Denis Leary - Asshole lyrics

Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream About me, about you About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests About that special feeling we get in the co*kles of our hearts Maybe below the co*kles, Maybe in the sub co*kle area, Maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys, Maybe even in the colon, we don't know I'm just a regular Joe, with a regular job I'm your average white, suburbanite slob I like football and p**no and books about war I got an average house, with a nice hardwood floor My wife and my job, my kids and my car My feet on my table, and a Cuban cigar But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested (Oh no, no way, uh uh) No I gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense (Whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) I drive really slow in the ultra fast lane While people behind me are going insane I'm an a**hole (he's an a**hole, what an a**hole) I'm an a**hole (he's an a**hole, such an a**hole) I use public toilets and I piss on the seat I walk around in the summer time saying "how about this heat?" I'm an a**hole (he's an a**hole, what an a**hole) I'm an a**hole (he's the world's biggest a**hole) Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces While handicapped people make handicapped faces I'm an a**hole (he's an a**hole, what an a**hole) I'm an a**hole (he's a real f**ing a**hole) Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song Ranting and raving and carrying on Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong... Nah I'm an a**hole (he's an a**hole, what an a**hole) I'm an a**hole (he's the world's biggest a**hole) You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible Hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps And all leather cow interior And big brown baby seal eyes for head lights (yeah) And I'm gonna drive in that baby at 115 miles per hour Gettin' 1 mile per gallon, s**ing down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald's In the old fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers And when I'm done s**ing down those greaseball burgers I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag And then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side And there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it You know why, because we've got the bomb, that's why Two words, nuclear f**ing weapons, OK? Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want They can have a big democracy cakewalk Right through the middle of Tiananmen Square And it won't make a lick of difference Because we've got the bombs, OK? John Wayne's not dead, he's frozen And as soon as we find a cure for cancer We're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off You know why Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well multiply that by 15 million times That's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be! I'm gonna get the Duke, and John Ca**avetes And Lee Marvin, and Sam Peckinpah, and a case of whiskey And drive down to Texas and (Hey! You know, you really are an a**hole!) Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal? I'm an a**hole (he's an a**hole, what an a**hole) I'm an a**hole (he's the world's biggest a**hole) A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody A-S-S-H-O-L-E I'm an a**hole and I'm proud of it