David Crane - The One With The Fake Monica lyrics

[Pre-intro scene: Monica and Rachel's. Everyone is looking at papers] Joey: How could someone get a hold of your credit card number? Monica: I have no idea. But look how much they spent! Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought. Monica: I know. It's just such reckless spending. Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind. Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop. Monica: That's me. Phoebe: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he's doing it again! [Points to a lamp which is shaking behind the sofa] Ross: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back- [Marcel runs toward Rachel's room] come here, Marcel- Rachel: Oh no, not in my room! I'll get him. Monica: Ross, you've got to do something about the humping. Ross: What? It's, it's just a phase. Chandler: Well, that's what we said about Joey... Ross: Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal. Rachel: [Out of shot] Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey! Ross: What? Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious. [Intro] [Scene 1: Monica and Rachel's, late at night. Mon is still up examining her bill. Rachel emerges from her room] Rachel: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing. Monica: This woman's living my life. Rachel: What? Monica: She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me! Look at this, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes from stores that I'm intimidated by the sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies. Rachel: You're not an artist. Monica: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don't. Rachel: Oh, Monica, c'mon, you do cool things. Monica: Oh really? Okay, let's compare, shall we. Rachel: [Yawning] Oh, it's so late for 'Shall we'... Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take cla**es at the New School? Rachel: [Yawning] Nooo... Monica: This is so unfair! She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my mother. [Scene 2: Central Perk. Joey and Chandler are discussing stage names] Chandler: How about Joey... Pepponi? Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral. Chandler: Joey... Switzerland? [The waitress brings their coffee] Joey: Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joey makes me sound like I'm, I dunno, this big. [Waitress looks at him funny] Which I'm not. Chandler: Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin? Joey: Stalin...Stalin...do I know that name? It sounds familiar. Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me... Joey: [Writes it down] Joe Stalin. Y'know, that's pretty good. Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph. [Joey visibly thinks 'Of course!' and writes it down] Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that! Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof. [Scene 3: Mon+Rach's. Mon is there, enter Phoebe and Rachel] Rachel: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. Monica: Hi. [On the phone] Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I'm taking some cla**es with you and I was wondering what they were. Phoebe: What are you doing? Monica: [Hushes her] Alright, great. Thanks a lot. [Hangs up] I'm going to tap cla**. Rachel: What, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole your credit card? Monica: This woman's got my life, I should get to see who she is. Rachel: Go to the post office! I'm sure her picture's up! ...Okay, Monica, y'know what, honey, you're kinda losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing. Phoebe: This is madness. It's madness, I tell you, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MONICA, DON'T DO IT!! ...Thank you. [Scene 4: Tap cla**. The girls are standing at the door] Monica: What d'you think? Phoebe: Lotsa things. [They go in and sit down] Rachel: Which one do you think she is? [The teacher comes up to them] Teacher: May I help you? Monica: Oh, no thanks, we're just here to observe. Teacher: You don't observe a dance cla**. You dance a dance cla**. Spare shoes are over there. Rachel: What does she mean? Phoebe: I think she means [Imitates] 'You dance a dance cla**'. Oh, c'mon, c'mon. [They put on some spare shoes] Monica: Okay, d'y'see anybody you think could be me? Teacher: [To the cla**] People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt containers lying around after cla**. Let's not have that happen again! Rachel: She could be you. [Music starts] Teacher: Let's get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight... [Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders] Monica: Okay, I'm not getting this! Phoebe: [Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way] I'm totally getting it! Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably uncoordinated? [Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the rest of the cla**] Rachel: What? You just click when they click. Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a partner. [The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it] Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I'm with Rachel. Monica: Great. It's gym cla** all over again. Phoebe and Rachel: Aww. Teacher: Well that's all right, you can come up to the front and dance with me. Monica: Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare. [She starts to walk very slowly toward the front of the room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls her. Suddenly a woman bursts in] Woman: It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, I'm here. Sorry I'm late, okay, here I am. Who's the new tense girl? Teacher: She's your partner. Woman: Hi. I'm Monica. Monica: Oh. Monica! ...Hi. I'm Mo- ...nana. Woman [Fake Monica]: Monana? Monica: Yeah. It's Dutch. Fake Monica: You're kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam. [Asks her something in Dutch] Monica: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch. Teacher: And we're dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight... [Cut to Central Perk. Ross has just arrived] Ross: [Mortified] Hi. Chandler and Joey: Hey. Joey: Where've you been? Ross: At the vet. Chandler: She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she? Ross: She says Marcel's humping thing's not a phase. Apparently he's reached s**ual maturity. Joey: [To Chandler] Hey! He beat ya. Ross: She says as time goes on, he's gonna start getting agressive and violent. Chandler: So what does this mean? Ross: I'm gonna have to give him up. [Commercial] [Scene 5: Central Perk- time lapse. The guys are sitting like the Three Monkeys] Joey: I can't believe it, Ross. This s**s! Chandler: I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already? Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he's this little thing, and before you know it, he's this little thing I can't get off my leg. Joey: Isn't there any way you can keep him? Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place where he has regular access to some... monkey lovin', he's just gonna get vicious. I've just gotta get him into a zoo. Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo? Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen. Ross: Well, we're applying to a lot of them. Naturally our first choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, y'know, like, uh, San Diego... right? But that might just be a pipe dream, because, y'know, he's out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility. Chandler: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo. [Enter Phoebe, Monica and Rachel] Phoebe: Hey. We found her, we found the girl. Chandler: What? Joey: Did you call the cops? Rachel: Nope. We took her to lunch. Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice. Ross: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She's a stealer. Monica: Y'know what? After you're with this woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding person, with this- with this amazing spirit. Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader. Chandler: ...Take off their hats! Phoebe: Popes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that joke. [Scene 6: Monica and Rachel's. Mon, Rach and Fake Monica are there] Rachel: No way. No way did you do this. Fake Monica: Monana was very brave. Monica: It was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor! Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact that we're, y'know, short and have breasts... Monica: ...They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me! Rachel: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up. [Exits] Fake Monica: Oh, by the way, tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway show. Monica: 'Scuse me? Fake Monica: There's an open call for Cats. I'm thinking we go down there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say? Monica: Nononononono. Think who you're dealing with here. I mean, I'm not like you. I-I can't even stand in front of a tap cla**. Fake Monica: Well, that's just probably 'cause of your Amish background. Monica: What? Fake Monica: Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, right? Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned. Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets' Society? Monica: Uh-huh. Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid k**s himself because he can't be in the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back'. And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do. Monica: Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire. [Scene 7: Mon+Rach's, later. Everyone but Joey and Monica is there] Ross: [Reading letters] Oh God. [To Marcel] We didn't get into Scranton. [To the others] That was like our safety zoo. They take like dogs and cows. See? I don't know who this is harder on, me or him. Phoebe: I'd say that chair's taking the brunt. Ross: Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can nobody want him? Rachel: Oh, somebody will. [Enter Joey] Joey: You know there already is a Joseph Stalin? Chandler: You're kidding. Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've known that! Chandler: Y'know, you'd think I would've. Joey: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be? Phoebe: ...Flame Boy. [Scene 8: Central Perk. Ross is talking to Dr. Baldhara, a zookeeper] Ross: Where exactly is your zoo? Dr. Baldhara: Well, it's technically not a zoo per se, it's more of an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel? Ross: Yes. Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals? Ross: Nono, he's, he's very docile. Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were... cornered? Ross: Well I, I don't know. Why? Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects? Ross: He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha mean... Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade? Ross: Why- why- why would he need a blade? Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you've got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it's just cruel. [Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel] Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego. Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing- Chandler: -He's in. Ross: He's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego! Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego's all well and good, but if you give him to me, I'll start him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gains. [Scene 9: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel is dusting. She comes to the table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them, then just puts them down again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk] Monica: Yo- hooo! Rachel: Where the hell've you been? Monica: Monica and I just crashed an emba**y party. Rachel: Are you drunk?! Monica: Noooo! [Comes closer and whispers] I'm lying. I am so drunk. Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know what, you could've called, I have been up here, I've been worried... [Monica is drinking from the tap] Rachel: Monica? Monica! Monica: Water rules! Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work? Monica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today. Rachel: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna lose your job! This is not you! Monica: No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y'know, when I'm with her, I am so much more than that. I'm- I'm Monana! [The phone rings and Rachel answers] Rachel: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it's for you, the credit card people. Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks. Rachel: What? Monica: They've arrested Monica. [Scene 10: NYC Department of Correction. Monica is visiting Fake Monica] Monica: Hi. Fake Monica: Hey. Monica: How are you? Fake Monica: I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my colour. How- how did you know I was here? Monica: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using. Fake Monica: That I was not expecting. Monica: I want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you in. Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks. Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it wasn't for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the Wintergarden Theatre! Fake Monica: Well, actually, you only got to sing 'Memo-'. Monica: I just can't believe you're in here. I mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who's gonna crash the emba**y parties with me? Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus? Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you're worried about who's gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus? Monica: Well, not... worried, just... wondering. Fake Monica: There's nothing to wonder about, Monica. You're gonna go back to being exactly who you were, because that's who you are. Monica: Not necessarily... Fake Monica: Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what it is, maybe it's the Amish thing. Monica: Um, I'm not actually Amish. Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like that? [Scene 11: Tap cla**. Monica is standing by the door] Teacher: You by the door. In or out? Monica: In. [She joins in the dancing. She still flounders] Teacher: You in the back, you're getting it all wrong! Monica: Yeah, but at least I'm doing it! [Scene 12: The airport. Everyone but Monica is there to see off Marcel] PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, boarding at gate 42A. Phoebe: Okay. Goodbye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don't eat it 'till you get on the 'plane. Ross: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe. Phoebe: Oh! Chandler: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to learn. Joey: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey. Ross: Just, just say what you feel. Joey: Marcel, I'm hungry. Ross: That was good. Rachel: [Brings Marcel a teddy bear] Marcel, this is for you. It's, uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the 'plane. Ross: Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take a moment, just me and him. All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. [They just stand there, then realise what he means and go to the other end of the room] Ross: Marcel, c'mere, c'mere. [He sits down and Marcel jumps down and sits beside him] Well buddy, this is it. There's just a coupla things I want to say. I'm really gonna miss you, and I'm never gonna forget about you. You've been more than just a pet to me, you've been more like a be- [Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg] Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg alone? Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take him away. Just take him. [Marcel is put in a cage and taken away. Closing credits] [Credits scene: A casting session somewhere] Actor: [Very melodramatically, and very badly] Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might... touch thy cheek... Casting Director #1: That's fine, thank you. Casting Director #2: Next. [Joey walks onstage] Joey: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio. Casting Director #2: Name? Joey: Holden McGroin.