David X. Cohen - Hell Is Other Robots lyrics

[Opening Credits. Caption: Condemned By The Space Pope.] [Scene: Madison Cube Garden. Fry, Leela and Bender sit waiting for a Beastie Boys gig to begin.] Fry: This is awesome! I've been waiting a thousand years to see a Beastie Boys show. Bender: Can I get anybody a beer? Fry: Sure! [Bender opens his chest cabinet and uses his antenna to pump some beer into a cup. He hands it to Fry and Fry takes a gulp.] Announcer: [on loudspeaker] Ladies and gentlemen, here to lay down some old, old, incredibly old school beats: The Beastie Boys! [Scruffy wheels the Beastie Boys' heads in jars onto the stage. The crowd cheers. Some guys in black suits grab the jars and dance around. The Beastie Boys perform Intergalactic.] Beastie Boys: [singing] Well now don't you tell to smile, You stick around, I'll make it worth your while Got numbers beyond what you can dial, Maybe it's because I'm so versatile, Style profile I said, It always brings me back when I hear ooh child... [Leela looks at her wrist machine.] Leela: Impressive. They're busting mad rhymes with an 80% success rate. Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical standpoint. [Fry is standing away from them.] Fry: Will you guys shut up! I'm trying to look cool. [He attempts to dance.] Beastie Boys: [singing] ...known for the Flintstone Flop Tammy D gettin' biz on the crop, Beastie Boys know to let the beat... Mike: Drop! [His dancer drops him and his head flies off the stage. The crowd pa** him over them.] Ow! How's it going? [They pa** him again.] Enjoying the show? Ow! [They pa** him again and he disappears into the crowd.] [shouting] Don't forget to pick up a T-shirt! Fry: Wow! An old-fashioned mosh pit! Come on, guys. Tonight we're gonna party like its 1999 ... again. [The Beastie Boys perform Super Disco Breakin.] Beastie Boys: [singing] Well it's 50 cups of coffee and you know it's on I move the crowd to the break of break of dawn... [Fry and Bender get into the mosh pit. Leela gets bumped around.] Leela: Ow! Hey, watch it! [She elbows someone in the face, kicks someone else, punches someone else the does a full circle flying kick and knocks everyone around her over.] [Time Lapse. The crowd are back in their seats.] Fry: Man, these guys rock harder than ever! [The Beastie Boys sing Sabotage a cappella.] Mike: [singing] Oh, my... MCA: [singing] It's a mirage... Ad-Rock: [singing] Tellin' you all it's a... Beastie Boys: [singing] Sabotage! Ad-Rock: [singing] Sabotage, yeah! Mike: Peace, we out! [The crowd cheers and the Beastie Boys are wheeled out. Fry cheers. A Fender amplifier recognises Bender.] Fender: Hey, Bender! Bender: Hey, Fender! Man, I haven't seen you since high school. You still workin' at Jack In The Box? Fender: Not anymore, baby. I'm with the band! [Scene: Backstage. The Beastie Boys get head ma**ages.] Mike: Aw! Oh, yeah! [Enter Fender, Bender, Fry and Leela.] Fender: Hey, fellas, hey. I want you to meet my friends, Bender, Fry and Leela. Ad-Rock: Y'know, we're really not that interested in meeting them. Fry: Wow! I love you guys! Back in the 20th century, I had all five of your albums. Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven. Fry: Cool! Can I borrow the new ones? And a couple of blank tapes? [Fender turns his volume down and turns to Bender.] Fender: [whispering] Hey, Bender, why don't we ditch these organ sacks and hit the real party? Bender: Count me in! I'm gonna drink till I reboot! [Scene: Room. Fender presses a bu*ton, a door slides open and in the room are three robots hooked up to a machine which discharges electricity. It shocks them and they groan.] Bender: Hey, what kinda party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker. Fender: Don't be a drag, man. We're jacking on! [He plugs himself into the machine and shocks himself.] Aw, yeah! [He takes the plug out and offers it to Bender.] Wanna jolt? Bender: Uh, hey, I'm no square but isn't that counter-indicated by my operations manual? [The other robots laugh.] Robot: Counter indicated! Fender: Come on, Bender, grab a jack. I told these guys you were cool. Bender: Well, if jacking on'll make strangers think I'm cool, I'll do it! [He takes the plug and sticks it in his head. He goes crazy and starts to hallucinate. Sitar music plays. He falls onto a circuit board. Then he flies around a molecule and eats the electrons. He eats the proton and starts giggling. He dances with an electric eel. Fender takes the plug out.] Fender: Easy, baby. You don't wanna get hooked on this stuff. Bender: Eh, no need to worry. I don't have an addictive personality. [He smokes a cigar, gulps down some beer and jacks on again.] [Scene: New New York City Street. Fry and Bender walk around a slum. Hobos sleep in the travel tubes and windows are boarded up. Bender wears shades.] Fry: Hey, uh, Bender? What are we doing in this bad neighborhood? Bender: Shut up, square! [Bender walks off the street down into a place called Sparky's Den. His shades fall off. His eyes are blue and electrified.] I'll just be a minute! [Fry leans against a lamppost and whistles.] [Time Lapse. Three hours later Bender comes out. He groans and can't walk properly. He falls over, rolls off the pavement and lands face down in the gutter. A Preacherbot rolls by and sees him.] Preacherbot: Wretched sinner unit! The path to robot heaven lies here ... [He takes out a 3.5" disk.] ... in The Good Book 3.0. Bender: Hey! Do I preach to you when you're lying stoned in the gutter? No! So beat it! [The Preacherbot tuts and leaves.] Fry: Who was that guy? Bender: Your mama! Now shut up and drag me to work! [Fry drags Bender by his legs.] [Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes addresses the staff with a chart.] Hermes: Our electric bill's climbing faster than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone round been wastin' a whole heap a juice! Probably you! [He points at Zoidberg.] Zoidberg: Me? [Enter Fry and Bender.] Amy: Good morning, Bender. Bender: None of your business! Get off my back! [He runs into the restroom.] Amy: What's his problem? Leela: If I didn't know better I'd almost think he was abusing electricity. Fry: Bender? No way! [The lights dim.] I definitely would've noticed something. [Leela gets up and knocks on the restroom door.] Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are you jacking on in there? Bender: [from inside] No! Don't come in! [Enter Farnsworth with a box.] Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Today you'll be delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet! [Bender returns.] Bender: Alright, let's get to work! I'll be out in a second. [He runs back into the bathroom.] [Scene: Ships co*kpit. The crew have made the delivery and are returning to Earth.] Fry: I know Big Vinnie said he was giving me the kiss of d**h but I still think he was gay. Leela: Did he use his tongue? Fry: A little. [Leela cringes. Bender sits in the corner chewing his fingers.] You OK, Bender? Bender: None of your business! Get off my back! Leela: Uh-oh. There seems to be some sort of electrical disturbance in the Coalsack Nebula. Bender: A what kind of disturbance? Leela: Electrical. Anyway, it's going to take some careful piloting to avoid it. [Bender sneaks out of the co*kpit.] [Cut to: Outside Ship. Bender opens the door and steps out. He edges his way around to the engines and pushes them so the ship flies straight towards the nebula. He laughs insanely.] [Cut to: Ships co*kpit. Leela struggles with the controls.] Leela: We're out of control. We're heading straight into the electric field! Fry: What's happening? I-I feel weird! [The electricity has given him an afro.] [Cut to: Outside Ship. Bender stands on top of it in front of the gun turret, waving his arms.] Bender: Come on, universe, you big, mostly empty wuss! Gimmie all the juice you got! [Lightning strikes Bender's antenna and he jitters. Another bolt strikes him and a third. His legs melt.] Oh, mama! [Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. Bender sits atop the ship, melted to it. Amy drills him off with a jackhammer. He slides down the front of the ship and lands on the floor. Farnsworth, Leela and Hermes stare at him. Bender looks up at them.] Bender: What? [Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender has been repaired and a crate of spare robot legs and thighs is next to the table.] Leela: Bender, we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your p**nography ring. Zoidberg: In fact, that's why we loved you. Leela: But this electricity abuse crossed the line. You almost k**ed us. Fry: And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. Just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking d** and then he sold me my mom's VCR and then later I found out he was taking d**. You make me ashamed to be your friend. [Bender sighs.] Bender: You're right. I'm a lost cause. [He walks out.] [Scene: New New York City Street. Bender pa**es Sparky's Den. He hears an organ play behind him and looks across the street to the Temple of Robotology.] Bender: Maybe there's another way. [Cut to: Temple of Robotology Roof. Bender plugs himself into the neon sign and jacks on.] Bender: Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff. [The sign short circuits. Bender unplugs himself and cries.] [crying] What am I doing? What have I become? Huh? [He looks down though the roof and sees a sermon.] [Cut to: Temple of Robotology.] Preacherbot: I see a lot of fancy robots here today, made of real shiny metal. But that don't impress the Robot Devil, no, sir! Vergerbot: No, sir! Preacherbot: 'Cause if you're a sinner, he's gonna plug his infernal modem in the wall, belchin' smoke and flame. And he's gonna download you straight to Robot Hell! Vergerbot: Straight to hell! Preacherbot: So I ask you: Who will stand up and be saved? Who? Who? [The gla** roof gives way and Bender falls through and lands in front of Preacherbot.] Bender: [weakly] Me. [Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes addresses the crew.] Hermes: And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt-water cooler. Zoidberg: This is a witch hunt! [Enter Bender wearing a bow tie.] Bender: [singing] Oh, what a beautiful morning, Oh what a beautiful day! (talking) Greetings, friends. Don't we all look nice today? Fry: Great! He's whacked out on electricity again. Bender: No, I'm whacked out on life. My friends, I found religion. [The crew stare, shocked.] Fry: Religion? Is this another scam to get free yarmulkes? Leela: Give him a break, Fry. If this helps Bender clean up his act then I think we should be supportive. Farnsworth: [simultaneous] Yes. Amy: [simultaneous] Oh, yeah. Hermes: [simultaneous] Oh, yes! Zoidberg: [simultaneous] Oh, yeah. Bender: Wonderful. Then you'll all come to my exceedingly long, un-air-conditioned baptism ceremony! [The staff murmur.] [Scene: Temple of Robotology.] Preacherbot: We are gathered here today to deliver brother Bender from the cold, steel grip of the Robot Devil unto the cold, steel bosom of our congregation. Robot #2: Tell it, Preacher! Robot #3: That equals true. Preacherbot: Brother Bender, do you accept the principles of Robotology on pain of eternal damnation in Robot Hell? Bender: Yes, I do. Preacherbot: Then I will now baptise you. [A keyboard appear from his waist.] Press any key to continue. [Bender presses a bu*ton and he is lifted and baptised in a barrel of High Viscosity Baptismal Oil. Preacherbot welds the symbol of Robotology, a resistor symbol, to Bender's chest.] Bender: Uh, while you're at it, could you touch up this seam? [He raises his arm. Preacherbot welds the seam. Bender giggles.] [Scene: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The crew are dressed up.] Leela: This is unbelievable. The old Bender never would have taken us out to dinner. Bender: The old Bender's gone. He won't trouble you anymore. Waiter: Would monsieur care to see the wine list? [Bender shreds the wine list and hands it back to the waiter.] Bender: No poison for us, thanks. I'll stick with good old mineral oil. [He drinks the oil.] Ah! Functional! [Time Lapse. The food arrives.] Hermes: Mon, I'm hungrier than a green snake in a sugar cane field! Bender: Friends! Friends! Surely you're not going to eat before we say Robot Grace? [The staff grumble. Bender closes his eyes.] In the name of all that is good and logical we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerematic: 1000101010101... [Time Lapse. The staff have given up praying and anxiously wait for Bender to finish.] Bender: ...0010110012. Amen. Fry: Does that mean we can eat now? Bender: Yes. [The crew tuck in.] But first, since I love you all so much, I'd like to give everyone hugs. Come here, Fry! Fry: Oh, uh, but I don't want to. [Bender hugs Fry.] Bender: Mmm! Mmm! Fry, you're my friend! [Fry, unsure, pats Bender on the back. Bender stands up again.] Come on, everyone line up for a hug. Let's tear down some emotional walls. [The others edge their seats away.] [Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. Bender sticks something to the ship.] Leela: What are you doing to my ship? Bender: Sanctifying it! [Leela sighs. Bender has stuck on a robot version of the Ichthus.] There! That ought to convert a few tailgaters. Fry: Bender's stupid religion is driving me nuts. Leela: Amen. Farnsworth: If only he had joined a mainstream religion like Oprah-ism or Voodoo. Fry: We've got to get the old Bender back. Leela: And I think I know a way to do it. We have to reacquaint him with a little thing called "sleaze". [Scene: Atlantic City Street. The ship lands in a car park.] [Time Lapse. The crew have taken Nibbler with them and they walk down the street.] Bender: I can't believe somebody hired an interstellar spaceship to deliver a package to Atlantic City. What are we delivering anyway? Fry: Uh, this. [He pulls some mints out of his pocket.] Bender: Where are we delivering it to? Leela: Uh, here. [She takes the mints and puts them in a mailbox.] Bender: Another job well done. Now back to the office for an enjoyable evening of fasting and repentance. Fry: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, Bender. So long as we're here why don't we take in some exotic dancing? Leela: Hey, great idea! [Bender turns around. He is standing outside a club called "Power Strip". He gasps.] Bender: But ... those girls don't wear cases. You can see their bare circuits. Fry: Come on, it'll be fun! Maybe we could even drink a little fortified wine. Bender: What? Drinking wine is a sin. Even if it is deliciously fortified. Leela: Hey, Bender, look at that woman's purse. It's hanging by a spaghetti strand. [Bender zooms in but pushes his eyes back in again.] Bender: Thou shalt not snatch. Fry: And there's Hookerbot 5000. She's got a heart of solid gold! Hookerbot: Hey, sailing unit! Bender: Stop tempting me! For once in my life I have inner peace. Fry: Pfft! That's for losers. C'mon, sin your heart out. Leela: Go nuts. Hookerbot: Live a little. Woman: Could you hold my purse for a minute? Fry: Go for it, Bender. You know you wanna! Bender: Well... [Scene: Power Strip. Bender dances with the Stripperbots and laughs.] Bender: I'm the greatest. [He opens the woman's purse and throws money into the air.] Woo-hoo! Fry: Look's like we got the old Bender back! Bender: You know it, pork pie! Except for one thing. [He rips the Robotology symbol off his chest and throws it over his shoulder. It sinks into a bowl of something and beeps and glows.] [Scene: Trump Trapezoid. Bender entertains three Fembots in the Jacuzzi of his hotel room.] Bender: Y'know, as a major Hollywood director, I'll be holding auditions tonight for my next movie. And even though you're all young and naive, I think you might just have what it takes. [The Fembots laugh. There is a knock at the door.] Hey! I'm trying to score here! Can't you read the "Do Not Disturb" sign? [He wraps a towel around his waist and opens the door. A red glows comes from the corridor. Bender gasps.] No! No! [A pitchfork comes through the door and knocks him out.] [Scene: Robot Hell. Bender awakens face-to-face with a large red robot with a tail and horns.] Robot Devil: Greetings, Bender! Welcome to Robot Hell. [Bender screams.] [Scene: Trump Trapezoid. The next day, Fry and Leela stand in Bender's room. There are scorch marks where Bender fell and he has been dragged out of the room.] Leela: What in hell happened to Bender? Fry: Well he didn't check out. The ashtray's still here. [Nibbler yelps.] Look, Nibbler's caught the scent of vodka and motor oil! Go, boy. Follow that stench. [They run out of the room.] [Scene: Robot Hell Tunnel. Bender is chained to a cart and the Robot Devil stands behind him with a whip. The cart rolls down a track.] Bender: I'm hallucinating this, right? [The Robot Devil whips him.] Robot Devil: No, Bender. Robot Hell is quite real. Here's our brochure. [He hands Bender a brochure entitled Hell Is Other Robots.] Bender: But I don't belong here. I don't like things that are scary and painful. Robot Devil: Sorry, Bender, you agreed to this when you joined our religion. If you sin you go to Robot Hell, for all eternity. Bender: Aw, hell-- I mean "heck"! Robot Devil: It's alright, you can say that here. [Scene: Outside Reckless Ted's Funland. Fry and Leela look up at the sign.] Fry: Wait! I remember this place. They shut it down after all those people caught salmonella from the flume ride. [Nibbler leads Fry and Leela to a ride called The Inferno.] [Cut to: The Inferno. They open the door and look around.] Leela: Hmm. Look! It's the symbol of Bender's old religion. [Fry presses the symbol and the crazy mirror beside it slides upwards. Behind it is Robot Hell.] Fry: Unbelievable. It's an actual, factual Robot Hell. Leela: Who would've thought hell would really exist? And that it would be in New Jersey! Fry: Actually-- [A trap door opens beneath them and Nibbler watches them disappear down a twisting fun slide. They scream as they fall.] [Scene: Robot Hell: Level 1.] Robot Devil: We know all your sins, Bender. And for each one we've prepared an agonising and ironic punishment. Gentlemen? [A band of Hellbots start to play.] Bender: Aw, crap, singing. Mind if I smoke? [He lights a cigar but the Robot Devil takes it from him and stubs it out on his chest. Two Hellbots throw him a hat and cane.] Robot Devil: [singing] Cigars are evil, You won't miss 'em, We'll find ways to simulate that smell, What a sorry fella, Rolled up and smoked like a panatela, Here on level one of Robot Hell! [Bender falls through a trapdoor.] [Cut to: Robot Hell: Level 2. He lands next to a card table. He picks the cards up and takes one from his chest cabinet.] Robot Devil: [singing] Gambling's wrong and so is cheating, So is forging phoney IOU's, Let's let Lady Luck decide, What type of torture's justified, I'm pit boss here on level two! [He spins a wheel that Bender is strapped to. Luck decides to deep-fry Bender.] Robot Devil: [talking] Ooh! Deep-fried robot! Bender: [singing] Just tell me why. Robot Devil: [singing] Please read this 55-page warrant. Bender: [singing] There must be robots worse than I. Robot Devil: [singing] We've checked around, there really aren't. Bender: [singing] Then please let me explain, My crimes were merely boy-ish pranks. Robot Devil: [singing] You stole from boy scouts, nuns and banks! Bender: [singing] Ah, don't blame me, Blame my upbringing! [He steals the Robot Devil's wallet.] Robot Devil: [singing] Please stop sinning while I'm singing! [He pulls Bender's arm off and kicks him through a hole.] [Cut to: Robot Hell: Level 5. Bender lands in front of the Beastie Boys. The Robot Devil picks Bender up by the leg and shakes him. CDs fall out of his chest cabinet.] Robot Devil: [singing] Selling bootleg tapes is wrong, Musicians need that income to survive. Beastie Boys: [singing] Hey, Bender, gonna make some noise, With your hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys! (disc scratch) That's whatcha, whatcha, whatcha get on level five! [Cut to: Robot Hell Slide. Fry and Leela slide further down.] Fry: [singing] I don't feel well. Leela: [singing] It's up to us to rescue him. Fry: [singing] Maybe he likes it here in Hell. Leela: [singing] It's us who tempted him to sin. Fry: [singing] Maybe he's back at the motel. Leela: [singing] Come on, Fry, don't be scared, I'm sure at least one of us will be spared, So just sit back, enjoy the ride. Fry: [singing] My a** has blisters from the slide. [Cut to: Elevator. Bender and the Robot Devil plunge into Hell. The Robot Devil takes stuff out of Bender's chest cabinet.] Robot Devil: [singing] Fencing diamonds, Fixing co*kfights, Publishing indecent magazines, [He kicks Bender out of the elevator.] Robot Devil: You'll pay for every crime, Knee-deep in electric slime, You'll suffer till the end of time, Enduring torture's, most of which rhyme, Trapped forever here in Robot Hell! [The music ends and the show finishes with a fireworks display.] Robot Devil: [talking] Of course, that's just for starters. [Fry and Leela fall from the slide screaming and land behind the Robot Devil. They see him and gasp.] Fry: Bender, are you alright? Bender: No! Oh, they're tormenting me with up-tempo singing and dancing. Leela: Alright, Beelzebot, what'll it take to get our friend back? Robot Devil: Sorry, but I hold all the cards here. There's nothing I can do. Now, if you'll just sign this fiddle contest waiver. [Fry takes the pen but Leela stops him.] Leela: Wait. What fiddle contest? Robot Devil: (sighs) The Fairness In Hell Act of 2275 requires me to inform you that if you can best me in a fiddle contest, you win back Bender's soul. As well as a solid gold fiddle. Fry: Wouldn't a solid gold fiddle weigh hundreds of pounds and sound crummy? Robot Devil: Well it's mostly for show. [He picks up the fiddle and it glints in the light.] Leela: [whispering] Do you know how to play the fiddle? Fry: [whispering] No. Do you? Leela: [whispering] No, but I used to play the drums. They're sorta similar. [talking] What happens if we lose? Robot Devil: You'll only win a smaller, silver fiddle. Also I guess I'll k** one of you, uh, him. [He points at Fry. Fry gulps.] Leela: We'll do it. Robot Devil: Very well, then. Beat this. [He plays a tune and uses his tail as an extra arm.] Bender: Well, we're boned. Robot Devil: Your turn. [He hands the violin to Leela. She plays awfully. Fry and Bender cringe.] Ha! Leela: Time for the drum solo! [She beats the Robot Devil over the head with the violin and he squeals like a little girl.] Fry: Run! [They do. Hellbots and flying bugbots chase them. The bugbots shoot laser rings at them. Bender pulls a pair of wings off a bugbot and flies in and grabs Fry and Leela who are swarmed by a crowd of Hellbots with pitchforks. Bender ascends and heads for small hole in the roof.] Robot Devil: Stop them! They cheated! [A bugbot shoots three laser rings at the trio. Two miss but one catches on Bender's antenna, forming a halo. The Hallelujah chorus plays and they get closer to the hole. Hellbots pull chains to close the hole.] Leela: Hurry, Bender! Bender: I could if you'd drop the stupid gold violin! Leela: Oh, sorry. [She drops it. It hits Beezlebot on the head. He squeals and Fry, Leela and Bender escape through the hole.] [Cut to: Outside The Inferno. They cheer.] Bender: Don't worry, guys, I'll never be too good or too evil again. From now on, I'll just be me. Leela: Uh, do you think you could be just little less evil than that. Bender: I don't know. Do you think you could survive a 700ft fall? [Fry chuckles.] Fry: Good old Bender! [Closing Credits. The Beastie Boys perform a remix of the theme over clips from the episode.] Beastie Boys: Yeah, yeah! This one goes out to my man, Bender, Sending this one out, special dedication, To all my peoples in the robot homeworld, Yeah, yeah! Big up with the Professor, My man, Dr. Zoidberg, I'd like to shout out-- a personal shout out to Leela, Fry! My man, Bender, Nibber, Nibbler, in the house, Big shout out to all Futurama!