Conan O'Brien - Last Exit To Springfield lyrics

ACT ONE The episode starts in a large mansion. Senator Mendoza taps his gla** to call attention to his dinner guests. MENDOZA My friends, tonight we unveil my most diabolical creation: Swa*k. Ten times more addictive than marijuana. GUESTS Ooh! MENDOZA To human misery! Suddenly, the ice sculpture bursts and TV action hero McBain bursts out. MCBAIN Ice to see you! MENDOZA McBain! He starts firing round after round from his machine gun, k**ing practically everyone in the room. Everyone except Mendoza, that is. MENDOZA Ah, McBain, so glad you could make it. (hands him a plate with food on) Have a salmon puff. MCBAIN Alright. He takes one and bites into it. Some kind of gas sprays out, incapacitating McBain. He screams and falls unconscious. Mendoza laughs evilly. It turns out Homer & Bart are watching this movie. BART That is one evil dude. HOMER It's just a movie, son. There's nobody that evil in real life. Cut to Mr. Burns office, where an employee clings from a rope outside his window. Burns laughs evilly. He closes the blind and we hear the man screaming as he falls. Burns calls Smithers. BURNS Smithers, where is that union representative? He's twenty minutes late! SMITHERS I don't know, sir. He hasn't been seen since he promised to clean up the union. Cut to a football pitch where a player trip over a freshly dug human-shaped mound of earth. PLAYER What the Hell? Back to the office. BURNS Well let's look at the contract ourselves. (reading) Benefits? Perks? A green cookie on Saint Patrick's Day? Ho ho, it didn't used to be this way, Smithers. No, it didn't used to be this way at all... He recalls visiting the factory in his childhood years with his grandfather, when people smashed atoms by hand. Burns' grandfather pulls aside a worker. BURNS' GRANDFATHER Come on, come on! Crack those atoms! You, turn out your pockets. (worker does so) Atoms! (counts them) One, two three, four... six of them! Take him away! WORKER (squeaky, annoying voice) You can't treat the working man this way. One day, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive! BURNS' GRANDFATHER The Japanese?! Those sandal-wearing goldfish-tenders? Bosh, flim-shaw! Back to the present day. BURNS If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven. Well, I'm going to avenge my grandfather. We'll take on that greedy union, and we'll get back our... (points at a random line) Dental Plan. At the Painless Dentistry (formerly Painful Dentistry), the dentist interrogates Ralph. DR. WOLFE How often do you brush, Ralph? RALPH Three times a day, sir. DR. WOLFE (menacingly) Why must you turn my office into a house of lies? RALPH Alright, I don't brush! (crying) I don't brush! DR. WOLFE Let's look at a picture book - the Big Book of British Smiles. He shows him a book of people with crooked and missing teeth. RALPH That's enough! (crying) That's enough! In the waiting room, Bart talks to several kids. BART Dr. Wolfe likes to pull kids' teeth so he can sell 'em. KID To who? BART Know that rattle when you shake up a can of spray paint? That's a kid's tooth! The kids shudder. Next the dentist consults the Simpsons kids. He inspects Maggie's mouth. DR. WOLFE Maggie's teeth are coming in rather crooked. Has she been s**ing on a pacifier? MARGE Uh... not to my knowledge. DR. WOLFE Liar! A little while later. DR. WOLFE I'm also afraid little Lisa is going to need braces. LISA Oh no! I'll be socially unpopular! (pause) More so. MARGE Are you sure, doctor? DR. WOLFE Well, judge for yourself. (showing a computer image) Here's Lisa today. Without treatment, here's what she'll look like at age 11... age 14... age 17... and finally, age 18. The last picture shows a huge tooth has grown up through her face. Lisa gasps. BART Cool! she'll be a freak! MARGE Bart! BART We can stick her in a trailer, drive around the south and charge two bits a gander. Homer watches wrestling on television. TV ANNOUNCER Now stay tuned for professional wrestling live from Springfield Grappelarium. Tonight a Texas d**h match: Dr. Hillbilly versus the Iron Yuppie. One man will actually be unmasked and k**ed in the ring! HOMER I hope they k** that Iron Yuppie. Thinks he's so big. Marge and the kids enter. MARGE Homer, Lisa needs braces. HOMER Don't worry. We won a dental plan in the strike of '88. (indicating scar) That's where I got this scar. Flashback to the strike. The employees protest. CARL What do we want? EMPLOYEES More equitable treatment at the hands of management! CARL When do we want it? EMPLOYEES Soon! Pan across to Homer at the snack cart. HOMER Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? Where's my burrito? (awning collapses and hits him in the head) Ow! Back to present, and Homer points out another scar. HOMER Then I got this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet. At the Union meeting. CARL Welcome, brothers of Local 643. As you know, our president, Chuckie Fitzhugh, ain't been seen lately. We're all prayin' he'll turn up soon, alive and well. (everyone laughs) All right, all right. But seriously, we have to vote on Burns's new contract. It's basically the same deal, except we get a free keg of beer for our meetings. (everyone cheers) In exchange for that, we have to give up our dental plan. Everyone cheers and rushes over to the beer keg. Lenny pours a beer. LENNY So long Dental Plan! Lenny's and Marge words keep repeating in Homer's head. LENNY'S VOICE Dental Plan! MARGE Lisa needs braces. LENNY'S VOICE Dental Plan! MARGE Lisa needs braces. LENNY'S VOICE Dental Plan! MARGE Lisa needs braces. LENNY'S VOICE Dental Plan! MARGE Lisa needs braces. LENNY'S VOICE Dental Plan! MARGE Lisa needs braces. LENNY'S VOICE Dental Plan! MARGE Lisa needs braces. Charlie drops a pencil into Homer's bu*t crack. CARL Bullseye! HOMER Thanks a lot, Carl. Now I've lost my train of thought. LENNY'S VOICE Dental Plan! MARGE Lisa needs braces. LENNY'S VOICE Dental Plan! MARGE Lisa needs braces. HOMER (finally realizing) If we give up our dental plan... I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces! (to everyone) People, stop! We can't give up our Dental Plan! Lenny, without the dental plan, you wouldn't have that diamond in your tooth. Lenny smiles and someone steals the diamond MAN Yoink! LENNY Hey! HOMER And Gummy Joe, where would you be without the Dental Plan? GUMMY JOE I wouldn't have old "chopper" here. that's for sure. He pierces a can of soda with his solitary tooth. HOMER You know what I think of this contract? This! He rips it to shreds. A secret camera focuses on him. Burns and Smithers watch on the monitor. BURNS Who is that firebrand, Smithers? SMITHERS That's Homer Simpson. BURNS Simpson, eh? New man? SMITHERS Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude... BURNS Doesn't ring a bell. Back in the Union room. ALL Homer! Homer! Homer! CARL I move that Homer Simpson be out new Union President. All in favor? ALL Aye! CARL All opposed? MEEK VOICE (from back of crowd somewhere) Nay. CARL Congratulations, Homer. The crowd picks Homer up, cheering. HOMER Hey, what does this job pay? CARL Nothing. HOMER D'oh! CARL Unless you're crooked. HOMER Woo-hoo! ACT TWO The Simpsons eat breakfast. MARGE President of the Union? I'm so proud of you, Homie. LISA This is your chance to get a fair shake for the working man. HOMER And make life-long connections to the world of organized crime. Mmm... organized crime... Homer imagines himself as Italian "Don Homer". MAN Don Homer, I have baked a special donut just-a for you. DON HOMER (tries it) Mmm... graci WOMAN Don Homer, my son, he has a-trouble with the-- DON HOMER Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. (takes a donut) Molto bene. Back to reality, Homer is still dreaming. HOMER That's a nice a-donut. MARGE Do you think you can get back the Dental Plan back? HOMER Well, that depends on who's a better negotiator: Mr. Burns or me. BART Dad, I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old Danish. HOMER (trading) Done and done. (chuckles, then he realizes) D'oh! Lisa & Marge return to the dentist. DR. WOLFE Lisa and Marge, these braces are invisible, painless, and periodically release a delightful burst of Calvin Klein's Obsession... for Teeth. LISA (smelling) Mmm! MARGE Uh, doctor, we don't have a dental plan right now, so we'll need something a little more... affordable. DR. WOLFE (pulling out a mess of metal) These predate stainless steel, so you can't get them wet. Mr. Burns watches Homer on his monitor. BURNS He's a worthy foe. Look at him, Smithers. Exercising away while the others are off at the candy machine. From behind, however, we see that Homer is just struggling to reach a Sugar Daddy stuck to his back. HOMER Hey Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back? LENNY Okay, but it's the last time! Burns chats to Homer in his office. BURNS We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract. HOMER (thinking) Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me? BURNS And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. HOMER (thinking) Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me? BURNS I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm? HOMER (thinking) Oh my God! He is coming onto me! BURNS After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. (winks) HOMER (thinking) Aah! (aloud) Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no! He walks out. Back at the dentist. Dr. Wolfe is ready to put Lisa's braces in. DR. WOLFE Lisa, so you won't be scared, I'll show you some of the tools I'll be using. This is the scraper. This is the poker. And this happy little fellow... is the gouger. Now the first thing I'll be doing is chiseling some teeth out of your jawbone. Hold still while I gas you. Lisa is anesthetized, and dreams. She floats happily through the air and pa**es over strange landscapes a la Yellow Submarine. The Beatles even make an appearance. RINGO Look, fella, it's Lisa in the sky. MCCARTNEY No diamonds, though. HARRISON Look out for the campy drawing of Queen Victoria! The crash and shout "Help us!". Lisa wakes up, asking for the mirror. LISA The mirror. (impatiently) The mirror! Wolfe gives it to her. Lisa cackles evilly, then smashes the mirror. Back at home, Marge comforts Lisa. MARGE Honey, you look fine. Santa's Little Helper comes bounding up to Lisa, but when she smiles, the dog runs away scared. Lisa trudges upstairs. The doorbell rings and Homer goes to answer it. HOMER Who is it? VOICE Goons. HOMER Who? VOICE Hired Goons. HOMER (opening door) Hired Goons? The goons grab Homer roughly and take him away. One steps back into the doorway and shakes his tie. They take him to Burns' Mansion. BURNS Ah, Homer I hope "Crusher" and "Low Blow" didn't hurt you. HOMER Y'know, you could have just called me. BURNS Oh yes, but the telephone is so impersonal. I prefer the hands-on touch you only get with hired goons. HOMER Hired Goons? Burns gives Homer the grand tour. BURNS This is the largest TV in the free world. He turns it on. The bumblebee guy is on. He goes to his bed to find a skunk there. BUMBLEBEE GUY Ay! Un gato malodoro! They enter another room, full of monkeys chained to typewriters. BURNS This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have written the greatest novel known to mankind. (reads one of the typewriters) "It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times"?! You stupid monkey! (monkey screeches) Oh, shut up. They finish in a dingy basement. BURNS And this is my basement. HOMER Gee, it's not as nice as the other rooms. BURNS Yes, I really should stop ending the tour with it. Now, let's get down to business. HOMER (thinking) Oh, man. I really have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon? A leaking pipe drips water in the background, and Smithers pours a cup of coffee. BURNS Now Homer, I know what you're thinking, and I want to take the pressure off. It doesn't take a whiz to know that you're looking out for number one. Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon. HOMER Ooh, which way to the bathroom? BURNS Oh, it's the twenty-third door on the left. Homer runs down a long corridor, checking every door. HOMER Nope. Nope. Nope. BURNS Ah, he wouldn't even hear me out. (Homer returns) Find the bathroom alright? HOMER Uh... yeah... Burns brings Homer home in his helicopter. Marge rushes out to greet him and her hair is chopped off by the blades. BURNS (menacing) Well, you've won this round Simpson, but I'll ground you into the earth like a bug! (helicopter takes off, but he falls out) Aah! (Homer & Marge rush over) Simpson, be a dear and rub my legs until the feeling comes back. Burns is soon on a stretcher and carried away dangling from the helicopter. BURNS A bug, I tell you, a bug!! He laughs evilly as his stretcher hits the side of a house in the distance. HOMER Ugh, I'm going to resign. I don't know why they made me union president in the first place. MARGE Because they love you down at the plant! HOMER Yeah, you're right. Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinching my belly to hear my girlish laugh. MARGE Mmm... it doesn't sound like they like you at all. HOMER You know, I think you're right. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm going to punch Lenny in the back of the head. The next morning, Lenny is drinking a cup of coffee. Homer punches him in the back of the head. At Springfield Elementary, it's picture day. SKINNER bu*ton down those cowlicks! Straighten that part! Uncross those eyes, mister! KID But I can't! SKINNER Oh. Sorry, Quigley. Lisa is about to have her picture taken. PHOTOGRAPHER Come on honey, smile! I bet you've got a beautiful smile. Why don't you share it with the world? (Lisa smiles, revealing her braces, the photographer gasps) There is no God! He takes a photo of Lisa sad. Another Union meeting. HOMER Fellow workers, I've been meeting with Mr. Burns day and night, and I've had enough. ALL Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! CARL All in favor of a strike? ALL Aye! CARL All opposed? MEEK VOICE Nay. HOMER Who keeps saying that? The crowd parts to reveal a meek guy and a big guy at the back of the room. The meek guy speaks. MAN (pointing to big guy) It was him. Let's get him, fellas. Everyone beats up the big guy. The meek guy chuckles. ACT THREE Outside the power plant, Lisa plays guitar and sings a protest song to inspire the strikers. LISA Come gather 'round children, It's high time ye learned, 'Bout a hero named Homer, And a devil named Burns. We'll march till we drop, The girls and the fellas, We'll fight till the d**h Or else fold like umbrellas. Strikers rock Chief Wiggum's car. WIGGUM (inside) Ah, this is the life. Burns watches on the balcony. BURNS Smithers, get me some strikebreakers. The kind they had in the thirties. Abe Simpson and the other pensioners are in Burns' office. Burns and Smithers look pretty bored. ABE We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere. (pensioners agree) Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. (Burns and Smithers sigh) They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones... Burns then gets ready to hose down the strikers. BURNS Full power, Smithers! However, the hose is held under his arm and the water can't get through. The pressure builds up and Burns goes flying. Lisa concludes her song. LISA So we'll march day and night, by the big cooling tower, They have the plant, but we have the power. LENNY Now do Cla**ical Gas. She plays it. Burns watches Homer visiting the snack cart. BURNS Look at him, strutting around like he's co*k of the walk. Well let me tell you, Homer Simpson is co*k of nothing! You and I can run this plant ourselves. So they do, all smiles and dancing. However, they get some robot workers (100% Loyal) which turns on them. ROBOTS Crush! k**! Destroy! Kent Brockman presents Smartline. KENT Tonight, on Smartline, the power plant strike: argle bargle, or fooforaw? With us tonight are plant owner C.M. Burns, union kingpin Homer Simpson, and talk show mainstay, Dr. Joyce Brothers. DR. JOYCE BROTHERS I brought my own mike! KENT Yes, well... Homer, organized labor has been called "a lumbering dinosaur". HOMER Aah!! KENT My director is telling me not to talk to you any more. HOMER Woohoo! KENT Uh, Mr. Burns, you mentioned you wanted an opening tirade. BURNS Yes, thank you, Kent. Fifteen minutes from now, I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city. (threatening) No one will be spared! NO ONE!!! KENT (chuckling) A thrilling vision of things to come. Burns and Smithers march down the corridors of the plant, past numerous security measures, eventually leading to a hidden control room, where the back door is open and off it's hinges. BURNS Oh, for God's sake! (slams door shut) Good bye, Springfield. From Hell's heart, I stab at thee! He presses a bu*ton on the control panel in front of him. The power is Springfield goes out. Everyone immediately starts looting. An electric sign shows a marquee saying "Total Blackout In Springfield." The lights outside the power plant go out. The strikers pause, then Lisa starts playing the guitar again, and everyone gathers in a circle, singing. STRIKERS So we'll march day and night, by the big cooling tower, They have the plant, but we have the power. So we'll march day and night, by the big cooling tower, They have the plant, but we have the power. On his balcony, Burns listens. BURNS Look at them all, through the darkness I'm bringing. They're not sad at all. They're actually singing! (to Smithers) They sing without juicers. They sing without blenders. They sing without flunjers, capdabblers and smendlers! (groaning) Oh, tell Simpson I'm ready to deal. Homer and Burns sit at a table. BURNS Alright, Simpson, you can have your dental plan, on one condition: you must resign as head of the union! HOMER Woohoo! Homer walks in circles on the floor, saying "woob woob". BURNS Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson is not the brilliant tactician I thought he was. Homer goes out to the strikers. HOMER We're goin' back to work! ALL Yay! Electricity returns to Springfield. At Fake Vomit, inc. everyone cheers as the machines spring back into action. At the dentist, the whole family gather round Lisa. MARGE Oh, honey, you can hardly see your new braces. LISA And that's the tooth! Everyone laughs. DR. WOLFE Whoops, I left the gas on. Everyone laughs uproariously. Fade to credits.