Dane Cook - Bathroom lyrics

Had to use a public restroom today... ugh Isn't that the worst when you have to? Godamnit... you j walk in, right. Here's the first thing, I don't care Anywhere in the country you go, why when you walk into a public restroom Why is everything f**ing wet! Right, there's puddles Water all over the counter. It's dripping like you're in a f**ing cave What happened? Was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? Just came in and- Then god forbid you have to use the stall, right You go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door which Apparently Van Dam kicked in Why are they all broken? Who was running in the bathroom Like I gotta sh**? *pound* I can't sh** with a door in front of me! *punch* f**ing door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I sh** *punch* Good. Broken. I like that. Now I can... sh** *punch* Door... Then you're sitting there, right And then you start to read... you start reading like all the most evil Ignorant sh** ever is all around you! You just sit there It's not just written with pencil, it's f**ing CARVED! Who is carving on the toilet? Who is so pissed off while they're taking a crap they're like... *fart* Goddamn Jews! *fart* UGH Blacks! *fart* UGH! Here's my favorite too, on the walls someone always has to write... Mike was here. But then somebody else puts an arrow and writes Mike is a f*ggot Like Mike is coming back to check it out... What the f** is this? I was here but not as a f*ggot! I'm trying to make a statement here There's always like a girls number, always a girls number Is anybody ever f**ing call!... How did you meet you're wife John?... I was taking a crap...