Dave Cohen - The Evil Emperors' Song lyrics

[CALIGULA] The famous Roman Empire [ELAGABALUS] Was the biggest, meanest neighbourhood [COMMODUS] We four were the baddest emperors [NERO] And by bad we don't mean good! [CALIGULA] My name is Caligula A rotten, Roman pig-ula If you told me a fib-ula I'd hack your hands to stumps! One time, I k**ed a priest Who'd come to sacrifice a beast You'd think it's sad that he's deceased We all laughed like chumps! I'm very hairy, but take note If you so much as whisper “Goat!” With an iron rod you will be smote In a good mood today, so I won't slit your throat! I'm bad! [ELAGABALUS, COMMODUS & NERO] He's bad! [CALIGULA] A shameless rotten cad! Do you still have limbs since meeting me? Then I guess you should be glad! [ELAGABALUS] Your nastiness was fabulous But my name's Elagabalus And I was far, far worse Just listen to my verse I was quite notorious For catapaulting venomous Snakes at Rome's enormous Crowds, oh, how they fled If you won a lottery prize I'd give you bees, dead dogs and flies My house guests got a nice surprise A lion in their bed! You'd think to children, I'd be cuter No, I was their biggest executor Used their guts to read the future Says here I should get a job as a school tutor! I'm bad! [CALIGULA, COMMODUS & NERO] He's bad! [ELAGABALUS] Could argue I was sad! Hated through our empire From Great Britain to Baghdad! [COMMODUS] Afraid your claim is bogus ‘Cause my name is Commodus And no one else could be A worse emperor than me There never was a greater Pretend gladiator If the booing got too loud Made the lions fight the crowd Just one man was grander Julius Alexander So I k**ed him, see ‘Cause I'm the emperor, me I'm bad! [CALIGULA, ELAGABALUS & NERO] He's bad! [COMMODUS] My actions truly rad! [NERO] You only got the emperor job ‘Cause you were chosen by your dad! To me, you all score zero My name is Emperor Nero Evil men you're not I'm the worstest of the lot! My rule was full of fear-o Yes, men from far and near-o Called me a fighting hero Or I would have them slayed! Changed the Olympic season So the medals went to me, son Burned Christians for no reason Just a fun game I played, you know Poisoned my stepbrother Ordered men to k** my mother Tried to drown her but she fled So I had her stabbed instead Wait! There's more! With my first wife, dear Octavia I showed truly bad behaviour Chopped her head off, gave it to My girlfriend who I then k**ed too I'm bad! So baddy! Of badness, I'm the daddy! Come on, I want to see A more evil bloke than me! [CALIGULA, ELAGABALUS & COMMODUS] You're bad! Real bad! Nothing more to add! We all thought that we were awful But you were really, truly mad! [NERO] I'm the baddest emperor the Romans ever had