Daniel Tosh - White lyrics

Wow, thank you. Believe it or not, that gets old. It is great to be here in AMERICA! Oh yeah! The greatest country in the world... if you haven't traveled a lot. Do we have to constantly scream we're number 1? Its always the people who live in the most boring parts of this country that scream the loudest. People in Kansas, "We're the greatest country in the world!" Its like, do you guys have internet there? Have you ever seen a photo of Fiji? I've never been to Fiji but I've seen photos, it looks pretty amazing. It's hard to think we're better than that. We're top 10, maybe if we started screaming that every day maybe terrorists would stop trying to saw our heads off. "We're top 10!" Then they'd be like "That's fair". It was that "number 1" stuff that was getting old. America has basically turned into one of these factories where we just have a sign up, "It's been 22 days since our last horrible thing!" Then it's like "Alright rip it down were back at 0 again". These things just keep happening. You know, whether its Ferguson or Baltimore. I can solve racist cops that's an easy fix, but nobody comes to me for the answers. You wanna get rid of that forever? How about this: only black people should be allowed to be cops. Boom, problem solved. And if any of you have issue with this, its because you're racist. "Well what about white people?" White people can be firefighters, were more outdoorsy it makes sense. White people firefighters, black people cops, who wants tickets to the softball game now? Yeah, its gonna get pretty tense might wanna put in a mercy rule. And the next time we have one of these tragedies, inevitably we will, and you have to be so unfortunate enough to know the person that's being accused of the crime, do us all a favor, and don't get on TV the next day and be like "I lived next to him for 32 years, I never could've seen this coming!" Maybe you should be locked up for six months. I find nothing more disrespectful, you NEVER could've seen it coming-I've never met anyone in my entire life that I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that they are capable of awful things. Literally no one. My mom could blow up a nursery, and if you put me on TV the next day and I was completely honest with myself I'd be like "I can f**in' see it. No, it makes sense, sometimes when I was a kid I'd come home from school she wasn't happy to see me, I think she hates children". Ladies, know that every man you're sitting next to tonight, if you could get into their head and see every thought they have ever had, you would immediately pull out a gun and blow your head off. Because trust me, they're capable of anything. All day long, every day, nothing but twisted, weird, awful sh** is just going round and round and round. And what do you do at night? You snuggle up next to him because you're so happy they you're not alone, and I think that says more about you. That notion that your parents raised you on stand by your man? If you're insane. The second your man gets accused of anything, you immediately distance yourself. Just be like "Oh, I don't know what the f** he's into." Buy clothes in the next town we'll forgive you. By the way I do love this country, were the only place with any diversity. The entire planet is segregated. You realize that when you watch international sports. Like, I was trying to watch the World Cup, despite hating it.c