David Hyde Pierce - You Won't Succeed on Broadway lyrics

[ARTHUR, spoken] Have you heard of this "Broadway?" [ROBIN, spoken] Yes, sire, and we don't stand a chance there! [ARTHUR, spoken] Why not? [ROBIN, spoken] Because Broadway is a very special place, filled with very special people, people who can sing and dance, often at the same time! They are a different people, a multi-talented people, a people...who need people...and who are, in many ways, the luckiest people in...the world. I'm sorry, sire, but we don't stand a chance! [ARTHUR, spoken] But why? [ROBIN, spoken] Well...let me put it like this... (sung) In any great adventure That you don't want to lose Victory depends upon the people that you choose So, listen, Arthur darling, closely to this news We won't succeed on Broadway If you don't have any Jews You may have the finest sets Fill the stage with penthouse pets You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes You my dance and you may sing But I'm sorry, Arthur king You'll hear no cheers Just lots and lots of boos [COMPANY] Boo! [ROBIN] You may have have butch men by the score Whom the audience adore You may even have some animals from zoos Though you've Poles and Krauts instead You may have unlevened bread But I tell you, you are dead If you don't have any Jews They won't care if it's witty Or everything looks pretty They'll simply say "it's sh**ty" and refuse Nobody will go, sir If it's not kosher then no show, sir Even Goyem won't be dim enough to choose Put on shows that make men stare With lots of girls in underwear You may even have the finest of reviews [CRITIC] You're doing great! [ROBIN] The audience won't care, sir As long as you don't dare, sir To open up on Broadway If you don't have any Jews (dance sequence) You may have dramatic lighting Or lots of horrid fighting You may even have some white men sing the blues! Your knights might be nice boys But sadly we're all goys And that noise that you call singing you must lose So, despite your pretty lights And naughty girls in nasty tights And the most impressive scenery you use You may have dancing man a mano You may bring on a piano But they will not give a damn-o If you don't have any Jews! (dance sequence) You may fill your play with gays Have Nigerian girls in stays [GIRLS] You may even have some shiksas making stews! [ROBIN and MEN] You haven't got a clue If you don't have a Jew All of your investments you are going to lose! There's a very small percentile Who enjoys a dancing gentile I'm sad to be the one with this bad news! But never mind your swordplay You just won't succeed on Broadway You just don't succeed on Broadway If you don't have any Jews! Arthur, can you hear me? To get along on Broadway To sing a song on Broadway To hit the top on Broadway and not lose I tell you, Arthur king There is one essential thing - There simply must be, simply must be Jews! There simply must be - Arthur trust me - Simply must be Jews!