Then it was you that put the lie into their mouths.—Oh, how I've always hated you!” she cried. She had expected a retort in kind, and it startled her to hear her exclamation sounding on through silence. “Yes, I know,” Mr. Royall said slowly. “But that ain't going to help us much now.” “It helps me not to care a straw what lies you tell about me!” “If they're lies, they're not my lies: my Bible oath on that, Charity. I didn't know where you were: I wasn't out of this house last night.” She made no answer and he went on: “Is it a lie that you were seen coming out of Miss Hatchard's nigh onto midnight?” She straightened herself with a laugh, all her reckless insolence recovered. “I didn't look to see what time it was.” “You lost girl... you... you.... Oh, my God, why did you tell me?” he broke out, dropping into his chair, his head bowed down like an old man's. Charity's self-possession had returned with the sense of her danger. “Do you suppose I'd take the trouble to lie to YOU? Who are you, anyhow, to ask me where I go to when I go out at night?” Mr. Royall lifted his head and looked at her. His face had grown quiet and almost gentle, as she remembered seeing it sometimes when she was a little girl, before Mrs. Royall died. “Don't let's go on like this, Charity. It can't do any good to either of us. You were seen going into that fellow's house... you were seen coming out of it.... I've watched this thing coming, and I've tried to stop it. As God sees me, I have....” “Ah, it WAS you, then? I knew it was you that sent him away!” He looked at her in surprise. “Didn't he tell you so? I thought he understood.” He spoke slowly, with difficult pauses, “I didn't name you to him: I'd have cut my hand off sooner. I just told him I couldn't spare the horse any longer; and that the cooking was getting too heavy for Verena. I guess he's the kind that's heard the same thing before. Anyhow, he took it quietly enough. He said his job here was about done, anyhow; and there didn't another word pa** between us.... If he told you otherwise he told you an untruth.” Charity listened in a cold trance of anger. It was nothing to her what the village said... but all this fingering of her dreams! “I've told you he didn't tell me anything. I didn't speak with him last night.” “You didn't speak with him?” “No.... It's not that I care what any of you say... but you may as well know. Things ain't between us the way you think... and the other people in this place. He was kind to me; he was my friend; and all of a sudden he stopped coming, and I knew it was you that done it—YOU!” All her unreconciled memory of the past flamed out at him. “So I went there last night to find out what you'd said to him: that's all.” Mr. Royall drew a heavy breath. “But, then—if he wasn't there, what were you doing there all that time?—Charity, for pity's sake, tell me. I've got to know, to stop their talking.” This pathetic abdication of all authority over her did not move her: she could feel only the outrage of his interference. “Can't you see that I don't care what anybody says? It's true I went there to see him; and he was in his room, and I stood outside for ever so long and watched him; but I dursn't go in for fear he'd think I'd come after him....” She felt her voice breaking, and gathered it up in a last defiance. “As long as I live I'll never forgive you!” she cried. Mr. Royall made no answer. He sat and pondered with sunken head, his veined hands clasped about the arms of his chair. Age seemed to have come down on him as winter comes on the hills after a storm. At length he looked up. “Charity, you say you don't care; but you're the proudest girl I know, and the last to want people to talk against you. You know there's always eyes watching you: you're handsomer and smarter than the rest, and that's enough. But till lately you've never given them a chance. Now they've got it, and they're going to use it. I believe what you say, but they won't.... It was Mrs. Tom Fry seen you going in... and two or three of them watched for you to come out again.... You've been with the fellow all day long every day since he come here... and I'm a lawyer, and I know how hard slander dies.” He paused, but she stood motionless, without giving him any sign of acquiescence or even of attention. “He's a pleasant fellow to talk to—I liked having him here myself. The young men up here ain't had his chances. But there's one thing as old as the hills and as plain as daylight: if he'd wanted you the right way he'd have said so.” Charity did not speak. It seemed to her that nothing could exceed the bitterness of hearing such words from such lips. Mr. Royall rose from his seat. “See here, Charity Royall: I had a shameful thought once, and you've made me pay for it. Isn't that score pretty near wiped out?... There's a streak in me I ain't always master of; but I've always acted straight to you but that once. And you've known I would—you've trusted me. For all your sneers and your mockery you've always known I loved you the way a man loves a decent woman. I'm a good many years older than you, but I'm head and shoulders above this place and everybody in it, and you know that too. I slipped up once, but that's no reason for not starting again. If you'll come with me I'll do it. If you'll marry me we'll leave here and settle in some big town, where there's men, and business, and things doing. It's not too late for me to find an opening.... I can see it by the way folks treat me when I go down to Hepburn or Nettleton....” Charity made no movement. Nothing in his appeal reached her heart, and she thought only of words to wound and wither. But a growing la**itude restrained her. What did anything matter that he was saying? She saw the old life closing in on her, and hardly heeded his fanciful picture of renewal. “Charity—Charity—say you'll do it,” she heard him urge, all his lost years and wasted pa**ion in his voice. “Oh, what's the use of all this? When I leave here it won't be with you.” She moved toward the door as she spoke, and he stood up and placed himself between her and the threshold. He seemed suddenly tall and strong, as though the extremity of his humiliation had given him new vigour. “That's all, is it? It's not much.” He leaned against the door, so towering and powerful that he seemed to fill the narrow room. “Well, then look here.... You're right: I've no claim on you—why should you look at a broken man like me? You want the other fellow... and I don't blame you. You picked out the best when you seen it... well, that was always my way.” He fixed his stern eyes on her, and she had the sense that the struggle within him was at its highest. “Do you want him to marry you?” he asked. They stood and looked at each other for a long moment, eye to eye, with the terrible equality of courage that sometimes made her feel as if she had his blood in her veins. “Do you want him to—say? I'll have him here in an hour if you do. I ain't been in the law thirty years for nothing. He's hired Carrick Fry's team to take him to Hepburn, but he ain't going to start for another hour. And I can put things to him so he won't be long deciding.... He's soft: I could see that. I don't say you won't be sorry afterward—but, by God, I'll give you the chance to be, if you say so.” She heard him out in silence, too remote from all he was feeling and saying for any sally of scorn to relieve her. As she listened, there flitted through her mind the vision of Liff Hyatt's muddy boot coming down on the white bramble-flowers. The same thing had happened now; something transient and exquisite had flowered in her, and she had stood by and seen it trampled to earth. While the thought pa**ed through her she was aware of Mr. Royall, still leaning against the door, but crestfallen, diminished, as though her silence were the answer he most dreaded. “I don't want any chance you can give me: I'm glad he's going away,” she said. He kept his place a moment longer, his hand on the door-knob. “Charity!” he pleaded. She made no answer, and he turned the knob and went out. She heard him fumble with the latch of the front door, and saw him walk down the steps. He pa**ed out of the gate, and his figure, stooping and heavy, receded slowly up the street. For a while she remained where he had left her. She was still trembling with the humiliation of his last words, which rang so loud in her ears that it seemed as though they must echo through the village, proclaiming her a creature to lend herself to such vile suggestions. Her shame weighed on her like a physical oppression: the roof and walls seemed to be closing in on her, and she was seized by the impulse to get away, under the open sky, where there would be room to breathe. She went to the front door, and as she did so Lucius Harney opened it. He looked graver and less confident than usual, and for a moment or two neither of them spoke. Then he held out his hand. “Are you going out?” he asked. “May I come in?” Her heart was beating so violently that she was afraid to speak, and stood looking at him with tear-dilated eyes; then she became aware of what her silence must betray, and said quickly: “Yes: come in.” She led the way into the dining-room, and they sat down on opposite sides of the table, the cruet-stand and japanned bread-basket between them. Harney had laid his straw hat on the table, and as he sat there, in his easy-looking summer clothes, a brown tie knotted under his flannel collar, and his smooth brown hair brushed back from his forehead, she pictured him, as she had seen him the night before, lying on his bed, with the tossed locks falling into his eyes, and his bare throat rising out of his unbu*toned shirt. He had never seemed so remote as at the moment when that vision flashed through her mind. “I'm so sorry it's good-bye: I suppose you know I'm leaving,” he began, abruptly and awkwardly; she guessed that he was wondering how much she knew of his reasons for going. “I presume you found your work was over quicker than what you expected,” she said. “Well, yes—that is, no: there are plenty of things I should have liked to do. But my holiday's limited; and now that Mr. Royall needs the horse for himself it's rather difficult to find means of getting about.” “There ain't any too many teams for hire around here,” she acquiesced; and there was another silence. “These days here have been—awfully pleasant: I wanted to thank you for making them so,” he continued, his colour rising. She could not think of any reply, and he went on: “You've been wonderfully kind to me, and I wanted to tell you.... I wish I could think of you as happier, less lonely.... Things are sure to change for you by and by....” “Things don't change at North Dormer: people just get used to them.” The answer seemed to break up the order of his prearranged consolations, and he sat looking at her uncertainly. Then he said, with his sweet smile: “That's not true of you. It can't be.” The smile was like a knife-thrust through her heart: everything in her began to tremble and break loose. She felt her tears run over, and stood up. “Well, good-bye,” she said. She was aware of his taking her hand, and of feeling that his touch was lifeless. “Good-bye.” He turned away, and stopped on the threshold. “You'll say good-bye for me to Verena?” She heard the closing of the outer door and the sound of his quick tread along the path. The latch of the gate clicked after him. The next morning when she arose in the cold dawn and opened her shutters she saw a freckled boy standing on the other side of the road and looking up at her. He was a boy from a farm three or four miles down the Creston road, and she wondered what he was doing there at that hour, and why he looked so hard at her window. When he saw her he crossed over and leaned against the gate unconcernedly. There was no one stirring in the house, and she threw a shawl over her night-gown and ran down and let herself out. By the time she reached the gate the boy was sauntering down the road, whistling carelessly; but she saw that a letter had been thrust between the slats and the crossbar of the gate. She took it out and hastened back to her room. The envelope bore her name, and inside was a leaf torn from a pocket-diary. DEAR CHARITY: I can't go away like this. I am staying for a few days at Creston River. Will you come down and meet me at Creston pool? I will wait for you till evening.