David Crane - The One With the Ick Factor lyrics

[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there.] MONICA: Tell him. RACHEL: No. PHOEBE: Tell him, tell him. MONICA: Just...please tell him. RACHEL: Shut up! CHANDLER: Tell me what? MONICA: Look at you, you won't even look at him. CHANDLER: [sarcastically] Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why women won´t look at me. RACHEL: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you and I, were... PHOEBE: Doing it on this table. [points at the table] CHANDLER: Wow! JOEY: Exellent dream score. ROSS: Why, why, why would you dream that? CHANDLER: More importantly, was I any good? RACHEL: Well, you were pretty damnedy good. CHANDLER: Interesting, cause in my dreams, I´m allways surprisingly inadequate. [Monica pats him on his lap] RACHEL: Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table. ROSS: I love it, when we share. [Ross goes over to the counter. Chandler follows him.] CHANDLER: You´re okay there? ROSS: I can´t belive you two had s** in her dream. CHANDLER: I´m sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and i was somebody else´s subconscious. OPENING CREDITS [Time lapse. Chandler is sitting on the table.] CHANDLER: Hi Rachel. RACHEL: Get off. PHOEBE: [points at Joey´s pen] Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill press? JOEY: I don´t know. What are you wearing? [Chandler, Monica and Phoebe looks at him] ROSS: Phoebs, why would you want to operate a drill press? PHOEBE: Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I get back some of my ma**age clients. CHANDLER: Pirates again? PHOEBE: No, nothing like that. I was just...such a dummie. I taught this "ma**age-yourself-at-home-workshop". And they are. JOEY: Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you. CHANDLER: [sarcasticly] Thanks Joey, that´s a good idea. PHOEBE: What... I could, I could do it. What is it? CHANDLER: Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is having one of her b**bs redused. It´s a whole big b**b story. PHOEBE: I could be a secretary. CHANDLER: Well, you know Phoebs. I don´t know if it´s your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day. PHOEBE: I could do that. [Ross´s beeper goes off] RACHEL: What are you playing with? ROSS: Oh, it´s my new beeper. JOEY: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for? MONICA: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. 'Help, come quick, they´re still extinct.' ROSS: No, it´s for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-JIMBO. CHANDLER: A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid. MONICA: All right, I´ll see you guys later. [raises] RACHEL: Off to see young Ethan? MONICA: Thank you. JOEY: How young is young Ethan? Young? MONICA: He´s... our age. CHANDLER: When we were? MONICA: Okay, he´s a senior in college. ROSS: College? JOEY: Whoa! CHANDLER: And this manchild has no problem with how old you are? MONICA: No, of course not. It´s not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22. ALL: What? MONICA: Oh, I can´t pa** for 22? PHOEBE: Well, maybe 25-26. MONICA: I am 26. PHOEBE: There you go. [Scene: Chandler´s office. He and Phoebe are there when the phone starts ringing.] CHANDLER: Can you hear that? PHOEBE: [plays with a thumbtack remover] Yeah? CHANDLER: See That´ll stop when you pick up the phone. PHOEBE: Oh. Uh, I´m on. [picks up the phone] PHOEBE: [with a deep voice] Mr. Bing´s office. No I´m sorry, he´s in a meeting right now. CHANDLER: I´m not in a meeting. I´m right... Whoops. PHOEBE: Will he know what this is in reference to? And he has your number? All right, I´ll see that he gets the message. Bye bye. CHANDLER: What? PHOEBE: Ross says hi. CHANDLER: Ah! PHOEBE: This is so fun. All right, what do we do now? CHANDLER: Well, now, I actually have to get to work. PHOEBE: Most likely. [raises and goes toward the door] Okay, I´m gonna be out there. CHANDLER: Okay. PHOEBE: All right. Bye bye. CHANDLER: Bye bye. [The intercom buzzes] PHOEBE: Whatcha doin´? CHANDLER: Ooh. [leans against the desk] [Scene: Monica and Rachel´s apartment. It´s just them there. Monica is just finishing cleaning the windows.] MONICA: Windows are clean, candles are lit. Uh, belt's too tight; gotta change the belt. [drops belt on the couch] Did I turn the fish? [goes over to the kitchen to check on the dinner] No, cause I made lasagna. Am I out of control? RACHEL: Just a touch. Mon, I don´t understand. I mean, you´ve been dating this guy since like, what... his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so... Oh. MONICA: What? RACHEL: Could tonight be the Night? MONICA: I don´t know. Look he´s a great guy and I love being with him but... you know. Things happen, and they happen. You don´t plan these things. RACHEL: So, did you shave your legs? MONICA: Yeah. RACHEL: Aha! [Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Ross are there.] JOEY: Would you let it go Ross. It was just a dream. It doesn´t mean... [Ross´s beeper goes off] ROSS: Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god it´s baby time. Baby time. JOEY: All right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Be cool, be cool. [Ross dials a number on his cellular phone] ROSS: [on phone] Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. [pause] No, André is not here. [to Joey] Third time today. [on phone] Yes, I´m sure... No, sir. I don´t perform those kind of services. JOEY: Services? Oh, services. ROSS: [on phone] Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, that´s right. That´s right, JUMBO with a U, sir. [pause] No, belive me, you don´t want me. Judging by his number, I´d be a huge disappointment. [pause] All rightie, bye bye. [Phoebe and Chandler enters] JOEY: Hey, hey. How was the first day? PHOEBE: Oh, exellent. Everyone was so, so nice. CHANDLER: See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. [Joey and Ross wonder what he means] Me. PHOEBE: No, I didn´t tell anybody that I knew you. CHANDLER: Why not? PHOEBE: Oh, because, you know... they don´t like you. CHANDLER: What? PHOEBE: I thought you knew that. CHANDLER: Noho. Why doesn´t they like me? PHOEBE: Everyone. Except for uh... no everyone. CHANDLER: What are you talking about? PHOEBE: Don´t feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you´re like "Mr. Boss Man". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss Man Bing". [Joey and Ross laughs] CHANDLER: I can´t belive it. PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah. They even do you. CHANDLER: They do me? PHOEBE: You know like... uh okay... uh... 'Could that report be any later?' [Joey and Ross laughs] CHANDLER: I don´t sound like that. ROSS: Oh, oh Chandler... JOEY: Oh... Yeah, you do. ROSS: 'The hills were alive with the sound of music.' [Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs] JOEY: [reaches for hi scones] My scones. PHOEBE, JOEY & ROSS: 'My scones.' [Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again] CHANDLER: Okay, I don´t sound like that. That is so not true. [Joey and Chandler laughs] CHANDLER: That is so not... That is so not... That... Oh, shut up! [Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs] [Scene: Monica and Rachel´s apartment. Monica and Ethan are sitting in the couch.] MONICA: Did not. ETHAN: I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place wher crimes happen. MONICA: How was that possible? ETHAN: Well, think about it. It´s always on the news. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.' You know, I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there? Oh, ah. I should go. MONICA: Okay. [They kiss] ETHAN: Okay. MONICA: Unless-- ETHAN: What? MONICA: Uh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I mean, I´m going to, so... ETHAN: Yeah, I´d really like that. [They kiss] ETHAN: Uuh, before we get into any staying-over-stuff, there is something you should know. MONICA: Okay, is this like 'I have an early cla** tomorrow' or 'I´m secretly married to a goat'? ETHAN: Well it´s somewhere in between. You see, in a strictly technical sense, of course, I´m not uh..., well I, I mean I haven´t ever uh... MONICA: Ethan-- ETHAN: Yeah? MONICA: Are you a virgin? ETHAN: Well, if that´s what you kids are calling it these days then, yes I am. I uh, I´ve kinda been waiting for the right person. MONICA: Really? ETHAN: Yeah. You do know I was talking about you, right? [They kiss] [Time lapse. They are now in Monica´s bedroom, on the bed.] ETHAN: Wow! MONICA: You keep saying that. ETHAN: You know, you read about it, you see it in the movies. Even when you practise it at home, man oh man, it is nothing like that. [They kiss] MONICA: Listen, uh, you told me something that was really difficult for you. And I, I-I figured if you could be honest, then I can to. ETHAN: Oh god, don´t tell me, I did it wrong. MONICA: No no. Nothing wrong about that. ETHAN: Oh. MONICA: Um, okay, here it goes. I´m not 22. I´m, I´m 25... and thirteen months. ETHAN: Huh! MONICA: But I figured, you know, that shouldn´t change anything. I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are. [They kiss] ETHAN: Uh, listen um, as long as we´re telling stuff, uh, I have another one for you. I´m a little younger than I said. MONICA: You´re not a senior? ETHAN: Oh, I´m a senior... in High School. MONICA: Ok...ay. [Time lapse] MONICA: What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had s** with somebody that wasn´t alive during the Bicentennial. ETHAN: I just had s**. MONICA: Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me? ETHAN: Well, you never told me how old you were. MONICA: Well, that´s different. My lie didn´t make one of us a felon in 48 states. What were you thinking? ETHAN: I wasn´t thinking. I was too busy fallin'-- MONICA: Don´t say it. [closes Ethan´s mouth with her hand] ETHAN: --in love with you. MONICA: Really? ETHAN: [nods] Sorry. MONICA: Well,fall out of it. You know, you shouldn´t even be here, it´s a school night. Oh god, oh god. I´m like those women that you see with shiny guys like Chad. I´m Joan Collins. ETHAN: Who? [Scene: Monica and Rachel´s apartment. Everyone exept Monica is there.] ROSS: [on phone] Okay, André should be there in like 45 minutes. All rightie, bye bye. [to Phoebe] Just easier that way. CHANDLER: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream. RACHEL: No, forget it. CHANDLER: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy? RACHEL: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there. [Camera fades to Ross, who´s listening very carefully] Joey was there too. JOEY: All right. ROSS: Was there...uh, huh, huh, huh... andybody, anybody else there. RACHEL: No. ROSS: You´re sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints or anything? RACHEL: No, it was just the three of us. ROSS: Huh! JOEY: So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler? RACHEL: He, he, he. You know what? JOEY: What? RACHEL: There were times when it wasn´t even me. [Chandler and Joey laughs, until they look at each other] PHOEBE: That is so sweet, you guys. [hugs them] [Monica enters, wearing a walkman, so she doesn´t hear what the others say] ROSS, RACHEL & PHOEBE: Hey, Mon. RACHEL: Mon, Ethan called again. Mon? ALL: [shouting] Mon! [Monica takes of her walkman] MONICA: What? RACHEL: Ethan called again. MONICA: Oh. ROSS: Are you not seeing him anymore? MONICA: No. You know, sometimes just things doesn´t work out. CHANDLER: And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym. [Monica stares at Rachel] RACHEL: I, I didn´t say any... I sw... I did not say anything, I swear. JOEY: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest "Power Ranger" is? [Ross and Chandler laughs] ROSS: Oh, yeah. MONICA: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now? JOEY, CHANDLER & ROSS: Sorry. ROSS: It´s morphin time! JOEY: Stegosaurus! CHANDLER: Tyrannosaurus! [They all cross they´re arms like the "Power Rangers" do] PHOEBE: Ooh, oh, I´ve gotta go. [raises] Whoa, oh, head rush. One more, and then I have to go. [sits down, and then raises again] Cool! RACHEL: Where are you going? PHOEBE: Um, oh, I´ve got a birthday party, with some work people. CHANDLER: Work people? Nobody told me. PHOEBE: No, I know. That´s a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravagance. CHANDLER: You know, I don´t get this. A month aga, these people were my friends. You know, just because I´m in charge doesn´t mean i´m a different person. PHOEBE: Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are. CHANDLER: You think I should? PHOEBE: I really do, yeah. CHANDLER: Okay. PHOEBE: Okay. CHANDLER: Okay. PHOEBE: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I don´t wanna be the geek that invited the boss. [Scene: Chandler´s office. He and Phoebe are taking a break from work.] CHANDLER: I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing "Ebony and Ivory". PHOEBE: You were great. But they still made fun of you. CHANDLER: What? PHOEBE: You know, now you´re more like, you know like, "Mr. Caring Boss", "Mr.", you know, "I´m one of you, Boss", "Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing" CHANDLER: Then, I don´t get it. PHOEBE: Well, you know what Chandler? I think you´ve gotta face it. You´re like, the guy in the big office, you know. You´re the one that hires them, that fires them... They still say you´re a great boss. CHANDLER: They do? PHOEBE: Uh huh. But they´re not your friends anymore. CHANDLER: I just wan´t to-- PHOEBE: No, but you can´t. CHANDLER: But I just wa-- PHOEBE: Uh uh. [Scene: Central Perk. Everyone exept Phoebe and Chandler is there. Ross´s beeper goes off and everyone exept him react.] MONICA: Aren´t you gonna-- ROSS: Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in 911, it means she´s having a baby, otherwise I just ignore it. JOEY: What about André? ROSS: Oh, welll this morning he got a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know. [Ethan enters] ETHAN: Hey. MONICA: That was gonna be my opener. RACHEL: [understands that Monica and Ethan wanna be alone] Hey, did you guys check out those new handdryers in the bathroom? ROSS: I thought that was just a rumour. RACHEL: True story. JOEY: They´re here allready? [Rachel, Ross and Ross go to the bathroom] ETHAN: All right, look. I´ve gotta tell you something. I´m not 17. I only said so that you´d think I was cute and vunerable. I´m actually 30, I have a wife, I have a job, I´m your congressman. Monica, this is ridiculous, we´re great together. We can talk , we make each other laugh, and the s**. Oh, man, okay i have no frame of graft, but I thought that was great. MONICA: It was. ETHAN: Then, what´s the problem? MONICA: Ethan, it´s um... it´s icky. ETHAN: Icky? You´re actually gonna throw this away because it´s icky? MONICA: This isn´t easy for me either. I wish things were different, I... If you were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we lived in biblical times, I would really-- ETHAN: No, don´t say it. [closes Monica´s mouth with his hand] MONICA: --love you. [Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the bathroom. They discover that Monica and Ethan aren´t finished talking to each other yet.] ROSS: Are you´re hands still wet? JOEY: Uh, moist, yeah. RACHEL: Let´s dry ´em again. [They go to the bathroom again] [Scene: A hall on the floor where Chandler works. Chandler and Phoebe enters, and overhears some employees´s conversation. One of them is doing Chandler.] GERSTON: Uh, like, could these margaritas be any stronger? [They discover that Chandler is listening] Hey, Chandler. SANTOS: Hello, Mr. Bing. PETRIE: Loved your "Stevie Wonder" last night. CHANDLER: Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I´m gonna need them on my desk by nine o´clock. SANTOS: Sure. GERSTON: No problem. [They go away, trying very hard not to laugh at Chandler] CHANDLER: You have to give ´em something, you know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and who´s the guy with the moustache? PHOEBE: Petrie. CHANDLER: Petrie, right, right. Okay, somebody´s gonna be working this weekend. [Scene: Monica and Rachel´s apartment. Ross is watching TV, but turns it off, and Rachel is sleeping on the couch. Ross puts a blanket over her.] RACHEL: [talks in her sleep] Oooooooooh. [Rachel strokes her hand over the pillow. Ross mimicks her silently] Oh, that´s nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross. [Ross gets all excited and starts to dance on the coffee table, but slips allmost immediatly, and falls onto the couch. Rachel wakes up.] RACHEL: Ross? ROSS: I´m here. RACHEL: You are. Well, um... We, we, we were just... ROSS: What? [his beeper goes off] Great, now I´m having a baby. RACHEL: What? ROSS: Ooh, Ooh. RACHEL: What? ROSS: I´m having... I´m having a baby. [jumps back onto the table again] I´m having a... Where´s the phone? The phone? RACHEL: I don´t know where the phone is. [Ross runs from the table, over the couch but slips and falls onto the floor] RACHEL: Ross? ROSS: I´m hurt. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: The hall between the apartments. Ross is eagerly waiting for the others to get ready, to go to the hospital.] ROSS: Monica, let´s go. Come on now people, woman in labor. [Chandler struts out from his apartment] CHANDLER: Hey Ross, look what I´ve got going here. ROSS: Yeah, save it for the cab, okay. [Rachel comes out from their apartment with a mirror and a lipstick in her hands] ROSS: What are you doing? We´re going to a hospital. RACHEL: What, so I can´t lokk nice? There might be doctors there. ROSS: Joey, get out of the fridge. JOEY: All right, all right. [he comes out from their apartment with a huge sandwich in his hand] ROSS: What is that? [refering to the sandwich] JOEY: For the ride. CHANDLER: Yeah, like in a cab-- ROSS: Save it. CHANDLER: Okay, hating this. ROSS: Monica, come on now. Let´s go, baby coming. [Monica enters from their apartment, crying] MONICA: I can´t belive it, I´m gonna be an aunt. I´m gonna have like a nephew. ROSS: That´s nice. Get out Let´s go, come on. JOEY: All rihgt, I´m going. I´m going. [They all go down the stairs, but Ross turns around, looking like his in a coma. The others also turns around to get him.] CHANDLER: Here we go, here we go. RACHEL: Rossy, Rossy.