David X. Cohen - Space Pilot 3000 lyrics

Over the caption December 31st 1999 a crude spaceship flies through space, cruising over and under planets and a man speaks. MAN: (V.O.): Space. It seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and the gorilla starts throwing barrels at you. A planet opens up and a huge gorilla starts throwing barrels at the spaceship. It dodges a few but one hits it and it explodes. The gorilla thumps its chest and "Game Over" flashes on the screen. The spaceship and gorilla aren't real and the man, Fry, was playing an arcade game called "Monkey Fracas Jr". He is in his mid-20s, wears a red jacket and has orange hair with two distinct forks at the front. There is a little kid standing next to him. The game is against the wall in a pizzeria called Panucci's Pizza. FRY: And that's how you play the game! KID: You stink, loser! Mr Panucci, a middle-aged balding man wearing a vest, leans over the counter with a pizza box. PANUCCI: Hey, Fry. Pizza goin' out! C'mon!! Fry sighs, takes the pizza from him and walks out. New York Street. Fry cycles past people enjoying their New Millennium Eve. A cab pulls up and he sees his girlfriend inside. FRY: Michelle, baby! Where you going? MICHELLE: It's not working out, Fry. I put your stuff out on the sidewalk! Time Lapse. Fry is still on his bike getting more and more depressed. FRY: I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life. Cut to: Outside Applied Cryogenics. He stops outside a building and locks up his bike. A man sneaks up behind him, cuts the chain and steals his bike. BIKE THIEF: Happy new year! Applied Cryogenics. Fry steps out of the elevator on the 64th floor. He knocks on a door marked Applied Cryogenics. A sign underneath indicates No Power Failures Since 199[7]. No one opens the door so Fry goes in. Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. The room is empty and there are no lights on. Strange pods about 6ft tall line one of the walls. There are a few other machines around the room and a desk and a chair in the middle of the room. Fry wipes some condensation from a window on one of the pods, revealing the face of an inanimate man inside. He turns around. FRY: Hello? Pizza delivery for...I. C. Wiener?! Aw, crud! I always thought at this point in my life I'd be the one making the crank calls! Here's to another lousy millennium. He unenthusiastically raises his hand and toasts. Cut to: Times Square. Crowds have gathered for the countdown. 10 appears on a huge screen. CROWD: Ten! [Cut to: Paris. A screen on the Eiffel Tower displays 9.] CROWD: Neuf! Cut to: Vatican City. The Pope holds up a sign with "VIII" on it. CROWD: Otto! Cut to: Egypt. Egyptians crowd around the pyramids. CROWD: Sabaa! Cut to: Athens. People are gathered around the Parthenon. CROWD: Eksi! Cut to: Great Wall Of China. CROWD: Wu! Cut to: Taj Mahal. CROWD: Chaar! Cut to: African Village. CROWD: Thathu! Cut to: Tokyo. A screen displays 2. CROWD: Wu! From space the whole planet sees in the new millennium. CROWD: One! Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. Fry unenthusiastically blows a party blower and starts losing his balance on the chair. It tips back. Fry waves his arms around trying to regain his balance. As he falls he doesn't see the shadow of a small creature under the desk. The chair tips back and Fry falls off it and rolls backwards into cryogenic freezer number 40. The dial on the machine automatically sets itself for 1000 years. FRY: What the? He looks around and screams. In a flash he is frozen in time. Time Lapse. Days and nights and eventually years pa** à la The Time Machine as he stays locked in the freezer. Civilisation is destroyed by aliens twice until eventually huge buildings spring up around Applied Cryogenics. The timer stops 1000 years later and the door opens. Fry is unfrozen. Initially disorientated, he stumbles around and notices something to his right. He presses his face against a large window and stares in awe. FRY: My God! It's the future. My parents, my co-workers, my girlfriend. I'll never see any of them again. Yahoo! Opening Credits. Caption: In Color. Cryogenics Lab. Fry is still looking out of the window. The door opens and two shadows walk in. MAN: (dramatically) Welcome to the world of tomorrow! The other shadow turns on the light. They are lab technicians both wearing white lab coats. The dramatic one is called Terry. He is a blonde Caucasian with large gla**es. The other is called Lou, a black haired Asian. LOU: Why do you always have to say it that way? TERRY: Haven't you ever heard of a little thing called showmanship? (dramatically) Come, your destiny awaits! Applied Cryogenics Corridor. The technicians leave Fry outside the Fate Assignment Officer's office. LOU: Have a nice future. The door slides open. FRY: Cool! Just like in Star Trek! Ow! Cut to: Fate Assignment Officer's Office. A woman wearing a black uniform stands with her back to Fry looking at a clipboard. She has purple hair held up in a ponytail. WOMAN: Good afternoon, sir. Name? FRY: Uh, Fry. WOMAN: I'm Leela. Now it's New Year's Eve so I'd like to decide your fate quickly and get out of here. FRY: Can I ask you a question? LEELA: As long as it's not about my eye. FRY: Uh... LEELA: Is it about my eye? FRY: Sort of. Leela sighs. LEELA: Just ask the question. FRY: What's with the eye? LEELA: I'm an alien, alright? Now let's drop the subject. FRY: Cool, an alien! Has your race taken over the Earth? LEELA: No, I just work here. Fry looks out the window. A pa**ing blimp wishes people a Happy New Year 3000. Leela follows his gaze. FRY: Wait a minute! Is that blimp accurate? LEELA: Yep. It's December 31st 2999. FRY: My God, a million years! LEELA: I'm sure this must be very upsetting for you. FRY: Y'know, I guess it should be but actually I'm glad. I had nothing to live for in my old life. I was broke, I had a humiliating job and I was beginning to suspect my girlfriend might be cheating on me. LEELA: Well, at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator. Probulator Room. Fry lies on a metal table surrounded by lots of things designed to probe him. Leela puts a single lensed goggle on and presses a bu*ton. Fry squeaks. Time Lapse. Leela tears off a printout and reads it while Fry starts to get dressed. LEELA: Interesting. Your DNA test shows one living relative. He's your great great great great great great great... Time Lapse. Fry is now fully dressed. LEELA: ...great great great great great nephew. FRY: That's great! What's the little guy's name? LEELA: Professor Hubert Farnsworth. She turns the page over to show Fry the photo. Farnsworth is an old bald man who wears thick gla**es. FRY: Eurgh! Fate Assignment Officer's Office. Leela types something on a computer. FRY: Y'know, I'm the luckiest guy in the whole future. I've been given a second chance and this time I'm not going to be a total loser. What's that? LEELA: Your permanent career a**ignment. [She turns the screen around to show him his career. "Career: Delivery Boy" is all that is written on the screen.] FRY: Delivery boy? No! Not again! Please! Anything else! He grabs Leela's hand. LEELA: Take your hands off me! You've been a**igned the job you're best at just like everyone else. FRY: What if I refuse? LEELA: Then you'll be fired... FRY: Fine! LEELA: ...out of a cannon into the Sun! FRY: But I don't like being a delivery boy. LEELA: Well that's tough! Lots of people don't like their jobs but we do them anyway. You gotta do what you gotta do! Now hold out your hand, I'm gonna implant your career chip. It'll permanently label you as a delivery boy. She picks up an implant gun. It has two huge spikes on the end. FRY: Keep that thing away from me! He gets up and runs out of the room. Cut to: Applied Cryogenics Corridor. He runs from the office into another room. Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. Leela runs in after Fry and he dodges the implant gun. LEELA: Hold still, damnit. I don't have good depth perception! You've got until the count of five to let me out of here. One... In a flash she is frozen. FRY: See you in a thousand years! You owe me one. New New York Street. Fry runs out of the building and looks in awe at the sights around him. FRY: Whoa! Spaceships take off, there are traffic jams in the sky and billboards advertising Bachelor Chow. A couple walk past him nearly naked except for some strategically placed black bars. He looks up and sees people flying through a green tube overhead. He walks around a corner and finds an entrance to the tube. A pedestrian steps in. MAN #1: JFK Jr. Airport. The man is s**ed up into the tube. FRY: Cool! Um. Cross Town Express? The tube s**s him up and he screams as he flies through it. People look up from the street and stare at him. He is taken across the city, past the Statue of Liberty, underwater and finally out the other end smack into a building. A man looks up from his newspaper. MAN #2: Pft! Tourist! Time Lapse. A hover-car flies over a line of traffic on the road and a police car chases it. Fry walks around a corner and sees a line of people outside a small grey booth. FRY: Hey! A phone booth! I can call my nephew. Wow, a real live robot! Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume? ROBOT: Bite my shiny metal a**. Fry looks around at the robot's a**. FRY: It doesn't look so shiny to me. ROBOT: Shinier than yours, meatbag! Fry steps into the phone booth. He overlooks the important sign outside that differentiates it from normal phone booths. It is actually a suicide booth. Cut to: Suicide Booth. Fry presses a bu*ton and nothing happens. The robot steps in behind him. ROBOT: Listen, buddy, I'm in a hurry here. Let's try for a twofer! He puts a coin on a string in the slot then pulls it out again and chuckles. A pleasant woman's voice speaks. BOOTH VOICE: Please select mode of d**h: "Quick And Painless" or "Slow And Horrible". FRY: Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call. BOOTH VOICE: You have selected: "Slow And Horrible". ROBOT: Great choice! Bring it on, baby! Fry screams. Time Lapse. The robot is getting impatient. ROBOT: C'mon, c'mon! k** me already! By the way, my name's Bender! He holds out his hand. FRY: Help! What's happening? The sharp things lunge at them. Fry pushes Bender to the side of the booth. The sharp things stab and twist at the air and finally return to behind the hatch. BOOTH VOICE: You are now dead. Thank you for using Stop-N-Drop, America's favourite suicide booth since 2008. Cut to: New New York Street. Fry runs out gasping. BENDER: Lousy stinking rip-off! Well I didn't have anything else planned for today. Let's go get drunk! Cryogenics Lab. The timer on Leela's chamber runs out. The door opens and she defrosts. LEELA: ...two, three -- Hey! TERRY: (dramatically) Welcome to the world of tomorrow! LEELA: Shut up, Terry. Ipgee's Office. Leela's boss sits behind a large desk and she stands in front of it. IPGEE: This is unacceptable, Leela. You must find this Mr. Fry and install his chip. LEELA: Look, he's just a nobody who doesn't want to be a delivery boy. I'd really rather not force it on him. IPGEE: Well that's your job, whether you like it or not and it's my job to make you do your job whether I like it or not - which I do - very much! Now get to work! Life is good! O'Zorgnax's Pub. Fry and Bender are sat at the bar. Bender drinks a bottle of Olde Fortran malt liquor. FRY: Why would a robot need to drink? BENDER: I don't need to drink, I can quit anytime I want! So they made you a delivery boy, huh? Man, that's as bad as my job. FRY: Really? What do you do Bender? BENDER: I'm a bender. I bend girders, that's all I'm programmed to do. FRY: You any good at it? BENDER: You kidding? I was a star! I could bend a girder to any angle: 30 degrees, 32 degrees, you name it! (unsure) 31. (normal) But I couldn't go on living once I found out what the girders were for. FRY: What? BENDER: Suicide booths! Well, Fry, it was a pleasure meeting you, I'm gonna go k** myself. He gets up. FRY: Wait! You're the only friend I have! BENDER: You really want a robot for a friend? FRY: Yeah, ever since I was six. BENDER: Well, OK. But I don't want people thinking we're robo-s**uals, so if anyone asks, you're my debugger. Fry looks out the window and sees Leela. FRY: Oh, no, it's the Cyclops! Don't look! Don't look! BENDER: I'm not looking! His eyes zoom in to Leela. Cut to: New New York Street. Leela shows Fry's photo to a man. The man points to him inside the pub. Fry and Bender run off. Leela talks into her wrist communicator. LEELA: This is officer 1B-DI requesting back-up. The cops, Smitty the human and URL the robot, are standing right behind Leela. Smitty replies in his wrist communicator. SMITTY: We'll be there in five minutes. Outside Head Museum. Bender stops Fry outside the building. BENDER: We can hide in here, it's free on Tuesdays. He runs up the steps dragging Fry behind him. Cut to: Head Museum. Hundreds of heads in jars are stacked on shelves. Leonard Nimoy's head in a jar is on a platform in the middle of one of the rooms. NIMOY: Welcome to the Head Museum. I'm Leonard Nimoy. FRY: Spock? Hey! Do the thing! He does the Vulcan salute from Star Trek. Nimoy chuckles. NIMOY: I don't do that anymore. FRY: This is unbelievable! What do you heads do all day? NIMOY: We share our wisdom with those who seek it. It's a life of quiet dignity. Enter a woman. WOMAN: Feeding time! She shakes a box of what looks like fish food over the jar. Nimoy eats what comes out. The door opens and Fry turns around. Enter Leela, Smitty and URL. LEELA: Hmm. She looks around and sees Fry and Bender hiding behind a shelf in amongst other a**orted heads. LEELA: I'm sorry, Fry, but I have to install your career chip. FRY: Yeah, well, if you're sorry why are you doing it? LEELA: It's my job. You gotta do what you gotta do! Fry backs away and hits a shelf with the heads of US presidents on it. LEELA: Watch it! Richard Nixon's head falls off. The jar smashes. NIXON: That's it! You just made my list! He jumps up and starts biting Fry's arm. FRY: Ow! Stoppit! Down boy! Bad president! Bender tries to pull Nixon's head off. SMITTY: Alright, buddy, step away from the head! Fry and Bender put their hands up. URL: I'm gonna get 24th century on his a**! They turn on their lightsabers and start to hit Fry. LEELA: Please, officers, there's no need to use force. URL: Let us handle this, weirdy. He hits Bender. LEELA: Oh, come on, he's just a poor kid from the Stupid Ages. SMITTY: Keep your big nose out of this, eyeball! LEELA: No-one makes fun of my nose. She kicks Smitty and URL. Fry and Bender run off and hide in a room. URL: Damn! LEELA: You guys were totally out of control. SMITTY: It's our job. We're peace officers. URL: Yeah, you know the law: You gotta do what you gotta do. Leela considers. Head Museum Hall Of Criminals. Bender locks the door. BENDER: Oh, we're trapped! Fry looks to the end of the room. There is a window with bars across it. FRY: Wait a second. You're a bender, right? We can get out of here if you just bend the bars. BENDER: Dream on, skin tube. I'm only programmed to bend for constructive purposes. What do I look like, a de-bender? FRY: Who cares what you're programmed for. If someone programmed you to jump off a bridge would you do it? BENDER: I'll have to check my program...yep. LEELA: Open up! FRY: C'mon, Bender! It's up to you to make your own decisions in life. That's what separates people and robots from animals...and animal robots. BENDER: You're full of crap, Fry! You make a persuasive argument, Fry. He starts to bend the bars. FRY: Come on, Bender! You can do it. BENDER: Can't...I...can't...do...it! The bars bend and break off completely. FRY: Yes! BENDER: You were right, Fry! From now on I'm going to bend what I want, when I want, who I want! I'm unstoppable! His arms fall off but he manages to somehow reattach them without any help. FRY: I don't know how you did that. Leela kicks the door open. Fry and Bender dive out through the window. Cut to: Outside Head Museum. Fry runs off and Bender bends the bars back so Leela can't climb through. He runs after Fry and Leela reaches out through the bars. LEELA: Wait! BENDER: (shouting) No, thanks. Cut to: Alley. Fry and Bender stop at a dead end. There is a drain below them with a grate over the top. BENDER: [Looks like one of us will have to bend this grate. He flexes his fingers but Fry just lifts it. Bender sighs and they climb down the ladder. He reaches back up to the grate and bends it just for the hell of it. He chuckles and follows Fry. Ruins Of Old New York. Fry and Bender step off the ladder and look over the vast ruins of the city that looks like the city from Beneath The Planet Of The Apes. Collapsed buildings and rubble litter the streets and holes in the roof let in a few shafts of light, giving the place and eerie atmosphere. FRY: Good Lord! What is this? BENDER: It's the decaying ruins of Old New York. Welcome home, pal! Time Lapse. Fry and Bender walk down an old ruined street. FRY: Its my old neighbourhood. Man, this brings back a lot of memories. BENDER: Keep 'em to yourself, pops. Cut to: Ruins of Rockefeller Center Skating Rink. Fry leans over a wall. FRY: This is where I brought my girlfriend on our very first date. Flashback. Fry skates with Michelle on the crowded ice. Flashback ends. The ice is gone, replaced with murky green waters inhabited by a green tentacled creature. FRY: My God! She's gone. Everyone I ever knew or cared about is gone. BENDER: Wait! There's someone you know! He points at Leela, standing with her implant gun. FRY: Oh, can't you leave me alone? I'm miserable enough already. LEELA: Look, I know it's not much consolation but I understand how you feel. FRY: No, you don't. I've got no home, no family... Bender leans in behind him. BENDER: No friends. FRY: ...My whole world is gone. You can't possibly understand what it feels like to be so alone. LEELA: I understand. I'm the only one-eyed alien on this whole planet. My parents abandoned me here as a baby and I don't even know what galaxy they were from. I know how it feels to be alone. FRY: Look, Leela, I don't understand this world but you obviously do, so I give up. If you really think I should be a delivery boy, I'll do it. Your chip. What are you doing? LEELA: Quitting. FRY: Why? LEELA: Because I've always wanted to. I just never realized it before I met you. She puts her hand on his and smiles. Bender puts his hand on top. FRY: What is the matter with you? Bender quickly takes his hand off. BENDER: I just wanted to be part of the moment. LEELA: Hey, he stole my ring! BENDER: Sorry. Well, that solves the mystery of the missing ring. This calls for a drink. He reaches into his chest cabinet and pulls out three bottles of beer...and drinks them all himself. LEELA: I don't wanna spoil the party but we're all job deserters now. We're unemployed and we have nowhere to go. FRY: Correction. We're unemployed but we have a doddering old relative to mooch off of. He holds up the picture of Farnsworth. Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lounge. Professor Farnsworth is asleep in his chair. The TV is on and Dick Clark's head presents a programme. CLARK [ON TV]: Hello, I'm Dick Clark's head. Welcome to a special year 3000 edition of New Year's Rockin' Eve! The crowds around him cheer. The doorbell rings and Farnsworth wakes up. Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Farnsworth opens the door to Fry, Bender and Leela. FARNSWORTH: Who are you? FRY: I'm your dear old Uncle Fry. FARNSWORTH: I don't have an Uncle Fry. BENDER: You do now! He pushes Farnsworth back inside. Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lounge. Farnsworth and Fry are hooked up to a DNA machine. It dings and a red light flashes. FARNSWORTH: By God, I am your nephew! This is absolutely incredible! BENDER: Can we have some money? FARNSWORTH:: Oh, my, no. Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The four walk in. FARNSWORTH: Let me show you around. That's my lab table and this is my work-stool. And over there is my intergalactic spaceship! And here's where I keep a**orted lengths of wire. He opens a drawer but Fry is more interested in what's in the hangar. FRY: Whoa! A real live spaceship! FARNSWORTH: I designed it myself. Let me show you some of the different lengths of wire I used. SMITTY: Attention, job deserters! Come out with your hands up. We have you partially surrounded. Leela gasps. FRY: No! Bender literally sh**s a brick. Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Smitty holds Nixon's head in a jar. The gla** is cracked and taped in places. NIXON: Get those bums! Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. BENDER: Well, we're boned! LEELA: Can't we get away in the ship? FARNSWORTH: I suppose it is technically possible. Though I am already in my pajamas. Fry and Leela run towards the ship and Bender carries Farnsworth under his arm. Cut to: Ships co*kpit. Fry runs in and sit in a seat in front of a control panel. FRY: I'll get us out of here. He presses a few bu*tons and pulls a lever. A little hatch opens in the control panel, a paper cup comes down and the machine fills it with coffee. FARNSWORTH: Can anyone drive stick? LEELA: I can. As long as I don't have to parallel park. She takes off her coat, sits in the pilot's seat and pushes down a lever. Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Klaxons beep and a huge piece of machinery lifts the ship to a 45-degree angle. The entire hangar roof retracts so it is open for the ship. Cut to: Outside Planet Express. There are now many peace officers all armed with laser rifles stationed outside. URL sees the roof open. URL: If they try to take off, give 'em an a**-ful of laser. [Smitty nods.] Cut to: Ships co*kpit. LEELA: Prepare for lift-off. Ten. Cut to: Times Square. CROWD: Nine! Cut to: Egypt. The future pyramids now rotate in mid air. CROWD: Amania! Cut to: Paris. CROWD: Seven! Cut to: Alien Ship. ALIENS: (in alien) Six. Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. Lou sits in an open pod and Terry raises a gla**. TERRY: (dramatically) Five! Cut to: Head Museum. Leonard Nimoy is wearing a party hat. NIMOY: Four. Cut to: Ships co*kpit. Fry, Bender and Farnsworth are sat on a couch at the front of the co*kpit. FARNSWORTH: Three. BENDER: Two. He is so tense that he rips the arms off the couch. LEELA: One! FRY: Blast-off! Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off. Cut to: Times Square. People cheer in the new millennium and fireworks explode all over the city. "3000" is projected onto the moon and the ship flies between the fireworks. Cut to: Outside Planet Express. NIXON: Fire! Fire! The peace officers fire their laser gun randomly into the air. SMITTY: I can't see nothing. Pretty though! The altitude of the ship increases and laser bolts narrowly miss it. Cut to: Ships co*kpit. The ship clears New New York airspace, flies through the atmosphere and heads through the solar system. Everyone cheers. FRY: So I guess without jobs, we'll be fugitives forever. FARNSWORTH: Not necessarily. Are you three, by any chance, interested in becoming my new spaceship crew? BENDER: New crew? W-What happened to the old crew? FARNSWORTH: Of those poor sons of -- but that's not important. The important thing is I need a new crew. Anyone interested? FRY: Yes! Yes! That's exactly the job I've always wanted! LEELA: Thanks for the offer, Professor, but we don't have the proper career chips. FARNSWORTH: Oh, that won't be a problem. As luck would have it I saved the chips from my previous crew. He empties the career chips out of an envelope marked "Contents Of Space Wasps Stomach". FRY: This is awesome! Are we gonna fly through space fighting monsters and teaching alien women to lurve? FARNSWORTH: If by that you mean "transporting cargo" then yes. It's a little home business I started to fund my research. FRY: Cool! What's my job gonna be? FARNSWORTH: You will be responsible for ensuring that the cargo reaches its destination. The smile fades from Fry's face. FRY: So, I'm gonna be a delivery boy? FARNSWORTH: Exactly! Fry thinks for a moment but doesn't seem to mind. FRY: Alright! I'm a delivery boy! He waves his hands in the air and the ship flies on.