David Crane - The One Where Nana Dies Twice lyrics

[Pre-intro scene: Chandler's office block. Chandler is on a coffee break.] [Enter Shelly] Shelly: Hey gorgeous, how's it going? Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this? Shelly: Question. You're not dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody who would be perfect for you. Chandler: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'... Shelly: Do you want a date Saturday? Chandler: Yes please. Shelly: Okay. He's cute, he's funny, he's- Chandler: He's a he? Shelly: Well yeah! ...Oh God. I- just- I thought- Good, Shelly. I'm just gonna go flush myself down the toilet now- [backs out of the room] -okay, bye bye... [Opening credits] [Scene 1: Monica's+Rachel's. Everyone is there.] Chandler: ...Couldn't enjoy a cup of Ramen noodles after that. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that? Rachel: Um... yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you, y'know, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be... Chandler: You did? Rachel: Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not. Chandler: Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me? Monica: I did. Phoebe: Yeah, I think so, yeah. Joey: Not me. Ross: Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back in college, Susan Sallidor did. Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't? Ross: No. No, it's just cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman... who also liked her, so... [Joey congratulates Ross, sees Chandler's look and abruptly stops] Chandler: Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me? Phoebe: I dunno, cause you're smart, you're funny... Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think that about him? All: Yeah! Right! Chandler: WHAT IS IT?! Monica: Okay, I-I d'know, you-you just- you have a quality. All: Yes. Absolutely. A quality. Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this. Joey: You know, Chandler, I think this is going to work for you. Chandler: Excuse me? Joey: Sure, sure. Women will find you less threatening, they let their guards down, and boom! You're like a stealth heteros**ual. [Phone rings; Monica gets it] Monica: Hello? Hello? Oh! Rachel, it's Paolo calling from Rome. Rachel: Oh my God! Calling from Rome! [Takes phone] Buongiorno, caro mio. Ross: [To Joey] So he's calling from Rome. I could do that. Just gotta go to Rome. Rachel: Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you make it quick? Talking to Rome. [Showing off to Phoebe and Chandler] I'm talking to Rome. Monica: Hey dad, what's up? Oh God. Ross, it's Nana. [Scene 2: Hospital. Mr.+Mrs. Geller are there, along with Aunt Lillian. Ross and Monica enter. Everyone says hi and kisses] Ross: So, uh, how's she doing? Aunt Lillian: The doctor says it's a matter of hours. Monica: How-how are you, Mom? Mrs. Geller: Me? I'm fine, fine. I'm glad you're here. ...What's with your hair? Monica: What? Mrs. Geller: What's different? Monica: Nothing. Mrs. Geller: Oh, maybe that's it. [Monica strides over to Ross, who is making coffee, and talks to him aside] Monica: She is unbelievable, our mother is... Ross: Okay, relax, relax. We are gonna be here for a while, it looks like, and we still have boyfriends and your career to cover. Monica: Oh God! [They hug. Cut to the hospital, later. Everyone is talking about Nana] Monica: The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of her purse. Ross: Oh! ...Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you know what I loved? Her Sweet 'n' Lows. How she was always stealing them from- from restaurants. Mr. Geller: Not just restaurants, from our house. [The nurse comes out of Nana's room] Nurse: Mrs. Geller? [Everyone stands up. Cut to Ross and Monica in Nana's room] Ross: She looks so small. Monica: I know. Ross: Well, at least she's with Pop-Pop and Aunt Phyllis now. Monica: G'bye, Nana. [She kisses her on the forehead] Ross: Bye, Nana. [He goes to kiss her but she moves. Monica screams. Ross shouts and stares in disbelief. Monica runs out of the room] Monica: Ross! [Ross runs out too] Mrs. Geller: What is going on?! Ross: Y'know how-how the nurse said that-that Nana had pa**ed? Well, she's not, quite.. Mrs. Geller: What? Ross: She's not- past, she's present, she's back. Aunt Lillian: [Reentering] What's going on? Mr. Geller: She may have died. Aunt Lillian: She may have died? Mr. Geller: We're looking into it. [Monica returns with the nurse and they go into Nana's room] Ross: I, uh, I'll go see. [He goes in] Nurse: This almost never happens! [Nana pa**es for the second time and the nurse pulls the blanket over her. Ross and Monica go to tell the family] Ross: Now she's pa**ed. [Scene 3: Central Perk. The other four are there] Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair? Rachel: [Exasperated] Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair. Phoebe: Yeah, you have h*mos**ual hair. [Enter Monica and Ross] Rachel: So, um, did she... Ross: Twice. Joey: Twice? Phoebe: Oh, that s**s! Joey: You guys okay? Ross: I dunno, it's weird. I mean, I know she's gone, but I just don't feel, uh... Phoebe: Maybe that's cause she's not really gone. Ross: Nono, she's gone. Monica: We checked. A lot. Phoebe: Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and then, I get the feeling that she's like right here, y'know? [She circles her hand around her right shoulder. Chandler, sitting on her right, draws back nervously] Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from junior high- got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course- I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils, y'know? ...I miss her. Rachel: Aw. Hey, Pheebs, want this? [Gives her a pencil] Phoebe: Thanks! Rachel: Sure. I just sharpened her this morning. Joey: Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I think when you're dead, you're dead! You're gone! You're worm food! [Realizes his tactlessness] ...So Chandler looks gay, huh? Phoebe: Y'know, I don't know who this is, but it's not Debbie. [Hands back the pencil] [Scene 4: Monica's & Rachel's, Monica and Mr. Geller are picking a casket] Monica: Dad, let's just make a decision. Mr. Geller: You're right. This is crazy. It's going into the ground. We should just get the most basic thing. Monica: Right. Okay, that would be the non-protective ? fiber board with white lineament. Dad, we can't bury Nana in a dresser from IKEA. Mr. Geller: See, this is why your mother buys all my clothes. I hate to shop. I hate it. Monica: Dad, don't you think this is more about the fact that once you make the decision, it's like acknowledging the fact that Nana's gone? Mr. Geller: No, I really hate to shop. [Scene 5: Nana's house. Ross, Mrs. Geller and Aunt Lillian are going through clothes] Ross: I thought it was gonna be a closed casket. Mrs. Geller: Well, that doesn't mean she can't look nice! [They open a cupboard which, amongst other things, contains a chest of drawers] Mrs. Geller: Sweetie, you think you can get in there? Ross: [Sarcastic] I don't see why not. [He tries pushing against the chest of drawers. Then he opens one of the drawers and climbs into the closet using that; he falls behind the chest of drawers with a shout] Ross: Here's my retainer! [Scene 6: Mon+Rach's. Monica is talking to her father] Mr. Geller: I was just thinking. When my time comes- Monica: Dad! Mr. Geller: Listen to me! When my time comes, I wanna be buried at sea. Monica: You what? Mr. Geller: I wanna be buried at sea, it looks like fun. Monica: Define fun. Mr. Geller: C'mon, you'll make a day of it! You'll rent a boat, pack a lunch... Monica: ...And then we throw your body in the water... Gee, that does sound fun. Mr. Geller: Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says 'Jack Geller, so predictable'. Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say 'Buried at sea! Huh!'. Monica: That's probably what they'll say. Mr. Geller: I'd like that. [Scene 7: Chandler's office block. Shelly is drinking coffee; Chandler enters] Chandler: Hey, gorgeous. Shelly: [Sheepish] Hey. Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, I, um- Chandler: No, nono, don't- don't worry about it. Believe me, apparently other people have made the same mistake. Shelly: Oh! Okay! Phew! Chandler: So, uh... what do you think it is about me? Shelly: I dunno, uh... you just have a-a... Chandler: ...Quality, right, great. Shelly: Y'know, it's a shame, because you and Lowell would've made a great couple. Chandler: Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell, that's who you saw me with? Shelly: What? He's cute! Chandler: Well, yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll. Shelly: Is Brian...? Chandler: No! Uh, I d'know! The point is, if you were gonna set me up with someone, I'd like to think you'd set me up with someone like him. Shelly: Well, I think Brian's a little out of your league. Chandler: Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me. ...I'm really not. [Cut to Nana's] Ross: [Holding a dress out from inside the closet] This one? Aunt Lillian: No. Ross: I have shown you everything we have. Unless you want your mother to spend eternity in a lemon yellow pant-suit, go with the burgundy. Aunt Lillian: You know, whatever we pick, she would've told us it's the wrong one. Mrs. Geller: You're right. We'll go with the burgundy. Ross: Oh! A fine choice. I'm coming out. [Starts to climb over the furniture] Aunt Lillian: Wait! We need shoes! [Ross falls back inside] Ross: Okay. Um, how about these? [Holds out a pair] Mrs. Geller: That's really a day shoe. Ross: And where she's going everyone else'll be dressier? Aunt Lillian: Could we see something in a slimmer heel? Ross: [Forages around] Okay, I have nothing in an evening shoe in the burgundy. I can show you something in a silver that may work. Aunt Lillian: No, it really should be burgundy. Mrs. Geller: Mm. Unless we go with a different dress? Ross: No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something in the back. [He finds a shoebox (out of shot), pulls it down and opens it. It is full of Sweet 'n' Los.] Ross: Oh my God.. Mrs. Geller: Is everything all right, dear? Ross: Yeah, just... just Nana stuff. [He reaches up higher and knocks down another shoebox lid. Sweet 'n' Los rain down on him] [Commercial] [Scene 8: Mon+Rach's. Mon+Rach are preparing to leave for the funeral] Ross: [Entering] How we doing, you guys ready? Monica: Mom already called this morning to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know my ears are not my best feature? Ross: Some days it's all I can think about. Phoebe: [Entering] Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't find my bearings. Rachel: Oh, you-you mean your earrings? Phoebe: What'd I say? Rachel: [Sticking her foot out]Hm-m. Monica: Are these the shoes? Rachel: Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy. Ross: What, we-uh- we don't have shoes here, or...? Joey: [Entering with Chandler] Morning. We ready to go? Chandler: Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?...It's stuff like that, isn't it? [They all leave] [Scene 9: The cemetery, after the funeral] Monica: It was a really beautiful service. Mrs. Geller: It really was. Oh, c'mere, sweetheart. [Hugs her] Y'know, I think it might be time for you to start using night cream. [Joey listens to his overcoat for a second and sighs, then notices Chandler watching] Joey: What? Chandler: Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Mussberger. Joey: Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. [He has a pocket TV] Chandler: You're watching a football game at a funeral? Joey: No, it's the pre-game. I'm gonna watch it at the reception. Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man. [Rachel steps in a patch of mud] Rachel: Oh no! My new Paolo shoes! Ross: Oh, I hope they're not ruined. Phoebe: God, what a great day. ...What? Weather-wise! Ross: I know, uh, the air, the-the trees... even though Nana's gone there's, there's something almost, uh- I dunno, almost life-aff- [Not looking where he is going he falls into an open grave] All: God! Ross! Ross: I'm fine. Just-just... having my worst fear realised... [Scene 10: The wake, at the Gellers' house. Ross is lying on his back, with Phoebe squatting over him, checking to see if he's injured] Phoebe: Okay, don't worry, I'm just checking to see if the muscle's in spasm...huh. Ross: What, what is it? Phoebe: You missed a belt loop. Ross: Oh! No-n- Phoebe: Okay, it's in spasm. Mrs. Geller: Here, sweetie, here. I took these when I had my golfing accident. [Hands Ross a bottle of pills. Then turns to Monica and pats her hair over her ears] [Cut to Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching for the same slice of meat] Chandler: Oh, no- Andrea: Sorry- Hi, I'm Dorothy's daughter. Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is. [They shake hands. Cut to Ross emerging from a hallway, grinning inanely. He is obviously very stoned] Phoebe: Hey, look who's up! How do you feel? Ross: I feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great. Monica: Wow, those pills really worked, huh? Ross: Not the first two, but the second two- woooo! ...I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I love my sister [Kisses Mon], I love Pheebs.. [Hugs her] Phoebe: Ooh! That's so nice... Ross: ...Chandler! Chandler: Hey. Ross: [Hugs him] And listen, man, if you wanna be gay, be gay. Doesn't matter to me. Andrea: [Turns to a friend] You were right. [They walk off and leave Chandler.] Ross: Rachel. Rachel Rachel. [Sits down beside her] I love you the most. Rachel: [Humouring him] Oh, well you know who I love the most? Ross: No. Rachel: You! Ross: Oh.. you don't get it! [Pa**es out and slumps across her] [Cut to Joey watching TV in the corner. He makes an extravagant gesture of disappointment] Mr. Geller: Whaddya got there? Joey: [Hides the TV, but he still has an earphone] Just a, uh... hearing disability. Mr. Geller: What's the score? Joey: Seventeen-fourteen Giants... three minutes to go in the third. Mr. Geller: Beautiful! [Turns to watch with him] [Time lapse. A large crowd of men are now watching the game] Rachel: [Still trapped under Ross] Pheebs, could you maybe hand me a cracker? Mrs. Geller: [To Mon] Your grandmother would have hated this. Monica: Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and all. Mrs. Geller: No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't I get the honey-glazed ham?', I didn't spend enough on flowers, and if I spent more she'd be saying 'Why are you wasting your money? I don't need flowers, I'm dead'. Monica: That sounds like Nana. Mrs. Geller: Do you know what it's like to grow up with someone who is critical of every single thing you say? Monica: ...I can imagine. Mrs. Geller: I'm telling you, it's a wonder your mother turned out to be the positive, life-affirming person that she is. Monica: That is a wonder. So tell me something, Mom. If you had to do it all over again, I mean, if she was here right now, would you tell her? Mrs. Geller: Tell her what? Monica: How she drove you crazy, picking on every little detail, like your hair... for example. Mrs. Geller: I'm not sure I know what you're getting at. Monica: Do you think things would have been better if you'd just told her the truth? Mrs. Geller: ...No. I think some things are better left unsaid. I think it's nicer when people just get along. Monica: Huh. Mrs. Geller: More wine, dear? Monica: Oh, I think so. Mrs. Geller: [Reaches out to fiddle with Mon's hair again, and realizes] Those earrings look really lovely on you. Monica: Thank you. They're yours. Mrs. Geller: Actually they were Nana's. [There is a cry of disappointment from the crowd of men.] Mr. Geller: Now I'm depressed! ...[To everyone] Even more than I was. [Scene 11: Central Perk. The gang are looking at old photos] Rachel: Hey, who's this little naked guy? Ross: That little naked guy would be me. Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing. Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups now? Chandler: Who are those people? Ross: Got me. Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. [Reads the back] 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'. Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there? Monica: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25? Ross: Looks like a fun gang. [They all look at each other and smile] Joey: Ooh, look look look look look! I got Monica naked! Ross: [Looking] Nono, that would be me again. I'm, uh, just trying something. [End credits. Scene: Chandler's office block, yet another coffee break. Enter Lowell...] Chandler: Hey, Lowell. Lowell: Hey, Chandler. Chandler: So how's it going there in Financial Services? Lowell: It's like Mardi Gras without the paper mache heads. How 'bout you? Chandler: Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno what Shelley told you about me, but, uh... I'm not. Lowell: I know. That's what I told her. Chandler: Really. Lowell: Yeah. Chandler: So- you can tell? Lowell: Pretty much, most of the time. We have a kind of... radar. Chandler: So you don't think I have a, a quality? Lowell: Speaking for my people, I'd have to say no. By the way, your friend Brian from Payroll, he is. Chandler: He is? Lowell: Yup, and waaay out of your league. [Exits] Chandler: Out of my league. I could get a Brian. [Brian enters behind him] If I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian. [Sees him] Hey, Brian.