Conan O'Brien - Treehouse of Horror IV lyrics

ACT ONE The title sequence is as usual for Halloween episodes. We sweep through Springfield Cemetery and see more amusing tombstones, then cut to a special Halloween couch gag. The rest of the credits roll, in dripping green letters.Bart wanders through an art gallery, with many scary paintings of the Simpsons family behind him. BART Paintings: lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to hell, so scary and horrible and gruesome that--- MARGE Bart! You should warn people this episode is very frightening. And maybe they'd rather listen to that old "War of the Worlds" broadcast on NPR, hmm? BART Yes, mother. MARGE Good. Now you hold Maggie. I'm going to buy some earrings at the gift shop. Marge gives Maggie to Bart, who sighs. BART The subject of our first painting tonight is the most foul, evil, vicious, diabolical beast to stalk the earth. Of course I refer to--- Maggie puts her pacifier in Bart's mouth. BART Mm-mm-mmm! (spits it out, coughing and spluttering) The devil... The title "The Devil and Homer Simpson" appears in front of the painting. The story starts on a catwalk. Homer is in the crowd. ANNOUNCER The next in our fall catalogue, we love this, it is a vision in raspberry cream. We see a model's legs walking down the catwalk, then a pan up to see a donut on top of the legs. HOMER Ooh, pure genius! The scene fades to Homer dozing in the snack room. He wakes up with a start. HOMER And now to make the leap from dreams to reality! He opens a box of donuts, but it is empty. Lenny and Carl stand behind him. LENNY Sorry Homer, while you were daydreaming we ate all the donuts. CARL Well, there were a few left, but we chucked them at an old man for kicks. Outside the plant, Grampa has a donut stuck to the back of his head, and fights off some birds. ABE Damn buzzards! I ain't dead yet! Homer returns to his workstation. HOMER Alright, stay calm. Remember your training. He opens an "Emergency Procedures" manual. Inside, there is a big space with a piece of paper is in it. Homer reads it. HOMER "Dear Homer, I owe you one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." ba*tard! He's always one step ahead. Oh... I'd sell my soul for a donut! Suddenly, Flanders appears behind Homer, dressed like the devil. FLANDERS Well, that can be arranged. HOMER Flanders! You're the devil!? FLANDERS Ho ho, it's always the one you least suspect. Now, many people offer to sell their souls without reflecting upon the grave ramifications--- HOMER Do you have a donut or not? FLANDERS Coming up! Just sign here. Careful, hot pen! While Homer signs, Mr. Burns watches on the security monitors. BURNS Hmm, who is that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib. SMITHERS The Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock. Cut back to Homer and the devil. A creature appears, carrying a donut for Homer. Homer starts scoffing it. FLANDERS Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for-- HOMER (with his mouth full) Hey wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you? FLANDERS Uh, technically no, but-- HOMER (taunting) I'm smarter than the devil! I'm smarter than the devil! Suddenly, Flanders turns into a huge scary monster. SCARY DEVIL You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in Hell yet, Homer Simpson! He disappears back into the ground. Homer puts the donut in his shirt pocket. HOMER Not likely, heh heh. Later that night, Homer comes down stairs for a midnight snack. Looking in the fridge, his hand pa**es over several food items, and he picks up the last piece of the donut, despite several warning signs around it. HOMER Mmm... forbidden donut... He eats it, and Flanders appears again. FLANDERS Well, well, finishing something? HOMER Aah! A hole of fire appears in the kitchen floor and Homer is dragged towards it. Marge enters the room and her night cap is drawn into the hole. MARGE Homer, did you eat that donut? HOMER (weakly) No. Homer is drawn into the hole, but gets stuck. FLANDERS Oh, your wide behind won't save you this time! (Bart and Lisa enter) Hey Bart. BART Hey. LISA Wait! Doesn't my father have the right to a fair trial? FLANDERS Oh, you Americans with your "due process" and "fair trials." This is always so much easier in Mexico. Very well, we'll have the trial tomorrow at the stroke of midnight. Until then, you're going to spend the day in Hell! His pitchfork turns into a plunger. He pushes Homer into the hole, and follows him. Homer falls through a huge cavern, screaming all the way into Hell. He lands on a conveyor belt. HOMER Ah, that wasn't so bad. He reaches the end of the conveyor belt, where a demon chops him in to pieces. His mouth and shoes are separated and put into a bin labeled "Hot Dog Meat." Next, Homer is in a room labeled "Ironic Punishments Division." Another demon straps Homer into a chair. The room is full of donuts. DEMON So, you like donuts, eh? HOMER Uh-huh. DEMON Well, have all the donuts in the world! The demon laughs. A machine feeds donuts to Homer, four at a time. Homer keeps eating and eating and eating. Later, Homer has eaten most of the donuts, and is extremely fat. HOMER More. DEMON I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in fifteen minutes! The clock in the Simpsons' living room strikes midnight. Flanders appears, as does Homer's body in a cage made of fire. His head appears shortly afterwards, and Homer screws it back onto his neck. MARGE Homer! Are you all right? HOMER No. Lionel Hutz walks in, combing his hair with a fork. HUTZ Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it. A fiery pentagram appears on the floor. The Grim Reaper appears as the judge. GRIM REAPER Hear ye, hear ye. The Court of Infernal Affairs is now in session. HUTZ Very well, but first some ground rules. Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half-hour. FLANDERS Agreed. Number two, the jury will be chosen by me. HUTZ Agreed. (realizing) No, wait--- FLANDERS Silence! I give you the Jury of the Damned! Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon... NIXON But I'm not dead yet! In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook. FLANDERS Hey, listen: I did a favor for you! NIXON Yes, master. FLANDERS ...John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, and the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers! There doesn't seem to be enough seats for everyone. Marge brings out a high chair for Blackbeard the Pirate. MARGE I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs, and this is the last one. BLACKBEARD Arr! This chair be high, says I. The proceedings begin. FLANDERS I hold here a contract between myself and one Homer Simpson pledging me his soul for a donut---which I delivered! And it was scrump-diddly-umptious! I simply ask for what is mine! The jury chatter. HUTZ That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable." (with emphasis) Which is unbreakable! (the jury stare at him) Excuse me, I must use the restroom. A long time goes by and Hutz has not come out. Marge goes to see. MARGE Uh, Mr. Hutz? She opens the door. He is not there, and the window is open. The Grim Reaper starts the sentencing. GRIM REAPER Homer Simpson, I have no choice but to sentence you to an eternity of--- MARGE Wait! Before you send him to Hell, there's something you should see. (shows the jury a photo) That's a photo of homer and me at our wedding. NIXON Wait, wait, you got married in an emergency room? MARGE Well, Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself... before the wedding! (The jury laugh) Read the back! The back! BLACKBEARD Arr, 'tis some kind of treasure map! ARNOLD (snatching photo) You idiot, you can't read! BLACKBEARD Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensating! ARNOLD Dear Marge: you have given me your hand in marriage. All I can give you in return is my . . . soul, which I pledge to you forever. The jury debate among themselves. LIZZIE We've heard enough. Your Honor, we find that Homer Simpson's soul is legally the property of Marge Simpson and not of the devil. FLANDERS Oh . . . FAMILY Yay! HOMER Woohoo! (jumps and burns his head on the cage) Ow! The judge and jury disappear in a puff. FLANDERS All right, Simpson. you get you soul back. But let that ill-gotten donut be forever on your head! He points and fire shoots out. Homer screams. The next morning at breakfast, Homer picks chunks off his donut-head and eats them. MARGE Homer, stop picking at it. HOMER Oh, but I'm so sweet and tasty! (looks at his watch) Oh, well, time to go to work. LISA Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you. Outside, the whole police force wait, with cups of coffee. WIGGUM Don't worry boys, he's gotta come out of there sometime. ACT TWO Back in the gallery, Bart narrates the second spooky story. BART The next exhibit in out ghoulish gallery is entitled... "The School Bus"? Oh, oh, they must mean "The Ghoul Bus." LISA Nope, says right there: "School Bus". BART Well, there's nothing scarier than having to go to school! Ha ha! He groans and walks off. The title, "Terror at 5½ Feet" appears on screen, and the painting of the school bus comes to life. Bart sits next to Milhouse. MILHOUSE Hey Bart, look. Krusty trading cards. The long-awaited eighth series. BART (reads the cards) "Krusty visits relatives in Annapolis, Maryland. Krusty poses for trading card photo." MILHOUSE Hmm... he seems to be running a little low on ideas. BART Well, at least you got the gum. MILHOUSE (bites it) Ow! I cut my cheek! Suddenly, one of the back wheels comes off the bus and it loses control. It steers right into the path of an oncoming lorry. As the bus hits the lorry, Bart wakes up, screaming. He feels his damp blankets. BART I hope this is sweat. He walks into the kitchen for breakfast. LISA Bart, what's wrong? BART (in a trance) I just had a vision of my own horrible fiery d**h. LISA And? MARGE Lisa, your brother's obviously had a nightmare. Don't worry, honey, the scary part's over. Suddenly, a loud horn sounds and Bart screams. It is Homer with an air horn. HOMER Marge, look at all this great stuff I found at the marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat! He honks the horn again. Bart screams and falls backwards off his chair. Later that morning, the kids get on the bus for school. Bart sees Skinner sitting on the bus. SKINNER Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it. LISA Excuse me. Bart's a little upset this morning, so could everyone please be extra nice to him? Everyone laughs. Jimbo pulls down Bart's pants. JIMBO Hey, where's your diaper, baby? MARTIN (wearing a shirt saying "Wang Computers") Thank goodness he's drawn attention away from my shirt. Bart sits next to Milhouse. He looks out the window and sees a gremlin on the side of the bus. It makes a deep scratch in the side of the bus. BART Milhouse, Milhouse, wake up, quick! Look out the window. MILHOUSE No way, Bart. If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear-admiral! Bart rushes to the front of the bus. BART Otto, you gotta do something! There's a gremlin on the side of the bus! Otto looks out the window and sees Hans Moleman driving an AMC Gremlin. OTTO Eh, no problemo Bart, I'll get rid of him. Otto rams into the side of Hans' car, and he rolls off the road. HANS Oh no, I just made my last payment. His car stops just before hitting a tree. It then explodes. Bart looks out the window again, and the gremlin is still there. It starts pulling wires out from inside the bus. BART Aah! Everybody, there's a monster on the side of the bus! Everyone screams and runs over to look. JIMBO Hey, there's no monster. RALPH You're deceptive. OTTO I don't see anything. MILHOUSE Hey! Who's driving the bus? OTTO Ooh, una momento, por favor. As the bus continues to roll along, Kang and Kodos watch from their space ship. KANG Foolish Earthling! Frightened of a creature that does not exist! They both laugh continuously, then notice a gremlin on the side of their spaceship. Back on the bus, Skinner comes to see Bart. SKINNER Now I've gotten word that a child is using his imagination, and I've come to put a stop to it. BART No, no, it's true, there's a monster on the bus! SKINNER The only monster on this bus is a lack of proper respect for the rules. He pulls down the window shade so Bart cannot see out of the window. Bart is still nervous. Eventually, he lifts the blind up again, to see Groundskeeper Willy staring back at him. Bart screams again. The bus has stopped, and Willy gets on. WILLY Me mule wouldn't walk in the mud. So I had to put seventeen bullets in 'im! BART (becoming frightened) You believe me, don't you? You're my friend who believes me: sweet, trustworthy Milhouse. MILHOUSE Actually, Bart, you're kinda creeping me out. Uh, I think I'm gonna go sit... uh, with that foreign exchange student! (points to Uter) UTER Ah, guten tag! Would you care for a bite of my Vengelerstra**e bar? I also have a bag of marzipan JoyJoys. The bag says "JoyJoys mit Iodine". Bart looks out of the window again. The gremlin starts taking off the wheel. BART The gremlin's taking off the wheel. Stop the bus or we're all gonna die! Skinner grabs him, pinning him down. WILLY Take me bridle and lash his hands to the seat. It is a few moments later, and Uter is sat next to Bart. UTER Would you like another lick of my flavor wax? BART (does so, then shudders) Well, now that we're friends, Uter, how about loosening these straps, huh? UTER Ja, das ist gut. Bart looks out the window again to see the gremlin is still removing nuts from the wheel. He looks below his seat and sees a box of flares, but they have been removed -- Jimbo has lit them and put them into Martin's pants. Bart takes one, then opens the window --however, he is pulled through. Skinner and Willy grab his legs as Bart waves the flare around at the gremlin. Just then Homer drives past with his air horn. HOMER Hey boy! (honks horn) Skinner and Willy try to pull Bart back inside the bus. SKINNER Pull, Willy, pull! WILLY I'm doing all the pulling, you blouse-wearing poodle walker! Just as they pull Bart inside, he drops the flare onto the gremlin, who catches fire and falls off the back of the bus, bouncing along. It hits Flanders's windscreen, and he screeches to a halt. NED Oh dear Lord! It's some sort of hideous monster. (wraps it up in his jacket, and it claws at him) Aw, isn't that cute, he's trying to claw my eyes out! The bus arrives at Springfield Elementary, where it falls apart. SKINNER Gadzooks! Bart is being pulled away on a stretcher wearing a straight jacket. BART Look at the bus! I was right, I tell you, I was right! SKINNER Right or wrong, your behavior was still disruptive, young man! Perhaps spending the remainder of your life in a madhouse will teach you some manners. NELSON Ha ha! Bart is taken away in an ambulance to "New Bedlam Mental Hospital". BART Ah. At least now I can get some rest. However, the gremlin appears at the back window, holding Flanders' severed head. NED Hi-dilly-ho, Bart! Bart screams one last time. ACT THREE Back in the gallery once again. BART We come now to the final and most terrifying painting of the evening. To even gaze upon it is to go mad. He points to a picture of dogs playing poker. Homer is looking at it. HOMER Aah! They're dogs... and they're playing poker! (screams and runs off) BART We had a story to go with this painting, but it was far too intense. So we just threw something together with vampires. Enjoy! Kent Brockman delivers the news. KENT Another local peasant has been found dead. Drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. (we see a picture of a cape reading "Dracula") Police are baffled. WIGGUM We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy. As a precaution I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield museum destroyed. (we see Eddie throwing the Mona Lisa into a fire) Nice work, Eddie. LISA They're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking undead: Nosferatu, Das Wampyr! (family stare blankly) A vampire! HOMER (chuckling) Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, just like Elves, Gremlins and Eskimos. Back to the TV. KENT In a completely unrelated story, Montgomery Burns has just closed a deal to buy the Springfield blood bank. BURNS Oh, I'm very excited about this deal. (sees blood dripping from his mouth and licks it) Mmm . . . precious blood. HOMER Hmm . . . business deal. The family drives along a twisty mountain road. HOMER It sure was nice of Mr. Burns to invite us for midnight dinner in his country house in... (creepily) Pennsylvania! LISA Ah, there's something fishy about this whole set-up. MARGE Lisa, stop been so suspicious. Now did everyone wash their necks like Mr. Burns asked? LISA (moaning) Yes... HOMER (pulling out a filthy cloth) Sure did! The family arrive at the mansion. Homer rings the doorbell. Burns voice is heard on the speaker. BURNS Welcome, come in. (quietly) Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead. SMITHERS Sir, you have to let go of the bu*ton. BURNS Oh, son of a bi-- The doors open and the Simpsons walk in. Burns suddenly appears, with Smithers behind him. BURNS Well if it isn't my good friends the, uh . . . SMITHERS Simpson family, master. BURNS Simpson, eh? Excellent. Burns walks off, but his shadow plays with a yo-yo. LISA Dad, do you notice anything strange? HOMER Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer. BURNS I heard that! HOMER It was the boy! At the dinner table. HOMER Ooh, punch! LISA Ew, Dad, this is blood! HOMER Correction: free blood! Lisa spills her blood deliberately. LISA Whoops! Bart and I have to go wash up. BART But you didn't get any on-- (Lisa smears him with blood) --ew! They both leave, and walk down a corridor. BART Burns isn't a vampire. And even if he was we're not going to stubble on his secret hiding place. Bart leans on a lamp attached to the wall, which causes a wall to move. It reveals a laundry room. LISA You're probably right, let's just go back to-- She gasps as she sees a neon sign reading "Secret vampire room, no garlic." They both go down some steps into the room. There are several coffins lying about. LISA Satisfied? BART Big deal! It's no different from the basement in Grandpa's rest home. LISA Look! She finds a book titled Yes, I Am A Vampire by Mr. Burns. LISA (reading) Oh My God! Vampires rise up from the coffins. BART Ungh, Ungh! LISA Please, Bart, I've seen your stupid shemp. BART Nub, Nub! Ba-ba-ba! LISA Yeah, I've seen your curly too. A vampire rips the page. Lisa screams, and the kids run up the stairs screaming. Bart pa**es a switch reading "Super Fun Happy Slide." BART I know I really shouldn't, but when am I going to be here again? (pulls switch and slides) Wheeeee! Aah! He slides down into the clutches of the vampires. A bat flies in, morphing into Burns. BURNS Well if it isn't little... boy! Burns's fangs extend and he dives for Bart. Meanwhile, Lisa runs back to the dining room to tell her parents. LISA Mom, Dad! Mr. Burns is a vampire and he has Bart! BURNS (in the doorway with blood on his fangs) Why, Bart is right here. BART (in a trance) Hello, Mother, hello, Father. I missed you during my uneventful absence. HOMER Lisa, you and your stories. Bart is a vampire. Beer k**s brain cells. Now lets go back to that building . . . thingy . . . where our beds and TV . . . is. In Lisa's bedroom, she hears banging on her window. She opens to curtains to find Bart, Milhouse, Martin, Ralph and Janey all vampires. LISA Aah! BART Come join us Lisa, it's so cool, you get to stay up all night drinking blood! MILHOUSE And if you say you're a vampire, they give you a free small soda at the movies. LISA No, no! BART Lisa, it's not like you have a choice here! We see Bart smash the window from several different angles. He grabs Lisa and his fangs extend. Lisa screams and Homer runs in. HOMER Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sis--- (realizes) wait a minute, you are a vampire! Grampa runs in with a stake and hammer. GRAMPA Quick, we have to k** the boy! MARGE (entering) How do you know he's a vampire? GRAMPA He's a vampire? Aah! He runs off, screaming. Bart turns to a bat and escapes, chuckling. MARGE Homer, we have to do something. Today he's drinking blood, tomorrow he could be smoking! LISA The only way to get Bart back is to k** the head vampire. Mr. Burns! HOMER k** my boss?! Do I dare live out the American dream? At Burns's castle. Homer, Marge and Lisa walk down to the basement. MARGE This is dangerous. I wish we could have found a sitter for Maggie. HOMER (sees sign for slide and gets excited) Super Fun Happy Slide! LISA (sternly) No dad. HOMER Oh, I guess k**ing will be fun enough. LISA You must drive this stake right through his heart. Homer drives the stake into Burns. HOMER Take that, vile fiend! LISA Uh, Dad, that's his crotch. HOMER (chuckling) Oh, sorry. He takes the stake out and drives it into his heart. Burns wakes up, screaming. He then dies and turns to goo. HOMER Whew! BURNS (reforming briefly) You're fired! HOMER D'oh! The next day, at the Simpsons' breakfast table. LISA It's so nice having everything back to normal. GRAMPA (flying into the room) I'm a vampire and I've come to s** your blood! (he flies into the fridge and collapses) This cape is giving me a rash. LISA Grampa's a vampire? BART We're all vampires! The family all start floating in mid-air. LISA But no, we k**ed Mr. Burns! HOMER You have to k** the head vampire! LISA You're the head vampire? MARGE No, I'm the head vampire! (she screeches) LISA Mom? MARGE Well I do have a life outside this house, you know. The family all fly at Lisa, fangs extended. They stop and wave at the camera. EVERYONE Happy Hallowe'en everybody! They all start humming Christmas carols, accompanied by Milhouse on a tiny piano. Fade to credits.